Chapter 169 -- Treading Water
Dear Emily,
I've wracked my brain trying to come up with some way I can ask you to believe
what I'm saying here.
I don't suppose there is an answer. Not for you… Not for Nikolas. I can't say
“trust me”, I can't say “I'll come through this time.” I can't say anything and
expect you to believe me. So… I'll say this. When I come back, remember I said I
was going to.
I think, for the longest time, it never occurred to me to worry about you. You
had a terrific mom. That much I knew. I can't begin to explain how difficult it
is for me to believe, to this day, that anything could ever topple my big
sister. Not anything as pedestrian as cancer. So why would I ever concern myself
with how her daughter was? I was too busy running, too busy avoiding, to ever
stop to think the worst might have happened.
I can't tell you what I would have done if I'd known. I think back to that year,
to what was happening to me, how completely self-involved and miserable I was… I
can't predict if I would have risen to the occasion. I can't say I would have
been any help at all. But that was then, this is now, and I'm making a new
beginning. I just hope it's not too late for you. I hope I haven't blown it by
doing this.
Now… I've gotten to see your adoptive family in action during your hospital stay
and… I know they love you. They have interesting ways of showing it, but I can
see why Paige might have chosen that pack of pit bulls to keep you away from
harm. And I look at Lucky and how devoted he is to you, how deeply he loves you
and I know Paige did the best thing she could do, putting you in Port Charles.
Because I can't tell you how long it took me to find someone to love with any
kind of honesty.
I'll give you a moment to absorb the irony of that statement.
This is the first time I have ever left a place and hated it. Packed up and
wanted to scream at the unfairness. Desperately wanted to return. That's never
happened. But I know I can't just leave and never come back this time. I have to
come back. I can't leave you. I can't leave when we're just getting started. I
must have met you for a reason outside of Helena Cassadine. I must have been
meant to be a part of your life, and I'm not shirking that duty this time.
So. Now for why I had to leave. The answer might be obvious, but I want to make
sure you understand why I decided to go.
I can't describe what that moment in the parking lot was like. Maybe Lucky's
tried to tell you what he was going through, he'd probably be better at it. I
think, on some level, he knew. He understood in a way I didn't, that this was
just the beginning. It took me awhile to see the whole picture. But I see it
now. You can't “reason” with Helena. You can't hope that she'll let you off the
hook. All you can do it play along and hope that she doesn't hurt anyone else.
But Emily, even if I play along, she'll hurt someone else. She'll hurt Lucky.
And I know that will kill you and Nikolas. I can't be a part of it. So… I'm
doing the only other thing I can. I'm going away so that she can't use me to
hurt any of you. So that she can't blackmail me by hurting you, either. I know
Lucky will keep you safer than I could. And that somehow, this is going to work
out. We're the good guys, right? We're supposed to win.
I think I'm looking forward to that part. I've never been much of a martyr. But
I'm getting to give up something for the greater good this time. Who knows…
Maybe it'll make a difference.
Until next time… I love you. I'm not going to let you down again.
Corrine.
* * * *
The Campsite.
Lucky comes up over the ridge at such a reluctant pace he's almost surprised to
realize he was actually moving. He stops, scanning the landscape until he spots
Nikolas, sitting at the camp. It's packed up, which catches him off guard. He
closes his eyes and tries aware that he hasn't really spoken more than a word to
Nikolas since the night before. This is the product, more than anything else, of
not having anything left to say. He's tired of rehash, he's tired of being
angry, but mostly he's tiring of this feeling of inner chaos. He's been reeling
for so long, now he's forgotten what it felt like to just stop and think for a
minute.
And he has to think. Uninterrupted.
This would be a simple task if Nikolas was the one interrupting. But Nikolas is
blameless, for the most part. Nikolas isn't popping up in dreams, or hiding
somewhere in every conversation he has. Which is probably the disadvantage of
being someone's son. If you're raised by them, they tend to lurk behind
everything you do. If they were the one who taught you how to build a fire, or
hot-wire a car, or drive… If they have an opinion on everything and you heard
them all consistently every day of your life, so that words of wisdom start to
pop up in your brain, unbidden, at every turn… Then maybe that can be what makes
someone hard to escape.
Nik: (blinking) You're back.
Lucky: Yeah. (He runs his hands through his hair, looks back over his shoulder,
then comes over to Nikolas) You packed up.
Nik: Emily did. I helped, but… Not much.
Lucky: (quietly) Thanks. (He looks up suddenly) Where is Emily?
Nik: Stretching her legs… (The sentence suggests there's more to it than that.
Lucky feels his brain start to make noise again and shuts his eyes against the
sound).
Lucky: (tired) Is she coming back? (Nikolas nods, slightly)
Nik: She wouldn't leave. (He sighs and looks up at Lucky. Lucky is staring off
into space, looking worn out and pale. Nikolas frowns). We need to talk.
Lucky: (softly) Nikolas. This is probably the only time I'm going to say this to
you… But I am *not* in a mood for confrontation today. So can we save this?
Nik: (thinking a moment) No.
Lucky: (a tad ironic) No. Of course not. (Lucky drops down onto the dirt next to
Nikolas) Fine. Go ahead. (Nikolas looks at Lucky carefully)
Nik: You were right. (Lucky glances over at him)
Lucky: As much as I like to hear those words come out of your mouth… I have to
say “What?”
Nik: About Luke. (Lucky flinches, and drops his head. Nikolas waits for a
response, but gets none. He continues) No one knows him better than you. I can't
claim to know what is going on in his head or what he would think about this.
And maybe I shouldn't say anything about it, but I know something is bothering
you and I figured it made more sense for you to know what I knew than it did to
just leave it open. And Emily has told me not to push, you have told me not to
push, but… I'm stubborn. I'm direct. I do push. It's who I am. (Lucky laughs
ironically)
Lucky: Am I supposed to find this endearing? I'm probably supposed to find that
endearing.
Nik: I'm not trying to “play you”. Or… Maybe I am. You're the expert. I'm not
even sure what the rules are. (Lucky snorts slightly)
Lucky: Don't strain yourself. (Nikolas feels himself tense.)
Nik: (bitterly) Maybe talk wasn't the right word. Maybe I just meant
communicate. Hell, maybe I meant LISTEN for once.
Lucky: I hear every word you say to me. (Nikolas gets up, pacing a few steps
away)
Nik: Do you hear everything I *mean*? I'm trying, ok? And I know we agreed on
this whole “don't deal with the family” stuff. And guess what? We can't do that.
Neither of us can. We've both crossed the line and we never look back when it
happens. Not until you storm off.
Lucky: What are you expecting me to wait around for?
Nik: I don't KNOW! I don't know. I know absolutely nothing. I can't figure out
what is going on in your head, you won't tell me… you won't even tell Emily.
(Lucky looks up, finally, at his girlfriend's name, his disturbingly calm
exterior evaporating)
Lucky: How the hell do you know anything about what happens between me and
Emily? (Nikolas shakes his head)
Nik: She is loyal to you, Lucky… God, I think she'd do anything for you. But
she's worried. She is worried SICK about you, can't you see that? (Lucky stares
at him a long moment, then stands up, looking, if possible, a little more ill.)
Lucky: Don't… (Lucky stops, unable to come up with an end to the sentence. His
stomach twists violently and he turns away from Nikolas, taking a few steps
across the camping area. After a moment he turns back, breathing unevenly, but
with a determined look on his face) Ok. This isn't working.
Nik: So I said.
Lucky: Seems to me we're talking about all the wrong stuff here. I know my
father… Right. Well, I'll try to remember that. We fight a lot… I have a vague
recollection of that too. But that stuff does not matter. It has nothing to do
with why we're here. (He shakes his head, a slightly feverish look entering his
eyes) We need to focus, Nikolas. That's all. (Nikolas stares at Lucky. What the
hell is he supposed to say to this? Yeah, ok. Focus. Sure. No problem). I mean,
we're getting some place, but when we get there… what do you think is going to
happen? (Lucky looks up at him) Have you thought about that?
Nik: Whatever needs to.
Lucky: This isn't about us. This is about Helena. This is about Hannah. This is
about making sure what happened to her never happens again, right?
Nik: We're agreed on that, Lucky. We have been since the beginning.
Lucky: Yeah. (There is an inordinately long pause. Lucky seems to leave the
planet momentarily, going deep into thought. When he speaks again, his voice is
low and deliberate) There are still a few things we haven't talked about.
Nik: (narrowing his eyes) Where are you going with this?
Lucky: You think… You think when we get there, Helena's gonna face off with you?
Nik: (tinged with irritation) I think she'll show up. I think she'll use the
opportunity.
Lucky: I agree.
Nik: Ok. (Nikolas frowns. He's been expecting this eventually. Lucky doesn't
seem to think he can chew gum and walk at the same time) So what are you asking?
Lucky: What are you planning on doing? Giving her a stern talking to?
Nik: (Coldly) I'm planning on doing what needs to be done. (Lucky stares at him
a long moment)
Lucky: (methodically) Will you kill her?
Nik: (without hesitation) Yes. (Lucky is thrown slightly by the speed of
Nikolas' reply. He's given this a lot of thought. He's been wondering if Nikolas
was even thinking about this anymore. If he was facing the reality of what they
had really decided to do since it was never said out loud).
Lucky: How? (Nikolas says nothing) What are you doing to do?
Nik: (turning away) I'll figure that out.
Lucky: Right. You'll figure it out now. (Nikolas looks over at Lucky, surprised)
Nik: What is your problem? (Lucky walks towards Nikolas, his eyes cold. It's a
look Nikolas hates, but he refuses to back away from it)
Lucky: Could you hit her? (The instantaneous look of shock and disgust on
Nikolas' face answers the question. Lucky keeps pushing) Could you slit her
throat? Could you strangle her?
Nik: (shakily) Lucky.
Lucky: See? You're angry, but you're not violent. (He smiles ever so slightly)
Not to her, at least. Not like that.
Nik: (heatedly) She deserves to die. She is a murderous and vicious witch. She
has systematically taken away almost everyone I've ever loved. I'm not giving
her another chance. I'll do what I have to. (Lucky nods curtly, then turns away
and moves to his bag, sitting separate and untouched, away from the others. He
opens up the front compartment, kneeling, and pulls out a bundled up T-shirt. He
unfolds the cotton, and removes the gun he'd shown Nikolas previously. Nikolas
comes up behind him. Lucky reaches into the bag, pulling out a box of bullets.
He proceeds to load the gun with great care, slowing sliding each bullet into
place)
Lucky: Have you ever hurt anyone, Nikolas? Badly? (Nikolas watches Lucky loading
the gun, a little transfixed by the fluidity of his movements. He shakes his
head, though Lucky can't see him) We'll leave me out of it, ok? You've gotten in
a few good punches, I'll give you that. But you'd never hospitalized me, have
you? (Nikolas opens his mouth to respond, but stops, unable to come up with
anything to say. Lucky stands up, turning to face Nikolas, and gives him a
serious look). See… I did that to you. (He turns his attention back to the gun,
turning it over his hand. When he speaks, his voice is detached) When you hit
the bottom of the stairs… (He looks up at Nikolas) I was standing above you… I
could see exactly what was happening. Are you listening to me? (Nikolas, who is
still staring at Lucky in rapt attention, shakes his head slightly)
Nik: Why are you…
Lucky: (calmly) I saw you fall. I saw you try to grab something. I saw you miss.
And I saw your head Hit… I *heard* your head hit. I heard this noise you
wouldn't believe. (Lucky's eyes start to glaze over slightly as he speaks,
looking over Nikolas' shoulder rather than straight at him) Like a cracking
noise. And when I looked down the stairs and saw you, I thought you were dead.
(He laughs slightly, covering a slight tremor entering his voice) Because
CHRIST… no one does that and lives, right?
Nik: Lucky…
Lucky: (looking back) Don't interrupt me. I'm trying to explain something here.
Do you want to know what I thought of you back then? I hated you. I wanted you
blinked out of existence. But when I thought I did it? (He shakes his head) Not
a good feeling. (Nikolas is at a momentary loss for words)
Nik: I didn't know. That you felt anything, I didn't know.
Lucky: Didn't advertise it. (He steps back, and spins the gun around his hand,
focusing on it again)
Nik: So why are you telling me this?
Lucky: You can't just kill her. Trust me on this. If you try, you'll mess it up.
Nik: You're sure of that.
Lucky: Whatever happens on the island, Nikolas… Whatever goes down, we gotta be
prepared for more than one outcome. And you can't afford to just let things
happen. (he smirks at him) Do you think I'd be helping you if I thought you had
that cold-blooded killer gene your grandmother's got going? (Nikolas frowns.
Lucky looks back at the gun again) Do you know why guns cause so much trouble? I
mean… Think about it. Everyone is always freaking out about guns. Trying to
limit them, pass laws, waiting periods, all that stuff.
Nik: Because they kill people. (Lucky laughs softly)
Lucky: There are knives on the market that, trust me, serve no other purpose
than shutting someone down. In fact, I bet your grandmother has a whole
collection of them. Thing is… You can't do that without getting messy. Guns… Are
messy. But they are messy at a distance. You can make the decision to kill
someone with a gun and they are dead before you can even stop and think about
what it means… If you can aim. Can you aim?
Nik: (after a moment) In archery.
Lucky: I suppose that's somewhat comparable. (He winces) Man. I'm beginning to
sound like you. (Lucky turns back and extends his hand, holding the gun out to
Nikolas) Take it. (Nikolas steps back)
Nik: Ok. (Nikolas laughs slightly, trying to cut the tension) I think I see
where you're going with this, Lucky… But I think I'd rather have this
conversation when the mother ship lands, ok? (Lucky looks at him a moment, then
shrugs)
Lucky: You have to decide where you stand on this. If you're seriously
considering killing her, you have to know what that means.
Nik: (defensive) I know what it means.
Lucky: Good. Now you just have to figure out how you're going to do it. (Nikolas
finds himself wishing Lucky wasn't making sense. His behavior is scary, no doubt
about it, but every word out of his mouth is hitting home in ways Nikolas didn't
know was possible. Not from Lucky. He finds himself desperately just wanting the
conversation to end. For Lucky to leave him alone a moment. Just so that he can
feel the earth underneath him, so that he can come down from this heady place
Lucky seems to be residing right now. He steps forward and holds out his hand)
Nik: Give me the gun.
Lucky: It's yours, man. (Nikolas takes the gun from him, refusing to think about
it. He can feel the metal, warm from being in Lucky's grip. He finally looks
down, taking in the sight of the weapon in his own hand. He feels himself go
cold, suddenly the only heat he can feel is that coming off the gun itself. Get
a grip, Nikolas, he thinks. He's handled weapons before. Just not this one. And
not with the intention he's supposed to have now. He looks up to see Lucky
watching him, looking pensive.) You're not a gun person.
Nik: What?
Lucky: (shrugging) It doesn't suit you. It's not your type of threatening. Too
blunt. You like to be cryptic. (Nikolas looks over at him in confusion) You're
not like this.
Nik: I can be if I have to be.
Lucky: (softly) Are you sure about that?
Nik: That's what this is about, isn't it? You really don't think you I can do
this.
Lucky: Remove the safety. (Lucky points it out) It's right there. (Nikolas looks
at the gun, the removes the clasp with his thumb. Lucky crosses his arms) Good.
Now aim. You know how to do that. (Nikolas shakes his head)
Nik: At what? (Lucky points out a tree.)
Lucky: There. Just… Focus on it. Let everything else fall away and look at the
mark. (Nikolas does this almost habitually, it's not at all hard. Intense focus,
that's something he's always been able to do. His determination to prove to
Lucky that he can do this… and much better than Lucky probably thinks he can…
allows him to let go of the safety of being completely aware of what's around
him. He let's it fade, staring hard at the tree, and listening to Lucky's voice.
Still maddeningly calm and measured. One of the most unnerving sounds he's ever
heard). If you look at it long enough, it can be almost anything. It doesn't
matter. It's just a bull’s eye. A target. That's all it has to be. (Nikolas
grits his teeth, pulling back the hammer and cocking the gun. He doesn't think I
can do it, he thinks. He doesn't think I can understand this). Pull the trigger,
hit it, and that's it. (Nikolas adjusts his aim, wanting to make absolute sure
he makes this shot. Just as he's preparing to shoot, Lucky continues his speech)
Except that's not it. (Nikolas' focus falters a moment, but he stubbornly
refuses to look at him). You might want it to be, but nothing ends with that.
You pull the trigger, you've made a decision and something's gonna go down. You
can do everything in your power to make sure it's the right thing, but there's
no guarantee. And even if you hit just what you meant to, if everything goes
exactly how you wanted it to, you can't control what happens in your head.
Because you'll start seeing things that never occurred to you. You'll start
thinking things and not have any idea where they came from. You'll hear the
shot, you'll replay it in your head. You'll see the blood. (Lucky notices
Nikolas' arm has begun to shake) You'll see every moment that lead to you do
what you did… over and over again. In surround sound, if you're lucky. It won't
leave. It'll be with you forever. And you won't be able to undo it. (Nikolas'
vision blurs under tears he's not even aware of, losing sight of the tree. He
can see, however, clear as day… Luke Spencer standing at the end of the catacomb
corridor, gun trained on him, a big smile pasted on his face… laughing… Hannah
lying on the floor, blood seeping through Lucky's hands… And then himself, the
taste of blood and bile, the feeling of something ripping through you like that,
that quick, that fast, and tearing out a part of you. His grip loosens on the
trigger and, before making the conscious decision, Nikolas has thrown the weapon
down. Lucky closes his eyes, exhaling. Nikolas is shaking visibly, and turns his
back to Lucky, struggling with his breath. Lucky crosses to the gun and picks it
up, unloading it in one motion and dumping the bullets into his hand) Never
throw a loaded gun. Bad idea. (Nikolas says nothing. Lucky looks down at the
bullets in his hand) This is your choice, Nik. (Nikolas turns to Lucky,
unsteady. He can't get over the power of those images on him, the ferocity with
which they hit him. It barely feels real.) What you do, it's up to you. You have
to keep the control. (He turns to look at Nikolas) Don't let Helena push you to
do something you can't live with. (Nikolas blinks, catching his breath, like
he's just been splashed with cold water) Trust me. It won't be worth it.
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