Chapter 170 -- Epiphany.
The Campsite
Nikolas sits against the tree, his head in his hands. This could be a
commercial, he thinks miserably. Some sort of aspirin, extra strength anything
designed to take the edge off the younger brother from hell.
God, he didn't know clarity could hurt this much. But it can, apparently. When
everything suddenly feels this obvious, and when it won't stop pounding around
inside your head. Who would have thought, one day, that he'd be in this much
agony all because, for one God-awful moment, Lucky Spencer came into focus for
him. It makes too much sense. More sense than just talking ever would have.
Thing Lucky would never have said.
He hadn't seen the parallel. Even if it had been staring them straight in the
face. He had never looked at it that way. Helena was a monster. She was bound
and determined to tear down everyone she came in contact with. He'd known that,
had it drilled into him, nearly his whole life. How could he be surprised at how
far her reach extended? When it came right down to it, everything, everything he
knew, was due to that woman. She was the reason he existed. She forced the hands
of everyone in his life. Why hadn't he seen how that led Lucky here?
It wasn't been that he hadn't been thinking about Lucky, about what might be
going on in his head. He had. Emily's cryptic remarks had egged it on, as if it
wasn't already pushing at him. But sometimes there are things that are too
dangerous to believe. And the idea of understanding Lucky… of having any idea
what might be happening in his brain… that was dangerous territory. And
expecting anything but venom and disgust from him was setting himself up for a
hell of a fall.
It had been that way from the beginning. From the moment he'd first suspected he
and Lucky didn't feel nothing for each other. It was the reason he'd pushed
Lucky away in the first place. And it was the reason he didn't think about what
had happened in the parking lot. Not nay more than he had to. What did any of it
mean? He couldn't know, not for sure, if Lucky had made these decisions for him.
How could he let himself believe that? It fell into direct contrast with almost
everything he knew. Or thought he knew. But it was what the answer seemed to be.
Lucky hasn't wanted the secret to come out. He hadn't wanted it out badly enough
to do something he couldn't live with. Something that was tearing him apart. And
Laura, Luke, Lulu… They were all part of that decision. But so what he. And so
was Helena.
and there was something else. Something that gnawed at him, and refused to be
ignored. From moment one, Lucky's complete insanity… if that was the word… the
twisted way he looked at the world. How reckless and emotional he was, how
destructive, all of it… That had been lain at the feet on Luke. He was a
Spencer. It was in the genes. And Luke was a maniac, so why wouldn't his son be?
Maybe Lucky was a maniac. Certainly he had his borderline moments. And maybe
Luke had taught him about guns and stealing cars. Maybe he had helped Lucky
nurture his hatred towards the Cassadines. And maybe it was him that instilled
the “values” as backwards as they were. But Luke had nothing to do with this. He
hadn't pushed Lucky into the place he lived now. Not directly. That had been
Laura.
Nikolas feels a strong wave of anger hit him. So strong it confuses him. This is
Laura! She drove him nuts. She was inconsistent, she was indecisive, she often
had this look on her face that seemed to scream “Someone solve this for me”.
But… She's not evil, Nikolas thinks. She's not like Grandmother, she's not
setting out to hurt people. So how on earth did she let this happen to her son?
How did she let Lucky turn into this person? Can't she see it? Hasn't he shown
her just how dark the places he lives are?
God, he was trying to protect me. Nikolas closes his eyes, feeling his body
shake a bit. He thinks I could turn into him and he wants to make sure I know…
Because no one told him.
Nikolas feels tears spring to his eyes and sits up with a start. What the hell
is this? He's not going to fall apart about this. So Lucky is acting scary. So
he's being a freak. What else is new?
It doesn't work. Nikolas leans forward again, cradling his hammering head in his
hands again. Lucky made a decision that changed his life forever. And at the
time, he did it because he thought it was best. Who for, that's hard to say. But
certainly not himself. And it's destroyed him, slowly but surely, ever since.
Pictures of the last month keep flashing pat Nikolas' eyes. The insanity, the
completely irrational and self-destructive things Lucky had done. This was why.
It wasn't petty, it wasn't small, it wasn't about hatred of anything but
himself. Nikolas sits up again. Why the hell does he feel this way? Like he's
just been punched in the stomach, hovering on the edge of panic. He can't even
put names on the feelings swirling around inside of him. It's overwhelming, too
much at once.
Nikolas stands up, pacing the clearing at a brisk pace. Ok. Enough of this. You
got what you wanted. You understand. It all is starting to make sense. And it's
not ever all bad. But GOD, you have to admit… it's your turn. You didn't do this
to him, but you're the reason it happened. And if no one else is going to
protect him… Nikolas stops, his breath catching. He knows this feeling. This
kind of gnawed, he's felt it before. A sort of possessive fury when someone
messes with what is his, what he's responsible for. He's not sure it's ever
gripped him with this kind of ferocity.
If no one else is going to protect him, Nikolas realizes, then I will.
* * * *
Hillside, Greece.
Emily is sitting cross-legged half way down the hill, the letter clenched in her
hand, staring off into the distance. There are still the remnants of shed tears
on her cheeks, but she makes no move to brush them away. She doesn't move,
except for the occasional blink. Even her breathing appears nonexistent. Behind
her, she becomes aware, of someone approaching over the grass. She doesn't turn
around or acknowledge them, even when they sink down beside her.
Lucky: (quietly) I was looking for you.
Em: You found me. (Lucky reaches out and runs the knuckle of his index finger
down the side of Emily's cheek. She looks over at him.)
Em: What?
Lucky: You've been crying.
Em: Yeah… (She looks away) Yeah, I have. (Lucky cups his hand against her face
and forces her to look at him)
Lucky: Tell me about it.
Em: (Smiling slightly) Just like that.
Lucky: Yeah.
Em: I will if you will. (Lucky's face clouds. He looks down at the ground a
moment, then back at her)
Lucky: Yeah. Sounds fair. I guess we'll call it a draw then? (Emily feels tears
welling in her eyes again. A draw. She should have known he'd choose that. Lucky
sees the look on her face and moves closer to her. He leans into her, studying
her expression. He had no idea what to expect when he'd gone off in search of
Emily. Nikolas hadn't been exactly communicative. In fact, he'd had amazingly
little to say. It's obvious, however, that something upset her. He looks at her
in empathy.) Emily. (She looks up at him, seeing his concern. God. She feels
herself lean into him, then stops. Lucky, taking the cue, catches her mouth with
his, and kisses her softly.
Lucky: (whispering) I'm sorry, Em. (He lifts her head, and kisses her again) I'm
sorry… (Emily catches the beginnings of a sob in her throat and holds it
stubbornly, letting him kiss her. She responds only slightly, out of instinct
more than anything else. She doesn't trust herself to let go enough to actually
kiss him back. The emotion gets stuffed back down, getting stuck in her chest
and constricting her breathing. She pulls away from Lucky in desperation.)
Em: Don't! (Emily scrambles away from him, struggling to catch her breath. She
stumbles to her feet, pulling breath into her lungs, and turns her back on him.
After a moment, Lucky follows her, coming up behind her, and puts a hand on her
shoulder). I can't do this. I'm trying so hard, Lucky…
Lucky: I know you are. (He bows his head, and exhales) I don't know how to talk
about him, Emily. I don't know how to say it out loud. (Emily turns around to
face him)
Em: Just SAY it! (at the anger in Emily's voice Lucky steps back, immediately
getting defensive)
Lucky: There's nothing to say! Why isn't that ok? (Emily lets out a short non-
laugh, looking upward) There isn't anything I can say to make it go away, Emily.
It doesn't work like that.
Em: It doesn't have to go away! (Emily stops, running a hand through her hair,
trying to calm herself, step away from the argument) Lucky… I can deal with
sleeping outside in the middle of nowhere. I can deal with you and Nikolas never
being able to say more than ten words without setting off some kind of emotional
A-bomb. I can deal with trying to figure out how I feel about everything that's
happened to me in the last month… But I can't do this. I need to know. I need to
know that I still know you. (Lucky's expression softens, moving from anger to
pain)
Lucky: Emily. (She closes her eyes, shaking her head)
Em: (a whisper) Just do it. (She looks back at him) It's that simple. Just open
your mouth and let something come out. (Lucky stares at her for a long moment,
then opens his mouth slightly. Nothing comes forward. Emily feels herself begin
to crack again, when he suddenly speaks)
Lucky: I'm trying to forget about him Emily. Talking about him won't help me do
that. (Emily stares at him, stunned, both by the confession and the fact that he
did actually talk).
Em: Forget about him? Lucky…
Lucky: It's the only way. It's not going to work any other way. (Lucky's words
are determined, not leaving much room for debate. Emily stares at him)
Em: Is that what all of this is about? Being back on the road? Hunting down
Cassadines? Is that about forgetting him? (Lucky turns away, feeling suddenly
panicked. )
Lucky: (unsteady) Look. You asked…
Em: He still loves you. I know that.
Lucky: (viciously) SO WHAT? (Emily stops dead)
Em: So what? So… Everything!
Lucky: You want simple, Emily? I can give you simple. I don't want to be his son
anymore. I want it to be over. I did what I did and he knows about it. That's
it. Everything is different.
Em: Except how he feels about you! (Lucky stares at her a moment, then shakes
his head, as if there is some sort of irony in that statement).
Lucky: Emily… When we broke up… (Emily looks away, fighting exasperation)
Em: Oh, Lucky…
Lucky: Listen to me, Emily. That was the most honest moment we ever shared.
(Emily gapes at him) You said stuff I'm never going to forget about, ok? It's in
there. Every word, every look… I remember it. The worst part was watching you
try not to believe it. Listening to you tell me you knew I couldn't do it. I
don't want to do that with him. I don't want to look at him and have him tell me
why I did this. What he's decided my reasons were. Because he'll be wrong. And
I'll have to tell him. And that will be it. (Emily looks at him, shaken. After a
moment, she speaks, her voice thin)
Em: Can I ask you a question? (Lucky looks back at her) How well do you remember
our first kiss? (At this point, Lucky seems to realize he's taken a bad turns
somewhere in this conversation) What about the first time I told you I loved
you? Or the first time we made love? (Tears start to stream down Emily's face)
Do those just not rate on this scale? You're telling me… (She looks at him,
shaking, the words come out shaky) When you undress me, when I lie down with
you, when I let you inside me… That's a lie? That's not the most honest thing
I've ever done with you? What the hell do you THINK of me, Lucky? (Lucky closes
his eyes. Oh, GOOD. Hey, at least they aren't talking about his father anymore.
Except that the two topics, when talking to Emily, get completely wrapped up in
each other. He looks back at her, at the anger and hurt on her face. This has to
stop. He can't keep doing this to her. Lucky drops down onto the grass, and
leans his arms on his knees.)
Lucky: (quietly) If we're reviewing moments of honesty, Emily… You're going to
come out way ahead of me. Maybe that's it. (He looks up at her. Emily stares
back at him. There are tears gathering in his eyes, and she can tell he's
struggling not to turn away) I can't stop thinking about something. If you want
to know when I've been honest with you… That night. The night we got back
together. Do you know how much I think about that? (Emily shakes her head) I've
tried to forget it. I've tried to block it out, pretend I never felt like that,
forget it happened…
Em: (in shock) Why?
Lucky: Do you know how badly I wanted that? Do you have any idea? (Emily stares
at him, then decides to make this slightly easier on him, and crouches down next
to him, so that they are eye level. Lucky takes a shaky breath and continues)
That was the center of my whole life at that point. Everything, I made
everything about it. I blamed everything on not having you. On losing you. On
blowing the only thing in my life that was “good”. (He smiles bitterly at the
memory) It was this daily torture I could put myself through. It was the reason
I didn't just leave town. Maybe so I could still have the chance of getting you
back. Or maybe so that I could never forget I'd had you… And I didn't anymore.
Then one night, out of nowhere… And that was what it felt like. Like months of
going over and over what had happened, and then suddenly there you are, in front
of me, and you're saying everything I thought I wanted to hear. You'd said I was
never going to hear you say “I love you” again… but I was. And when I reached
out to you, you didn't turn away. You let me hold you… I… (He stops, bowing his
head a moment. No real way to say this without sounding incredibly wimpy, but…
He looks back at her. He has to tell her. That simple) It was like… I couldn't
hear anymore. I couldn't feel anything. It was this incredible moment where
everything just stopped. I can't even explain how I felt. It wasn't… Happy. It
was beyond that. It was like… Euphoria. (He smiles again, looking at her with
love) Intense. When you kissed me, finally, after all that time, after thinking
you were never going to feel like that about me again… It was like nothing would
ever was ever going to exist outside of that. Nothing ever could. And… That was
honest. Everything I was feeling, everything I wanted at that moment… It was
just about feeling. Real and honest feeling. Because I love you so much. (Emily
stares at him, a small smile on her lips. Lucky has never ever talked like this
to her. Even knowing, without doubt, that he loved her, she'd never known he
thought things like this. Or felt them)
Em: Lucky…
Lucky: There's this thing about life, Em… (Emily's smile falters. Right. Reality
check). When you get your happy ending? You… Still get up the next day. And you
gotta look at your life and realize… You haven't changed. You're still the same
person you were. It's just… Everything else… everything you did. That's what
changed. We changed. You're right, we've never been like we were before…
Em: No. But I don't WANT to be what we were before.
Lucky: What… Part? Happy?
Em: We're more real than we ever were before. Lucky… I saw you through this
cloud of idolization, and Infatuation… And hormones. Lots of hormones. And I
loved you. I'm not saying that wasn't real. But I didn't love you like this. My
eyes are wide open. When I look at you, I see who you really are. And I think
that's the part you can't handle. God. It's like you're mad at me for loving
you!
Lucky: No. That's not it.
Em: Then what is it?
Lucky: I want to let you go, Emily. (Emily stares at him, feeling like a
cannonball just ripped through the center of her.) I want to let you go, I want
you to be happy. And I don't make you happy anymore. But I can't. I can't even
start to try to… I wish I could say it's because I couldn't hurt you like that,
but… I think I keep proving, I can hurt you almost any way I can think of… and a
few that don't even occur to me until I do them. I can't do it for entirely
selfish reasons. I can't do it because, even with everything else, it hurts too
much not to have you.
Em: Damnit. (She puts her head down, crying. Lucky looks at her, miserable, not
feeling like he has the right to reach out to her again. She looks up at him,
infuriated) I hate this. I hate this SO much. All of it! How the hell did this
happen to us? I mean… God, at one point, I know I made you happy…
Lucky: You DO make me happy.
Em: NOTHING makes you happy! I might make you smile sometimes, but that's it. I
can't make you forget. I can't make you forgive yourself. I can't even make you
believe that I don't really CARE about what you did. Or why. All I care about it
making it stop. And I can't. No one can but you.
Lucky: I don't know how to. I don't know… I don't want to feel this way. I don't
want to keep hurting you. But I don't know how to NOT feel like this. I can't… I
can't let my guard down. I can't just relax and let myself… (He stops, too
choked up to continue. Emily looks at him, tears still streaming down her face.
Lucky puts his head down, struggling. Emily sighs, and moves over to him,
wrapping her arms around him, laying against his back)
Em: Who you are… You're so much more than what you did. You have to stop acting
like that is all that mattered. (Lucky sits up, quickly, and Emily moves away.
She waits for him to look at her. His face is red with the effort of not
allowing himself to break down. He pulls her back to him, burying his face
against his hair)
Lucky: just tell me what was wrong. Please. (Emily leans against him, her
stomach knotting again. She doesn't feel like getting into it. From day one, the
only way she's had to really deal with Hannah and what happened to her, is by
dealing with the chaos it caused. She doesn't even know how to start to deal
with it as an actual reality. Independent of the rest of this).
Em: Let's just say… I do understand why not talking is easier.
Lucky: And I think I get why not hearing hurts.
Em: I'm not trying to hurt you. (lucky laughs, bitterly, against her)
Lucky: We're melding. (He pulls back and looks at her, tears finally escaping
his eyes) You know what keeps me going? Most of the time… Is knowing… For some
crazy reason, sometimes, when my mind isn't spinning… I can help you. (Emily
reaches out and brushes the tears from his face)
Em: You do. You have.
Lucky: Let me help you with this. Whatever it is. I can't make you any promises,
but I can try to take care of you. It's what I need. More than anything else, I
need you. (his voice breaks) I hate saying that. I don't mind any of the rest of
it, I just hate needing you this much. I hate feeling weak.
Em: No, Lucky. You want weak? I can give you a guided tour down that road…
Lucky: No. (He reaches out and pulls her into his arms, closing down the topic.
He always does, Emily thinks, lying against him. ) I don't care about that
stuff, Emily. I don't. (His grip on her tightens, almost becoming ferocious, as
if nothing on earth could tear her from it. Emily feels a now familiar ache in
her side, in response, but only holds him tighter. After several moments, she
feels the tremor running through him begin to lessen, just a little. He pulls
back a little, finally, to look at her.) What was it? Why were you crying? (the
question, 'was it me' is unasked, but hangs there, all the same. Emily smiles
ruefully and kisses him lightly, before struggling out of his arms. Lucky is
loathed to let go, but does so. She holds up the letter, clenched in her hand)
Em: It's from Hannah. Nikolas had it. I asked him to give it to me. (Lucky
stares at it a long moment)
Lucky: I'd forgotten. (He clears his throat) They were to say goodbye. (Emily
nods, staring at the paper, now crumpled and torn a bit.)
Em: Yep. That's what she said. (She gets a distant look in her eyes, allowing
Lucky to move entirely out of his quagmire of emotions and into hers. He reaches
out and takes the letter from her. She releases her grip. He takes the paper,
not looking at it, and smoothes it, then refolds it, and slides it into the
pocket of Emily's shirt)
Lucky: Then you better hang onto it. (Emily feels her eyes well up again, and
nods, biting her lip. She leans into Lucky again and kisses him again, then lies
her head down on his shoulder. Lucky closes his eyes, holding her, and lets
himself feel, momentarily, calm).
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