Chapter 19
* My fantasy has turned to madness
And all my goodness has turned to badness
My need to possess you has consumed my soul
My life is trembling I have no control
I will have you yes I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you*
Jason shook his head and smiled. He then moved closer to Caroline, and put his
arms around her waist again. He held her tightly, forcing her to slow down. “I'm
better at dancing this way,” he said softly as she placed his arms on his
shoulders.
Caroline suddenly felt all of the adrenaline slowly draining out of her, and
found that she had trouble slowly swaying with Jason. She buried her face in
Jason's shoulder, taking in his scent, without realizing what she was doing.
Jason tightened his grip around her, and kissed her hair. Caroline looked up at
Jason, and found him returning her intense gaze. As she looked in his eyes, she
saw something that they often lacked. Fire. Passion. Sizzle. But all elements
were there now. Their eyes locked, and even though she tried to, Caroline
couldn't look away. Jason bent down, and kissed her. Hard. Caroline returned the
kiss, and immediately felt a sharp tingle run through her.
* You are an obsession you're my obsession
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me
You are an obsession you're my obsession
Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me*
Jason pulled her closer and started to trace his hands up and down her back,
while Caroline ran her fingers through her hair. Caroline kissed Jason with all
of her strength, and the kiss seemed to swallow her whole. Jason was so good to
her, so right. Nobody else could make her feel this way… except for Shane.
Shane. Caroline stopped the kiss, and pushed Jason away, taking a deep breath.
Jason tried to move closer again, but she stepped back, leaning against the
couch.
“Don't” she whispered.
“Caroline” Jason started to say.
“DON’T!” Caroline spun around and covered her face with her hands. She didn't
want Jason to look at her. She couldn't believe what she had just done. It was
supposed to be a dance, just a dance. It was meant for fun, to take her mind off
of problems, not to create any.
Jason stared at her back for a moment, then slowly moved toward her. He stood
directly behind her, but not touching. Jason reached out his hand to touch her,
but then stopped in midair. He then moved his face closer to her. “Caroline,” he
said softly.
Caroline stiffened at the sound of his voice, while feeling the warmth of his
breath caress her hair and skin. She placed her hands on the arm of the couch
for support, and tried unsuccessfully to blink back the tears, which were about
to fall.
Jason gently placed his hands on her arms from behind, but retracted them
quickly as Caroline jumped.
“STOP IT! DON”T TOUCH ME!” Caroline cried, moving around him. “Why did you do
it?”
Jason was a loss for words, and tried to figure out her reaction as he stared at
her. “I'm sorry, I…”
“Why would you even want to touch me, or kiss me? WHY?” Caroline said angrily.
She was crying now, and she didn't know what she was feeling inside.
“Because I love you,” Jason said simply. “I love you.”
Caroline sharply took in a breath of air, feeling dizzy. She couldn't have heard
correctly. There was no way in hell that Jason Morgan had just said that he
loved her. “I'm delirious. Utterly delirious,” she thought wildly. She was going
to faint… or throw up. She suddenly felt sick. The kind of sickness you feel
when you're in trouble, and you don't know what to do. How could Jason play with
her emotions like that? She had loved him for months… she was STILL in love with
him. “Why are you doing this?” she whispered, backing up against the door to the
penthouse. “Why?”
“I love you.”
“Don't say that again. Please.”
“What you want me to say?” Jason asked, feeling as if someone had just punched
him in the stomach.
Caroline wiped away some of her tears, and slid down to the floor. “I want you
know how you could to this to me? How about Robin, Jason? Have you forgotten
about your little angel? Your teacher, your savior, your first love, you true
love… YOUR EVERYTHING!” she shouted.
“I… I still love Robin. Things have changed between us, but I…”
“You what? You just wanted a playmate in the bedroom? “Cause you see, I just
don't understand what for. You and the advice columnist are already sleeping
together, so what use am I?” she interrupted him.
“Caroline you don't understand…”
“I don't understand? YOU”RE DAMN RIGHT I DON’T UNDERSTAND! How could I, Jase?
Tell me, please tell me. You said that you loved me. What exactly is it that you
love about me? Do you love the way I play pool, or the way I look in a
miniskirt? Do you love my bedroom manners, or do you just love me because I gave
you a child!,” she said as she stared to sob uncontrollably.
“Caroline, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you how I feel…”
“Oh Jason, I already know how you feel! You love me! Well let me tell you how I
feel. I HATE YOU! I hate you for doing this to me! I hate you for toying with
me. Do you think that I'm some sort of doll, which you can play with for a
while, then discard, if you get tired of it?”
“Caroline, no! I would never think of you in that way. How can you say that? You
know how much you mean to me. I love you. Am I wrong to do that? Why does my
loving you hurt you so much?,” Jason asked, wanting to cry himself.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH! You knew… you knew for months that I was in love with you!
You knew that I wanted to be more than just your friend! And what did you do?
You vowed to stay faithful to Robin… EVEN WHEN SHE DUMPED YOU! What made her so
much better than me? What does she have that I don't?”
“Caroline, would you please just listen to me? I didn't realize it at the time
that I loved you. Please don't hate me for something that I had no control of.”
“Jason, you have control. You are always in control. You're in control of your
business, your actions, and your feelings. I don't have the same control. I
can't control anything, and when I try, I mess it up.” Caroline wiped her face
again with the back of her hand.
“Jase, let me tell you something. When I first saw you, everything inside me was
interested in you. You were so different from Shane, or anyone else that I had
ever met. And I needed that, you have no idea how much I needed that. I wanted
some sort of reassurance, some sort of sign that my life still had some meaning.
After my daughter's death, I needed to feel something. I came to Port Charles to
see Bobbie, but I don't know if I FELT anything for her at the time. Jason, you
made me feel again. I agreed to our no name sex for some sort of protection or
safety net. Just in case I went to far, I could step away, without getting too
involved. But the more time I spent with you, the more I wanted to know about
you. The real you.”
“Caroline, please…”
“No. Jason, wait. Please let me finish. This is how I feel, how I've felt ever
since I met you. Just please shut up and listen, because after tonight, I don't
think that I will ever repeat what I have to say.” Jason nodded, and wiped away
a few tears. He didn't know what to feel right now. He was helpless, just
staring at her. Her bitterness toward him was tearing him apart, and he didn't
know what to do about it.
“I thought I would be okay if I just had sex with you. But then I got greedy. I
didn't want just you body. I wanted your emotions, your laughter, your dreams,
and your love. But I couldn't have that part of you, because it had already
belonged to Robin. That's why I acted the way I did. I was jealous of Robin. She
was the girlfriend, and I was the slut. I never thought of myself as a slut, or
something dirty, until after you. Maybe because I knew what I was doing was
wrong.” Caroline took a deep breath, before continuing.
“I was so happy when we continued to be friends. You seemed to care so much. You
know, when I was with Tony, I would often feel stifled, as if I was suffocating.
But you made me breathe. You would come visit, and talk… and make me feel
special. If you had told me that you loved me then, I would have left Tony
without a second thought. But you never did,” Caroline said with a scornful
laugh.
“When I came to you that night, pregnant and alone, you took me in. You helped
me, and my child. You know, I wished that I was carrying your child. Even more
so, when I returned from Florida after Michael was born. I loved how you would
hold him, and talk to him as if he was an adult. I loved how you would play with
him, and look at him. I loved you, and I wanted to make you happy. I wanted a
happy family. I was robbed of that once, and I wanted it again. But you didn't
want that; you didn't want me” she said, standing up again.
“But I think that I want you now” Jason said, moving closer to her.
“Yeah. You say that you love me now. Now, when I'm supposed to be starting over.
Now, when Shane returned. You know, if you had told me this yesterday, I would
have been so happy to hear it. Because I'm still in love with you. Even now, at
this very second, my heart is pounding, and you're the reason. But I made a
choice, and I chose Shane. I promised him, I promised US, that we would try and
work things out. Before I made that choice, I told you. I told you everything.
Why didn't you tell me then? Why did you wait until now? Are you just saying
that you love me, because now I'm with Shane?”
“Caroline, forget about yesterday. I'm sorry. Think about today, think about
now. I love you, and you just said that you loved me.”
“You also love Robin. And I also love Shane. Tell me, how can we love two people
at the same time?”
Jason took a deep breath, and massaged his temples. “Caroline, I don't know, but
we'll work it out.”
“We'll work it out, huh? Jason, I'm not about to relive out sick past. It hurt
Jason, and it will hurt even more now. You chose HER, Jason. You chose Robin
over me the first time. And I'm scared to death that you'll choose her over me,
yet again. I can't take that Jason. Not this time, not now.”
“Listen, I love both of you… differently. I think that we just need some time to
sort our feelings and everything else out.”
“No. I can't do that. I guess with me it’s all or nothing. I made a promise to
Shane, and I intend to keep it. Jason, I'm sorry. I love you, I do. But I love
Shane too. I don't know who I love more, but I do know what I need. I need
someone to love me, unconditionally. You can't give me that. Shane can.”
Jason stared at her, digesting what she had just said. She had just picked Shane
over him, and he was feeling the same way he felt when Sonny left. Alone and
empty.
“Please say that you understand, please. I don't know if things between Shane
and I are going to work out. But I have to try. I owe it to Shane, I owe it to
Eleyna… and I owe it to me. They say timing is everything. And everyone is so
right. If Shane weren’t in the picture, then I would go to you in a second. But
he's here. He's here for me. Jason, I know that my love for you isn't going to
evaporate. It may stay the same. I don't know. Right now, I'm not sure about
anything now.”
“Fine” Jason said, going over to his desk. He didn't want Caroline to know how
much he was hurting inside. “It's your choice.”
“Jason,” Caroline said helplessly. “This isn't easy for me. But maybe, right
now, it’s for the best. We have to think about Michael, and this whole mess with
AJ. If we were to get involved, we would also have to deal with Robin and Shane.
I just don't think I could handle all of that now.”
“I said it was fine Caroline. It’s your life, you can do what you want with it.”
“Jason…”
“You know, it’s late. I think the paternity test should be taken tomorrow, so we
should probably get some rest,” he interrupted. He didn't want to hear anymore.
He should have never told her that he loved her. If he hadn't, then at least he
wouldn't have the awful feeling of rejection, which he was experiencing right
now.
“Jason…”
“Goodnight, Caroline.”
Caroline gasped, trying to control herself. She burst into tears again and ran
upstairs. She flung open her bedroom door, and threw herself on her bed to cry.
She had thought that Jason loving her would make her feel wonderful. But right
now, she was feeling the exact opposite.
Downstairs Jason sat at his desk, crying. He was hurting so much, and couldn't
help it. He had never really realized how much he had wanted Caroline to choose
him. He looked on his desk, and saw the picture of Caroline with Michael. He
picked it up, and kissed the picture. He looked at it for another few seconds,
then threw it against the wall, which made the glass shatter. He looked at the
broken pieces of glass, and stared at it. That was how he felt. Broken. He
opened his desk drawer, and pulled out a key for his motorcycle. He hadn't
ridden it for months, due to safety. But right now, he didn't give a damn about
his safety. He got his leather jacket, and a pair of gloves, then left the
penthouse to ride.
“Obsession” by Animotion from “The Language Of Attraction”
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