The Blue-Files III
by Kate
MSR... of sorts...
this is the third in a series of Blue Heelers/XF
crossovers... the first two can be found at
my x-files page; Dimension X, at
http://www.riley.simplenet.com/xfiles/
spoilers for small potatoes... but as if any
proper x-phile hasn't seen that at *least* three
times...
...and please keep in note that Scully's middle
name is KATHERINE...
* * * * * * * * *
Somewhere in the United States...
Eddie Van BlundHt stared at the inside of his cell with
a sigh.
"Oh deary me, this is lonesome" he said unhappily.
He wished that he could be outside in the big, wide
world, with hundreds of women to woo in his own special
way.
A single tear slipped down his cheek.
"If only I could escape this dreadful place" he
sobbed.
Then his face brightened.
"Of course!" he said, snapping his fingers and jumping
up excitedly. "That's it!"
He'd completely forgotten about his other special skill -
his Alex-Mack-like ability to transform himself into a
liquid and slip through tiny places.
He screwed up his face as he concentrated intently on
the transformation, melting down into a silver puddle
on the floor, and then slipping out through the bars.
...And coming face-to-feet with the warden.
"Excuse me" he muttered, continuing sliding along,
carefully navigating his way out of the prison.
The prison guard hadn't even noticed the Eddie-puddle,
but had started freaking out when he'd heard the
squeaky voice.
"Noooooooooo!" he screamed, clutching his head.
The voices were back!
He ran screaming into the broom closet, locking
himself in. He would be safe in there. Safe
from the voices...
the voices told him.
Eddie, meanwhile, had just exited the prison
through the front gate, and had changed himself
back to normal, looking around him happily at the
dirty streets and polluted sky.
"It's all so beautiful" he murmured, tears of
happiness welling up in his eyes.
He skipped down the street as he contemplated his next
step.
Once the muscle-relaxant wore off, he was free to be
who he wanted, and do whatever he pleased.
"Yipppeeeeee!" he cried. "I'm free! Free, I tell you!
Free to dance in the winds! Free to dance in the
meadows! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
The he stopped singing and dancing and gulped.
Not five metres away were standing a pair of FBI agents.
A pair of strangely familiar FBI agents.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh crap" he moaned.
He quickly flattened himself against the wall.
"Oh, that darn muscle relaxant!" he muttered.
The FBI agents seemed to just be standing there.
he begged silently.
The FBI agents continued to stand there.
He tried telepathy.
It failed.
He tried again.
It worked.
The agents started coming towards him.
Eddie flattened himself even more against the wall,
but it was too late.
Mulder and Scully had already seen him, and looked
like they wanted blood.
"Uh... hi guys" he said timidly.
Agent Scully, he noticed, was blushing madly, and
Agent Mulder looked like an angry bull about to
charge.
"Eddie..." Mulder said slowly.
"Van BlundHt" Scully said stiffly.
Eddie gulped.
"Uh..."
He ran.
Mulder rolled his eyes before taking off after Eddie.
Scully sighed, sitting down cross-legged on the
footpath and waiting for Mulder to return.
Eddie, meanwhile, was running as fast as his little
legs would carry him, weaving in and out of the
crowds, with Mulder in hot pursuit.
Then Mulder stopped suddenly as Eddie vanished from
view.
"Oh, diddums" he said, placing his hands on his waist
with a pout.
He looked around at the crowds.
Eddie could be any of them; one of the businessmen,
a contruction worker, the guy dressed up as Bananaman...
*anyone*!
He shook himself frustratedly and slowly made his way
to Scully, who was writing her name in the dirt in
the gutters.
"I lost him" he said dolefully.
"Uh-huh." Scully dotted her i and crossed her t.
"What are we going to do?"
"Dunno."
She underlined her name and drew stars around it.
"I guess we'll have to wait 'til, you know, we get
more babies with tails."
"That'll be a long wait. At least 9 months."
"Yeah, I guess."
"We'll just have to find ways to keep ourselves
amused" Scully said innocently, as she wrote
'Fox William Mulder' under her name and drew a
heart around them both.
* * * * * * * * *
"It's a lovely day today..." Maggie sang. "And whatever
you have to do, it would be lovely to be doing it with
yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, dum di dum dum."
She pulled a yellow rose from the garden, dirt still
dangling from the roots, and held it against her heart
as she danced along the weed-ridden front path.
"And if you've got something that must be done, and it
can only be done by one, I guess there's nothing more to
saaaaaaaaaay, except it's a lovely day for singing, it's
a luuuuuuuuu-vleeeeeeeee daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy."
She finished off with a dramatic curtsey.
"G'day beaut sheila."
Eddie knew that all Australians spoke like that.
He was just wondering why he couldn't see any kangaroos
or koalas around. Maybe they were all down at the billabong
getting a drink.
Maggie turned with a gasp to see P.J. standing at the gate,
smiling at her.
"P.J.! What are you doing here?"
P.J. held up a bottle of white wine.
"I thought we could, um, you know.. celebrate."
Maggie threw her arm around him. "Celebrate what?"
"Uh..." Eddie/P.J. looked lost.
Then he was struck on the forehead by sudden inspiration.
"Last night?"
Maggie smiled. "That *was* pretty good, wasn't it?"
P.J. nodded enthusiastically.
Eddie was very confused.
"Ya know, Patrick Joseph, *you* are the greatest darts
player I know" Maggie said happily.
"Yeah... darts... of course" he smiled weakly.
Maggie took his hand and led him up the garden path.
"C'mon, let's go inside."
Eddie grinned.
* * * * * * * * *
one year later...
Maggie and PJ looked proudly down at their baby
daughter.
"Aren't you a pretty-itty-witty beywtifuw babbie?
Yes you are, yes you are" Maggie cooed.
Little Patricia Josephine Margaret Hasham-Doyle
smiled up at Mummy and Daddy.
Then she frowned.
Mummy and Daddy wanted her tail cut off.
Her lovely, wonderful, swishy tail!
And they hadn't even consulted *her* about it!
She spat.
Maggie wiped the spit out of her eye.
"Now, dat wasn't vewy nice of wittle Patty, was it?
No it wasn't, no it wasn't!"
Little Patty smiled.
* * * * * * * * *
"Alienbusters... I mean, Special Agent Fox Mulder,
how can I help you?"
Mulder leaned back in his swivel chair. It had taken
ten long years to master the skill of swivelling
without losing his balance and making a fool of
himself.
Ten *very* long years.
"It's me" Scully said briskly from her dark corner on
the other side of the room. "Can you get here Mulder?
There's something important I want to tell you."
"Where are you?" Mulder asked, looking at his watch.
"I'm over here." Scully waved a white flag above her
head to attract his attention.
"Um, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but I'll see what I can
do. I'll be there in about ten minutes, okay?"
Scully dropped the white flag with a sigh.
"Sure, fine, whatever, Mulder."
"Yep... you want me to pick you up something to eat
along the way?"
"Yeah, my coffee cup's on my desk."
"Okay, I'll see you soon, then."
Scully sighed again. "Yeah Mulder."
* * * * * * * * *
Mulder struck an unexpected detour on his way to Scully's
corner.
*Someone* had carelessly left a basketball rolling around
the office and Mulder was on it like a fly to a carcass,
bouncing it until the shelves started shaking and his
favourite snowglobe shattered on the floor in a million
pieces.
He gasped in horror, then suddenly he started swaying and
the world started to close in on him, and he fell to the
floor in a dead faint.
* * * * * * * * *
Scully pulled Mulder up into her arms, clutching him tightly
against her.
"Oh Mulder, Mulder!" she cried.
Mulder opened his eyes slowly, looking up into Scully's
eyes.
"Scully.. my snowglobe... it's - it's..."
Scully shook her head solemnly, tears running down her
cheeks.
"I'm sorry Mulder, it.. it didn't make it."
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo" Mulder threw back his head
and howled. Then he stopped when one of Scully's tears
hit him in the eye.
"Hey Scully, watch it! You're crying on me!"
Scully whisked out a pink hanky, drying her eyes.
"I'm sorry Mulder, but I.. I thought I'd lost you
forever!"
Mulder gasped. "You mean that... you care about me?"
Scully nodded, wiping her tears away with a sob.
"Oh Mulder, I've loved you longer than you can imagine.
You're all I ever think about. You're the apple of my
eye, the sunshine in my day... you are the wind beneath
my wings!"
They embraced passionately.
"Oh Scully!"
"Oh Mulder!"
They embraced passionately again.
"But Scully, how do we know that it's true love? What
if we're merely succumbing to the desires we both have -
the need for human companionship and sex twenty-four
hours a day?"
"Oh Mulder... isn't that true love?"
Mulder stood up, looking courageously at the back of the
office door.
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. Maybe we'll find out. Maybe we won't.
Maybe Pizza Hut is owned by Aliens Incorporated. Maybe not.
There are a few things we can be sure of in this world.
And there are so many things that we can't.
I could get run over by a bus tomorrow. Or a train. Or a
Ford Taurus. Or a granny on a Harley Davidson -"
Scully interrupted him, looking adoringly up at him.
"Oh Mulder, you truly have the poetic abilities of
Shakespeare!"
Mulder blushed. "Oh Scully, you are too kind! But..."
He cast his glance downward.
"Scully, I have a confesion to make" he whispered.
"What is it, my belovedest of beloveds?"
"I - I... Samantha wasn't really abducted by aliens.
We accidently left her up at our holiday house one
year, and Mom and Dad didn't realise until we got home.
And then they argued over who'd go back up there and
get her, and because neither of them would and I didn't
really like her anyway, we just left here there.
And I never saw her again..."
Scully stood up. Steam started coming out of her ears.
"All these years you've been lying to me! Lying!"
Mulder dropped to his knees. "I didn't want to, I swear!
Please forgive me, Scully. Please?"
Scully turned away.
"You have lied to me" she said quietly, her voice as hard
as Minties that have been kept in the freezer for six months.
"I suppose there aren't really aliens at all then? You
just made them up too?"
Mulder was aghast.
"Scully, how can you say such a thing? You know that aliens
exist just as well as I do. You've seen living proof!"
"What, those guys with the green blood? Mulder, that is
so... so *Hollywood*!" she spat contemptuously.
Mulder smiled, shaking his head slowly.
"Not them Scully. They're just recycled Canadian actors. I'm
talking about *Skinner*."
Scully's eyebrows rose and got lost in her hair.
"Skinner is an alien?"
Mulder sighed. "Jeez, I thought you knew. Everybody else does."
"Everyone else being...?"
Mulder sighed again. "Well, me, and... me..."
He caught Scully's accusing look.
"Okay, okay! I'm the only one who knew."
Scully looked satisfied.
"But" Mulder added, "It's pretty obvious. How else would a guy
with so little hair end up in such a high position of authority?"
* * * * * * * * *
location:
Mt Thomas Police Station
Mt Thomas, Victoria
The Great South Land
time:
4:05am, according to Tom's watch, which has had a dead battery
for six months. He just wears it to look like he actually knows
how to tell the time with such a new-fangled device.
real time:
How the hell should I know?
"Hey, Adam?"
"Yeah?"
"You remember those FBI agents, Mully and Sculder?"
"Um... wasn't that Mulder and Scully?" Adam asked.
Dash shook her head irritably.
"I *think* that I would remember their names, Bozo!"
"Um.. my name's Adam."
Dash sighed heavily. "I am *not* going to degrade
myself by talking to someone as brainless as you."
She stomped off to find Nick, who was busy writing
the third installment of his top-selling series,
currently entitled "The woes of a fireman's niece."
"Hi Nick."
Nick was typing frienzedly. "Not now."
"So, how are things going? You solved the problem
of the missing skydiving instructor yet? Did
she run away with the pirate like I suggested
and get married on a desert island, and then-"
Nick ran his hands through his hair in frustration,
muttering to himself.
"But if Yvette is in love with Jean-Claud, then
why is she eloping with Michel? Wait a moment -
maybe she secretly loves Joshua and wants to make
him jealous by eloping with Michel, and then Joshua's
wife will leave him because he'll spend his days
hopelessly pining for Yvette... and then Joshua's
wife will have an affair with John-Claud's half
brother, so in revenge, John-Claud will stab
Joshua's sister's husband's brother.. and then
Yvette will realize that it's Chug-Chug she
really loves, and she'll leave Michel for him, but
then they'll duel over her... I've got it!!!" he
shouted triumphantly, jumping up.
"You do? Wow!" Dash squealed excitedly, hugging
Nick.
It was at that exact moment that Zoe arrived,
taking in the situation as calmly as could be
expected.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!!!" she
demanded.
Dash let go of Nick and took a step back,
quivering with fear as Zoe went on, her
eyes flashing.
"I knew you were cheating on me! I knew that
the glamour would finally get to you; the life
of luxury and gala functions and notoriety
and all those little mints that they leave
on your pillows at those fancy hotels!
I knew it! You men are all just the same!
What do you have to say for yourself, huh?"
Nick was grinning insanely. "That's it! By
jove, you've got it!"
"What?!!" Zoe thundered.
Dash ran out of the room, sobbing hysterically.
Nick seated himself at hims computer, fingers
poised to type.
"Say all that again. I didn't catch it the
first time."
"You - you - you're putting what I just said
in your book???"
Nick looked confused. "What's wrong with that?"
"What's *wrong* with that???"
Nick shrugged. "You didn't complain about it
in any of the other books."
"You've done this in your other books?!" Zoe
spluttered.
She swept up the copy of Nick's second book
"The Love Octogon" and opened it near the end,
and read it aloud.
"There was silence in the normally-silent
shed.
Azalea Candacia Petunia Wattlebrush sat eating
a Vegemite sandwich, humming the Australian
anthem as she did so. All of a sudden
there was a bright light outside.
She gasped.
The shed door opened and she squeezed her
eyes shut tightly because she was scared.
"Don't be afraid" a familiar voice belonging
to someone she knew said.
"I bring you peace."
She opened her eyes, and looked into the
eyes of her one and only love apart from
all five of her ex-husbands and that
football player named Steve.
"Oh, Ettiene!"
The tall prince pulled her close to him.
"You don't know how long I've waited to
hear you say those words" he breathed.
"Say them again, my little flower."
"Oh, Ettiene!" she repeated, gazing
adoringly into his dark, smouldering
eyes. He had such beautiful eyes, the
colour of the ash that had blown into
her neighbour's backyard during the
January '94 bushfires.
"Say that again, my sweet Azalea" he
begged.
"Oh, Ettiene!"
"Just once more?"
"Oh, Ettiene!"
"And one for good luck?"
"Oh, Ett - No! What is the deal with
this? And what's that you're writing
down? Let me see that!"
She reached out, trying to grab the
paper fom his hands, but he held it
out of her reach.
"No, my sweet. If your eyes should
ever see what I have written upon this
off-white coloured surface, I assure you
that you would not be pleased."
"Ettiene, you're nuts."
"Ah, my sweet, insanity is just one of
the novelties left in this world for me
to savour."
"Savour this!" She slashed at him, her
long nails slicing the skin.
Ettiene moaned in agony, clutching his
arm as the blood spurted out.
He collapsed down into a chair, pulling
a bandage out of the first-aid kit he
kept in his pocket, and, after first
dabbing on some antiseptic just in case
Azalea's fingernails had been less than
sparkling clean, he wrapped the bandage
around his arm, pinning it neatly and
pulling his sleeve back down over it.
Then he stood up.
"Now.. where were we?"
"Huh?" Azalea asked absently, looking
critically at her fingernails. There
really hadn't been need for all that
antiseptic...
"Oh... uh... oh yeah, I'm mad at you."
Ettiene gave her the thumbs up, then
cleared his throat and began.
"My sweet, do not be mad at me. I have
come to ask you to come back with me
to my home planet, to be queen to my
king as soon as I have suitably disposed
of my father in a wicked plot which
not even the best of the good guys and
superheroes can foil."
He cackled maniacally.
Azalea put her head to the side,
considering.
Then she shrugged.
"Okay."
Hand in hand they walked out the shed
door and across the field to the UFO,
which flashed the words "Vacancy. Colour
TV. Heated pool. Restaurant. 3 and a
little bit out of five stars." accidently
stepping in a cow pat on their way.
"Oh, this is so wonderful" Azalea said
in awe as she entered the spacecraft.
"Yes" Ettiene said, puffing his chest
out proudly.
"Oh, Ettiene, you truly are the handsomest
alien I know" she whispered ecstatically.
"Yes, I know" Ettiene said happily.
And they lived happily ever after.
THE END."
Zoe closed the book gently, putting it
down on the table slowly.
"That" she said clearly "is pure crap."
Nick looked hurt.
"But Zoe, my darling, you said when you
first read it that you loved it."
Zoe shifted uncomfortably, trying to
think of a way of telling Nick that
that was the first she'd ever read of
anything he'd written without having
to actually tell him that that was
the first she'd ever read of anything
he'd actually written.
She couldn't think of one, so she just
patted Nick on his injured arm and left.
Nick looked puzzled, but them he shrugged
and turned back to his computer, ready
to type up the solution to the love tangle.
Then he frowned.
"Now, if Yvette loves Michel..."
* * * * * * * * *
Scully rubbed her chin thoughtfully, smearing
whipped cream all over it.
"Mulder, would you like to hear a fascinating
but totally irrelevant to what we're currently
doing fact which the writer of this fanfic is
making me bring to light for a reason known
only to her?"
Mulder put down his electronic basketball
game and blew Scully a kiss.
"Certainly."
Scully caught the kiss and blew Mulder one in
return.
"Well, apparently Eddie Van Blundht has an
identical, long-lost twin brother, named
Eddie."
"Eddie and Eddie. Hm, I bet their mother had
trouble telling them apart" he joked.
Scully shot him a withering glance, then
picked up an envelope from Mulder's desk.
"And, on a totally different note, here's
a letter from Dash McKinley from that
whacko cop station in that little country
with the funny accents and the kangaroos
and koalas, contriving to move this story
along."
"What's wrong with the speed this story's
going at?" Mulder asked, miffed.
"Well, even the writer's getting bored
with it. So hurry up and open the letter
so we can get to the next scene."
Mulder ripped the envelope open and
extracted a photo and piece of paper.
"Aw, look, it's a little baby!"
"Mulder, that baby has a tail" Scully
said pointedly.
"Aw, look! It's got a ta- what?!"
Scully skimmed over the letter.
"Mulder, you know those two that kept
sneaking off into their boss' office
when we were in Australia?"
"Yeah, Maggie and Pee-Jay."
"Well, this" she said solemnly "is their
baby. Eddie Van Blundht has struck again!"
- writer advances plot rapidly -
two days later...
Scully took another sip of her Fosters,
then almost choked on it as she watched
Mulder's dart miss the board by - well,
we'll be kind and just say a long, long way.
"I don't get it" Mulder whinged to PJ,
his "instructor".
"I throw really hard and I still miss!"
"You'll get it soon, I betcha" PJ said,
whacking him on the back in a show of
male camaraderie.
"C'mon, howsabout another Fosters?"
They sat back down at the bar with Scully
just as Maggie came in, pushing a pram.
"Oh, look! Here's my little Patty Jospehine!"
PJ cooed.
Mulder and Scully looked at the tailed
baby, then at each other with raised eyebrows,
then back at the baby.
Then Mulder gasped.
Maggie patted him on the back.
"We know that the tail is a bit of a surprise -
nobody was more surprised than us when little
Patty was born, but it's not really that
abnormal..."
Mulder shook his head, his mouth gaping wide
open. "It - it's - there -"
He pointed.
"Mulder, don't you think you've humiliated
yourself enough for one evening?" Scully
asked crossly as she following his gaze
to the dart boards.
"Van Blundht!" Mulder whispered. "He- he's
over there, playing darts!"
"Mulder, I know that you're upset about
you're incomplete incapability in the
field of dart-throwing, but this sort
of halluginogenic psychosis is completely
out of the question."
"It's Van Blundht, I'm sure of it!" Mulder
hissed.
Scully sighed. "Mulder..."
Then the man playing darts turned and
looked at them, his mouth dropping open
as a flash of recognition passed across
his face.
"I'll never doubt your word again" she
muttered to Mulder.
But Mulder had already gone.
So had Van Blundht.
Mulder returned five minutes later, out
of breath, his windblown hair emphasizing
his dorky haircut.
"I lost him... again."
Scully patted him on the back sympathetically.
Mulder wondered what everybody's obsession
with patting him on the back was.
"We'll see him again soon. This is a small
town. He can't hide for long."
Mulder nodded sadly and ordered another
Fosters.
* * * * * * * * *
"Hey, Chris, throw another couple of snags on
the barbie!" PJ called out the pub door.
"She's a great gal, she is" PJ told Mulder and
Scully. "Got this touch with snags, you know.
Never burns 'em."
"Uh.. excuse us for asking" Scully said politely
"but what is a 'snag'?"
"Blimey, you blokes from the States sure know
nothing 'bout Aussie lingo!"
Mulder and Scully exchanged uncomfortable
glances.
"A snag" Maggie piped up "is a sausage."
"Hey, anyone up for a game of darts while
we wait for the snags to cook?" PJ asked
hopefully.
Mulder looked at the dartsboard for a moment
and then shook his head, remembering his
embarassment from the previous night.
"I'll pass."
"Ditto" Scully said firmly. She associated
the game with a childhood memory she'd rather
forget. Something to do, perhaps, with taking
the term "bulls eye" too literally...
"Mags?" PJ turned to wife.
"Sure. Here, hold her" she handed the baby
to Scully, who prompty passed it to Mulder,
who looked distastefully at Little Patty
Josephine before putting her back into the
pram.
"Stay" he instructed the baby, then he turned
back to Scully and instantly forgot about the
baby.
"Y'know, Scully, we've been working together
for what - six years now? And I was thinking-"
"Mulder, shut up!" Scully hissed.
Mulder looked irked.
"Scully, what I'm trying to say is-"
"Mulder, shut UP!"
"Well, fine, be like that" he huffed.
"Mulder, that's Van Blundht!!!" Scully
whispered desperately.
"Now who's hallucinating" Mulder said with
a smirk.
"That's Pee-Jay, Scully."
"No, that's Van Blundht *as* PJ!"
"How can you tell?"
"Look at the way he's throwing that dart!
That's exactly how Van Blundht was throwing
them last night!"
Mulder blinked, rubbed his eyes and looked
again.
"Scully, I do believe you're right!"
"Let's get him. We'll just go up to him,
pretend we don't know anything, and then
you grab him and handcuff him, okay?"
Mulder nodded.
They both stood.
"Oh, and Mulder?" Scully whispered,
grabbing his arm. "Act casual."
Mulder nodded and sauntered 'casually'
over to 'PJ' and Maggie.
Scully downed the last of her fifth
Fosters and followed him.
- at this point the writer must interrupt
and apologise for the lack of stupidity
at this point of the fanfic. I'm doing
my best, guys! Sorry! -
"Hey, you've come to join us?" 'PJ' asked
hopefully as Maggie scored a bullseye
and then chalked up her score.
He looked forlornly at his single-figure
score beside hers of 998.
"I don't know how she does it" he muttered
to himself in admiration.
Scully held out a hand for the darts and
PJ handed them to her, patting her on
the shoulder.
Mulder removed PJ's hand from Scully's
shoulder, much to Scully's relief/disappointment
(depending on how much you think has happened
between Mulder and Scully) and snapped
handcuffs on him.
"Eddie Van Blundht, you are under arrest-"
he started.
Then he froze when PJ entered, glancing furtively
around.
The second PJ saw Mulder and Scully.
"Ohhhhhhhhhh crap" he moaned.
He turned and tried to make a dash for it,
but slipped on a banana peel conveniently
in the doorway and landed flat on his back.
Scully yanked him to his feet and twisted
his hands behind his back, handcuffing him.
Mulder and Scully looked at PJ, and then Mulder
and Scully looked at PJ.
Maggie looked very confused.
"Which one of you is Van Blundht?" Mulder
demanded.
"Who?" asked the first PJ.
"I didn't do it!" said the second PJ.
Mulder and Scully scratched their heads
thoughtfully.
Then they scratched their chins thoughtfully.
Then Mulder and Scully went to the bar and
ordered another Fosters each.
Half an hour and several Fosters later, they
had decided that the first PJ was actually Eddie
on the grounds that he was just pretending not
to know about himself at all, and the second
one was the real PJ because he was such an
honest bloke. And his hair was much neater.
They let the second PJ go and Mulder finished
reading the first PJ his rights, then Mulder
and Scully escorted the first PJ out.
Well, to be truthful - as Mulder and Scully
obviously believe that character trait
to be almost as important as neat hair -
they only got three steps.
Because then PJ Hasham walked in the
door.
The first PJ said "Ohhhhhhhhhh crap."
The second PJ, who was sitting at the
bar having a nice refreshing Fosters,
said "Ohhhhhhhhhhh crap... mm, nice
cold beer."
The third PJ accidently slipped on that
poor, mistreated, oft-trodden-on banana
peel and said "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh crap."
Mulder and Scully sighed heavily.
* * * * * * * * *
Three hours and six Fosters later Mulder
and Scully had decided that there was only
one way they would be able to figure out
who was the real PJ Hasham and whe were
the Van Blundht twins.
The three PJs were lined up, the one with
the neatest hair at the front, the one
with the messiest hair at the back.
"Who are you?" Mulder asked the second PJ,
whose hair was neatly combed.
"I'm PJ Hasham. Patrick-Joseph Hasham."
Mulder pulled Scully aside and whispered
"This *has* to be the real PJ. Only the
real PJ would know what PJ stood for."
Scully disagreed. "Mulder, you know what
PJ stands for, but you're not the real
PJ, are you?"
Mulder thought about this for a moment.
"I don't think so."
Scully rolled her eyes exasperatedly.
"Mulder, I can assure you that you are
*not* PJ Hasham."
Mulder looked relieved.
He turned back to the PJs and addressed
the third one, whose hair was neater
than the first's but not quite as neat
as the second's.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
The third PJ sighed sadly.
"I'm PJ Hasham. I've been stuck in Maggie's
linen closet for two years."
"I think there's something suspicious about
him, Scully" Mulder whispered to his partner.
"He says he's been stuck in a closet for
two years, but that style of watch he's
wearing only came out last year."
Scully agreed that this was very suspicious.
Mulder turned back and asked the first PJ
"Who are you?"
"Would 'ya believe me if I told you I was
PJ Hasham?" he asked hopefully.
"He has to be the real PJ" Mulder whispered
to Scully.
"Why?" Scully asked, not because she really
wanted to know, but because when Chris
Carter created The X-Files he created her
character as someone who always asked
questions and generally drove everybody
around the bend with them.
"Because one of them has to be and I've
had too much beer to think straight
enough to figure out who it is."
"Why don't we sleep on it?" Scully
suggested with a yawn, wondering why the
room was starting to go al fuzzy.
"We can't sleep 'til we've sorted this
out Scully. We have to ferret out the
truth. The truth is out there!!!"
Scully yawned again.
"How 'bout you do eeny meeny miny mo?"
the first PJ suggested.
"Mags knows that I'm the real PJ" the
second one said, pulling out a mirror
and checking his hair.
The third PJ was ordering another round
of Fosters for everyone.
Mulder and Scully sighed heavily.
* * * * * * *
Three hours and six Fosters later Mulder
and Scully had decided that there was only
one way they would be able to figure out
who was the real PJ Hasham.
"We're drawing straws?!!!" the second PJ
asked incredulously.
"But I always lose this" the third PJ
said with a sad sigh.
"How 'bout we wrestle crocodiles?" suggested
the first PJ. "Only the *real* PJ would
know how not to get himself killed."
He smirked.
"We're drawing straws" Scully said firmly.
They drew straws.
Mulder had forgotten to cut the straws to
different sizes.
"Another round of Fosters?" Chris suggested.
* * * * * * * * *
Three hours and six Fosters later Mulder
and Scully had decided that there was only
one way they would be able to figure out
who was the real PJ Hasham and who were
the Van Blundht twins.
"A darts contest" Mulder announced. "Because
we all know that the Eddie Van Blundhts throw
the same way."
The three PJs lined up in the same order as
before, with the second PJ first, followed
by the third PJ, with the first one last.
The second PJ threw the darts.
Mulder and Scully watched very carefully
as he threw, and then looked at each other,
nodding.
He had used the trademark Van Blundht dart-
throwing method.
The third PJ stepped up, took aim, and threw.
Mulder and Scully looked at each other,
nodding.
The third PJ had used the same style as the
second.
Mulder and Scully clapped handcuffs onto
the second and third Pjs, and took advantage
of them having the same name by only reading
out their rights once for the two of them.
"Don't I get a go?" the first PJ asked
plaintively. He liked playing darts.
"Mr Hasham, you're free to go" Scully
said briskly. "We'll take these two down
to the station for processing."
"Uh... there won't be anyone there" PJ
said, scratching his head and making
his hair even messier.
"I'll have to come down with you... oh,
look, the sun is rising!"
Mulder, Scully, the two Eddies and the one
PJ all looked out the window and oohhed
and ahhhhed.
Chris had fallen asleep behind the counter
and Maggie and Little Patty Josephine had
gotten bored somewhere between the ninth
and tenth rounds of Fosters and gone home.
When the oohhing and ahhing was over and
after one last round of Fosters, Mulder
and Scully and the third PJ got into one
car (Mulder refused to get in the car with
someone with hair as messy as either the
first or second PJs) and the first and
second PJs in another, they all headed
downtown to the police station.
And I say headed, because they didn't
actually get there.
A very fast, very flashy car, with someone
inside who sounded suspiciously like Nick,
yelling "Goodbye Mount Thomas! I'm moving
up in the world! I'm going to Sydney!!!"
came along an intersecting street and
sideswiped the first PJ's car, causing it
to flip over and land in a huge cow pat in
the field adjacent to the road.
Mulder and Scully's car came to a skidding
stop, and then kept on skidding when the
front tire skidded over an ill-placed
banana peel. It flipped over and landed
in a huge cow pat in the field adjacent
to the road.
* * * * * * * * *
The next morning
A hospital.
You know, the one where Zoe works.
I don't know what it's called.
No, it's not Wandin Valley, stupid!
Mulder woke up with a splitting headache.
His first thought?
Don't ask me. I'm not psychic.
But it's a safe bet it was along the lines
of "What did I do now?"
Scully actually spoke her first thought
aloud. Smart girl.
"Ughhhhhh...glugugugh..."
Okay, so it's not the most coherent
sentence we've ever heard her say, but
it's a start.
PJ Hasham woke up to find his wife at
his bedside.
But she wasn't next to his bed.
She was sitting next to PJ's bed.
The PJ in the bed next to him, that was.
Three hours later Mulder and Scully had
bribed (with non-existent passes to games
between invented teams for an invented sport)
their way in to see the three Pjs.
And that was when they discovered that the
three of them were mixed up again.
They were wearing identical pajamas that
Maggie had had the foresight to bring with
her to the hospital and, what was worse,
she'd forced them all to COMB THEIR HAIR.
"Now there's no way to tell them apart"
Mulder sobbed as they left the hospital
room.
Scully grimaced, her head throbbing both
from the methane inhalation and as a result
of her hangover.
"I guess there's only one thing to do" she
said grimly.
* * * * * * * * *
2 months later...
"Look at Daddy! Look at Daddy!" Maggie cooed to
her daughter.
Little Patty smiled at PJ, reaching out to
pinch his nose.
"Hey Mags, did you bring any of Chris' snags
like I asked last time?" PJ asked, coming up
behind her.
Maggie produced a bulging paper bag. "Here 'ya."
PJ looked out through the bars wistfully.
"It's such a beautiful day outside..."
PJ thumped him on the back of the head.
"Jeez, you're pathetic. C'mon, let's have
an arm wrestle."
"I don't want to" PJ said absently, watching
a rainbow lorrikeet dreamily through the
window.
"C'mon, 'ya wuss!"
"I'll fight against you" PJ piped up. "I can
beat you any old day."
"No you can't!"
Maggie smiled as she watched the three PJs
engrossed in their arm wrestle.
"Patty and I are going now" she called to
them. "We'll be back same time next week."
As she drove home, she reflected happily
upon her life. How many women had what she
had - three wonderful PJs?
Okay, so there were in prison - that was,
she supposed, a negative point, but that
was really for the best...
She parked the car in the garage and went
into the house.
Then she froze.
"G'day Mags! Guess who?" PJ grinned.
The end
thank you for persevering...
i probably wouldn't have...
so, do you have any idea what happened?
I don't...
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/televisioncity/stage/3282/members
geocities.com/televisioncity/stage/3282geocities.com/televisioncity/stage
geocities.com/televisioncity
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