"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 15
Gillian and Mateo had just gotten back to Ryan's room and as they entered, they saw Hayley perched on the stool Gillian had used and holding Ryan's hand. He was smiling weakly at her. Gillian swallowed and looked away, but said nothing. She had been holding Mateo's hand and it tightened involuntarily now. Mateo looked at her and gave her a reassuring smile.
I won't make a scene!, vowed Gillian to herself. I won't. Hayley is Ryan's friend and she has a right to be here if she wants and she's not hurting Ryan so I won't say anything!
Mateo cleared his throat and Hayley turned around to see the two other people. Her warm smile to a nervous one as she locked eyes with Gillian.
When the silence became unbearable, Hayley stood up,and after giving Ryan's hand a squeeze and him one last smile, she moved towards Mateo.
"Ready to go?" he asked her.
Hayley nodded her head and said, "I want to see Dixie first. She has an appointment here today and I thought we could get together and talk and I think Liza will be bringing Colby by later. Tell you what? Why don't I just meet you later at SOS?"
"Ok," Mateo shrugged casually.
Hayley turned to Gilian and said quietly. "I'm glad that you were there for Ryan, Gillian. He's looking fine and he's very lucky to have you to look after him now."
Gillian remained silent for a few minutes, but said, "Thank you for coming by to see him."
Hayley left the room then and Mateo commended Gilian. "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
"I'm sorry that I'm always being a witch, really. I need to get past this, Mateo. Please let me know about that meeting. I really want to go."
"Sure."
They turned to Ryan. Mateo hung in the backgroud as Gillian came over and saw that the plastic booth had long ago disappeared. She quickly came over and took hold of Ryan's hand as she leaned down and kissed his forehead.
"How are you, Mr. Lavery?" she chirped brightly.
"Good," he said, still tired, but he was smiling. He always would for Gillian. He looked over her and silently, he and Mateo awknowledged each other.
"Gilli, you got to get me out of here!" pleaded Ryan. "I hate this room and I want to go home!"
"Not yet," she answered. "You're doing much better, but it'll be another day at least. We want to make sure you are ok."
Ryan moaned in irriatation, but he knew she was right. "I just wish I had some of my own things here."
"Well," Gillian replied. "I could go to your apartment and get some things for you to make you more comfortable."
Ryan instantly cheered up. "That would be just great. Please don't forget my picture of you and me that you gave me on our anniversary, Baby."
She smiled. "I'll go right now and be back in just a little while."
"Ok, hurry back- 'cause I really miss you already, Princess."
Ryan's speech was already slurred again and she knew he would be asleep in a matter of moments. Looking down, she saw that he had closed his eyes. She kissed his lips with her own and released his hand and brushed his hair delicately with with her fingers. Getting up, she walked slowly back to Mateo and the two walked out together.
As they reached the end of the corridor, Myrtle was talking to one of the volunteers and she turned to Gillian when she saw her approach. Myrtle was a volunteer here, too and she had been working all day while waiting for news on Ryan.
Upon hearing that Gillian was going to get a few of Ryan's things from his place, she offered to cut her shift short and go with her, but Mateo surprised everyone when he said he would drive Gillian instead. Though surprised, Gillian agreed and the two were soon at Ryan's loft. The manager no longer gave Gillian any trouble about letting her in the place and even asked after Ryan's well being. Soon she had one of Ryan's bags open on the coffee table in the living room and was filling with pajamas and his shaving kit and extra clothes.
Mateo watched as she stuffed a half a dozen magazines and books inside. He thought that the possibility of Ryan reading all that material was unlikely, but said nothing. Gillian was obviously working out her energies like this and that was good therapy as far as he could see. He smothered a laugh as she brought his little tv from his bedroom and put it next to the bag.
"I'm sure he'll want his own towels," she said out loud to herself.
"Gillian, they'll give him some at the hospital." Mateo said gently.
"Those aren't going to be good enough- Ryan's particular." she replied, stuffing more and more items into the bag.
Mateo continued to watch as more and more clothes made their way over and pretty soon, another bag was needed.
Gillian had stopped with the clothes and was now saying that she wanted Ryan to have his own utensils because the hospital's weren't good ones and she put in a few glasses.
Mateo descided that he had seen enough! Gillian was gonna kill him by dumping all this stuff on him if he didn't stop. He came over and taking some of the things back from her, said,
"You know what, Gillian? I think he has enough here for now. We can always come back later for more. Why don't you go get that photo he asked for and then we can take all this stuff to him?"
She sighed and agreed. She went back to Ryan's room and over to the nightstand to get the photo and picking it up, she saw that there was a cardboard box next to the stand.
Curiousity got the best of her and knowing she shouldn't, she opened it up. Thinking that it was more books, she was about to pick some up and put it in Ryan's bag when she saw a tiny pink sleeper perched on top. Gillian felt like someone had taken a fist to her gut as she fell to her knees next to the box!
Involuntarily, she picked up the the sleeper as a single tear made it's way to just below her eye and hung suspended there. Janie. Ryan had gotten this for Janie! He must've put this here after...afterwards and forgotten about it.
Gillian herself had gotten some things and had given them to Myrtle to get rid of because she hadn't been able to look at them! She had some maternity clothes too, that she had been wearing and had never asked Myrtle what had become of all that stuff- she hadn't wanted to know...
She stared at the tiny garment in her hands as she imagined her Ryan trying to put it on Janie. Janie would be getting ready to crawl now, she realized. Crawling to her toys and to her mom and dad. Cooing and making those sweet baby sounds and laughing as her chin and tummy were tickled.
Gillian put the sleeper to her face and rubbed at her cheek and inhaled its scent. Oh, God, it had the sweetest smell! When had Ryan gotten this? She had never asked him how he had handled it after Janie was gone! Never knew if he had cried or if he had blocked it out and now she wanted to know! She wanted to go to him and hold him and ask him to hold her back!
Mateo had been wondering what was keeping Gillian and had come into the room thinking Gillian was loading more unwanted stuff to take when he saw her hugging a baby's dress.
Looking up, she saw Mateo and said, "I'm sorry. I was just leaving and...and..."
Mateo came over to her and crouched down next to her. "I was there when he got that and brought it to the club."
"Oh..."
"Gillian, I know you guys weren't together, but he really took it hard. The bottom just dropped out from under him."
"I know. I was afraid of what he would do when I told him I was pregnant. He once told me he never even wanted kids." she said quietly.
"I think he was afraid that he wouldn't be a good parent. Ryan didn't have the greatest role models, you know."
"Did he talk to you?" she asked. "Did he say he wanted Janie?"
"I think so. We don't talk much, but Hayley had that impression. He was excited about it in a scared kind of way. I think he was looking forward to being a daddy- you know giving his child what he never had? I think you guys would be good at for what it's worth."
"He wants to try again." Gillian said. "He wants us to try for another baby soon. But I don't know."
"Think about it." Mateo suggested." This may be something you guys could be wonderful at- that child would have lots of love from you both."
She smiled. "I have love to give- I just don't want Ryan to feel trapped."
"Gillian," Mateo said."Ryan wants to try with you. He wants you to be in his life- that's not a trap. Ryan never really talked about losing the baby, but you have to stop beating youself up about it. Try and be there for each other and let your sharing bring you back together. Ryan lost a baby, too. You two needed to grieve together and not alone with your sadness."
Gillian looked at Mateo. "I've been afraid to approach him about it."
"Start now. See someone if you have to, but talk to him. This isn't going to go away by itself. We'll help you, Hayley and I."
Gillian slowly put the sleeper back in the box and wiping away her tears, got up to leave the room and go to back to the hospital and back to Ryan....
end of part 15
to be continued....