"This Time Around"
By: gb
Chapter 2
Gillian made her way carefully down the stairs to the living room. Once there, her eyes immediately searched out and locked with the bright blue ones of Ryan’s. They did what they always did: spoke the words that Ryan and she couldn’t say.
“I love you.” Gillian’s deep brown eyes greeted him.
“I love you, Princess,” Ryan’s said in return.
Gillian stood a few feet away from him and smiled nervously. She resisted the impulse to reach out and throw his arms around him and kiss him, though desire was burning a hole in her that was almost too hard to contain.
Ryan’s heart beat so fast, he felt sure she could hear it like her own voice. Smiling easily though, he said, “Hello, Gillian.”
“Hello,” she answered back. “I guess you decided to show up after all.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
“I don’t know- maybe.” She admitted carefully. “I didn’t really know if you were serious or if you would decide you couldn’t go through with it.”
Ryan figured he had this coming. After all, he had been making a career out of backing away from her. He hadn’t wanted to and there had been no end to his pain when he had done it, but honestly, he hadn’t known any better and he loved her so much, he didn’t think he could bear it if he destroyed her somehow which he was convinced he would, given enough time. But Gilli hadn’t understood. She couldn’t see how two people who loved each other as much as they did could ruin that perfect love and Ryan had just not been able to explain what he knew he felt.
Then there had been that unfortunate incident of the indiscretion with Hayley. That had almost been the death knell: Gillian’s ex-husband and their best friend. There had just been the one kiss, but his princess had seen it and she was convinced that the reason Ryan could not be with her was that he wanted to be with Hayley. Oh, how she had sobbed over that one!
“Why couldn’t it be me and not Hayley?!” she had broken down in his arms. That had been when she had frozen him out tried to hate him out of her life. Her beautiful, sweet lips that once drowned him in ecstasy with their tender words of warm devotion and love and promises had suddenly turned arctic and accusing- unfeelingly hurling the most hateful remarks at him, each one feeling like a cold, white hot slap across his face to go with the actual one she delivered to him when he had told her not to let Mateo know.
But he had taken her shots; every one of them, telling Hayley that it would be best for Gillian if she DID hate him, though his friend didn’t believe it. Somehow, at first, he felt comfortable with it- knowing Gilli wouldn’t want to be with him anymore and he wouldn’t be able to hurt her, not comprehending at the time that, in fact, he already had done so more than he could even understand.
Then, she had turned to Jake and jealousy had burned a hole in his heart like acid. But, what could he do- he had been the jerk that had let her go and his pride had been so large, he thought there wasn’t room for both in the same room.
But even his pride had taken a back seat when he realized that nothing in his life made sense without Gillian and that one day, he would have to admit it to himself at least and stop running- stop doing jerky things just to show himself that he was no good. Then, he had run into Myrtle and she had made him see that though he had let far too much time go and decay had set in, he wanted to try and fix the damage with the Princess Andrassy…
Ryan swallowed and looked up at her now. She had always been such a beauty to him- such a CATCH and he was in awe of that prettiness. Dressed now in a simple light blue short sweater, black skirt, and those platforms she was always wearing, she still made his abs contract and his heart take a leap into his throat!
Just like the first time. He should’ve left her alone then, he knew. Just let her walk away as if she had never been there and he never would’ve been able to disturb her life like he had, but he had not been able to and his life had changed forever and nothing he knew before had mattered again.
He had kissed her then- within seconds of meeting her(after a fib on his part, of course, for which she had been livid afterwards!) and the taste of her warm, moist lips against his own had been like the sweetest candy to him and once he had had a sample, he had never stopped craving it. The memory of that fateful first meeting had been embedded in his heart and mind forever and that was just fine with him.
Truth was, Gillian just DID it for him. She was like a life-giving narcotic flowing through his veins that he needed to survive.
“Well, I was serious,” he said quietly. “And I didn’t change my mind.”
Gillian visibly relaxed and she and Ryan made their way out the door and outside. They reached the park a few minutes later.
“How is everything, Gillian?” he asked as they sat down on a bench near the lake to watch the ducks.
She looked at him, this tall, dangerously handsome man whose initial smooth- operator shallow charm, she discovered, fronted for a scared, scarred troubled young man who she believed wanted just to be held and told that everything was going to be ok.
“Fine, fine. That…” she started to reply.
After a few seconds, she said, “You know, Ryan, you act like we were neighbors talking about our yards- like we do this all the time when we’re what: a divorced couple who just can’t stay away from each other or hold meaningful conversations?”
“Gillian, look,” he tried. “I know I bailed on you and I pushed you to another man and believe me when I say it hurt me like hell to watch you go and I think I know how you felt-“
“Oh, you do, do you?” she interrupted him sternly. “You knew how I felt?” She was angry now nobody could push her the way Ryan could. “No, I don’t think so, Ryan. Let me TELL you how I felt.”
She got up and walked a few steps and then turned to face him.
He was struck by the intenseness of those eyes of hers. Liquid mocha- like hot chocolate on a cold winter’s day. But they were glazed over now with emotion.
I don’t think I’ll EVER love blue eyes again, he thought to himself as he stared at her.
“You left me, Ryan,” she began. “You lifted me so high I could touch heaven. Then you dropped me without a single warning and I fell so hard I bounced and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth why.”
“Whatever you know, Princess or whatever you think you know,” he started.
“What I KNOW,” she cut him off. “is that you dumped me because you wanted Hayley.”
“No.” he stated.
“Can you imagine what I was going through before I saw the truth? All those months of turning myself inside out trying to make myself perfect for you. Wondering what I was missing that you wanted. Turns out that nothing I ever could’ve done was gonna be what you wanted. Stupid me for holding on to my pipe dream ‘cause you were the first ever to make me feel precious and loved for some brief periods of time.”
Ryan felt like crying as her voice became quieter with each word. He knew she was fighting back her own tears and he wanted to take them away- wanted to see that wonderous smile that knocked him off his feet.
A duck wandered over to them and they watched him in silence- uncomfortable with each other again.
Looking down, she continued, “ No wonder you wanted as far from me as you could get. How awful it must’ve been for you having to have me sleep in your arms and sit in your lap. Having me chase you like a love-starved puppy, throwing myself at your face all the time. I put you in situations where you were embarrassed and uncomfortable and had to be nice to me even though I was just in the way. Even after we were divorced, I kept trying. My God! I’m sorry, my only excuse is that I love you and…I just couldn’t stay away.”
“I’m sorry, Gilli,” Ryan spoke now that she seemed alone. I made you feel this and all along, I could only ever love you. I was so happy you were mine! You were, to me, the most beautiful part of my life and I didn’t know what to do about it. I never loved before, but…I know what love is now- it’s what breaks your heart and you break mine whenever you turned to go; even when I’m the one who sends you away. When I hurt you, I hurt me. You’re a part of me, Baby. The BEST part of me. I’m sorry for a lot of things, Princess, but mostly, I’m sorry I made you cry.”
She looked at him now. As she went to sit on the bench again, she stumbled on her heel and his strong arms shot out to catch her.
“Easy,” he said just above a whisper.
“Guess I don’t make a very good damsel in distress.” She moved out of his grasp- too quickly to suit him. He loved touching her.
“Not that you ever had the time to notice much.” She said testily.
He flinched as if he’d been struck and she was instantly sorry she said it. But damn, she was still hurting and she had to keep her anger so she wouldn’t think about those arms of his that were around her a few moments ago.
“You humbled me with your love and generousness and I’ve never loved anyone except you, Princess,” he told her softly. “You’re my heartbeat and my forever and no matter what I tried or what I said or how long I waited, these feelings…they just never went away.
“Ryan, I’m seeing Jake now and I can’t just forget him.” She began, breathless at his words.
“You can’t possibly feel for him what you do for me,” he said knowingly. “But please, I just wanted you to know this because I couldn’t let you go on thinking I didn’t love you anymore. Loving you is the most natural part of me.”
Gillian mumbled that it was getting late and she was seeing Jake for dinner.
“Can I call you?” Ryan pressed, not wanting to talk about Jake anymore.
She thought a moment and then nodded with a small smile.
Together, they walked back to Myrtle’s, not touching-not yet- but soon, he promised.
An idea was already taking shape in his mind and his heart raced at the thoughts. It was really too bad for Jake, but well, he had seen Gillian first and married her and loved
her first and loved her like no one else could or would. Now, he just had to make her see it!….
End of part 2
(to be continued…)