"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 37
Hayley Santos came out of her AA meeting and saw Gillian walking with an armload of magazines to the end of the hallway. She hesitated for a moment then took a deep breath and approached her former friend. Gillian had heard Hayley's heels on the tile floor and looked up.
"Hi, Gillian." she said hopefully, clutching her purse to her chest.
Gillian stopped and regarded the other girl with a polite look.
"Hello, Hayley," she said. "How are you?"
"Wow!" Hayley was thrown off guard. "I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"I mean, I didn't think I would get this far. I was more expecting you to throw those magazines at me! But I'm fine, thanks."
Gillian nodded and was about to walk away, when Hayley said, "I wanted to say thanks for- you know- mentioning the club in your speech the other night."
"SOS did a great job. The hospital appreciates all the help." she answered simply.
"Yeah, well...it was our pleasure. Mateo says you're really enjoying working here."
Gillian nodded.
"Well, anytime you want to use the club, just let us know."
Hayley was uncomfortable now and she could see that Gillian was not in the mood to help her out.
"Look, Gillian, it's great that you and Mateo have become good friends- going to all those meetings and stuff." Hayley blurted out.
"Mateo is a wonderful, caring man," Gillian said. "You're very lucky to have him, Hayley."
Hayley didn't argue. "I was wondering, Gillian. Maybe...I...well, does it ...does it have to be awful between us all the time?"
Hayley spoke in a rush before she lost her nerve.
"Awful?" Gillian asked. Was she kidding?!
"Yeah. I mean, Ryan and I are still friends and you and Mateo are close..."
"How are Mateo and Ryan?" Gillian cut in pointedly.
Hayley remained silent. she honestly didn't know.
"Exactly, " said Gillian. "Hayley, there are some things you can't just erase just because it's inconvenient for you. I didn't create this situation."
"No, but you are prolonging it." Hayley felt she should point out. "Maybe we could just move on here, you know?"
Gillian took a deep breath. "Look...I guess I don't have to be so spiteful everytime we meet, but you and Ryan...I don't know what to say to you...what do you want me to do?"
"Get over it- like he got over your affair."
Hayley could have shot herself just then! Gillian's face turned pale and for the next few seconds, silence hung in the air between them like the coldest wind.
"I'm sorry- I forgot all about my big mouth," Hayley admitted quietly a few minutes later.
"But, Gillian, that was a LOT to get over."
Gillian swallowed, but somehow found her voice.
"Yes," she said quietly with as much dignity as she could get out of herself. "He forgave me."
You and Ryan could never understand my lonliness, she silently told Hayley. You were too busy bonding over yours.
"So, why can't you forgive us?" asked Hayley. "Why can't you let it go? You have Ryan back and you're happy."
Gillian smiled for the first time, but didn't respond.
"Maybe you like having this over Ryan..." Hayley suggested carefully which made Gillian's eyes snap to her.
"There's nothing to forgive anymore," she told her. "I'm through being angry- it doesn't make sense now. Whatever happened was a long time ago and all I want to think about is Ryan's and my future and I don't have the right to keep torturing him."
"Well, if you mean that..." Hayley tried, but Gillian cut her off. There were some things that she wanted to say anyway.
"You and I aren't 'best buds' anymore. I don't hate you, but I think if Mateo ever told you he had feelings for someone else, I think you'd understand even though you two aren't married anymore. Maybe one day, I can work past these feelings, but to start, I just don't want to think about it anymore. I'm not even in this equation- it's always been about you. Protecting you- your needs, your choices and whether you wanted Ryan or Mateo. I think that for awhile, I didn't even have the right to Ryan- it was all about Hayley. That's what hurt the most- not even having my husband for me.
"You want- and expect- to be forgiven. For what? Everybody from your father to my husband worships at your feet ready to do your bidding and panics if you break a fingernail. You feel you're entitled to Ryan for whatever you need because you're Hayley and you drink too much? Fine, tell me when and I'll step aside.
I can't pretend to know a thing about what this disease does to you- and it's obviously greater than anybody else's problems. You want forgiveness- ok, fine. I forgive you. I'm sorry I didn't realize and it took so long."
"But just so you know...I love Ryan with my whole heart. Please don't use him and hurt him or I will make you very sorry- because he's my whole life; whatever he is to you."
"I had no idea you resented me so much." Hayley said, astonished as she let Gillian's words sink into her head.
"From the first day Ryan saw you. You were everything that I wasn't. I wanted to be be everything like you, but now, I'm ok with what I got. I can't be you and that's fine with Ryan, but most of all, that's ok with me."
"I'm sorry," was all Hayley could say. "I guess I make a lousy friend."
"I've never been a friend- a good one, anyway, so I don't know." said Gillian.
"But you wanted me to be your friend, didn't you?" Hayley said in understanding .
"Yes. But, I don't think it's supposed to hurt this much to have one." pointed out Gillian.
"Oh, I don't know...a good stab in the heart works wonders." Hayley said in discust, more to herself.
"For who?" Gillian wanted to know. "Not for me. Hayley, I don't think I can make you understand what Ryan means to me- what he gave to me and how important what I gave to him came to mean. See...oh well, forget it. I have trouble with it myself."
"Try me," she said. "You love each other..."
Gillian sighed. Her english was never going to be able to explain her heart.
"My heart breaks slowly...a whole lot of times...I have too many broken heart pieces...can't hold them all." she tried, but it sounded strange even to her ears.
Hayley nodded, but Gillian abandoned it. She and Ryan had finally now understood- that was enough.
"I think you like having all sorts of problems around you so you can have everyone come to your rescue and make you feel good. " Gillian said, instead, looking right at her.
"Excuse me?" Hayley asked.
Gillian said unenthusiastically, "Remember that time I brought Mateo to your house secretly and we were all crowded around you offering all sorts of sympathy and your father yelled at me and made me feel terrible and thought his daughter was greatly disturbed from her rest by me?
Gillian went on dramatically, " I was only helping you because I thought I was doing the right thing for you and Mateo. That was what I thought being a friend was about even though you and Ryan hurt me. You loved the attention even when your father was mad because he wanted to have Ryan for his "Princess" to get you away from Mateo. There you were, in his big house, with everyone buzzing around you like bees, waiting on your every word. I'm sure you felt really special, Hayley with Mateo and Ryan makings such a fuss over you."
"My father always has his own agendas," Hayley admitted in discust. "I'm sorry I was in no shape to appreciate that."
She remembered she had actually given Ryan permission to go after Gillian when the princess had taken off after being yelled at by Adam.!
Hayley kept silent however, not wanting to give Gillian any more ammunition.
"Your father's agenda obviously didn't care about Ryan and me as long as 'precious Hayley' is doted on and comforted. That was the day I told Ryan I was through with him except for our daughter and I didn't see him much after that..." she remembered. "And pretty soon...never...did you two wonder about me?"
Hayley hadn't, she realized in shame. She'd made one brief inquiry and then became lost in her own turmoil and hadn't even thought about sharing Ryan with his wife. In fact, she didn't want to admit that she wanted Ryan around for her...wasn't that also when Dimitri had died?! God, what Gillian must have gone through alone!
Hayley's silence spoke volumes to Gillian.
"Thanks, 'friend', " said Gillian, sarcastically. "I'm sorry it's always so awful between us. Thanks for being part of my life."
She was about to walk away, but now said not unkindly, "You know, Hayley, you gave me some advise once about acting like a spoiled brat all the time. Now, let me give you that same talk. You have a lot in your life, though you drown yourself in problems because you don't want to deal with everyday life.
"You have a great husband who loves you and stands by you no matter how much misery you throw his way. He willingly gave up sole custody of his son and sent and sent him to live in another state with his ex-wife so you wouldn't have to deal with him. He always puts up with your 'wanting a drink' parts and takes whatever excuse you give him for it. He puts up with Ryan in your life even though you both hurt him because he loves you. You get every bit of everyone's attention that you so desperately crave and from all the men who constantly tell you how they'd love to love you and how real and beautiful you are- you have center stage every time. You have the eternal friendship of my husband who has slighted me on numerous occasions even though you could never love him like me. This whole town treats you like a princess. You have a father who loves you even though he interferes when you don't want- I never even had that for one moment. I know money isn't everything now, but you're hardly starving. Think about all of this the next time you think you're life is really bad."
Gillian took a deep breath, knowing she'd said way too much in her anguish. Hayley might actually be no different from her anyway.
"I'm sorry, Hayley. Mateo is friend and I know he really loves you- he always tells me that. I guess...I guess I am awful to you. I have a lot to work through, still. But my attitude will hurt Ryan and I don't want that to stand in our way. I hope you know...I'll always try...for him."
Gillian almost choked over the words, but she reminded herself that it was for Ryan and he had apologized over and over and she didn't want to be with her anger anymore- she wanted to be with her love for him. She would tell him the minute she saw him that she had no right to expect an apology for what was in Ryan's heart- how was he supposed to deny his emotions? Could she deny her love for him?! His ability to care was one of the reasons she adored him!
She couldn't wait to see him now!
"Thank you, Hayley." she told her.
"For what?" she asked, confused.
"For helping me see why I love Ryan- why I'll always love him!"
"You're welcome...I guess.?" she was thoroughly confused now...
end of part 37