"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 8
Ryan led Gillian to the back workroom where Mateo's office was and where they also stored supplies for the club. Ryan had used it as temporary place to sleep after he had moved out of his and Gillian's room at Myrtle's and before he moved into Liza's old loft with Scott after she left to marry Adam.
Once they were inside, he closed the door and motioned Gillian to a couch and sat opposite her and waited for her to start.
Gillian took a deep breath and looked at him and began quietly.
"Ryan, I had fun tonight, really, but I think that maybe we should spend some time apart and think."
"Why? I don't need to thing, Gilli. I know what I want and it's you." Ryan responded. "I know you still care for me."
"Yes," she admitted. "I always will. But so much has happened between us. We are not the same people who got married so that we could take each other's non existant money and so you wouldn't have to go to jail and I could get my greencard. Things are different now."
"You bet they are, Baby. We love each other. This time we are together because we have a deep commitment to each other and want to be with each other."
"Do we, Ryan?" Gillian asked doubtfully. "I don't know. We split because you didn't know what you wanted. I tried everything I could think of to make you stay, but you left anyway. I didn't think I would ever get through that."
She rose slowly and paced the room and looked at him every now and then as she spoke.
"When you left me, Ryan, my whole world came apart. I lost the only thing that mattered to me. I believed you when you said that you didn't know how to love anyone and that you wanted time to work things out. You had just gotten out of jail and you were so confused by what your brother did and I tried to stay far apart from you so you could think, but make no mistake, I was waiting for you. I just kept marking the days off the calandar and kept telling myself that you'd come around any day now, but you never did. I tried not to lose hope. I prayed with the lucky medal chain you gave me for my anniversary. You're all I prayed for- nothing else."
"I know I hurt you, Princess." Ryan came over to her and they stood by Mateo's desk which was covered with his bookkeeping materials. "I can only say I was sorry I did it. I was convinced I was bad news for you. I was ashamed that you knew what a pathetic background I came from! You, a princess of the royal court saddled with a low rent middle class rugrat whose parents didn't know how to stay sober and who made a career out of beating the hell out of their kids and each other for kicks!"
Gillian waited for him to continue.
"This same man grew up lying his way through life and makes a shabby living coning people and not caring about anything or anyone except himself and the all mighty dollar."
"I love you, Ryan. My love had no conditions. It just was. What I found out about you left me in pain for you,...but it didn't change my feelings for you...nothing could. What did you think I was gonna do?"
"I was ashamed, Princess. I wanted to give you so much after our christmas together and instead I gave you disgrace."
"You didn't disgrace me, Ryan," she told him, taking his hands in hers. "I was proud to be your wife and stand at your side. I bowed to you, remember? I was proud to be Mrs. Ryan Lavery- I still am even though I don't have you name anymore, really."
Ryan smiled. Nothing could make Gillian believe something she didn't want to and she believed him to be a good man even if he didn't thind so and to hell with everyone else.
"I wanted to talk to you, Princess. I wanted to share, but I just couldn't... I didn't know how."
he said.
"That's our problem, Ryan." Gillian returned. "We always made love to each other great, but we just never did get how to be a married couple- how to be a husband and wife."
"We can learn. Starting now and work our way back to each other." Ryan said confidentally.
"Why just because you want to?" she asked more sharply than she intended and withdrew her hands.
More softer, she said,
"It's not that simple anymore, Ryan. I mean I can't just do stuff when and if the mood strikes you. I'm a person and I have a life,too."
Ryan swallowed and tried not to show his hurt. There was something he had to know.
"Is this because of Jake?...Are you in love with him?" he asked in a worried tone.
Gillian sighed. "So now we get to the heart of what's bothering you. You want to know about your competition as you like to think of him. The great Ryan Lavery just can't stand the thought that someone else might be ahead of him no matter what race it is."
"I didn't mean it like that, honest." he told her. "But I just want to know how you feel about him. I care about you, Gilli. Whether you know it or not and I don't want him to hurt you."
"You took care of that before him." Gillian said.
An awkward silence followed.
"I'm sorry." Gillian tried to apologize. What was the matter with her tonight?!
"No don't." Ryan said quickly. "You obviously meant it. I guess Dr. Jake would never do that, huh?"
"No, he wouldn't. He cares about me."
"Oh, I'm sure." Ryan was sarcastic.
"He does," Gillian insisted. "He's always there for me. He puts me first, and he has been so patient through this whole thing with you. That's a gentleman. I saw him there tonight watching me with you and I felt so bad that I can't stop hurting him like this. I just can't get past you no matter what and that not fair to him."
"Fair to him?!" Ryan said angrily."What about me? He's really having the time of his life sticking it to me. I saw you first, Gilli."
"This isn't a game, baby," Gillian said in frustration. "It's life and you still can't get it. You think this is some big contest and I'm the prize. I care for Jake."
Ryan spoke back. "Do you know how crazy you make me when I see you with him. How much control I have to have not to put his lights out for good?!"
"Funny, but I don't remember you devoting much time to it while your lips were all over Hayley."
"Why is it always about Hayley with You?"
"Because it's always about Hayley with you," She told him matter of factly. Ever since she and Mateo moved into Wildwind with us. Hayley this, Hayley that. You never cared how your words of how terrific and real Hayley was and is make me feel worthless because you can't even put me anywhere near that praise."
"She and I are very close and I don't have to give up my friends just because my wife is insecure."
"Insecure?" she asked." Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you and Hayley don't have ANY feelings for each other. That there is no attraction whatsoever."
Ryan wanted to lie. He wanted to put this whole thing behind him and figure out how to get Gilli back. But looking in her eyes, he knew his lying days were over, at least with Gillian. He couldn't live with himself knowing he wasn't up front with her. Not anymore.
He shook his head. "No, I can't..."
Gillian's head dropped. Ryan watched in anguish as she raised it back up and the sadness in her eyes would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"I knew that, Ryan. I always just did. I don't know why you just couldn't be honest with me."
"I don't love her." Ryan defended himself. "I've never loved her. I only love you, I swear."
"What happens when one day you wake up and think that you need space because you're afraid of our love again. And you have to run over to Hayley because she's the only one you can share with because her mom treated her bad, too. What am I supposed to do each time you run away? Wait some more? You promised me at Christmas that time that you would never do that, but you did the first chance you got."
"I don't want to run anymore, Gillian." insisted Ryan. "I want to stay here with you. I'm trying really hard and I need you by my side. I won't say I'm not scared, but I want to be better. I want to learn to open up to you and make myself vulnerable to you."
" It's not that easy, Ryan," Gillian told him quietly. "So much has happened to us and I want more and I don't know if you'll want to give me that or if you even can."
"Well, what do you want?" Ryan asked her.
"Well, there you go. I don't think you even know. But, I'll tell you. I want you to put me first. I want you to love me with all that you have and give yourself to me. I want to give you my all and I don't want you to be afraid of my love- afraid to take it with both hands. I want you to share your whole life- your childhood, your dreams, your fears. I want to be your confidant not Hayley. I have no right ask you to give up your friendship with Hayley, but you should see that there are boundaries there and not because I want that from you, but because that's what you want. Love is always a risk, but so is life and the rewards are so worth it! I don't want to go to sleep at night wondering if tomorrow, you'll decide that you can't risk your loving me and go off after Hayley because of one of her millions of problems and because you think she'll understand more and deeper because she drinks too much and her mother treated her bad. I'm your wife, Ryan or at least I still want to be and I'll give you everything that I am. I just want the same from you."
She stopped and looked him straight in the eyes. Ryan never respected her more than he did right that moment. She was telling him that she was willing to walk away right then if he couldn't come through for her even though it would kill her!
He could only dream of her guts! He was petrified at giving so much of himself to her to wound him with but the thought of being without her was a nightmare that he could no longer face and he knew it! She was the one he couldn't walk away from and live to tell about! She was the very life that breathed in him!!
He paced the room and then faced her.
"You want my soul..." he comprehended to her.
"I think I deserve that if you want me." she said matter of factly without flinching.
She did, he knew.
"Can Jake give you these things?" he asked.
"He can and I believe him." she replied.
Maybe so, but there was still something that he knew about them that he didn't think she knew and he needed to show that to her now. He went over to her by the couch and wrapped his arms around her and smiled. She returned his gesture calmly.
"You know, Gillian, Jake's ok, but I know there is somthing that he can't give you no matter how much you pretend otherwise..."
He stopped talking and before she knew it, he pulled her to him and his mouth came down on hers quickly!
She was so stunned at first,that she couldn't respond. Then realization dawned on her and she tried to move out of his grasp, but he wasn't giving an inch! Slowly, she stopped fighting and began to respond against her better judgement and her breathing became hard!
"Oh, Ryan...my God, Ryan..." she gasped and her arms went around his and she threaded her fingers through his hair. How she loved his hair!
"Oh, yes Baby," he said, his voice thick with sensuality. "I know this is one thing you can only get from me. Tell me now that you woundn't sell your soul to the devil to have me continue..
He released her mouth and trailed kisses down her cheek and her neck, her skin on fire wherever he touched her. His hands caressed her body through her dress lovingly.
"This is what you wanted when we were dancing tonight, wasn't it- what you always wanted?"
"Yes..." she couldn't stop herself from saying now." Yes, I want you, my Prince Ryan...you are my life and you're the only one who can make me feel like this..."
He lowered her onto the couch and leaned back against the cushions with her, his lips returning to hers. His hands reached up to her shoulders and found the tiny shoestring strap of her dress and he began lowering it down her arms. When the dress was past her forearms, he stopped kissing her mouth and kissed her shoulder instead and she welcomed him urgently.
Time ceased to be for both and they were swept away on feelings that were at once familliar and unknown to them and both were eager to explore it together!
He looked down at her now, the taste of her skin still fresh on his mouth and asked," Can Jake give you that...Princess?"
She shook her head, shame making speech difficult.
"Do you want me to continue?"
"No, " she finally said. " But we have to and you know why. We have to have more than this. You proved it, Ryan. I want you more than anyone in my life. I always will."
"Then I've given you something to think about," he said as she straightened up her clothes.
Ryan couldn't stop staring at her. Her hair was loose from its clips and her face was flushed with desire and her lips were smeared with her lipstick(as was his) and were swollen with their passion. She never looked more beautiful to him as after their lovemaking.
She looked up at him. She had managed to pull his shirt loose from his trousers and one of the buttons had come undone. God, she was mad for him and they both knew it- she was no better than a teenager in the throws of first love!!!
Just then a knock came at the door and in walked Hayley.
She and Gillian stared at each other but did not speak- they had nothing to say to each other and never would. Hayley glanced over at Ryan. She saw from their disheaveled appearances that she had in fact interupted something quite intense, but refrained from commenting.
Embarrassed, she stammered, "I just came in to get our party planner book..."
"We were finished here, weren't we, Ryan?" Gillian said quickly getting up and making for the door.
"Yeah, we're done for now." he said and got up, too and went to the door with her.
Hayley watched as Gillian turned to him one more time before she left and said, "Ryan, I've given you something to think about, too."
He took her hands in his and they both smiled into each other's eyes.
"We'll never be finished, Princess," he said. "Not in a million years."
She could not help but kissing his cheek really quick before she had time to think about it and he rubbed lovingly at it as he watched her walk away out the door and back to the front of the club....
End of part 9
To be continued....