"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 11
Ryan surveyed his apartment in dismay through weary, bloodshot eyes. He had really let the place go over the last two days! His clothes were all over the place,including what he wore the last time he worked at SOS before he had taken some time off to think. At least, that's what he had told Hayley, but the truth was that he had come here to hide and generally wallow in his self pity.
What a terrific job you're doing here, he thought as he looked at the various papers, empty bottles, and other paraphanalia strewn all over at will. He went to his room and looked at his mirror at his bureau and scowled at the reflection. There was a two-day growth of stubble on his face now to go with the baggy eyes and pale skin that once had a mellow glow to it.
"Ryan," he said aloud to himself. "Take a look at yourself- buddy. You really give new meaning to the word 'loser'. Even if Gilli were to give you another chance, she'd change her mind as soon as she took one look at you."
Glumly, he wandered out to the livingroom/kitchen area of the place and over to the coffee table. He began picking up the bottles and paper in a sort of 'who cares?' manner. His heart wasn't in cleaning up; it was on Gillian. It was always on Gillian.
In frustration and lonliness, he tossed all the things down that he had picked up and sat down heavily on the sofa instead.
"Oh, Gillian," he spoke to himself. "What can I do to make you come back to me and make me whole again? I feel like nothing without you. My whole life has been useless, but there's one part of it that shines. One part that makes all the other miserable parts bearable. I never had anything until you. When I hold you, I am complete. When I look into your eyes, I'm fine and suddenly everything is ok and I don't remember the beatings and my parents and my awful childhood and all the hurt. You take away all the bad stuff. I only want you. Why couldn't I see these things when I had you? Why couldn't I tell you when I had the chance and you would listen to any words of love from me and jump some affection I had to give? You were asking me for the world, but really what you wanted was so little- why did it seem so impossible for me then? You waited and waited and now you have someone else and I must wait and pray that you will choose me and come back give me my sanity back. You have my soul, but you know what? I don't want it back, if it means I can't have you."
Slowly, he got up and began again to clean up his apartment. As he picked up an empty bottle, it slipped from his loose grip and fell to the floor in a loud clatter as shattered glass went everywhere!
"Damn!" he cursed as he bent down to pick up the pieces. Too late, one of the more larger ones went right through his the skin of his hand as he carelessly handled it. Dropping the piece like a bullet,he clutched his hand with his free one as he watched blood gushing out like a river and dropping in large amounts on the floor around him.
As he continued to watch, he remembered that he didn't have any bandaids or gauzepads or medicine here to clean himself up with and he rose and went back over to the couch.
Almost as if in a trance, he thought, "Gillian...Gillian will help me. She always helps me..."
Walking over and picking up the phone, leaving blood drops everywhere he went, he dialed his ex-wife, but got no answer. Not knowing whether it was her turn to volunteer at the hospital, he called but found that she was not there, either.
"Where are you, Princess?" he asked her to himself.
Wildwind. That's it, she's at Wildwind. I'll go over there, he thought and without another thought, he grabbed his carkeys and left his place as is and drove over to the large castle owned by Gillian's cousins and grandmother and where he and the princess had spent the first several months of their short married life.
Once there, Ryan was let inside the entryhall by one of the staff. If they noticed his shabby, bedraggled condition, they did not say a word.
"Nice to see you again, Mr. Ryan," said Peggy, Edmund's most valued housekeeper. "Mrs Gillian is not here, but I'll get the dutchess for you. Whatever happened to your hand?"
God bless Peggy! thought Ryan. She knew that Ryan and Gillian were legally divorced now, but damn if she was going to see Gillian as anything other than Ryan's wife! They were still married in her eyes...and heart. She had always pulled for them... it was almost as if she knew...
"Oh, nothing, " Ryan told her. "Just a cut."
Peggy looked at the large white, blood soaked towel Ryan was holding very worriedly, but decided only to offer, "Can we do something for it, then?"
"Oh, no. Thanks, I'll just have Gillian look at it later if I can."
Peggy smiled at how affectionatly she felt Ryan mentioned his wife and went off to get Eugenia for him. The dutchess, regal in her advanced age and snowy white hair, came downstairs and looked sternlly at Ryan. Ryan remembered his royal protocol and quickly went over and kissed her cheek and she smiled.
"What have you done to yourself?" she asked her grandson-in-law. "And what happened to your hand?"
"It's been a rough couple of days, Eugenia," Ryan admitted to her as they went to the living room. "I was just looking for Gillian. Have you seen her?"
Eugenia looked at Ryan. She had known from the beginning that no matter what they had said, Gillan and Ryan had a deep love for each other and both were devastated at their parting. She had held out hope the entire time that they would come to their senses and admit it to each other if nobody else, and they had for a time, but the trial and what followed were too much for their little hearts to take since the foundation of the love had been shaky at best. No one had been more deeply sorry for them at the loss of their baby than Eugenia and she, hopeless romantic that she was, wished with all her heart that another one would soon be on the way.
She had never pushed Gillian after the divorce to reconcile with Ryan, whom she adored like her own son, but she had made her opinion on the whole thing very clear, even how silly it was that two people who loved each other as much as they did should spend even a minute apart. She had made no judgements on the Hayley matter, but had frowned at Ryan for a long time afterwards.
Ryan looked uneasily at Eugenia as she said, "Not so easy, this singles life that you have now, is it?"
"I guess not. But some things just happen sometimes." he told her. "I'm sorry I hurt Gillian."
"I believe you, Ryan, but make no mistake, you did give her more pain than anyone ever did. I never spoke to you about it because I thought it was none of my business, but I think you killed her soul- that's how much in love with you she is and I think you know that."
"I do," he said sadly. "I never mean to,but I swear I want to make it up to her. I want her back...I love her- I never stopped."
Eugenia seemed to be cosnidering his remark but it was hard to tell what she was thinking with that poker face she wore. Ryan had come to love her like a mother, sort of and had kept in touch with her even after he and Gillian split- even frequently sending her the romance books that she loved! He knew he shouldn't be encouraging her compulsion for lovestories(especially since she had always believed Ryan and Gillian were like that,too)but he couldn't help it- she made him want to believe it in spite of himself.
"Ryan, we must get your hand fixed, you could get an infection." she told him, finally.
"That's why I came over- I thought maybe Gillian was here and maybe she could fix me up like she always does."
"Ryan, you and Gillian aren't together anymore. She has life, too. I thought you didn't want her fussing after you. You said-how did you put it- 'you wanted space to think and Gillian shouldn't hold her breath.'. Now you want her to fix you up, which is it, my boy?"
He had that coming, he knew. Eugenia was no fool. She loved Ryan and hardily approved of him for her granddaughter, but she was no pushover! Ryan would have to prove himself to her and she wasn't about to let him hurt Gilli again!
Ryan cleared his throat. "I know what I said, " he told her quietly. "But I can't make myself believe that anymore. I can't keep pretending I don't want or need her. She's my Princess, Eugenia. She's the only thing in my life that's worth a damn! I have nothing anyone would want...except Gilli's sweet love. Please believe me, I'm so sorry I didn't know that before. Please help me get her back."
Eugenia nodded. "She isn't here, Ryan. Have you tried at the hospital?"
"Yeah, and she's not at Myrtle's either."
"Maybe she's with Jake." suggested Eugenia carefully. "She spends alot of time with him."
"Yeah, I noticed..."
"Did you? I didn't realized you cared. After all, you were the one who gave them your blessings."
"Yes, guilty on all counts. I guess it's not fare to change my mind now, but I did..." he said quietly, looking at her pleadingly. "Jake's alright, you know."
"Yes, he's a good man. He would never hurt my dear Gillian. She could have a comfortable life with him, Ryan. A good life."
"Yes, he would..." Ryan said.
"And Jake cares for her, I think he even loves her..."
Ryan agreed. "I can't argue with that...but I don't think I can let him have her. I don't think I could..."
Eugenia smiled. "I know you couldn't and I think that despite everything, Gillian would be better off with you. You see, when she's with you, she's alive with spirit and there's a fire that burns between you two that's just not there with her and any other man, even Jake, nice as he is to her. She needs that passion and so do you. That's what keeps us going, what gives us the memories that take us through to our old age- it gives us a reason to go through our days and wake up and take part in life. That's the desire you two share and I want that for Gillian. You're just fooling yourselves if you think you can live without that. Waking up each day in each other's arms and making love with your souls entwined...that's worth fighting for, Ryan. Don't ever forget that feeling."
Ryan smiled. "I won't."
"I just wonder where she is," Eugenia mused.
"I don't know. I guess I'll go back to my place and wait for her call. She told me last time we talked that she would call me in a few days."
"What about your hand? You can't risk infection. You could get seriously sick, Ryan." she reminded him.
"No," he said, kissing her cheek before he left."Gillian always takes care of me. I want to wait for her. I'll be alright."
He knew he was being stubborn, but the thought of someone else tending after him was disturbing him and he wanted to go back to the apartment and wait for Gillian.
"Clean yourself up, then," she told him. "You're my handsome grandson-in-law. A member of the Merick royal house. We must be proud of it."
"Yes, ma'm," he said and left quietly and she smiled as she watched him go.
"Oh, Gillian," she said aloud. "Give him another chance. He loves you so and he needs you more than anything and he'll take care of you this time and you might just be what saves him from himself..."
Ryan was back at his aparment now and sitting by himself as time dragged by and his hand throbbed with soreness, he waited and waited for Gillian's call, but it never came?"
"Where are you, Baby?..." he asked wearily as sleep was threatening to take over. "I need you. Please call me..."
He never bothered to clean up the broken glass and didn't even seem to notice it anymore, his mind full of Gillian.
Day turned to evening and evening turned into night and Ryan refused to move from his spot. His hand openly pained now as he fell into a sleep was heavy and full of nightmares of living alone and hurt. The night hours were filled with all kinds of scary visions for him and his sleep and by next morning, he was covered with sweat as he drifted in and out of consciousness...
"Gillian," he called out weekly. "Gillian, please help me..." he said deleriously.
She seemed to be standing there before him, extending out her arms in a white filmy image.
"Ryan, come here...Baby," she said and smiled. "I want to say goodbye."
"No," he pleaded."I need you. Please stay and love me again."
"I can't," she laughed. "You left me. I have Jake now. I don't need you anymore."
"Please...Please don't leave me. You're all I have. I love you, Princess. Don't go."
"I have to. I have to go away forever..."
The image seemed to fade and he tried to reach out to her to stop her, but she disappeared and then he fell over and into a black hole so deep and so dark, that he didn't think he could breath. Heat threatened to engulf him as unconsciousness took him over... and he lay motionless in agony... on the living room floor among the glass shards...
end of part 11
To be continued...