Xander bolted upright as his latest Faith dream faded into a sweet memory. “God damn,” he mumbled crabbily. He rolled over and punched the pillow that had been pressed to his thigh. “Am I ever going to forget about her?”

It had been nearly a year since they had last seen Faith. Rumor had it that she was back in Boston, trying to resurrect her old life. It probably wasn’t rumor since the information had come from Cordelia, and as laughable as the idea of Cordy passing along truth instead of just gossip was, she was more than likely correct. Angel and Faith still communicated, as Angel had managed to strike a chord in Faith, formed a bond that Faith had never had and reluctantly admitted she needed.

So, she was in Boston. On the opposite side of the country. And as far as Xander was concerned, she couldn’t be more untouchable if she were buried six feet under.

He sighed, rolling over and staring at his clock. Three freaking am. He should still be asleep, wrapped up in dreams of Faith. Instead he was awake, pondering the futility of his life without them.

Xander finally swung his legs out of bed. He wasn’t going to get back to sleep any time soon, this he knew from experience. So he padded out into the living room and turned on the TV, hoping to distract his overactive memory from the one of the brunette who had managed to enrapture him completely.

Xander looked around at the small apartment. It wasn’t much, but he was proud to say it was his. *Well, and Oz’s,* he amended silently. He grinned slightly as he recalled the day Oz came back to town for good. He’d been surprised to learn that Willow had left, had been called to England to work with the Watcher’s Council. He’d only been mildly disappointed, as a full six months without her had loosened the grip she held on his subconscious.

Without Willow to come between them, the two men had actually hit it off. So when Xander expressed his desire to leave the festering hellhole he lovingly called his home, Oz had suggested the two move in together. It had come as a surprise to learn that Oz, so quiet, unassuming, and modest, was actually from a quite wealthy family. His trust fund was more than adequate to cover half the rent and bills, while Xander managed to work enough odd jobs to put together the money for the rest of the rent. Both of them were satisfied with the arrangement and were pleased to find that they were great roommates. It made Xander curse the day he’d ever kissed Willow, knowing that the truth might have come a lot sooner if he hadn’t destroyed Oz’s trust in him.

The TV was full of snow, a result of only having the basic stations that were all shut off at three in the morning. Xander grabbed the remote and intended to hit the power button, but instead hit the play button for the VCR. To his mild shock, a porn illuminated the screen. Xander assumed it was Oz’s because it wasn’t his, and he snickered for a minute as he imagined his quiet friend getting a secret thrill from the erotic images. He focused on the two people on the screen, a brunette women and a guy with pitch-black hair.

Xander’s mind drifted as he replaced the two actors who were screaming their way to fake orgasms, with an image of Faith and himself. He closed his eyes and began to breathe shallowly, envisioning Faith riding him hard, much as she had done the first time they’d been together. Xander reached down, sliding his hand inside his boxers, intending to relieve himself of the painful erection his mind had helped to create.

He was on the verge of satisfaction when he heard a noise coming from Oz’s room, and he sat up quickly, fumbling for the remote and clicking the porn off, laying down on his side on the couch and throwing a blanket over himself. He was sure Oz would understand, but the two had a tacit agreement-neither was to make their sexual encounters, whether solitary or with two players, evident to the other. They’d done pretty well so far.

Oz walked into the living room, investigating the noises he’d heard as he woke from a restless sleep. He saw Xander on the couch, trying to appear calm, but Oz wasn’t fooled. He could detect the harsh rise and fall of Xander’s shoulders as he tried to slow his breathing, could see the glazed look in his eyes, and Oz knew Xander’d found the porn he’d accidentally left in the VCR.

“Had another Faith dream tonight, didn’t you?” Oz asked as he sat down in the overstuffed chair. He eyed his roommate.

Xander sat up with a gasp, uncaring that his raging hard-on was evident as the blanket fell away. “How do you know about Faith?” he demanded to know, not bothering to deny Oz’s inferences.

Oz shrugged. “Heard you call her name out in your sleep a couple times last week. I didn’t hear a name tonight, but I assumed that was the problem.”

Xander grinned sheepishly. “Yeah, Faith made an appearance tonight.”

“Ahh.” Oz fell silent, as was customary. It took him a few minutes before he formed his next question. “How long have you had a thing for her?”

Xander chuckled ruefully. “With Faith? Basically from the day she strutted into town, with her stories about naked alligator wrestling. There has never been a time when I didn’t want her, although I had to hide it pretty well when I was with Cordy. When she turned evil, I was sick with disappointment.” He quieted for a moment, becoming pensive. “I always thought, fantasized I guess would be a more appropriate word, that it would be me who would lead Faith back to our side. I guess Angel was destined to lead a charmed life, because he’s the one who has the power over the women I love.”

“Love?” Oz queried, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, maybe love is a strong word,” Xander conceded. “But, well, look at the facts. I thought I was in love with Buffy. Sometimes I still think I am, even though she’s been gone for months, and even before that we weren’t really in a loving place. But I could never get through to her, could never get her to feel anything for me, because she always had Angel. Angel was her savior. He was the monster, the lover, the innocent, the saint, but he was always first in her heart, no matter what he said or did that hurt her.

“And then there was Faith. He had this power over her, could get her to feel anything, do anything, he wanted. Of course he played the good guy, trying to lead her back to the true nature of a Slayer, instead of twisting her mind any way he wanted. But she listened to him, respected him.

“It was sad, but it was incredible. He inspired so much love and devotion out of two extraordinary women, both of whom I care about deeply in one way or another. I wouldn’t say I love either of them, but I wanted the opportunity to try, I wanted the opportunity to be first in their eyes, in their hearts, and not him.”

Xander sighed and finished his monologue, waiting to see what Oz had to say. It wasn’t often that Oz seemed receptive to listening to Xander pour his heart out. Though he was a good friend and was never disinterested in the things Xander had to say, Xander knew his place and didn’t try and press Oz for more than he was willing to give.

Oz sat pensively for a few moments before he finally spoke. “We know Faith is in Boston, right?” he asked rhetorically, though he waited for Xander to nod his agreement. “Why don’t you go see her?” he suggested noncommittally.

Xander raised his eyebrows. “See her?” he echoed.

Oz nodded. “Go see her. I’ll give you a ticket to Boston if you’ll just go see her, work this out, try and find what it is you’re looking for.”

Xander sat back in bewilderment. “But, how?” he wondered aloud.

Oz got up and grabbed the phone, then tossed it to Xander. “Call Angel. See if he has her address. Go find her.” He gave Xander one of his quirky half-smiles and headed back for his room, satisfied that maybe the dreams that were tormenting his friend would come to an end.

Xander quickly punched in the digits to Angel’s apartment in L.A., hoping that the early morning hour wouldn’t be a problem for the vampire. When Angel answered, Xander explained Oz’s offer. Angel was more than willing to help Xander, so not only did he give Xander Faith’s address, but her phone number as well. Xander thanked Angel profusely and hung up.

Too nervous and excited to even think about going back to sleep, Xander went into his room to pack.