“Willow, I’m so glad to see you,” he says sincerely, and it pains me to see how much he adores me.
“We have to talk,” I begin hesitantly. I don’t want to do this. But I have to. I take a deep breath and walk into his living room. “Oz, I want you to know that I adore you and I am so glad that I’ve been able to spend so much time with you.”
Oz’s face falls. There’s too much that hints at the word ‘but’ coming along at the end of that sentence. “But?” he says, adding it for me.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about Xander’s and my indiscretions lately,” I confess. “And I’ve come to realize that no matter how much I care about you, I can’t be a good girlfriend to you. I don’t want to stay with you out of guilt because I cheated, or because it’s the good and proper thing to do. If I stay with you because I feel I have to, and not because I wholeheartedly want to, then I’ll come to resent you and we won’t even be able to stay friends,” I blurt out in a rush. “So, I guess what I’m saying is that I have to break up with you.”
Oz grimaces slightly, and I know that’s the only indication I’ll get of how I’ve hurt him. “Why?” he asks quietly. “I know you’ve said that you can’t be a real girlfriend to me, but is it truly because you don’t want to be with me, or you feel guilty staying with me when you’ve cheated on me, or what?”
I can lie to him. I can tell him that I don’t feel like I deserve him, that he deserves someone who won’t cheat on him. But he’ll find out about Xander and me. It’s not like we’ll be able to hide it from him. And if I lie to him now, he’ll never trust me again. So, I opt for the truth and try to make it as painless as possible. “Oz, I allowed Xander to kiss me. I didn’t stop it. I even initiated a few of them. Oz, the truth is that I love Xander. I always have. You’ve always known it, too. He came to me yesterday and begged me to give him another chance. And I’ve decided that I’m going to. He and I belong together, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t go to him. Oz, I’m so sorry that I have to do this, but I do. I can’t willingly give Xander up, push him from my life. I need him as much as I need water or air or food. Please forgive me for doing this to you,” I plead futilely. I know that a salvaged friendship is a lost cause when I see his eyes harden.
“Willow, I know that you love him. But to cheat on me with him, then promise me it’s over, and then turn around and break my heart again by telling me you’re going back to him, that’s just cruel. You’re not the same girl I fell in love with. Yes, I can forgive you for being in love with him, since as you said I’ve known all along, but I can’t forgive you for hurting me twice. I forgave you for cheating. I can’t forgive you for letting me believe I was your number one guy and then shooting me down again. So, Willow, I hope you have a nice life, but I don’t intend to be a part of it,” he snaps harshly. I feel tears prick my eyelids, but I won’t cry. I’ve made my decision, and my decision is to go to the man that I’ve loved since I was a child.
“I’m sorry, Oz, that you feel that way. But I can’t reject him. I can’t stay with you and push him from my life just to make sure you don’t get hurt. I’m sorry I can’t be the girl you need me to be. But that doesn’t change my mind,” I announce firmly. I go to the door and open it, then walk through it and close the door behind me, and between Oz and me, for the last time.
On the walk home, Buffy’s and Cordelia’s words echo in my mind. And though I know that I’ve made the right decision, being forced to hurt Oz is one of the things that hurts me most. I never pictured other people when I thought of the time when Xander and I would finally be together. I feel sorry for Cordy, whom Xander and I have hurt terribly, and wish things could have been different. If she hadn’t felt so much for Xander, then it would have been different. But she was victim to him as I was, and she is one of the rare few that can truly understand the magic of Xander Harris, what it is about him that draws a person in and makes him a part of you. I vow to try and become a real friend to Cordelia, if she can ever get past the fact that I stole her boyfriend, the first guy she ever really loved.
I cry inside for Oz, the first guy to ever make me feel like I was someone special. He did something for me that no guy, not even Xander, had ever taken the time to do. I’ll miss him terribly, and there will be many times that I’ll be tempted to run to his arms and beg him to forgive me. However, there will always be Xander there to remind me why I gave Oz up. And no matter how much it hurts me to do that to Oz, I’ll never regret that I gave up one man to love another.
I eagerly anticipate Xander’s reaction when I tell him that I’ve made my choice and I’ve chosen him. I don’t doubt that he truly loves me, for I looked into his eyes last night and saw the truth. And I don’t doubt that he wants to be with me. But there’s that little twinge of apprehension. Things have never gone really well for me in the guy department. Oz was the first experience I ever really had with romance. What if Xander changes his mind? What if things don’t work out the way we want them to? Will I be able to get on with my life when my heart has been destroyed? I don’t know, but I know if I don’t try then I’ll always be dead inside. I hurry my steps, eager to get to Xander’s house. I have to tell him now. I need him, and I need him to reassure me that he still wants me. The sidewalk flies underneath me, and soon I’m standing on his doorstep. I ring the bell, step back, and wait for the door to open.