Buffy the Magazine: First of all, I'd like to extend my magazine's sincerest condolences to you on the loss of your brother, Tector.
Lyle Gorch: Yeah, that was real sad. I mean, a stake, you know, that's the risk you take, but chomped by a big mama egg-maker, that's downright embarrassing. I still feel lower than a snake's belly about all that. He was the only kin I had. Hell, if I knew he was gonna die, I wouldn't have killed Ma.

BTM: And on the death of your wife.
Lyle: Yeah. I've got some big-time avenging to do. Candy was just too good for this unlife. I used to say to her, "Baby, it's a good thing that your name is Candy 'cause you're so sweet." Get it? 'Cause, y'know, candy's sweet. I thought that up myself.

BTM: Was it more difficult to lose your brother to the tentacles of the Bezoar, or to see your wife dusted by a slayer?
Lyle: Oh, I don't know. Reckon I got about equally lit for each of them. See, that's a question you just can't answer, 'cause with Tector I miss the rasslin' and with Candy I miss the lovin'. Or maybe it was the other way around...

BTM: Have you ever felt like you just need a good cry?
Lyle: You implyin' it ain't manly? Nothin' wrong with a man expressin' his emotionality. Rosie Grier taught us all that back in the '70s. Crap on a cracker, boy, you're a brave soul to ask something like that. Wanna try it again?

BTM: Nope. What do you miss most about being human?
Lyle: Riding into the sunset, high noon shootouts--it's just not the same at midnight. I also used to like those afternoon ice cream socials. And pie socials, cake socials...pretty much anything social.

BTM: Where are you from originally?
Lyle: A lot of people are surprised to find out I'm from Massachusetts.

BTM: Really?
Lyle: Of course not. I'm just joshing you there. Like every right-thinking person, I'm from Texas. Texas born, bred, dead and bled. And though the bumper sticker may warn against it, I've done my share of messin' with that state.

BTM: Did you and Tector become vampires at the same time? Can you tell us about the circumstances surrounding your, er, change?
Lyle: We were layin' low at the time, resting out dogs in Diddler's Gluch, Arizona. The locals hired this gunslinger from down Mexico way to clean us out. Now, we're lined up, ready for a proper shootout, but before I can even draw my guns, this fella's snapped to my neck like a flea to a dog. Reckon he fell in with some Pueblo vampires on his way into town. Anyhow, Tector was feeling slighted, so I made him, we drained the locals and we were all on our way. We pulled a few jobs with that gunslinger, but it weren't long before we had to dust him for snoring too loud.

BTM: What was it like growing up with Tector? Do you have any fond memories of your youth that you wouldn't mind sharing with our readers?
Lyle: Yeah, okay. I remember this thing we used to do where we'd flood gopher holes with kerosene and light it. Fire would come shooting up outta all the holes, along with hot chunks of well-done gopher.

BTM: That sounds awful.
Lyle: Only if you ran outta steak sauce. Anyway, that was before we, you know, crossed over, but I think even then we showed promise. You know, you're real lucky if your job turns out to be something you love doing anyway.

BTM: What was it like massacring an entire Mexican village?
Lyle: Pretty much like massacring a village in the US, except the signs were all in Spanish-talk, so you never knew if you were going into the right bathroom or not.

BTM: Did blood taste different in the Old West?
Lyle: Hmm. That's a good question. I like that. Yeah, in fact, it did, a little. Nowadays everyone's all innoculated, lots less little critters in the bloodstream--it's lost some of it's zip.

BTM: You and your late brother have the same names as two characters in the classic Sam Peckinpath film The Wild Bunch. Is that just a coicidence?
Lyle: Well, the way I see it, there's two ways how come that could be. Either the movie was made about us and what we did when we was still alive and kicking. Or we stole the names to make us sound important. One of them's a realy glamorous answer. The other's kind of pathetic. Which one you think I'm gonna say, boy?

BTM: Oh. So what did you think of Warren Oates' performance?
Lyle: I been to the drive-in a bunch of times to see that movie. But I always brought a date with me, so I was pretty busy, as I'm sure you can imagine. I ain't seen it yet, myself.

BTM: Then maybe you don't know that when it came out, its graphic violence shocked many people. How do you feel about graphic violence in films?
Lyle: Well, you have to be careful. I mean, a steady stream of blood just ain't right. It's gotta pulse out with every heartbeat until the victim's dead or I just can't buy the whole thing.

BTM: There's a kid in Sunnydale, Xander Harris, who calls country music "the music of pain." How do you feel about country music?
Lyle: A buddy of mine once said that it's like Journey with cowboy hats these days. Some of it gives me the willies, but I do love a lot of it, especially the older stuff. Hank Williams could tear your heart out--that man shoulda been one of us.

BTM: Do you think Garth Brooks is a sell-out?
Lyle: Isn't he that dude who flies all over the place on cables and has a microphone growin' right out of his head? That guy gives me the willies, but I ain't gonna say a word against the man as long as he keeps drawing huge crowds into parks late at night. I do like that Randy Travis fella, though. Anyone killed him yet?

BTM: Got a favorite NASCAR driver?
Lyle: I don't know his name, but he's the fella who rides for Castrol Syntec. That oil's something else. Finds harmful particles, blasts 'em clean out. If you care for your car, there's really no excuse for usin' anything else.

BTM: How did you meet Candy?
Lyle: She was tending bar in Amarillo. I was feeling pretty low, you know, because of Tector. Me and her got to talking. I wasn't even trying to pick her up or nothing, just really talking to her, real honest-like. And she was listening to me. She cared about what I was going through. I never felt that before. It was this real strong connection between us. I knew right then I had to suck her life's blood out of her and make her Mrs. Lyle Gorch.

BTM: Were you drinking Red Eye or Rotgut, like he cowboys in the movies?
Lyle: I like me a nice Mimosa. Also, everyone thinks we all like Bloody Marys and that just ain't so. I mean, unless you start with a real Mary.

BTM: Can you tell us what exactly Red Eye is, and why do cowboys always want to drink it out of a dirty glass? It's unhealthy.
Lyle: I've sucked the juice out of all sorts of eyes, not just the red ones. What's this dirty glass you're talkin' about?

BTM: Did you and Candy have a big church wedding?
Lyle: Candy tried to plan a big, fancy church wedding, but all the crosses made it difficult. Besdies, we sure as hell couldn't agree on a pattern for the napkins. We finally couldn't wait any longer to consummate our love, so's we just woke up a judge, grabbed hold of his ears and dragged him out to his pool shed for the ceremony.

BTM: Are you into blondes or brunettes?
Lyle: For dating or eating? You've got to be real specific on things like that.

BTM: For dating.
Lyle: Blondes. You know who I like? That Heather Locklear. She's a tight little bale of hay.

BTM: Did you know that the brunette "Slayer" who chased you off after your wife was dusted during Slayerfest '98 isn't even a Slayer? Her name is Cordelia, and she's a former May Queen, but that's it.
Lyle: Oh. Well, see, I knew that. That's why I let her live. Yeah, that's it. I wasn't hungry, and I wouldn't want to lower myself to fight a non-Slayer. See, I'm particular. Besdies, this world needs more May queens, don't it? I mean, who else is gonna tend to all those May poles? And she didn't chase me off. See, as soon as i saw her, I knew she wasn't no Slayer, so I was running off to look for the other one.

BTM: Cordelia called you a "redneck moron." Does that hurt?
Lyle: Damn! Would you look at that? I got cow poop all over my boots! Oh, wait...no, it's only dog poop. What was the question again?

BTM: Does being called a redneck moron offend you?
Lyle: Of course not. I'm not a redneck moron. Redneck refers to an abundance of sun exposure.

BTM: She also asked if you have a dress that goes with that hat. Do you?
Lyle: That's blasphemy, boy. I ain't never worn no dress in all my days. Well, not unless you consider a petticoat to be a dress, which it ain't.

BTM: What's with this whole western theme? Why don't you enter the nineties and get some new threads?
Lyle: Clearly you've never seen a little movie called 8 1/2 Seconds. I got two words for you: Ya-Hoo!

BTM: Have you got spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle as you go riding merrily along?
Lyle: Sure, I guess...What the hell are you talkin' about with all your fancy blue-nose city terms?

BTM: Doesn't the noise make it difficult to sneak up on people?
Lyle: Don't need to sneak up when you got spurs. Faster than fangs, if you land your kick correctly. Course, spurs tend to let out a lot of blood all at once, so it's best to lay down a tarp if you're indoors.

BTM: You seem like a real cowboy. Does that mean you ride a horse?
Lyle: Sure. I tried it the other way 'round and nearly broke my back. That's a joke, son. Yep, I do ride. I call her Horse #17. It's best not to get too attached, with real names and all.

BTM: Do you ever, you know, snack on it? Those big necks must be tempting.
Lyle: That's why it's best not to get too attached. Gotta tell you, though, them horses necks are some tough, thick things. My fangs ain't usually long enough, so I need to use a straw or a gravy baster or something.

BTM: How do you know Angelus? You seemed to be pretty familar with him when you saw him back in Sunnydale.
Lyle: Oh, we go way back. He saw me and Tector as kinda like mentors to him. We showed him some tricks of the trade, helped him settle into life in America, that kind of thing.

BTM: Really? He seems much more...confident than that.
Lyle: No way. The kid's a marshmallow. He never did grow into a real strong vampire like me and my brother.

BTM: I'm a little surprised by that analysis. Maybe we should get Buffy's opinion on that--
Lyle: The Slayer's here? Um, I gotta go. Places to go, people to bite...