She Has Nice Silk Knickers, Too
By Ragna

May Tom Petty rot in hell. How'd he get so filthy stinking famous by writing songs like...well, like this? Take a listen, mate. I mean, who'd pay money to listen to dribble like this?

// Oh, we got another one, just like the other ones
Another bad ass, another trouble-maker
I'm scared, ain't you boys scared? \\

Not a bad beginning, right? Simple little ditty, there's another bad ass in town, la-di-bloody-da. I know what you're thinking; sounds a bit like me when I arrived in this little hellhole, Sunnyhell, home of the Hellmouth. But you know what? I was *the* bad ass, *the* trouble maker.

And then Angelus had to take over the poofsters body and my life went straight down to the brink of hell. Making that deal with the Slayer didn't help much, either.

No, wait...listen to this next verse.

// I wonder if he's gonna show us what bad is?
Boys, we got a man with a dog collar on
You think we oughta throw ol' Spike a bone? \\

See? See? Now you're gonna say this is all true, that this is what the Slayer does to Spikey here. Well, bugger off. I'm not a man with a dog collar on unless I decide to put one on and go to one of those S & M places or something or other.

Anyway, she thinks I'm just a neutered little puppy. The big bad Slayer doesn't think I have any stones, and that she has to throw me a bone. Oh, look...made a rhyme.

// Here's another misfit, another Jimmy Dean
Bet he's got a motorbike,
What'a y'all think? \\

Bloody hell, no, I don't have a motorbike! I have a De Soto. You've seen it...blacked out windows, filled with alcohol bottles, keeps getting dented from running into that blasted welcome sign. Why won't they just learn to take that hideous thing down?

And I'm not a misfit, not anymore than that Slayer. She isn't like the Chinese bird I got in the Boxer Rebellion, or that afro'ed freak I got back in the 70's or 80's. She thought I was a Billy Idol worshiping freak, that bloody...bloody...

But this Slayer. She has family. She has friends. She has nice silk knickers, too.

// Bet if we be good we'll get a ride on it
If he ain't too mad about the future -- \\

What do you mean, how do I know she's got silk knickers? I've stolen a pair or two. Tracking her scent and all that. Not a better scent to track than the one from that region, know what I mean?

Course not, you're not a vampire. It's the primalest of scent. Well, now primalest is a word, mate. Cuz I said so. Anyway, it's the primalest of scents. You can use all the deodorant in the world and drown yourself under a hundred bloody showers but when a woman gets aroused...easiest scent in the world to attract.

// Maybe we oughta help him see
The future ain't what it used to be \\

Attract our kind, mate. And her scent's different from the others.

Of *course* the underwear's not clean! Well, some of it, anyway. Think she'll always smell like Mountain Fresh Tide with a bit of Downy Fabric Softener and a Bounce Gentle Breeze dryer sheet thrown into the mix?

Yeah, I have more of it at home. and you can't have any. It's mine. So there. Well, she's *my* Slayer, *my* mortal enemy, and I don't feel like sharing.

// Hey Spike what do you like?
Hey Spike what do you like? \\

I am *not* nursing an affection for the Slayer! She kills my kind, she dated Mr. Cardboard who helped do this chip job to me, she wouldn't have me get it out cuz she knows the first thing I'd do is go after her with a railroad spike and some rope and...

Hey, Willie. Can I get some more O Neg with another shot of tequila? Yeah...want to be nice and drunk when I go back to Harmony, that airheaded git. That way I won't remember anything.

// Hey Spike what do you like?
Hey Spike, you're scarin' my wife
Please Spike, tell us 'bout life? \\

As I said before, I think Tom Petty should rot in hell, the filthy wanker.

Why's he so popular, anyway?

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