Let me back up a bit. Hi, I'm Janine. I'll be your narrator for the evening. Our specials are weird shit and scary monsters, with a side of broken glass and dumb jokes.

Let me back up again. Like I said, I was exercising. I was on the bike in the corner. It's my favorite. None of those weird dials and buttons like the rest of the bikes, just a timer and a pair of pedals. I can handle that. The view's great, too - the windows that look out over the street must be a bitch to keep clean, but I think it's worth it. The gym's on the second floor, so it's got a good angle to see everything down below. I'm still not sure how I missed the fight until it came up close and personal. I guess they must've come out of the alley next to the building. All I know is, I was in the zone or whatever you call it, pedaling like a madwoman, when I heard a man yell, "Oh, shit!" It was long and drawn out, and it sounded like it was getting closer. The Doppler Effect, I think Ms. Pilkington used to call it in science class.

Anyway, before I could even react, the aforementioned cute guy came crashing through the window about ten feet away from me. He slid through the broken glass for a ways until he crashed into one of the frames with all the weights on it. It wobbled, but stayed upright. The guy jerked his head to one side just in time to avoid having it crushed by a couple of big dumbbells that were knocked off. He just lay there for a minute, breathing heavily and running his hands over his face and chest to make sure he was all right. At least, I assumed that's what he was doing when he said, "Son of a bitch," in surprise, like he couldn't believe he was still alive.

He was cute, like I said. Tall, compared to me at least, with dark hair and great arms. He was cut some, but not too badly. He shook his head hard, then climbed painfully to his feet. He looked like he was nursing some sore ribs.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Which was stupid, but what was I supposed to say?

"Huh?" he replied, turning to look at me just as the monster jumped up through the window.

I screamed. Well, what would you have done? It was at least eight feet tall, and it looked like a human iguana or something. Giant head full of razor sharp teeth, clawed hands, and a long tail that whipped around behind it. It looked hungry. And as soon as I screamed, it looked straight at me.

I'd swear it smiled as it started stalking towards me, effortlessly pushing the heavy exercise equipment out of the way. I clambered off the bike, but there was nowhere to run. I pressed myself into the corner and knew I had no chance of getting away. It knew it, too. A long, forked tongue darted out of its mouth to lick its lips in anticipation.

That's when the dumbbell came flying through the air and bounced off its head.

"Come get some, you bastard!" the cute guy yelled. "I'll make a friggin' belt outta ya!" He had his hands up like he was going to box the damned thing. It rubbed angrily at its head, then hissed like a steam engine and charged for him.

"Oh, boy," he muttered, and turned like he was going to run. Then he just stood his ground and smiled. I stared at him in horror as the thing got close, expecting to see him get cut to ribbons, when the monster just stopped dead like it had hit a wall. The cute guy laughed and said, "Behind you, moron."

The lizard and I both turned to look. There was a small blonde girl in a killer outfit holding onto the end of its tail. She let go when the lizard turned to growl at her, then dropped into a fighting crouch.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she mocked. "That's what your buddy downstairs said, just before I killed him." The thing lunged at her, lightning fast, but she danced easily to one side and winced as it crashed into a row of Nautilus machines.

"Xander, you okay?," she called back over her shoulder as she advanced on the monster.

"Just peachy," the cute guy, Xander, responded. "That jerk owes me a new t-shirt, though. This one's all cut up."

The blonde laughed. "Well, we can check for a wallet once he's dead, but I think you're out of luck on that."

"Figures," Xander snorted. "Story of my life. Whoops, here he comes again."

He certainly did. The lizard screamed in rage as it sprang to its feet and shook off the debris entangling it like a dog shedding water. It charged the girl again, and again she ducked to one side. This time, she punched it hard in the back of the head as it went past. It didn't seem to faze the thing, though, as it turned on a dime and sliced its claws at her midsection. She barely managed to dodge backwards, then spun and landed a kick straight into its chest. It tumbled backwards and landed in a heap, then slowly got to its feet.

"Had enough?," the girl asked cheerfully, then yelped as she crashed to the ground. Looking down, I saw that the lizard had snagged her feet with its tail. Before she could get up, it darted forward, intent on killing her. Its talons crashed into the floor where the girl had been an instant before. She was rolling madly, trying to stay out of its way, but I knew with a sickening certainty that it wouldn't work. It wasn't giving her any time to get up, and there wasn't enough room for her to avoid it for long.

Just as the thought hit me, her time ran out. She'd been so busy avoiding the thing's claws that she'd forgotten about the tail. It snaked around her torso and held her still. She was fighting against it, but it held her fast. The monster gave her a disgusting leer as it brought its fanged mouth slowly down towards her.

"Banzai!" Xander yelled, as he swung a metal bar down on the thing's head. It screamed in rage and pain and turned to snarl at him just as he brought the bar around again and caught it in the throat. Choking, the lizard lashed out with its tail and sent Xander flying. He crashed into a support pillar and slumped to the ground, too stunned to react as the lizard hissed and moved towards him.

"You're not very bright, are you?" the blonde girl asked as she swung a vicious double-handed haymaker into the back of the thing's neck. I flinched in revulsion as I heard bones snap. The lizard slumped to the floor and didn't move.

That wasn't enough for the blonde. She looked around quickly and moved to pick up the bar that Xander had dropped when the lizard hit him. She held it like a spear and plunged it down into the thing's head once, twice, three times.

She was bringing the bar up again when Xander's hands came to rest soothingly on her shoulders. "I think you killed it," he said softly.

She brought the bar down into the lizard's brain one last time, then withdrew it and flung it to the side. "Yeah," she muttered. "Damn, I hate it when they get that close to winning." She turned around suddenly and looked Xander up and down. "Are you okay? How bad did it hurt you?"

Xander smiled and shook his head. "I'm all right. It might have cracked a few ribs, but nothing too bad. How about you?"

She shrugged. "My ribs don't feel too great, either, but they'll be okay by morning."

"Damn Slayer healing," Xander groused.

"Better than Blue Cross," the girl laughed. "Come on, let's get you home. Anya's going to be worried sick."

Xander pointed down at the lizard's corpse. "What do we do with tall, dark and scaly, here?" As if on cue, the body dissolved into a blob of disgusting goo, then evaporated completely. "Never mind, then," Xander went on smoothly. "I love it when they clean up after themselves."

"It does make the job easier, that's for sure," the girl said as she put her arm carefully around Xander and started leading him towards the exit.

"Xander?" she asked after they'd gone a few feet.

"You're welcome," he said softly. "Buffy?"

"You're welcome," she said with a smile. "All part of the service."

And then they left.

I just stood there gawking along with everyone else for awhile. The police got there maybe twenty minutes later, but nobody knew what to tell them. I slipped out and went home before they asked me any questions. I made sure to stay on the main, well-lit streets the whole way. And I locked all five of the locks on my door. I'd never understood why there were so many before.

Then I called my boss to tender my resignation, effective immediately, dragged out my suitcase, and started to pack. I'm heading back to Buffalo. Ten feet of snow every winter doesn't seem so bad anymore, y'know?