However, all I knew was that I was fucking horny as hell. There was nothing I could do about it, and I had a man at my disposal. Funny word, but pretty appropriate. Disposal. Something to be disposed of. And that’s what men were to me. Use ‘em, abuse ‘em, lose ‘em.

I should have known that Xander was different, when I couldn’t stop thinking about him after that episode with the gingerbread kids. I remember thinking how it was so obvious how much he loved Willow, he was willing to do anything for her. I remember wondering what it would be like for someone to be that devoted to me. What it would be like to have him that devoted to me.

I shook it off, as all bad little Slayers do. We don’t have feelings, right? No remorse, no concern for self or others. Right. Gotcha. You okay, Faith? Five by five, not a worry. Who cares that I’m being eaten alive inside by this pain, the knowledge that I’m not fucking Princess Buffy? That no one in this group is going to give two finger fucks about me unless I develop a sugar rush aimed straight at my brain and start prancing around like Mary Fucking Sunshine?

So I smile and I shrug my shoulders lazily, and I make a crack comment about the fact that I’ll live by my wits and get laid by my tits, and I’ll never need anything else. And that insolent little grin of mine is pretty damn good at hiding all the loneliness.

And then came Xander, and I thought maybe the loneliness didn’t have to be a permanent part of my life. Then that little red-headed bitch, Willow, ruined it all. She fucking broke his heart, I could have crushed her heart in my hands. And she broke him for anyone else. She had him in the palm of her hand, and I wanted to cut her, wound her deep, watch the blood run from her in rivers.

Of course, Slayers don’t kill people. Goddamn the Council’s fucking rules. Some people need to die.

So I really don’t know why I thought that night would be different. Why I thought that I could fuck Xander senseless and then turn him away. I did, though. Played it cool, told him thanks like he’d fixed a broken TV or something, then told him he had to leave. Kicked him out. Confused the fucking hell out of him.

And I closed the door behind me, and I sat down and started to shake. Because it was at that point that I realized there would be no walking away from him. Not unless I kept walking and never looked back.

It happened again two nights later. I was on my way home from patrol, ran into Xander. Buffy and the gang had sent him after me. Figures. They couldn’t be bothered to check up on Faith, so they sent the doughnut boy to run their errand. He asked me how patrol had gone. I flashed him a smile and a casually-uttered “Five by five,” which I love to use because they have no fucking clue what it means. It’s my one line of defense against them, keep talking in my special brand of language and they’ll never know whether I’m coming or going.

But Xander, damn him, couldn’t let it go. He took my arm, told me he didn’t feel right just taking off and leaving me, Slayer or no. So he walked back to my apartment with me. And the tongue-sucking at the door didn’t stop. Seconds later we were fumbling at the door, almost too impatient to get our clothes off, to make sure that the door had closed behind us.

No lie, the sex was great. And I could have gotten what I needed and booted his ass out the door for a repeat session. But that night, I let him stay. I know he expected I’d kick him out. When we’d both gotten off twice, he started to gather his clothes. I put a hand on his arm, then rolled over in the bed. And he lay back down with me. Wrapped his arm around my waist, tucked my head under his chin, and closed his eyes.

And for the first time ever, I fell asleep with a man holding me in his arms. For the first time, I didn’t chase him away. And I was scared shitless.

It became a recurring theme. For two months, Xander’d come find me after patrol. We’d go back to my apartment, fuck like bunnies, and fall asleep. It was the only time of my life when I can remember feeling relaxed, happy. Comfortable. Like I belonged.

And that’s when I knew I couldn’t stay there anymore.

I had gotten complacent. I was settled. I was setting myself up for a fall. I knew that I had to separate myself from him, knew that I had to move on. Xander would be my downfall. He’d by my death. It’s when you fear death that it claims you. When you embrace it, it backs off. I had no fear of dying. I threw myself at it. I always beat it back.

And then came Xander. And with him, death gained power. I couldn’t stand the thought of dying. I had too much. I’d finally found what I had tried so hard to ignore.

Along the same lines, I had nothing. And that made me weak.

Xander and I never told anyone about us. We were sneaky, we were deceptive. We lied to everyone. We pretended there was nothing there. And I knew, assuredly knew, that it would never change. I also knew it would be all my fault. I would never admit publicly to having a relationship with him. If he tried to tell anyone, he’d never set foot in my apartment again. We were just a middle-of-the-night rendezvous, a night of passion that would be gone with the morning light. We were a fantasy, the sweetest kind. But fantasies aren’t real. And someday you have to come back to reality.

I had nothing. I had everything. Without either, I could have stayed. I had both, so I had to leave.

I told him that I wanted to see him. Fuck patrol, fuck those loser Scoobies. I needed to see him. Told him to be at my apartment at five o’clock. Told him that things needed to change. Told him that I was ready to go public with our relationship. Told him I loved him.

I hope he knows that part wasn’t a lie.

I took one last look at my apartment. It hadn’t been much of a home, but it was where a long period of my life was housed. There was nothing in it; everything I owned was in my lone bag. Travel light, my mom always said. Yeah, travel light. Two pairs of shoes, two pair of jeans, a couple T-shirts, socks. Fuck the underwear. Oh yeah, fuck the kid, too. Leave her on the side of the road, someone’ll pick her up.

Holding on to that bitter memory for strength, for self-righteousness, I turned around and walked out the door. I left the key under the mat, a note on the door. “Come on in. I had to go for a minute, I’ll be back. Come on in and wait.”

Wait for an eternity.

Xander smiled as he pulled the note off the door. She had at least thought of him, had thought of the fact that he would be concerned when he got there and found her gone. He pulled the key out from underneath the mat and sauntered into her room. He noted with a wry smile that she’d actually picked up.

She must have been serious.

Xander lay back on the bed, resting his hands underneath his head. He glanced over at the clock radio. Five thirty. Well, she’d be here soon. He turned on the radio and sang along to the Metallica song currently playing.

Two Incubus songs, a Godsmack, two Three Doors Down, a Powerman 5000, and three Orgy songs later, Xander rolled over to look at the clock. Quarter after six. He was getting slightly worried, but he told himself it was okay. Faith would be back. She could take care of herself. Nothing was wrong…

Nine o’clock had come and gone, and Xander was frantic. Not quite ready to call Giles, as they had no clue about his and Faith’s relationship and wouldn’t understand his concern. Not willing to leave, in case she came back and was worried that he wasn’t still there. But wearing a hole in the cheap motel carpet as he paced into the early morning hours…

Eight am and he was up again, eyes bloodshot, hands wringing nervously. The noise of the deejay on the radio talking cheerfully, a buzz in his ears. Then a familiar name caught his attention and he whipped around to look at the radio.

“The next song was called in by a hot-sounding young lady with a smoky voice, and I’m pleased to pass on her message. ‘I bring sin, Xander. And now it’s time to purge yourself of all your sins.’ Ouch, bud, sounds like you’re getting your final notice. Anyway, this is ‘Ecstasy’ by Megadeth. And you’re listening to…” The announcer’s voice faded from Xander’s consciousness as his whole being became attuned to the words to the song.

And he knew in that instant that the brief sweet something he’d found with Faith was destined to be his greatest memory.