The one thing I noticed was that he never stopped holding my hand. I wasn't keeping a tight hold on him anymore, he could've let go if he'd wanted to. I guess he didn't want to. That made me feel good, to know he was willing to let me hold him, to let me help him. Just knowing that he liked holding my hand felt good. I think maybe I needed it just as much as he did.

We didn't talk at all. Which is pretty amazing considering this is me and Xander we're talking about. I think just being together was enough. I wasn't even thinking about it, not really. At least not the details. I was just thinking about the fact that I don't like it when he's hurting. And the fact that sometimes it seems like all he does is hurt. And how unfair that is. And how much I really, really wanted to help him. Okay, I guess I was thinking about it after all. Sue me.

It didn't take us too long to get home, even though I was walking pretty slow. I was trying to figure out what to tell my mom. Like I'd told Xander, she loves having him over for dinner, that wasn't the problem. But there was no way I was letting him go home after dinner, and there was no way I was letting him be alone either. And I figured that might be a problem.

I hadn't thought of how to tell her by the time we arrived. I figured I'd wing it later on. It works on vampires, why not my mom?

Mainly 'cause my mom can be tougher than any vampire, but I tried not to think about that.

She was in the kitchen, just finishing up dinner. I had to pull Xander in through the doorway. He had decided to be difficult again, apparently. I wasn't worried, I knew Mom could wear him down. She was so busy at the stove she hadn't even heard us come in.

"Hey Mom! He followed me home. Can I keep him?" Xander looked down at his shoes at that, but I could tell he was smiling a little bit. He tried to pull his hand out of mine again, but I didn't let him.

Mom turned around with a puzzled look on her face, but that turned into a big grin when she saw Xander. "I don't know, honey. Has he had his shots?"

"I'm not sure. He does look kinda wormy, doesn't he?"

Mom put her hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle and Xander smiled a bit more, but then his face clouded. "Hey! I think I resent that!" But there was so much of the old, normal Xander humor in his voice that I knew he wasn't thinking about Willow for just a second. I counted that as a victory. You take what you can get in this line of work.

If it was a victory it was short-lived though. Xander's eyes were the first to show the pain was back, then just like that I could tell it all came back to him. He hid it well, he always does, but I could see it.

Mom saw it too, or saw something at least. She looked at his eyes, then seemed to notice for the first time that we were holding hands. Her eyes went all soft and she took a few steps towards Xander. Her hand came up as if to touch him, but she seemed to catch herself and dropped it back to her side.

"Xander? Are you okay, honey?" Her voice was so soft, just like when she tucks me into bed when I get sick or hurt. And her eyes were all over him, checking out every part for cuts or injuries. I see that look every night when I come home, but this was different somehow. It was like she was expecting to find something even worse than what we pick up fighting vampires.

I didn't have time to figure it out. Xander's voice broke my train of thought. "I'm okay, Mrs. Summers. Nothing wrong here."

It was the most unconvincing lie I've ever heard come out of his mouth, and believe me I've heard some whoppers. But Mom dropped it. She could tell Xander wanted her to. She never drops it when I want her to, but I'm not bitter. Well, maybe a tad.

"Okay, if you say so. Why don't you two set the table? I hope you like beef stew, because I made enough to feed an army." Then she looked at Xander again and smiled a bit ruefully. She was obviously revising her first estimate and wondering if she'd made enough. Like I said, Mom likes having Xander over for dinner. She told me once that he'll eat us out of house and home if we give him half a chance, but she loves having someone around who likes her cooking so darn much. And he does dishes, which is hard to beat since Mom and I both hate doing them.

Xander and I got the dishes and silverware out and set the table. We had to stop holding hands, of course, but I made sure to stay near him. Once his hand reached out towards me, but he drew it back quickly when he realized what he was doing. Without even really looking at him, I just pulled him into a quick hug, then released him and went back to setting the table. Mom saw us but didn't say anything. Once when Xander's back was turned, she raised her eyebrows in a question to me. All I had time to do was mouth "Willow" to her before Xander turned around, but her eyes lit up in understanding and I breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn't ask about Will over dinner. That's all we needed. A minute or so later I noticed that she moved my plate and chair a little closer to Xander's while he wasn't looking. Damn she's good.

Dinner was good too. No, scratch that, dinner was great. Mom's a good cook, but she outdid herself this time. The stew was great, plenty of meat and vegetables. And she'd made fresh bread to go along with it. And, God help us, there was even a fresh-baked apple pie for dessert. And ice cream, of course. It's like she'd known that Xander was coming over and that what he needed was good food and some down time with people who cared about him. I decided to take it as a good omen. The conversation was good too. Mom made sure to keep it light, drawing Xander out about various things. Nothing to do with school or Slaying, just little stuff. A movie she'd seen the week before, a band she somehow knew he liked. I swear, she was perfect. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.

I was on Xander's right side, pretty close thanks to Mom, and I spent a lot of dinner with my left hand in my lap, just in case. Just when I'd given up on him, Xander's hand reached over and squeezed mine, just a little bit, before going back above the table. I smiled, and I saw Mom did too. He wasn't waiting for me to reach out to him anymore. I took that as a good omen too, because I knew I couldn't do this if he wasn't helping me. I wasn't sure I could do it even if he did help, but I felt better about our chances after that, believe me.

After dinner we put the dishes in the sink and Mom informed Xander that it was time to pay the bill. He smiled, another real one, and started scrubbing. I've never understood how he can enjoy doing dishes but have a room that looks like a federal disaster area. He says it's the warm water, it feels nice. That and the fact that there's a definite end in sight. Once you've done all the dishes you know you've accomplished something. I guess I can see that.

While he was scrubbing away - and whistling a jaunty tune, which gave me even more reason to be hopeful - I dragged Mom into the living room for a quick briefing. I told her what had happened, how I'd found Xander and hadn't wanted him to be alone. She reacted about how I expected, about the way I had myself.

She was a bit confused though. "I thought Willow and Xander were getting along better lately? I had such high hopes for those two putting that mess last year behind them." Of course Mom knows about the fluke and all that. It's not like I could talk to Willow about it.

"I thought they were doing better too. They *were* doing better. I don't know what happened. Xander said she just freaked. I'll talk to her about it next time I see her. Right now I'm worried about Xander."

Mom nodded and I knew she was just as worried as I was. That's what gave me the courage to bring up what I'd been avoiding even thinking about all night. "Mom, I want him to stay here tonight."

She looked at me like I'd said something stupid. "Of course he's staying here! I'm not letting him go home alone any more than you are."

Okay, so far so good, but that was the easy part. "I want him to sleep in my room. In my bed. With me."

I braced myself for impact, but she just nodded like me sleeping with Xander made perfect sense. "That's a good idea. He shouldn't be alone."

I just blinked for a few seconds, but found my voice so I could ask the million dollar question. "Okay, who are you and what have you done with my mother?" I was relieved she wasn't arguing, sure, but it freaked me out too.

"I just think it's a good idea that he have someone to be with tonight. I'm glad you thought of it." The sad little smile on her face and her tone of voice reminded me of how she'd reacted when we'd first come in, and I just knew there was something else going on.

"Okay, Mom, spill. You're acting like you've been through this with him before. And I'm not sure, but I think it bothers me a bit that you're so willing to let me go to bed with a guy." Well, wouldn't it bother you?

She chuckled a bit at that. "I know you don't feel that way about Xander, honey. Though I've never understood why. You two would be so good together..." She shook her head and derailed that train of thought, much to my relief.

"Okay, but what about the other part? You've seen him like this before?" I hate to say it, but I think I was a bit jealous. Even I'd never really seen him like this before. He'd never let me.

She didn't want to answer me, I could tell that easily enough. Finally she nodded a little bit, and her face went all tender. "I've seen him like this before, yes. It was last summer while you were... gone." Pain crossed her face but it was gone in a second. "He came over one night when he needed a friend and everyone else was out of town." Her face closed up. "And that's all I can tell you. But I know that he needs you tonight, Buffy, and I'm so glad you're here for him." She leaned over and hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe for a second, then got up and pulled me off the couch. "Now let's go get him out of the kitchen before he gets lonely. Or sets those ugly curtains on fire again."

My mother, ladies and gentlemen. God, I don't appreciate her enough.

I let her go in ahead of me. I had a call to make.

Giles answered on the third ring, which meant he took the time to turn the TV off so no one would know he was watching Simpsons reruns. It scares me how well I know him sometimes. But mostly it makes me feel good.

"Ah, Hello?" He always sounds awkward on the phone. I've never figured out why.

"Giles, it's Buffy." Of course he knew that, but it's one of the things you say, right? "I need a favor."

"Oh hello Buffy. What's wrong?" He slipped into protective Watcher-mode like he was born to it. Which he was, I guess.

"Could you do the patrol for me tonight?" I swear, I could *hear* his eyebrows bunch together in confusion. "Xander's having some trouble and I don't want to leave him alone."

"Trouble, what kind of trouble?" He's just as protective of Xander and Will as he is of me, and I love him for it.

"He and Will had a huge fight and he thinks she hates him." That's as concise as I could make it.

"Willow doesn't hate him." Giles said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. We think alike.

"I know that and you know that, but Xander won't until Will calms down and they can talk. It was bad. So can you handle the patrol tonight?"

"Of course, I'd be happy to. I'll go out in just a little while, after I'm done with some, er, things here."

I smiled at that. "So which episode is it tonight?"

His voice brightened. "The one with Bleeding Gums Murphy in the hospital. I've always liked..." He paused, then resumed in a calmer tone. "What I m-meant to say is I have no idea what you're referring to."

I laughed, and I heard him chuckle a bit. "That's a good one all right. I'll let you go so you can get back to it before the song."

I felt him smile ruefully from clear across town. "Well, thank you. Not that I have any idea what you're talking about."

"Of course not. Bye Giles, and thanks." I hung up the phone with a grin on my face. It faded a bit as I went into the kitchen. Serious business ahead.

Xander and Mom were just finishing up putting the dishes away. Xander looked up and smiled at me as I came in, then gestured to the empty sink and clean table and stove.

"Will that pay for my meal ladies, or are there other..." a pause, a slight leer, "services you require?" I felt my eyes go wide and my cheeks burn. On the one hand, if he could joke like that again I knew he was getting better, but on the other hand, my mother was standing right there!

And on the eww! hand, she had a speculative look on her face! She scrunched up her mouth the way she does when she's thinking something through, then finally said "Tempting as the offer is, I think we're even now, Xander." I'd swear there was real regret in her voice, which I so did not need to hear.

Xander shrugged philosophically and the subject was dropped, to my immense relief. Mom herded us out into the living room and we began what I can only call Operation Xander-Cheer. Dear lord above did we do our best to take that boy's mind off of Willow. Mom directed things like a general in battle. First came the board games. Mom dug out all the games and we played Parcheesi. I wanted Yahtzee but I was overruled. Sure, let the guy who just lost his best friend pick the game. Bah. But I think it's safe to say a fun time was had by all.

Next came the movie. Mom put me in charge of picking the movie while she and Xander put the games away and got the popcorn and soda ready. As you might imagine, I took my responsibility very seriously. Great care must be taken in choosing a good cheer-up movie in the best of circumstances, and these circumstances certainly weren't the best. I looked through our collection with a practiced eye. No chick flicks, because Willow loved those and we didn't want to think about her. No romances, because even though Xander said he didn't think of Willow that way, I figured he was lying so I didn't want to take the risk. Which meant The Princess Bride was a no-go, and that one had always served as my default movie in situations like this. I thought about an action flick, but the only one we have is True Lies and I wasn't in the mood to see Xander's reaction to Jamie-Lee's dancing scene, even if it would cheer him up. I finally decided wacky comedy was the only way to go, and since Xander, Willow and I had watched my Marx Brothers stuff together just a few weeks before, and since Xander always got depressed at the end of Animal House when the subtitles say Boone and Katy get divorced, I knew there was only one real choice. Only one movie that would fit the bill.

I speak, of course, of The Blues Brothers. Comedy, action, great music, and a car chase through a mall. Any movie that has Illinois Nazis, Princess Leia, a mission from God, cute orphans, psycho nuns, the Illinois National Guard, the best damned fried chicken in the state, white slaver impersonations and Ray Charles firing a .45 at a little kid is good by me. So when Xander and mom came back into the living room with the eats I popped the movie in and we settled in on the couch.

And we laughed. Oh, how we laughed. I don't remember ever laughing that hard. And Xander was the same - he laughed so much he could barely breathe. That bothered me at first, I was afraid he was working at it too hard. I was afraid he was trying to deny his feelings rather than just put them aside for a bit. But I watched him for awhile and I knew that's not what he was doing. He was just ignoring the pain for a little while, giving himself time to regroup before dealing with it. So I did the same, and we had fun, real honest fun. We needed it. Him especially, but me too. I still didn't think I was going to be able to help him through everything, but sitting there with him and Mom, laughing our asses off, I knew I'd give it my best shot and that was all I could do. But I was scared, as scared as I'd ever been fighting vampires. If I screwed up there, the worst that would happen to me is that I'd die. If I screwed up here, I'd have to live knowing that I'd hurt Xander, hurt him even more when he was already in pain. If I did that to him, I wouldn't want to go on living.

With an effort I put the thoughts out of my head and got back to laughing like a fiend. When the movie was over I realized I had my head resting on Xander's shoulder, and he had his arm around me. I couldn't tell you when that happened, but it felt nice. It felt nice to sit there and watch a movie with a normal guy, a guy I could let into my house and let my mother know about. That's the first time I ever wished I loved Xander as more than a friend. Mom was right, we would've been good together. But it wasn't meant to be, I guess. And no matter what, that was not the time to get into it, so I put those thoughts out of my head and got moving. It was hard getting up and leaving his arms though, I'll tell you that.

When I stood up, I realized that Mom had fallen asleep. She was leaning against the back of the couch, dead to the world. That didn't surprise me too much. She always falls asleep on the couch then wakes up to go to bed later on. She says she needs the nap to come up with the energy to make it to bed. Mom's weird.

I pulled Xander up off the couch and we managed to get Mom rearranged so she was lying down more comfortably without waking her up. This was not a difficult task since Mom sleeps almost as deeply as Willow. I pulled an afghan over her as Xander gathered up the glasses and popcorn bowls and brought them into the kitchen. After he was out of the room, I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. She'd been so good all night, I knew if I got through to Xander it would be because of her as much as anything I did.

When I got into the kitchen, Xander had already washed the bowls and was moving on to the glasses. That boy worries me. But it really looked like he was enjoying himself, so I had no complaints coming. He put the cleaned dishes on the drying rack and turned to speak to me.

"This, um, this has been great Buffy." He waved his hand to indicate everything that had happened tonight. "Really great, I really needed it. Thank you. And thank your mom for me tomorrow, will you?" His eyes darted to the door, then back to me.

I just smiled at him. I could tell he actually thought he was going home. Not the brightest boy, our Xander. But cute. "You can thank her yourself, Xander."

He looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"You're staying here tonight."

I almost cried at the relief I saw in his eyes, and the hope in his voice. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. You're staying here. End of story."

He still had to try to argue. "Your mom's on the couch, Buff. We shouldn't wake her up." He was obviously looking to lose the argument though, so I knew I was making progress.

"We're not going to wake her up. You're sleeping in my bed." He looked confused again, and I really can't blame him. "Then where will you sleep?"

I looked into his eyes and took a deep breath. "In my bed." I expected him to make a joke, or more likely to argue some more. What I didn't expect was the flash of panic and pain in his eyes. My own eyes must have betrayed that I'd seen, because in a second it was gone. He'd shut those feelings down, denied their existence even to himself. He's so very, very good at that, so good it breaks my heart.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Even as I asked, I knew he wasn't going to answer me.

And I was right. "Nothing. I'm okay." He looked at me and relented a bit at whatever he saw in my eyes. "It's got nothing to do with Willow, I promise. Just some stuff I have to work through on my own."

I didn't want to let it go, but I knew I had to drop it for the moment at least. "You know you can tell me if you need someone to talk to?" I didn't realize how important his answer was until I asked, and I breathed a sigh of relief when he nodded. If he didn't know he could tell me anything, then there was just no point. "Okay then, we'll forget it. For now." I added as he started to smile a bit, but he just nodded again and I knew that was the best answer I was going to get for the moment.

I grabbed his hand and pulled him upstairs. I didn't have to work too hard, so I was hoping we'd be okay. When I got him into my room though, he balked. "Uh, Buff, I don't know how good an idea this is..."

I didn't let him go any further. "Well, I do." As I looked into his eyes, it occurred to me that I'd done that more in the past few hours than I ever had before. Right there I made a resolution to keep doing it. He has nice eyes, and it's so easy to get through to him that way. "Xander, I need to ask you for a favor."

His eyes lit up, like I knew they would. Xander's always ready to give, never to take. And I was quite willing to ruthlessly take advantage of that fact. "What do you need?" He was ready, willing and able to do what I wanted.

"I need you to stay here tonight." His eyes clouded. He thought I was trying to trick him, but I wasn't. "I need you to let me help you, let me hold you, Xander." He didn't believe me, or couldn't let himself believe me. "I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. I need you to stay. You need it too, and you know it. It hurts that you won't let me help you, so please let me help. Okay?"

I was crying. I didn't even know it until Xander reached over to wipe away my tears. He was crying too, a little bit. Served him right as far as I was concerned, but I forgave him when he pulled me into his arms and started rocking me back and forth.

"I'm sorry Buff. I don't mean to push you away, I really don't. But this isn't easy for me. It's never been easy. I do the same thing to Willow, if that makes it any better."

It did make it better, at least a little. What really made it better is that he held me until I stopped crying. He held me and he let me hold him. I just relaxed in his arms for a long while. It was so peaceful. Until a thought occurred to me and broke the tranquility.

I pulled away a little bit. Not far enough to leave his arms, just enough to look up at his face. I tried to put a stern expression on my face. "Xander, I'm supposed to be helping you here, not the other way around."

I'm guessing I didn't look all that stern, judging by the grin he flashed me. "Buffy, if you don't think I find holding a drop-dead gorgeous blonde helpful you really don't know me all that well."

I laughed at that but pulled my arm away from him to hit him on the shoulder. He'd have been disappointed if I hadn't. "So are you okay with this?" I swung my hand out to indicate the bed we'd be sharing.

He still looked a bit doubtful, but he nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay. And thank you."

"No thanks necessary. You'd do the same for me."

I knew it was a mistake the second I said it, but instead of heading him off I let him reply. "Yes. Yes I would, Buff. I'd sleep with you anytime. You know that." At least he let me off easy, I guess. I'm sure a dozen worse replies had gone through his head.

I just made a face and pushed him away a little bit. "Okay then. I understand you sleep in your boxers, right?" Willow had told me that, of course, but I didn't want to mention her name. He nodded and I gestured to indicate his still clothed body. "So strip already."

He just looked at me with that little smile on his face. I love that smile, all the more right then because I'd been afraid I'd never see it again. I expected him to make a crack of some sort but he surprised me when he just pulled off his shirt and pants. He was already barefoot because we'd taken our shoes and socks off while we were watching the movie. So he was standing in front of me in just his boxers.

Xander in his boxers of course led to a flashback to Xander in his Speedo, which led to thoughts I'm not supposed to have about Xander in his boxers and/or Speedo. Truthfully, I don't think of Xander that way, for a whole bunch of good reasons. He's my best friend, and I love him, but not that way. I swear though, every once in awhile I have to ask myself just why I don't think of him that way. Let's just say this was one of those times and leave it at that. The boy looked good.

All of those thoughts went through my head in a second or two. I'd like to think I managed not to gape or stare, but I make no guarantees. Xander was just standing there with that cute little smirk on his face, and I wanted to say something to either wipe it off or make it a real grin, but I didn't because he looked so tired. Physically, mentally, spiritually, take your pick. He was tired and so was I and it just wasn't the time to get into it. So I just turned around and pointed him to the bathroom.

"You can brush your teeth while I change. Your toothbrush is in the spare holder." Willow and Xander both have spare toothbrushes at my place so as to accommodate the not infrequent sleepover.

He didn't even complain about not getting to watch me change, that's how tired he was. He just trudged off to the bathroom and left me to figure out what pajamas I wanted to wear.

The obvious choice was the big, safe flannels. They were even a Christmas present from Xander, come to think of it, so they were a good choice for two reasons. Wearing them would let him know I liked his present and would keep me covered while I was in bed with him. But I knew they were the wrong choice for two reasons as well. It was too warm for them and I didn't want Xander to think I had to be covered up around him. He was wearing his boxers like always, so I figured I'd wear my shorts and crop-top like always.

I knew I'd made the right choice when Xander came back into my room. He didn't even give my skimpy outfit a second glance. Under other circumstances that might have annoyed me a little, but I knew it was just because he knew I trusted him. It was no big deal because me trusting him was no big deal. That felt good.

"So," he said, "I guess it's time for bed?" He was nervous. So was I, so I couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, it's time for bed."

It was a bit awkward at first, which didn't surprise either one of us. How do two best friends manage to sleep together without feeling weird? Pretty easily, I guess. After a few false moves and one unfortunate jab from my elbow that hopefully won't keep Xander from having children, we settled down. There was enough room on the bed for us to spread out at least a little bit, but I didn't want to. I reached over his body and took his left hand in my right, which won me a smile. Then I snuggled in close to him and put my head on his chest. His breath caught for a second and I was afraid I'd pushed him too far but then he snaked his arm around me and pulled me closer to him and it was okay again.

It was better than okay. I felt safe in his arms, warm, relaxed. Loved. I didn't have the words to explain that to him, or to ask him if he felt the same. All I could think to say felt so inadequate.

"Thank you Xander."

My head was on his chest so I couldn't see him. But I felt his smile. Felt it in my soul. And I knew he understood how I felt, I knew he felt the same.

"You're welcome." A pause. "Thank you Buffy."

I smiled into his chest and I knew he felt it.

"You're welcome."

And then we slept.