Truth in the Music
Part Five
By Bri

“So, I have this feeling,” Willow began hesitantly. “It seems like every time something bad happens to me, or something good happens to me, then the perfect song is playing somewhere.” I listened in amusement as she explored the exact same thought that I had had days before. “That day, the one when you came over while I was baby-sitting?” she started. “I had just been listening to the radio. And there was this song playing. I’d been listening to your favorite country station.” I smiled, because I knew what she was about to say. “I think it was called ‘Silence is King’. I know it’s by Tanya Tucker. And it was so appropriate. She was singing about how people that used to be such good friends, lovers or whatever, couldn’t even talk to each other anymore. And how they were like strangers. And it hurt, because it’s the truth for us.” Willow was crying again, the tears slipping down her cheeks. I reached out to brush them away, and she smiled tremulously. “Then, right after that, this other song called ‘Half the Man’ came on, and it was like someone had hit me over the head. The only thing making it not fit me is the fact that a guy is singing it about a girl. But if a woman were singing it about a guy, it could be you and me. He’s saying how she’s made him into what he is, and how they balance each other out. Xander, that’s how I feel about you. I couldn’t be who I am if you hadn’t been there for me all our lives. You loved me, even if it wasn’t the way I wanted you to, and that love helped me be a stronger person. I was strong because I had you,” Willow whispered, coming to the end of her long rambling.

I did something then that I hadn’t been able to do in a long time. I reached for Willow and pulled her into my arms. She cried into my shirt and I held her close, rocking her like a child. “Willow, you’re my strength as well. I was listening to those songs, and I felt the exact same way. You're my partner. We’ve been together all our lives. It just feels so unnatural that you’re with Oz and not with me. And I can’t help being jealous, because since you started dating him he’s had all of you. I haven’t even had a little piece. I miss you so much, Wills. I just want you back like I used to have you,” I whispered back.

Willow pulled away from me and smiled warmly, with a little bit of a tremble to her lips. “You know I’m not a big Celine Dion fan,” she began, and I nodded. “But the other day, after you left the Hannigans’ house, I found Mrs. Hannigan’s new Celine CD; it’s called ‘Let’s Talk About Love,’ and it has this song on it. I put it on just because I was depressed and needed something to listen to. Well, this song came on, and I can’t think of another song that expresses what’s between you and I so perfectly. So, I want you to listen to it.” She got up and put the disc into my stereo, then hit the forward button until it came to the song she wanted. Melancholy music filled the room and she sat across from me, watching my reaction to the lyrics.

I want to know why
You’re letting this die
Without the blink of an eye
You say that you need time
I say you’ll be fine

If you would only see
Like you did before
You became imprisoned
Can I reopen the door

You say it doesn’t matter
Then tell me what does
And why that isn’t what
You’ve been thinking of
You say it’s never easy
Then tell me what was
Is it never worth the pain
Could you believe it was
When life keeps living
That’s what life keeps giving
To us

Once we were one mind
Drifting in one time
And ever true
We were friends
But something is gone from my
Picture of this life

If we could only see
Like we did before
We became imprisoned
Can I reopen the door


You say it doesn’t matter
Then tell me what does
And why that isn’t what
You’ve been thinking of
You say it’s never easy
Then tell me what was
Is it never worth the pain
Could you believe it was
When life keeps living
That’s what life keeps giving
To us

The hope has vanished from your eyes
You were my faith and one truth
There’s every reason to get through
And you’re why I know there’s a reason

You say it doesn’t matter
Then tell me what does
And why that isn’t what
You’ve been thinking of
You say it’s never easy
Then tell me what was
Is it never worth the pain
Could you believe it was
When life keeps living
That’s what life keeps giving
To us

The notes slowly faded into nothingness and Willow turned the stereo off. I sat back, tears streaming down my face.

“Xander, that’s us,” she acknowledged quietly, and I nodded my head. “I’ve given up on us. We used to be perfect friends, and then I gave up when it got hard. I did the right thing, the easy thing, and I shut you out because dealing with how our friendship had changed would be too hard, too painful. But, Xand, you’re worth the pain. Our relationship is worth the pain. And it’s not easy, it’s never easy, but I want to do it. I want you back, Xander.” Her quiet voice resonated across the empty room. “I’ve come to realize that there’s a reason why we hear certain songs at certain times. The words hold deeper meaning than we could have imagined. There’s truth in the music, Xander. The question is, are we capable of facing it?” She looked at me earnestly.

“Willow, we faced the truth a long time ago,” I said sadly. “We both know that our friendship has changed. We both know that it hurts being without the other. What you need to do now is determine if it’s worth the sacrifices you’ll have to make in order to get it back. I have nothing to lose. But you need to realize that Oz will always be in the way. No matter how much you love him, no matter how much he loves you, he will always be resentful of any time you spend with me. If you don’t break up with him, we can never spend a moment together without him getting anxious, and you getting upset because he doesn’t trust you. You know that the only way we can maintain our friendship is if you break up with him. But if you break up with him, and you don’t believe wholeheartedly that it’s the right thing to do, then you’ll always resent me for coming between the two of you. And I can’t handle that. So you have to make the decision, Willow. I’m not forcing you to choose, but you know that you can’t have it both ways.” I looked at her, hating the misery I saw on her face. I despised having to hurt her, but I knew in my heart that she couldn’t be Oz’s girlfriend and my best friend at the same time. She had to choose one of us. And I prayed that she’d choose me.

“I know, Xander,” she sighed. Willow stood up and I followed suit. “I have to think about this,” she recognized. “I can’t say you or him right now. I need to think about the consequences my choice will have.” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, and I clasped her to me tightly, hugging her as long as I could, in case she chose him and I never spoke to her again.

“I love you, Wills,” I whispered fiercely in her ear, and I could feel her lips curving into a smile against my tee shirt.

“I know you do, Xander,” she mumbled against my shoulder. “I love you, too.” She pulled away from me, turned around, and walked out the door. I collapsed into the chair and cried for all that I had screwed up. I could only pray that she’d realize we needed to be together. If she chose Oz, I’d be losing the best thing that ever happened to me. And I wasn’t strong enough to live without her.

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