Background: This takes place after Last Knight. Nick's alive. Natalie's not. My apologies to any Natpackers out there.
Together Through the Night
by Time Jordan
She was waiting for him in the loft, seated at the piano, wineglass in hand, when he returned. He froze momentarily when he saw her, then continued into the loft and tossed his coat casually aside. She watched him in silence, turning on the bench to keep him in her sight as he walked over to the refrigerator and filled a glass similar to the one she held. What she saw frightened her. The blue eyes in which she had once been able to lose herself were dull and numb. She could sense no emotion from him, not even grief. It was as if he was trying to claim the calm oblivion of death while still alive.
"Welcome back," he said finally, turning to face her. "Here to gloat?"
"Gloat at your pain? Is that what you think of me, Nicolas?"
"I would deserve it," he replied flatly. "I owe you an apology, Janette. I was wrong to save you when you asked me not to."
"I thought the same when you first did it. I came close to hating you then. Now I am no longer sure. Sometimes I even think that you were right to do what you did. Pain passes, Nicolas."
"Is that why you're here? To utter platitudes?"
"That, among other things." She paused and took a drink from her glass. "Lacroix told me what happened. I'm sorry about Natalie."
"It's my fault. I betrayed her."
"You did not betray her, cheri. It was a mutual decision. She knew the risk of what she asked."
"She had faith that we would be together. I betrayed that faith."
"You are together. You carry her memory. You would not even have that if you were also dead. Together in nothingness is not together at all." She paused again. "You should not hate Lacroix for refusing to kill you. He could no more do that than you could stand by and watch me die."
"I don't hate him. It's myself I hate. Not only did I kill Natalie, but I don't even have the strength to join her."
"Is that what you want, Nicolas? To join her? Do you care about her so much, and about us so little?"
"It's not like that, Janette," he began. She didn't allow him to finish. She stood to face him, and let the full force of her rage hit him.
"How could you? How could you dare! To ask that of him? To bring me back across and then abandon me in the darkness? You were never so cruel before, Nicolas. You loved me too much to let me die. Did you really think that I felt differently about you? That somehow the strength of my love was less than yours? Do you think you are the only one in this universe who feels pain, or grief?"
He stood stunned for a moment, then his own anger began to mount.
"How could you possibly understand? You didn't spend a century seeking mortality!"
Somewhere beneath her own anger, Janette rejoiced at getting a reaction from him.
"This isn't about your search for mortality, Nicolas. It's about you being too wrapped up in your own little world to even consider the impact of your actions on others. Your request tore Lacroix apart. And me. How could you do that to me, Nicolas? You asked me to go on living, then refused to do the same yourself! I chose to go on living for you. How could you think of leaving me alone?" Her voice broke on the last sentence. Nick looked at her in silence for a moment.
"You left," he said at last in a hoarse voice. "I didn't think you would ever come back. The portrait...I thought it was good-bye. I didn't think you would ever forgive me. I saved you, and in doing so I betrayed you. I betrayed both of you. How can you forgive me?"
"How is it," she asked quietly, "that you forgive me for all of the centuries you suffered?"
"That wasn't your fault. You didn't bring me across. Lacroix did."
"And would you have agreed if I had not first lured you away, and promised myself to you?"
"It was still my decision."
"Have you considered that this was also my decision? It took me a long time to admit it, but it was my decision. There is always a choice. You remember."
"You chose to come back across?"
She shrugged. "When I was faced with it, I found that I still did not consider death to be a true choice. It's not a sign of weakness that you reject that choice, Nicolas. It takes more strength to go on living than it does to die. Another platitude, but there's truth to it."
"How did you cope with the grief?"
"I savoured my memories of him...and I had you. Robert was very like you, that's what drew me to him. Except that he was dead and you were alive. Every night I awoke in anger, and every day before I slept I would reach out to feel your presence. The bond between us is stronger now. You must feel it."
"I do," he said quietly. He had felt the strength of their bond, but hadn't dared to test it before, believing that such an action could only lead to rejection. He reached out tentatively now, and felt comfort and understanding wash over him, and beneath that, love. He realized for the first time just how much he had dreaded facing her again, having to look her in the eye and face her anger, her hatred. He had been made clearly, intimately aware in those moments when she lay dying in his arms that life as a vampire was infinitely better than death as a mortal, and he had ignored that revelation, choosing to continue to seek mortality because he did not think he could stand to lose both of them, and he saw no point in living forever without her.
"Janette..." The tears in his eyes were matched by the tears in her own. She took a hesitant step forward, and then another. His arms encircled her and she laid her head against his shoulder.
"My love, I've missed you so much," she whispered. Then the tears fell from both of them as they wept for those who had been lost, and for what had been rediscovered.
end part 01/01
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Time Jordan
Dark Knightie/Immortal Beloved/RavenetteComments, praise, and criticism are all welcome.