Angel of Mine
By Jessica

SPOILER WARNING: Oh I don't know! Let's say everything and anything.
RATING: Let's be safe and say what the show is rated; PG-14
CONTENT WARNING: This is mostly a reflective piece, it briefly mentions Buffy and Angel's night. But nothing bad. Let's say it's nothing that couldn't be said or whatever in a sitcom.
SUMMARY: Buffy reflects on her relationship with Angel while listening to a song.
DISCLAIMER: Buffy and Angel and all the Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and 20th Century Fox Television. "Angel of Mine" belongs to Monica and her record label. Nothing is mine, in other words.
NOTES: This is written in first person, Buffy's point of view.


Buffy:
Angel, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. He was also the worst during those horrible months last year. I couldn't comprehend how this one person (there's an irony, person, well with a soul he is) could impact my life in so many ways.

Just as I was thinking about this the radio that I had on, with the volume turned way low, began to play a song. One that I had heard before and liked a lot.

When I first saw you, I already knew
That there was something inside of you.
Something I thought that I would never find,
angel of mine.

God, it seems so long ago, when I saw Angel for the very first time. When I tackled him in that alley...... he had had to be the most gorgeous looking guy I had ever seen. But he was so cryptic. That just bugged that crap out of me. So I had been rude to him, could you blame me? I mean, I had just moved hoping to get away from demons and vampires, and here I find the town I moved to is like their capital. Go figure. And yeah, I found something in him that I thought that I wouldn't ever find, at least not for a long time. That was true love. I never knew the meaning of the words till him.

I look at you, looking at me
Now I know why they say the
best things are free
Gonna love you, boy, you are
so fine, angel of mine

Fine? Angel is beyond fine. I remember when I saw him sporadically, I couldn't wait till the next time I would hear from him. Then he had to be a vampire. That majorly sucked. And that factor is what caused me not to see him until I found out I was going to die. Great circumstances for a reunion. But I remember that day well, when I found
him in Giles's office. When they told me what they found, he looked so worried. So scared of losing me. I had thought, "Why?" why would he care so much about me. I think I remember, as I followed the Annoying One to my death, that he would be one of the things I would miss from my life after I died. And I barely knew him.

"The best things are free?" Oh yeah. His kisses, they rocked my world. He was the world's best kisser, probably because he didn't need to breathe. Those kisses were free, until they went too far, and cost me, him, and everyone he touched a great deal of pain.

How you changed my world,
you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow
You came into my life, sent from above
When I lost all hope, you showed me love
I'm checkin' for you, boy, you're right on time
Angel of mine

Angel not only changed my world. He flipped it upside down. When we made love....I don't regret that night for a second. The way he touched me....as if I would break. It's only the aftermath that I hate. Waking up and not knowing where he was. That was the worst feeling in the world. Then as I endured during those soulless months, I
finally got him back, thanks to Willow. But it was too late, and I had to send him to Hell, innocent. That's when I first realized how much he meant to me. I ran away. Coming back home was hard, knowing he wouldn't be there, but I had to go back, for mom, for Giles, and for Xander and Willow.

Then he came back.

Nothing means more to me,
then what we share
No one in this world can ever
compare
Last night, the way you moved,
is still on my mind
Angel of mine

OK, so we haven't done anything since that night, unless you count that dream. When he came back from hell, and after time was his old self...I didn't know how to feel. I was overjoyed to have him back, and heartbroken I couldn't have what I wanted, and needed.There was no way I could've found anyone else to fill his shoes, he was the owner of my heart. Then after that stupid avoiding game I played with him, I finally came to my senses at Christmas and realized how much I loved him.

After Christmas, our relationship was.....weird. We loved each other and we accepted we couldn't express that the way we both wanted to, so we made the best of it.

What you mean to me,
you'll never know
Deep inside, I need to show
You came into my life,
sent from above
When I lost all hope,
you showed me love
I'm checkin' for you, boy,
you're right on time
Angel of mine

Will Angel ever know what he means to me? Probably not. I know he knows I love him, but he doesn't know the depth of it. The same as how I'll never understand the depth of his love for me.

When Faith turned evil, and he faked being Angelus.....it brought back that pain I thought I had forgotten. I realized that we were heading down the same path and I didn't want what happened last time to happen again. God, how I hated doing that to him. I know he'd rather be near me, even if it's not romantically. I'm pretty much all he has.
Poor Angel, he's been through too much. When he first got his soul, he had to deal with the guilt of all he
had killed. Then I sent him to Hell after he regained his soul for the second time, and what was worse he was still confused when I impaled him. He spent thousands of years in Hell and came back, only to have to be "friends" with me. And he goes through it all alone, but yet, he never fails to be there for me, when he can.

I never knew I could feel each moment
As if it were new
Every breath that you take,
the love that we make,
I only share it with you, you , you , you
When I first saw you I already knew,
there was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine

You came into my life,
sent from above
When I lost all hope,
you showed me love
I'm checking for you, boy,
you're right on time
Angel of mine

How you changed my world,
you'll never know
I'm different now,
you helped me grow
I look at you looking at me
Now I know why they say the
best things are free
I'm checkin' for you, boy,
you are so fine
Angel of mine

Angel can claim I'm the one who changed his life, which I did. But he changed mine so much too. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for him. He'll never know how much he means to me. Although I do vow to try and show him in the ways that I can. Maybe one day we can have the relationship we deserve and dream of. But until then I have to accept that Angel is there, but not completely in my grasp. He is my angel, his name has nothing to do with that. I love him.

"It's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all."

The End