Easy

By Felicity

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, like I've said before, they would be a Hell of a lot happier if they were mine! Unfortunately, they belong to Joss Whedon, the WB, Mutant Enemy and so on. I just fix them. The song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Author's Notes: Okay, so I'm not really fixing them. This is just my reaction to when Buffy confronted Angel in "Graduation, Part 1" right before he was shot. She said it was easy for him. This is his response, first person...I guess just his thoughts at that moment or afte rhe gets hot but before he thinks he's really hurt.

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She thinks I feel nothing. She thinks because I’ve learned not to show what I feel, I feel nothing. How can she believe that? She knows how I’ve loved and suffered and she knows I can’t wear that on my sleeves as she does. I can’t do that. I’m not that strong.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.

It’s not easy for me. No more than for her. She thinks because I’m doing what needs to done, I don’t love her or need her. And I do, so very, very much.

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you’d feel me somehow
You’re the closest to Heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

I’ve thought it over and over in my mind, a thousand times, arguing one side and the other. But for leaving, there are so many arguments, so many reasons, good reasons. For staying, there’s only one: I love her. More than my heart, more than my life.

More than my soul.

I know I’ll never feel like I have with her. She’s the light, my light. She’s fire and brightness and warmth. She’s everything I can never have again. She’s joy incarnate, just being with her. One more reason I have to leave. I’ll never have that again, and it’s so hard to go away from it. Even when I die. For all the things I have done, all the crimes I have committed, all the people I have hurt, I will not be going to Heaven. I will be going somewhere much more familiar.

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
And sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

I understand what’s in her that lashes out, what wants to hurt me. God, if anyone knows that feeling it’s me. I just can’t believe she really thinks that. It hurts that she would believe that of me–one more thing that hurts. Such a long list.

Whenever I’m with her, all I can see is her. All I know is her. Her light, her beauty. Her life. And then she’s gone, and I’m in the dark again. Which is only another reason I have to leave. So I can live in my own right, live and try to be something more. Being with her, all I have is her and when she goes, I’m nothing. Maybe I can change that. Maybe I can become myself.

I don’t want to go, but it’s necessary in so many ways.

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I wasn’t always as I am now. Besides the whole vampire thing. Even when I got my sould back. Especially when I got my soul back. I couldn’t live with it. I almost didn’t. For a long time, I almost didn’t.

And then it happened.

I can’t say exactly what happened, or why. It was just before I came to America, in London. One night, I just knew. I knew I had to live. And to live, I had to be what I was not: calm, in control, atoning for my sins. And I became that. I didn’t know why, not for years, not until I met Whistler. Not until I saw Buffy.

I needed to be like that for her.

And now I need to be like that so I can leave her.

She doesn’t understand, no one does. It’s impossible. No one has lived what I have lived and no one knows. But they can’t condemn me for being as I am; she can’t hate me. Even I couldn’t live with that. I just want her to understand, to know, even though I’m leaving, that I love her.

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

It’s harder sometimes, keeping it inside. You can’t fight something that you won’t even show. And nobody can help you, they don’t even know you need it. Sometimes though, sometimes it shows through, and there’s truth amid the triviality. There’s emotion among the hellos and I’m fine, thank you.

If Buffy ever saw my truth, ever knew my heart…It’s something she can’t know, and won’t ever know. It’s a burden I have to carry myself. That’s my curse. Eternal torment.

And not even a human heart to carry it with.

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don’t care if the world understands me. I don’t care if they hate me or turn away from me. It hurts, but I’ve gone through much worse than that. I’ve lived hundreds of years without the world, I can survive.

It’s her I need.

The look in her eyes when she told me it was easy hurt more than all her words before that. That she believes it is easy for me, that is so painful. I can live with condemnation from all her friends, from everyone that’s ever seen me as the monster I am. But I can’t live with it from her.

This world wasn’t made to be right, or perfect. It’s hard and it hurts. I’ve lived in Hell here for so many years, until I met her. And now for her, without her, I will live in Hell again.

I just need her to know that it’s not easy, it’s never been easy.

I just need her to know that I love her.

The End