Good Night Journal

By Drew

Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, but they do belong to Joss Whedon and Company. please don't sue me. Please?


May 9th

I can’t believe I’m keeping a journal nowadays. I never used to. People say it’s a good way to work out your anger. I’m hoping it has the same effect on my other emotions. My pain, my sadness. God I miss her so much. I loved her so much. And she loved me, or so I think. They were her dying words. I still remember the night, just under two years ago. Two long years.

* * * * *

May 10th, 2001, 10:37 p.m.

“No...God Buffy you can’t leave me now.” Xander’s eyes puffed red with tears. He gripped her hand between the two of his. He knelt next to her body. Her eyes were closed as she lay on her back. Blood ran from a wound left on her stomach and part of her chest.

“You can’t leave. Not now. Not like this. We need to save Willow. Together. You know, me and you.” He spoke through tears which flowed from his eyes to his red cheeks.

“Xander...” Her voice was quiet, and very sweet. She brought her other hand up and pressed it against his cheek weakly. She opened her eyes slightly, tears forming inside of them.

“Buffy...you can’t...” She moved her hand from his cheek to rest her index finger on his lips, and calmly asked him to be quiet.

“Willow needs you. More than anything.” She looked into his eyes. “You can do this without me Xander.”

“But I don’t want to do it without you.” he said. “I love you.” He spoke quietly as his tears ceased for a moment.

She traced his cheek with her hand. “I love you too.” her voice was weak, and sounded as if those may be her final words. Xander’s tears had begun again, as he stared at her. Once strong and unbeatable, she lay there, next to him, dying.

“Buffy, I’m not going to let myself lose you. I can’t. Not after all this, you have to be here. For Willow...for me? You can’t just leave.” Her hand slipped from his cheek and rested gently on her chest. She looked up at him.

“I’m sorry Xander.” A few tears made their way onto her face. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice cracked, her throat was horse and her eyes swelled with the tears. “ I love you so much.” Her voice trailed off into her tears as her eyes closed, feeling another wave of pain shoot throughout her body.Xander bent over and pressed his lips gently to hers, and pulled away tenderly. “You can’t leave. Please don’t leave. The ambulance is on it’s way. It’ll take you to the hospital, and you’ll be all better.” her eyes closed as he spoke. Xander frowned struggling to hold back a cry of pain as her head slowly dropped to the pavement and turned to the side.

He stared at her, his eyes glistening with tears. “Don’t go...” He choked out, his voice soft, pleading with her not to leave him as tears rolled silently down his cheeks. “Please...” He said, wiping the tears from her face gently, then closed his eyes and bowed his head slightly. She was already gone

* * * * *

I still remember her words. She spoke them so softly. She was so weak. I miss her so much. I remember everything about her that night. Her face was pale, but still full of compassion. Her hair hung on her face. Her eyes, they were so beautiful.

Rupert visited me that night at the hospital. I had remained there long after the doctors and nurses had told me the truth. He visited me, and told me of Willow. He had found her, and had managed to return her safely. He had given me the only good news that I could remember that night, that week...that year.

* * * * *

May 11th, 2001, 01:14 a.m.

“Xander?” Giles asked as he placed his hand gently on the teens shoulder. He didn’t flinch. He turned his head slowly and stared at the slowly aging British librarian.

“I’ve heard, about Buffy. I’m...so sorry I couldn’t be there for her. For you both. But, I come bearing good news. Perhaps, the sole good news we’ll receive for a while to come.” The old man had come to look upon Buffy as a daughter in the last number of years. And now she was gone, but he wouldn’t let Xander see him grieve, that would come later.

Xander glanced back towards the floor once more, not caring. Nothing could be said, nothing could be done. He lost her, and all because he couldn’t protect her. “Oh?” he asked, pretending, poorly pretending, to care. His pathetic attempt to humor the older man seemed just that, pathetic. “What’s that?”

Giles pressed on his shoulder, causing the young man to finally look at him again.

“Willow.” The older man spoke. “She’s alive...and well.” Xander looked up at him, a little more hope was present on his tear stained face.

* * * * *

It was the only thing that kept me from just giving up. From stopping, and never, ever looking back. Willow was my best friend. Always. Even after everything that happened between us. We remained the best of friends. She kept me going that year. She even stopped me, from doing something...foolish. Something I regret to no end. We’re the only ones who know it ever took place. Congratulations journal, you’ve learned something new today.

* * * * *

October 16th, 2001

“What is this?” Willow asked harshly, as she raised a small needle.

“Willow...I..” Xander stuttered with his words as he sat on the edge of his bed. He didn’t expect her to come to his apartment. Not now, not tonight.

“Damn it Xander!” she yelled her hand jerking the needle she held in her hand. “What the Hell is this?”

“Willow...” He persisted. His tone making it obvious he didn’t want to talk about it. He looked at the floor as tears came to Willow’s face.

“Xander....what is this?” She asked, a tone of rage shining through her tiny voice.

“It’s morphine. A lot of it. I was...” He started quietly when his friend cut him off.

“And what were you going to do with it Xander?” She asked but didn’t expect to receive a reply. She tightened her grip on the needle and forced her eyes shut tightly for a moment, trying to make the tears stop. “What were you going to do Xander? What?!?” Tears flew from her eyes running furiously down her cheeks.

“I was going to kill myself Willow!!!! Are you happy now?!?!” He sprung to his feet from his sitting position. “I can’t stand it anymore. It’s my fault she’s gone! MY FAULT!!!” He screamed it, his tears also running quickly. “I can’t stand to see you hurt because you lost Buffy. I can’t stand seeing the look on Rupert’s face every time...EVERY time he looks at me!!” His voice cracked giving a shrill noise which crashed into a sob. He stopped, and took a breath letting his voice calm. “I can’t stand what it’s doing to myself Willow.” He forced his eyes shut gently as the tears forced their way through anyhow.

“Xander...” Willow’s voice calmed. “It’s not your fault...it’s no one’s fault.” She looked at her friend, then to the needle. She broke the tip of the needle and threw it in a trash can in the corner, and looking towards the open window she threw the needle as hard as she could. It flew from the window, and fell three stories to the ground.

“It’s not worth this Xander, you think you’d be doing us a favor? Xander...we love you. We’d never want to lose you,” she said quietly as she stared from the window, to him.

Xander opened his eyes again, looking on at his red headed friend. The stare continued a moment, before she ran to him, and threw her arms around his neck and took him into an embrace. He slowly realized, and returned the embrace.

“I’m so sorry...” he whispered, his tears still finding trail on his face.

“Don’t be,” Willow said quietly. “It’s not your fault.”

* * * * *

It was a hard time for me. Sure, I could try to justify what I tried to do. But why? I know how wrong it was. By taking my own life I would have caused more pain then I would have alleviated. I realized that night, that more people loved me than I thought. I at least had one. Rupert and I also had a long talk. Willow had taken it upon her self to tell Giles what happened. I was surprised when I heard the knocking, I was even more surprised when I answered it.

* * * * *

October 21st, 2001

“Rupert,” Xander said, his eyes opening in surprise. He saw his old librarian, and friend standing in his doorway. His aged face gave way to an expression of concern, and one of compassion.

“Xander. Willow informed me of the events several nights ago.” He lowered his glasses from his face and looked at the young man, who seemed not too long ago, to only be a boy. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Xander paused, looking at him. He didn’t know what to say, except for one thing.

“Yes....that would...help,” he said quietly, looking from the floor and back up to his friend.

* * * * *

We talked for what seemed like hours. Hell, it probably was. We talked, we even dove into a bottle of gin the old man had picked up on the way. Great times to be had with that man. He could always be counted on, to make me smile. To make me laugh, or to make me think. And remember.

That night we talked. About everything it seemed. We talked about my parents, the night Buffy killed the master...Buffy. Everything comes back to her. There’s nothing I can do to try to forget. To try to forgive. For a while, Rupert and Willow had me tricked. I did believe for a little while that it wasn’t my fault, that it was someone else’s fault.

* * * * *

April 29th, 2002

The graveyard was silent. Even the normal noises one would hear around a small town at night weren’t present. It was completely silent.Xander knelt at the tombstone. His fingers lightly tracing the words transcribed on it’s cold surface. He couldn’t push it past his mind.

Buffy Anne Summers. It stabbed at his heart, leaving a cold empty spot.

Xander’s attention turned when the odd silence of the night was broken by a noise behind him. He stood up quickly, spinning around, drawing a stake from his pants pockets. “You.” He spoke through clenched teeth.

He couldn’t believe he was here.

“One year. One God damn year and you don’t even stop by to pay your respects.” Xander’s words were harsh, but he meant it deep inside of him. “You loved her, and she loved you. No matter HOW much you didn’t deserve it.”

Angel’s eyes dropped to the ground, obviously feeling Xander’s words and taking them with pain.

“I had to leave,” was all he could manage to say. His regret and sorrow was evident.

“Yeah, well at least you could have said good-bye. You hurt her so much.”

“I know...” He started. “I couldn’t prevent it. She...she deserved better.”

“You’re damn right,” Xander said coldly. “She deserved better...she deserved much better. She deserved everything!” Xander looked down. “But even I couldn’t give that to her.”

Angel stared at him. He had left him a boy, he came back now, and saw something much different. He had aged, yes, but something else. The boy he knew had matured.

“You loved her didn’t you?” Angel asked looking at him. Xander slowly looked up from the ground to stare at the wayward vampire.

“Didn’t you?” Was all he could manage to ask, before laying a single white rose on the grave, and walking away.

* * * * *

I don’t think there’s a word to describe exactly how I feel. I loved her...I love her. I miss her, and I felt I couldn’t live without her. For a while she was my everything. She was my love, my pain, my laughter and my happiness. We were together. We were happy. I was able to make her forget about things that she didn’t deserve to have to think about, and we made each other happy.

* * * * *

November 8th, 2000

Laughter rang through a small, apartment room. It’s walls needed a new coat of paint, the floors could use new carpet. And the rats living in the walls needed to be fed. But still, happiness lit up the walls.

Buffy smiled wildly as she stared at him awaiting his next move.

“Wow Buff. You’re so jumpy,” Xander said confidently from his position next to her, seated on an ugly couch.

“Hmm...I wonder why?” the blond replied with mock curiosity. He leapt at her and tickled at her sides, smiling with her laughter. She batted at his hands until she finally managed to grab them, smiling wickedly.

“Uh oh...looks like you’ve got me beat,” Xander said, his tone sounded mischievous.

“Looks like it.” Buffy smiled and pulled him towards her, kissing him gently. They continued in the romantic embrace a moment longer before sitting up again, hand in hand.

She leaned herself into his chest and rest on him. She smiled and closed her eyes her head lay comfortably on his chest.

“Xander.” She started as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

“Hmm?” He questioned.

“Did you ever think...that it would be this way. I mean, when I...was with him?” All Xander could do to that was give an off smirk.

“This is what I’ve always dreamed of Buffy.” That’s all he could say. It was true though. She smiled again and raised her head, kissing him.

“I love you,” she said quietly as she lowered her head to his chest once more. Closing her eyes.

“I love you too...”

* * * * *

I wonder sometimes, how many people can say they’ve experienced true love? Then however, I wonder, who am I to judge, which is true love, and which
love is untrue. Was Buffy true? Was everything I felt for her, and everything she felt for me, was it all strong enough to be called true love? I’d certainly like to hope so.

* * * * *

April 14th, 2001

“Xander, what are you doing?” Buffy asked with a smile as she struggled to see under a black blindfold which had been placed over her eyes. She could feel his hands placed firmly on her back, guiding her, so as to not step on anything.

“You’re not overly patient are you?” he asked jokingly as he kissed her neck teasingly, causing her to giggle and squirm slightly.

“No, it’s just something about a blindfold and you...” she trailed off smirking as she came to a stop. “Can I take it off now?” she asked.

“Yes you may.” She took off the blindfold and saw a magnificent sight before her. The lights were dim, the table was dressed in a beautiful white cloth, covered with six white candles, all burning. A small black box lay in the middle of the table. Buffy narrowed her eyebrows as she looked at it. She slowly reached over and picked it up in her hand. After examining the box she opened it and let out a gasp.

“Oh my God...” she whispered quietly.

“Will you marry me?” Xander asked quietly as she spun around to look at him. She looked down at the ring, it was so beautiful. She looked back up at him and smiled, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Of course,” she whispered, her eyes gleaming with tears.

* * * * *

I see it you know. Every night before I go to sleep. Every morning when I wake up. It stays with me. It never leaves, it can’t leave. They gave it to me, the doctors I mean, when they had told me she had died. I wear it on a chain around my neck. I always keep it close to my heart. I wonder sometimes if she really loved me that much. I can’t help but wonder...who wouldn’t? You don’t get that lucky everyday.

But every time I see it, my faith in her feelings is renewed, not that it should ever be doubted. It’s like seeing this, piece of her. This ring, it makes me feel better. I feel as though she’s with me, and always will be with me, through whatever may come my way.

I often wonder if Buffy is the one who coaxed Willow into coming to my apartment on that night when I attempted to take my own life. I often wonder, if Buffy still watches over me, over all of us. Still protecting us, in death as she did in life.

I know now Buffy’s probably watching me write this, laughing at me. Saying how she never would have expected me to resort to talking to pieces of paper.

Well, I guess a guy needs to do what he needs to do. Ever since Rupert passed on two months ago, it’s been harder for me to talk to people. Especially Willow. She seems distant now. I think she wants to distance herself from me because she’s scared that I’ll end up with the same fate as Buffy, or Rupert. I think we need to talk.

I also think it is getting late. I must say, this interesting new concept of telling a book your feelings...really helps you get something out.

Good night journal. I hope to see more of you.

Alexander LaVelle Harris

Xander placed his pen on the table, and gently closed the black leather book. He picked it up and held it in his arms a moment, before placing it back onto the table. He stood and gently pushed his chair in under the desk. Walking towards the front door, he grabbed his jacket, and left.

The night sky was bitter, and cold. It attacked his senses as he walked down the street. He placed his hands in his pockets protecting them from the cold as he walked, not too much longer.

Coming to his destination, he hesitated before going in. With a sigh he walked under the sign, through the gates, and along the stone path. He walked for several minutes before he came to it. He stopped in mid step and stared at it for a moment. The words attacking his heart again. Buffy Anne Summers. He walked to the tombstone and knelt next to it.

As much as he wanted to say something, as much as he tried to talk, he couldn’t get a word out. A lump formed in his throat as he tried not to let himself cry.

Slowly, he reached out, and touched it. The cold stone made him chill down to his spine, but he didn’t stop. He gently traced the words written upon it. Suddenly pulling his hand away a single tear came from Xander’s eyes. He couldn’t help it, not this time.

He stood up and walked away, back into the night, towards home.The apartment was quiet ever since it happened. It was just Xander, alone in this place. He could still picture, her laughing, or smiling on the couch. He remembered the times they had spent talking for hours, about everything and anything possible, then he struggled not to cry when the memories became painful. He sat down on his bed and stared at the wall a moment, before deciding he needed to sleep.

He lifted his arms under his shirt and pulled out a chain, donning a diamond ring at the base. He lifted it to his face, and kissed it gently.

“I love you Buffy...” He whispered as he sat the ring onto an end table. He stared at it. It made him feel like she was with him, he missed her more than anything. He closed his eyes as he tried not to let tears make their way to his face, but he was too late. He sniffed in and opened his eyes again, and through blurred eyes he looked at the ring again. “I love you so much,” his voice trailed down as he lay back in his bed, turned off his reading lamp, and tried his best to fall asleep.

The End