Until I Find You Again

By Deanie

SPOILER WARNING: All the Angel and Buffy episodes, upcoming Angel series.
RATING: PG
CONTENT: More angst
SUMMARY: A year after their breakup, Angel thinks back on his relationship with Buffy and wonders if he made the right decision when he left.
FEEDBACK: Pretty please? I’m a feedback junkie! DeanieBTVS@aol.com

Disclaimer: Buffy and Angel don’t belong to me (although if Joss is willing to sell…) They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and the WB television network. I’m just borrowing them for a while…and they’ll be returned when I’m done putting them through the emotional wringer. I’m not making any money off of this, so don’t sue. No copyright infringement is intended.

I also don’t own "Until I Find You Again." It’s written by Richard Marx from the CDs "Flesh and Bone" and "Greatest Hits."

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is part eight in my "Bad Goodbye" series dealing with the Buffy and Angel breakup. It breaks from Buffy canon after the first scene in The Prom. Buffy and Angel didn’t break up in Prom, they broke up in my first story, "Still Holding On." Got it? Previous episodes in the series can be found at Buffy’s Passion (http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Stage/6190/buffyindex.html).

This story takes place months after their breakup. Angel has moved to L.A and is working at the detective agency.

Lately I've been trying
To fill up my days since you're gone
The speed of love is blinding
And I didn't know how to hold on

In the year since I left, I’ve searched for ways to fill the endless stretch of time before me. I’ve got the work at the detective agency. Saving souls as penance for my sins. But tonight, I just can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to go to work, to help other people find peace and happiness when I’m so miserable myself. Terribly selfish, I know…just one more thing I had to make amends for.

Tonight, I saw someone on the street – just a flash of blonde hair and a laughing smile. This stranger blindsided me, reminding me of memories I was futilely attempting to repress. The memories of Buffy that haunt my every waking moment. There are some days when I can live my life, concentrate on something other than her. There are times when I can focus on my purpose: saving lost souls. But tonight isn’t one of those nights.

In my life here, time moves at a crawling pace, like I’m trapped in a vortex where time moves slower than I had ever thought possible. No matter what I do or how many days pass, all I can do is think of her. Maybe being trapped in quicksand is a better analogy – I’m stuck here in one place, my thoughts repeating themselves day after day.

I never knew it was so hard to love someone and have to be apart. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing when I left her. She needed to move on, to have the kind of normal life I wasn’t capable of giving her. She could never reach her full potential, let her glorious light shine, with me holding her back in the darkness. I’ve been over this in my mind so many times. Maybe if I repeat it again I’ll start to believe it.

The phone rang, but I just let the machine pick up. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone to brood in peace.

"Angel. I know you’re there," grumbled Doyle. "I know you’re still home. Why aren’t you here? You can’t call in sick for work. You’re a vampire – you don’t get sick." He paused. "Get off the couch and pick up the phone. You can’t sit at home and brood all night. You have *work* to do. Places to go, people to save." He paused again. "Angel, *pick up the damn phone.*"

His voice was getting louder with each word, until I heard a click as he slammed down the phone. I should care…should pick up the phone and find out what poor lost soul I was to save, what unfortunate person desperately needed my help. But I don’t care. Tonight, I can’t bring myself to rise above my pain. I can’t tear myself away from my bittersweet memories.

Her love hit me so hard the first time I saw her. I thought love at first sight was an overused cliché, but it wasn’t. I loved her from my first glimpse of her brilliant beauty and her open heart. But having love, that alone isn’t always enough. I didn’t know how to hold onto her love, how to make our relationship all right. We had so many problems, so many formidable obstacles to overcome…But above all, I couldn’t make her share the torment that will always be my life. She deserved someone so much better than me. I had to keep telling myself that. If I didn’t believe she was better off without me, I would turn around and run back to her arms.

My mind won't clear
I'm out of tears
My heart's got no room left inside

Alone, I’m living without my heart. It belongs to her – always has, always will. I’d never loved anyone before. Even before we met, before I ever saw her, part of me was saving my heart for her, my soulmate. She was my destiny. And I consciously gave her up.

What’s left of my heart is swollen with all the tears I’ve shed. People say real men aren't supposed to cry. It doesn't matter: without her I can’t help myself. And now there are no more tears left. I can’t cry any more. I can barely feel anything except this massive grief. I’m at the point where feeling nothing – feeling numb – would be bliss, but I can’t let myself get to that bliss. If I did, it would be like denying her existence, because all of my feelings, both good and bad, are about her. My love and my heartache are all I have now that tie me to her.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by
Until I find you again?

How long can I go on like this? I’m even more pathetic than before Whistler called me to help her. I have an apartment, and a job, and I’m doing good, not evil. I’m fighting demons. But inside I’m a mess, because none of it matters…without her, my life is meaningless…

The phone rang again. "Angel, it’s Kate. Are you home? I stopped by the detective agency, but Cordelia said you weren’t coming into work tonight, you were sick or something. But I have this case I really need to talk to you about. And…" she hesitated. "Cordelia sounded worried about you. And Doyle said you were just home brooding again. Dwelling on your problems isn’t going to help anything." She stopped, taking a deep breath. "Look, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. I’m your friend, and I’m ready to listen." She paused again. Maybe she was hoping I’d pick up the phone. "Call me." And she hung up.

Kate…in another time or place we might have been a couple. But after knowing Buffy, all other women pale in comparison. Still, Kate was beginning to be a good friend. But she had no idea about my life, about my relationship with Buffy. She could never understand. Maybe that’s it for me. Buffy was the great love of my life and I had to leave her behind. Now I’m destined to be alone.

The more time that passes by I’m starting to think that I made the wrong decision. Maybe I was wrong to leave her, ripping her life apart, shredding her heart. I did what I thought was best, but how could I know? Was I trying to fight destiny by keeping us apart? Did I throw away my one chance for true happiness and true love? Have I needlessly condemned myself to a life of utter loneliness?

Will the arms of hope surround me?
Will time be a fair-weather friend?
Should I call out to angels
Or just drink myself sober again?
I can't hide, it's true
I still burn for you
Your memory just won't let me go

When I regained my soul after the first gypsy curse, I tried everything I could to forget the pain. I tried to drink myself into an alcoholic stupor. It had worked before I changed…helping me forget what a disappointment I was to my parents and how I could never live up to their expectations. But it didn’t work when I got my soul back – nothing could dull the pain – so eventually I gave up.

But this time, I couldn’t do it. If I reverted to the wretched creature I had been before I met her, it would have been like denying her existence. I had to keep on the way I had been, keep being the person she wanted me to be. I had changed for her, so reverting back would be rejecting her. I couldn’t do that.

Despite all of our time apart, my heart still burns for her. Even though it seems almost impossible, I love her more now than the day I left. I still feel the uncontrollable passion deep in my soul. I can’t forget her, no matter how much time passes, no matter how hard I try. Hundreds of years from now, long after she’s gone, I will still be hers, forever. I will love her for all eternity. She doesn’t even know it, but she won’t let me go.

The phone rang again. But this time it wasn’t Doyle or Kate. "Angel," Cordelia said. "Please pick up the phone. I’m not going to lecture you on your mission in life or scold you for not coming in to work tonight." She paused, and her voice got softer. "I’m worried about you. You’re just sitting there in your lonely, empty apartment thinking about Buffy and how much you miss her." Her voice got firmer as she continued. "It’s not healthy, Angel. You can’t keep dwelling on the past. Please, pick up the phone." Her voice was almost pleading now. "Just let me know that you’re all right." She sighed. "Call me, Angel, please." And she hung up.

I should call Cordelia. My moods worry her. I think she believes one of these nights I’ll just give up, stay outside until morning and walk into the sun. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. Living without Buffy is almost more than I can bear sometimes. But I can’t give up until I’ve made amends; and with my past, that could take an eternity. And I can’t give up while Buffy is alive. While she’s still breathing there’s a chance --one I won’t let myself hope for – that we could be together again.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by
Until I find you again?

I’m just pretending that I’m okay alone. I’m not. I’m miserable without Buffy. I hope she’s been able to get on with her life, to move on…No, I really don’t. The altruistic part of my nature that wanted her to have a normal life hopes she had, but most of me, the part that still loves her, hopes she wasn’t able to get over me any more than I could get over her. The selfish part of me hopes that she still loves me the way I love her.

I'd hold you tighter
Closer than ever before
Yeah
No flame would burn brighter
If I could touch you once more
Hold you once more

Should I go back to Sunnydale? Should I go back and see how she’s doing? If she’s been able to forget me and go on with her life, I could leave her alone and just go on with my lonely, miserable existence. But if she hasn’t…we could be together again.

If she were mine once more I’d hold her so tight…I’d never let go of her love. I would learn to accept that we are each other’s destiny. Even if I don’t deserve her, she’s mine eternally. If we were together again, I wouldn’t hold back so much. I’d give her all of the love that’s in my heart and my soul. If I could only hold her one more time…let her know I couldn’t really forget her…that I never wanted to let her go again.

I get up, grabbing the keys to the convertible, heading for the door. If I hurried, I still had time to make it to Sunnydale before dawn.

Halfway out the door I stopped. Would going back to Sunnydale be a mistake? Is it better for me to stay away from her? I know that I’ll never be able to get over her and go on with my life, but maybe she’s better off without me. She’s fine on her own. She's Buffy, the strongest person I've ever known.

I put my car keys back on the table by the door. I can’t do that to her, go back and stir up her life again. She’s moving on, and I don’t have the right to interfere with her new life. After our one phone conversation she said she didn’t want to hear from me again.

So I sit back down, lost in thought, ignoring the phone as it rings again. I can’t go back, so I’ll just have to find some way to let go of this dream.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by, until I find you again?
'Till I find you again