Authors Note/Warning: This is a P/C story that was written on insomnia stricken nights usually after listening to one too many songs on the radio, one too many conversations with a 6 year old genius, and a rather ummm...unique...trip up the mountains. It is completely character driven. I thought I'd try my hand (or at least the two fingers I type with ) at a bit (slight bit) of angst.... Consider yourself warned. Comments are not only extremely welcome, but are craved. I'm completely clueless about what I write and have absolutely no idea if it's good or bad. I don't care if you only have two words to say, or you are reading this from some long forgotten archive, I'd love to hear what you think. O...and while I do confess to using words that you won't find in any dictionary (except my own personal one) I would just like to say that we English do spell some things a little differently so please don't ask if I ever use a spellchecker. I do, it's just the UK version.
--R.A. Heinlein
Special Thanks: Sully for convincing me that sudden bouts of clarity at three in the morning are perfectly normal (well for me anyway), and AS, for not being like the guy in the story. Finally to all my friends for doloping mint frosting on me when things look bleak (which means I'm in danger of drowning in it most of the time) and for threatening slow and painful torture to keep me writing. Maybe I shouldn't thank you guys for that... :O)
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is a slightly wild horse and a vivid imagination so Paramount must own the rest of the good stuff. Go ahead take me to court, I'll plead insanity. Individuals may print this or pass it around for their amusement, but please keep my name and this header attached at all times.
Part I
"There are times when we must sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth..."
--Václav Havel
For what must have been the hundredth time that night Beverly turned over and for the hundredth time tried to force herself to sleep. For the hundredth time she failed. She reached across the bed before she remembered that there was no one there. No one to hold her and tell her everything would be all right. *And if you don't stop pushing Jean-Luc away there never will be,* a little voice in the back of her mind whispered. *You're going to lose him if you don't stop,* the voice persisted, as it had more and more often these days.
Trying to ignore the officious little voice Beverly pushed herself up and sat leaning against the pillows. Reaching over she taped the panel on the table by the bed. The lights came up and she instantly wished they hadn't. She often found light to be an intrusion, poking its way in and making her see things she didn't want to see. Like, for instance, now when it was filling the room, reaching the table in the corner on which lay the book Jean-Luc had lent her a few weeks ago. She still hadn't gotten around to reading it. There were a lot of things she hadn't gotten around to. Had been too busy. Just as she had been to busy for breakfasts and dinners with him. She tapped the panel again, only with more annoyance this time. Damn light. She didn't want to think about Jean-Luc. She knew that if she started thinking about him she wouldn't be able to stop. Then she would for certain be up all night. But it was too late.
Annoyed with herself Beverly pushed off the covers and snatched up her robe. She needed something to drink. As she walked to the replicator in the dim light of the rubber-band stars she pulled the robe on letting it hang loosely on the crooks of her arms, but when she got to the replicator she only stood there staring at it. She thought of Jean-Luc and how he was forever saying 'Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.' *I wonder if he's still awake,* she thought idly. Then without truly realising it she left her quarters and headed for Jean-Luc's. Her mind, suddenly becoming aware of where her body was headed, protested but her body stubbornly carried her to his door, and before she realised it she had pushed the chime.
Jean-Luc, who had been reading in the dim light of his quarters in an effort to relax, was surprised to hear the door chime at such a late hour. He walked to the door mumbling about disturbances and lack of consideration for others. With all the stress he had been under lately preparing for their next mission it was no wonder he wasn't in the greatest of moods. He tied his robe closed and pushed the button to open the door. He was surprised, and rather pleasantly at that, to find Beverly standing at his door looking down at her bare toes. His mood changed instantly. He smiled inwardly noticing the careless way her robe, hanging open as it was, fell off her shoulders to reveal the little satin night-dress underneath.
Beverly looked up from her toes almost surprised to see him and said, "Jean-Luc...I didn't wake you did I?" She seemed not to notice the way he was staring at her.
"No, I was just reading," he replied after a slight delay. She was very distracting standing there with her robe hanging open and a good deal of her creamy skin showing.
"I can't sleep. Would you mind if I came in for a bit?" She chose to look at his collarbone rather than the curious look she knew would be on his face.
Another delay before he managed, "Not at all. Please come in." He stepped aside to allow her passage. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked walking to the replicator.
"Some tea please," she said, knowing he would order his Earl Grey in the way she had just been thinking about only moments ago. She couldn't help but smile as she listened to him say it standing there in his robe which she knew he would only have a pair of pyjama shorts on underneath. Ridiculous fantasies began playing themselves out in her head and she nearly laughed out loud at herself. She could just see the look on his face if she began to act one out. Beverly then suddenly became aware of her own appearance. Blushing slightly she hastily pulled her robe up onto her shoulders, tied it loosely around her waist, and brushed a few strands of unruly red hair into the satisfactory state of being out of her eyes.
When Jean-Luc turned back to her and handed her the little glass of tea he was a little disappointed to find she had straightened out her appearance. His heart however was still beating quite a bit faster than usual, but then it always did that when she was around. They sat down on the couch, Beverly with her legs tucked underneath her and Jean-Luc slumped down a little with his head leaning back on the top of the couch and his eyes closed. Beverly always took opportunities like this to study his face without having to worry what he might think she was thinking. He was so...beautiful... Without giving the action much thought she rested her head on his chest leaning against him.
Jean-Luc opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. Lifting his head slightly he glanced down a Beverly. Deciding not to make anything of it he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again before saying, "Is there any particular reason you can't sleep tonight?"
"Just lonely I guess," she said, surprising both herself and Jean-Luc with this little bit of truth so bluntly said.
He raised his head and slid an arm around her shoulders pulling her close. Feeling relieved by his show of understanding Beverly snuggled up even closer to him.
"We all get lonely sometimes," he said softly.
"Even the great Captain Jean-Luc Picard?" she asked, half jokingly.
He sighed heavily, missing the playfulness in her voice. "Especially the great Captain Jean-Luc Picard." He hadn't exactly meant to say it, but there it was.
Caught off guard Beverly lifted her head and tried to catch his eyes to see if there was any truth there, but he avoided her gaze choosing instead to stare at his tea on the table in front of them. She laid her head back down and he could feel her hand slowly make its way into his. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. "At least we have each other," she said softly.
"Do we?" he asked seriously.
Beverly made a sound that resembled a nervous laugh. "Of course we do. We're best friends aren't we?"
"But don't you ever want more than that?" He was venturing out on the limb even though he expected it to break.
*Of course I do. I want more than that every time I look at you, every time I think about you,* she thought, but she said nothing. Jean-Luc had taken his arm from around her and sat up looking at her expectantly. After a long moment she let out a sigh and, with a jab from that officious little voice, finally spoke. The truth came pouring out like water from a broken glass. "My whole life I've always fought so hard for what I've wanted, but now what I want I can't get by fighting. I can see everything I've ever dreamed of here in your eyes, and now to get what I want...what I need, I have to surrender, but I'm not sure I can." She paused watching him...looking at him...into him, and suddenly it seemed so clear. She spoke the thoughts aloud as she worked them out in her head. "I've spent such a lot of time thinking about what might have been that I've forgotten that it could still be. Still, most of me is scared to death sitting here tonight. I guess I'm just afraid that if I rush in I might frighten you or myself away. I've always come by caution honestly..." she paused, as if surprised at what she found inside her own head, "...but there's this little part of me that says you are a chance that I have to take. I can't lose you Jean-Luc, I....I love you."
Saying it was like letting out a deep breath that had been held far too long, and startled though she was at herself she was glad she had said it. It was getting to be too much keeping it all hidden away inside.
Jean-Luc however, stared at her as if she were a three eyed zebra speaking Portuguese with some of the letters left out. She had taken him completely by surprise. She had been so distant lately and now....now this. His mind went completely blank, collapsing under the weight of her expectations...of his own expectations. It was so easy to want it when he wasn't faced with getting it. Now that everything he wanted was there before him he found he didn't know how to react. He tried to say something, anything, but his mouth refused to form the words and so he just stared.
Beverly, for her part, felt her stomach turn and tighten to a hard knot. She felt her face grow red under Jean-Luc's gaze and started to regret what she had just said and cursing whatever part of her had forced her to come, but once you confess something to someone they've got a piece of you and you can never get it back. *Just give him a moment and he'll say 'I love you too,'* she thought frantically. But seconds seemed to be taking hours, time slowed down the way it always does when it's supposed to be clipping along at a good pace, and her mind was growing more and more frantic and refusing any real rational thought. She began reassessing her entire relationship with him. Somewhere, in the entire spectrum of what a relationship could mean, should mean, she knew she was losing and a lifetime full of promise fell from her eyes. She leapt off the couch as if it had grown suddenly hot, spilling her tea in the process, and ran for the door.
For a moment Jean-Luc simply sat staring dumbly. Then it seemed to suddenly hit him what had just happened and he sprang for the door and ran after Beverly.
When Jean-Luc finally reached Beverly's quarters the door was locked. "Beverly let me in, I need to talk to you." There came no response. "Please Beverly, let me in." Again no response. It never occurred to his tired confused mind to use his override and so for ten minutes he stood outside her door pleading to be let in. Frustrated and angry with himself, as well as Beverly, he finally stormed back down the corridor to his own quarters causing a young ensign who had been working late to make a hasty retreat in the opposite direction of where he had been heading.
"It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak and another to hear."
--Henry David Thoreau
Part II
It was two days before he actually spoke to her because for two days whenever he tried to talk to her she feigned business and hurried away from him mumbling curse words under her breath. So it was a surprise when late one night, when he was sitting in the observation lounge feeling sorry for himself, that she came and stood just inside the doorway looking as if she had something to say. He had by this time grown rather angry with her and confused the anger he felt at himself to be more anger towards her. He turned his back to her and looked out the window before asking, "Is there something I can do for you Doctor?"
His show of displeasure with her did not go unnoticed and only served to solidify her decision. "I have come to request permission to leave the ship."
Jean-Luc spun around in his chair and jumped up. "What!?"
Beverly suddenly realised how it had sounded. "I have quite a bit of accumulated vacation time and I would like to make use of it. I am requesting permission for three weeks shore leave on the nearest hospitable planet," she clarified.
It took a moment for Jean-Luc to get his mind settled. The thought of Beverly leaving the ship had frightened him to say the least. "But you can't leave. Not now."
"The ship will be on a simple diplomatic mission for at least a month, and the CMO is not needed for such a mission. I'm sure Dr. Selar can handle anything that may come up."
"But Beverly what about-"
"About what Jean-Luc?" Her eyes were blazing, daring him to speak.
His own temper was beginning to rise. "Can't I at least explain?" His voice was loud and rough.
"Explain what Jean-Luc? The way I see it there is nothing to explain. Everything was made quite clear the other night." She was now yelling. Her cheeks were flushed and tears were stinging her eyes and threatening to spill down them.
"But Beverly I -"
"Don't Jean-Luc. Don't even try to make excuses. I know how you feel. Leading me on all this time and playing your sick little games with me. Well I've had it Jean-Luc Picard. I'm done being your amusement, and whether it's granted or not I'm leaving this damned ship." With that she turned and stormed out of the lounge leaving a stunned and angry Jean-Luc Picard in her wake.
"Fine then, go! See if I give a damn!" he yelled as the doors swished closed.
Part III
"The truth may be easier to run from, but the harder you run the harder it runs and someday it will catch up with you."
-- :O)
Beverly had left early the next morning taking a shuttlecraft and heading for Selenda IV, a small planet only eight hours away. She had spent the entire shuttle ride brooding over Jean-Luc and getting herself angrier than ever. *You shouldn't be so mad at him,* that officious little voice spoke up. *You should have given him more time.* Beverly was really beginning to hate that voice, especially since it was always right. However, her biggest fears about starting a relationship with Jean-Luc had come true. She was humiliated and deeply hurt. And so when the shuttle finally touched down on Selenda IV she was only too happy to be away from him. All she wanted to do was relax and get busy forgetting it had ever happened.
Taking her bag Beverly stepped out of the shuttle and into the cold mountain air. She stretched before crunching across the snow and into a tiny cabin with 'office' written across the door. Inside a handsome man with dark hair sat leaning back in a chair with his feet propped up on the desk before him. He was reading and didn't look up as Beverly stomped the snow off her boots. "Excuse me....," she said walking up to the desk.
"What doya want?" he asked still not looking up.
"I contacted you about a cabin yesterday."
"Oh yeah, yer that doctor then." He flipped a card in her general direction and said, "That's yer key. The cabin's 'bout a mile up the mountain from here. I'd get walkin' now if I were you. It'll be dark soon."
"Thanks." Her voice was laced with sarcasm.
The man looked up at the sound of annoyance in her voice ready to see if she dare have a problem with him, but he forgot what he was going to say when he looked at her. He had never seen a more beautiful woman in his entire life. Jumping up he held out his hand to her. "By the way mu name's Andy."
Beverly hesitated before offering her own hand, but smiled at him as he pulled it up to his lips and kissed it. "Hello Andy."
"How 'bout I walk you to yer cabin?" His voice was now warm and inviting.
"I think I can make it alone."
"Nonsense. C'mon I'll carry your bag for ya."
Beverly wasn't to thrilled with the idea, but then she thought of Jean-Luc. "Thank you, I'd like that."
Half an hour later they arrived at a small cabin set back against the mountain and surrounded by trees that closely resembled pines, but had more of a bluish colour than green. "Well this is it," Andy said opening the door. "It's the best cabin I got and one of the only one's with a replicator. We don't have all that technology. We live simple here." He dropped Beverly's bag on the overstuffed couch in front of the fireplace. "It's secluded just like you wanted. Closest cabin is the office we just come from and there's one 'bout a mile over to the west, but we don't get many visitors on this side of the planet this time of year. In fact yer the only guest we got."
Beverly looked around the cosy little cabin and was quite pleased. "This is just what I had in mind." She smiled at Andy.
"Hey, how 'bout I make you a nice fire? There's a woodpile over on the side of the cabin."
"That would be great, thanks."
"Hey, no problem."
Beverly pulled her coat off and settled herself on the couch while Andy built a fire. When he was done he dropped down on the couch next to her. She glanced over at him wondering just what he thought he was doing. "So what's a pretty lady like you doing out here all alone?" he asked leaning back and laying his arm across the top of the couch behind Beverly.
She shifted uncomfortably. "Just wanted to get away from things for a while."
"Now what would you have to get away from?" His fingers stretched out to brush against her shoulder.
Beverly stood up. "Look Andy I'm really tired maybe you should be going now."
"Hey I just got here." He stood and lay a hand on her arm. "Don't you want some company?" he asked stepping closer to her.
"Please, I just want to be left alone."
"When you could have me for company?" He pulled her closer and touched her cheek.
"Please Andy, I...." She let the sentence go unfinished and found herself stepping closer to him. He smiled warmly and ran the backs of his fingers down her cheek. Sometimes it's easier to find something to help you forget your problems instead of dealing with them. Beverly began to lose herself in his dark eyes and didn't pull away when he kissed her. She began kissing him back. She didn't know why she was doing it, but what she was doing sure beat what she was going through.
Eventually Andy pulled away. He smiled a smile that reminded Beverly of Will Riker and headed for the door. "How 'bout I come check up on ya tomorrow night? Maybe have some dinner?"
Beverly just looked at him wide eyed and nodded, too stunned at herself to reply.
Part IV
News travels fast on a starship and it wasn't long before word of the fight between the Captain and CMO got around. Deanna Trio had been eating a chocolate sundae in Ten Forward when she overheard two young ensigns. 'Yeah he was walking through the corridor in his robe. Looked real pissed to,' one of the them was saying. 'Hey, I'd be pissed too if my would be girlfriend wouldn't let me in,' the other replied. Deanna left her ice-cream and headed for the bridge.
She found Captain Picard just as she knew she would; sitting behind his desk and nursing a cup of Earl Grey with his bottom lip stuck out ever so slightly as it always did when he wasn't getting his way. He didn't look at all happy to see her. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about sir?" she asked hoping he wouldn't make things difficult as he usually did.
"No Counsellor there really isn't," he said as he stood and waved her away.
Unperturbed by his nasty mood Deanna persisted. "I heard about the fight. Don't you want to talk about it?"
"No, I don't."
"Well I do." She sat herself down in the chair opposite his. Picard sighed heavily realising that she had no intention of leaving until it was all out. He dropped back down into his chair. "She said she loves me," he said simply.
Deanna's eyes widened in surprise and a smile broke out on her face. It quickly faded when she saw the look on the captain's face. "Well what happened?"
"I was completely surprised. I never expected her to say it, not then. I didn't say anything. I tried, but...well nothing came out when I opened my mouth." As he thought about it he slowly began to see Beverly's point of view. "Before I managed to say anything she was gone. I went after her, but she refused to speak to me. Then last night she came and requested shore leave. I tried to tell her...to explain, but we were both angry and she left." He gave Deanna an almost desperate look, his eyes pleading with her the way a child's do when he wants his mummy to make everything all better. And that's exactly how he felt, like a helpless child who had broken his beloved toy and didn't know how to fix it.
"You love her don't you?" It was a dumb question to ask. The answer was so obvious it screamed.
Picard just looked at her wondering why she had to ask questions with obvious answers.
Deanna didn't miss the look. "Then you must go after her. Straighten everything out and tell her how you feel."
He stared at her as if she had suggested he go have a cup of tea with Cardassians. The idea frightened him to some extent. "Counsellor I can't just up and leave the ship on the way to a diplomatic mission." It didn't make for a very good excuse.
"Couldn't Commander Riker do it?"
Picard was quiet for a moment struggling with his sense of duty and what he really wanted to do. He shook his head, his eyes distant, and said in a vague voice, "No....No. I have duties to perform," more out of expected response than anything else. In truth he had made no real decision.
Deanna could sense his struggle and wanted very much to give him that extra little shove he needed, but she was afraid that if she pushed him to hard that would be the end of it. Instead she just nodded and slipped unnoticed out of the room leaving Picard to come to his own decision.
Part V
There was a soft knock on the door and at first Beverly didn't hear it. When it became louder she jumped slightly, startled. She then put down her book and glanced out the window as she went to the door. It was nearly dark. She hadn't realised it had gotten so late. Beverly opened the door to the smiling face of Andy.
*******
While Beverly Crusher was having a lovely candlelit dinner with a charming man, light-years away Jean-Luc Picard sat in his silent quarters poking restlessly at the food on his plate. While Beverly was sipping wine which Andy had brought and laughing at his stories, Jean-Luc was taking large gulps of Sorian Brandy and arguing with himself about what the right thing to do would be. And when Andy's lips on hers were quickly making Beverly thankfully forget her problems, Jean-Luc fell into bed alone and frustrated.
*******
It wasn't until around three in the morning that Jean-Luc Picard finally came to the decision that he had known all along was right (despite what the duty filled disciplined part of his mind argued). Besides what did discipline get him anyway? Sure he loved his job and was a great success, but what did it matter if you didn't have anyone to share those successes with? What did it matter when there was no one to celebrate with, no one to say 'I knew you could do it!'? And so the decision to go to Beverly and beg for forgiveness and understanding was made.
*******
"And don't forget to..."
"Station security officers outside each of the four doors. Don't worry sir, I'm sure everything will go fine. You've briefed me to death." Will Riker flashed his captain a reassuring smile.
"Thanks Will, I owe you."
"Your leaving is thanks enough sir." Funny...that had sounded right in his head....
Picard stopped stuffing things into his bag and raised an eyebrow at his first officer.
Riker suddenly realised how that sounded and said, "Well you know what I mean sir."
"Uh huh."
"It's just that I've thought you and Beverly belonged together for so long and I'm glad to see you've finally come to your senses." Picard's eyebrow rose a little farther and Riker tried to pry his foot out of his mouth yet again. "Some people are just fools when it comes to this sort of thing. No wait, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that...."
"I get the point Will." Jean-Luc looked around to see if there was anything else he needed. Deciding he had enough he closed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "I guess that's it then. Deanna made the reservations?"
"Yes, you have a cabin all waiting for you." Riker could see the hesitance in Picard's eyes. Fearing his captain was having second thoughts Will clapped Picard on the back and said, "I'm sure everything will turn out fine," and steered him out the door practically shoving him down the corridor.
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