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The second part to Full of Grace. I wasn't going to continue this piece originally but I got an idea one night and it wouldn't go away. So here is the second part, at last. I already have the names for the next two (and last two) of this series and the plot but nothing else....:|
Neelix wasn’t sure what made him go back to the messhall, but here he was having had the sudden urge to go cook. He shrugged it off along with other quirks in life he didn’t get, but just accepted them with the knowledge that some things just didn’t need looking into. They just were.
He’d always enjoyed cooking and to have the privileged position of cook on Voyager was something he took pride in. It wasn’t the first time he’d get up in the middle of the night with a new recipe in mind or just the urge to go and create. It was an art form that he was glad to be able to perform. An art of quisine. But also the most important part of Voyager in its present situation and not something he took lightly.
As he entered the dark room it struck him that something wasn’t quite right but nothing was obviously out of the ordinary as he tottered in to the gallery. Bending down he fumbled among the multitude of pots and pans knowing that the object of his search *was* down there....somewhere. It was when he stood up straight again, a look of utter satisfaction on his face, that he noticed the smell. His nostrils quivered slightly, picking up a scent that he wasn’t accustomed to having in his messhall. Alcohol. He wasn’t averse to using the odd snippet, but since he had flamed his eyebrows a while back he had been very wary of using it again.
He peered over in the shadows at the far side of the room. He hadn’t put the light on when he came in because he was knew where everything was and the light from the gallery would be enough for his experimentation. Spotting a suspicious lump in the far corner he requested half illumination and was surprised to see what appeared to be a figure. He walked out from behind the counter still holding his small saucepan and was even more surprised to see that the figure was lying on the floor between the chair and the viewport. Funny place to lie, thought Neelix as he drew nearer.
As he noticed the mop of blond hair and the red of the uniform realisation as to the identity of the figure dawned on Neelix and he rushed forward. The alcohol smell was much stronger. Neelix knew about Tom’s perchance for alcohol in his past and hoped that he hadn’t succumbed to the temptation again. Tom had once confided in him about his reliance on the substance in his past, a trust that Neelix hadn’t taken lightly.
Gingerly reaching out a hand he felt Tom’s cheek, it was cold. He recoiled slightly and immediately reached for his comm badge.
“Neelix to sickbay, I’ve got a problem in the messhall. I think Tom might have...hurt himself.”
The next few moments were a blur for Neelix. A couple of seconds later a medic team arrived and Tom was beamed to sickbay. Not knowing what he should do he hurried to a turbolift and went to sickbay after them.
When the doors opened in front of him he was met with a flurry of activity. The Doc was stood over a biobed where Tom was laid out, busily touching consoles and muttering something incoherent to himself. To the side standing at a distance was the Captain, Tuvok and Chakotay. They had gotten there in a hurry as uniforms had obviously been slung on in a hurry. Neelix quietly walked over to stand next to them. His view of Tom was clearer now and he could see he was still unconscious. Above him the Doc’s expression was one of grim determence.
“Neelix?” A quiet voice broke his observations.
“Captain.” The Captain was looking at him softly. “Come into the doctors office, you too gentlemen.” Tuvok followed her while Chakotay hesitated and followed a moment later. Neelix spared a glance for the Commander and it struck him that his expression was somewhat pre-occupied. Only to be expected he thought sadly, glancing back over at Tom.
Once inside the Captain looked at them all, weariness showing on her face. “I don’t know whether you were aware Neelix, but one of the medics found this padd on the table beside Tom.” She placed it carefully on the desk. “I’ve read it quickly and....” Her voice caught slightly before she hurriedly carried on. “It would seem that Tom wanted...tried to...kill himself.”
Neelix’s mouth dropped open. He looked at Tuvok but he saw no outward sign of shock, but then the Vulcan didn’t show any emotion anyway. He noticed that the Commander seemed to have gone pale though and a few moments later had to pull up the Doc’s chair and sit down. “But why?” It was the only thing Neelix could manage to voice.
“I’m not sure Neelix.” The Captain’s voice was soft. “He writes in this padd that he feels he let everyone down, that he failed us.” She paused. “That in the past people had just walked away when he....screwed up, but here we couldn’t....so he took the decision for us.” She turned away and looked through the glass partition at the still figure beyond. “The Doc says he used a drug called ?, which he seems to have ingested with almost a full bottle of Scotch.” She paused to rub her temple. “He doesn’t know whether we got there in time. The drug’s action was speeded up by the alcohol, but it seems Tom knew that. At the moment he’s trying to slow down the damage its doing and done. But he’s not....optimistic.” She looked up at them, her eyes drifting to the Commander sat with his head in his hands. She paused. “Chakotay, I think you should read what Tom wrote, there was a section there for you.”
The Commander raised his head slowly to stare at the padd that lay on the desk. With a silent nod the Captain gestured Tuvok and Neelix to leave. She turned back to look at Chakotay who was staring at the padd as if it would suddenly burst into flames.
“I left it too late didn’t I?” His voice was so quiet Janeway had to strain to catch it.
“Maybe.” It wasn’t the best thing to say but she couldn’t lie. Not now. “Maybe not. The Doc is working on him and you know what he’s like. He won’t give it anything less than his best.” She moved over to place a hand on his shoulder. “But if he does pull through this he’s going to need someone strong there to help him survive this.” She took a breath. “Read it Chakotay.” With that she left to go back into the main area.
Chakotay warily picked up the padd. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His mind was whirling, but his feelings and emotions felt almost deadened. Lifting his reluctant eyes, he brought them to rest on the words before him.
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This bits for Chakotay. I probably shouldn’t write this but if I’m not going to be here I guess it won’t matter much really. I’d prefer if no-one else read this, for Chakotay’s sake, I don’t want anything I write here to come back and haunt him, it wouldn’t be fair and its not what I want.
Okay Chakotay, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing something to you in my, suicide note. God it feels weird writing that. Well, anyway, I needed to write you something, tell you something. I know I could have recorded this but I don’t think I could have composed myself enough to get through it. At least like this I don’t have to face you. Cos, that’s something I don’t think I could have done. Don’t think I’ve ever been able to, not properly.
Anyway I needed you to know this after I’m gone, I never had the courage to tell you before, it was never the right time for us I don’t think, there always seemed to be something in the way. But I need you to know how I feel, to understand a few things.
I love you. Three simple words aren’t they? I’m not sure how long it took me to realise what they meant or that that was the way I feel. Too long. I’ve accepted it now, along with the fact I know you’ll never feel that way about me. That’s what this letter is about. Not about guilt or blame but about acceptance and truth. I’ve never made it easy for you, or anyone really and I apologise, I never meant to be like that. But I suppose that’s me and that’s something else I have accepted in my own way. Even if others hadn’t.
I’m sorry I made it hard on everyone and I’m sorry I screwed up, but most of all I’m sorry about the way we worked out. Cause I know it could have been better than this. Than it was. In another time and place we could have been good, we could have been great. But as usual I screwed it up. That’s why its better this way. You see everyone in the past had a choice you know, they left, they could leave. Nobody has a choice here so I’m taking that choice for them.
I just had to let you know, I couldn’t live with the afterlife, or wherever, knowing that I never told you that. That would be the one regret I don’t want to leave. I know you will never feel the same about me, I can see it in yours eyes. If I had the strength and courage that I used to maybe I would have tried harder, pushed a little further, but that wouldn’t have been fair on you, and I’m so tired Chakotay, so tired. Everything worn out, there nothing left anymore. I know I’m taking the easy way out but that’s been the story of my life hasn’t it? I can’t change now, but I can’t live the way I am. So I know its better this way.
I’m sorry Chakotay, but I hope somewhere in your heart you’ll forgive me.
Tom
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Sat at the desk, Chakotay couldn’t move. Every muscle, every fibre, every cell screamed out for release, but he sat frozen, unable to send any coherent message to any part of his body. The need to shout, o scream, to cry....to think, came all at once and so his mind made the only choice it could - do nothing. Almost catatonic he waited until his brain could process a thought from start to finish, before he eventually dragged his eyes from the text that he couldn’t believe he had just read. The first gasp he inhaled was sharp and tore at his throat, an almost hiccuped breath that startled him. Shocked out of his stupor he glanced around him widely, rubbing a hand over his eyes and face.
How could they have missed it? All the self-hatred, not obvious but subtle, beneath the surface. The almost total lack of self-esteem and low opinion of himself. Gods how blind could they have been? How blind could *he* have been? So blond, so stupid, so ignorant. Stubborn for refusing to believe what was there in front of his eyes. Hiding behind a blanket of safety, keeping his emotions safe and protected. Now his stubbornness had probably cost Tom his life.
He placed the padd on the desk carefully as though it were precious glass and raised his eyes to look at the still form on the bed beyond. The Doc had left Tom and was now talking to Kathryn and Tuvok. Chakotay moved to the door to hear what was being said.
“...........much as I could do for the time being. He’s still alive. Barely. I’ve reversed as much damage as I could but by the time I got to him it had spread quite far. He knew what he was doing I’m afraid. He obviously paid more attention when he was in sickbay than I realised. “ The Doc paused, looked down and then back up before continuing. “Because of the nature it tends to be very hard to eradicate, for want of a better word it ‘hides’ in the system. Its done considerable damage to his system and I’m afraid from here on there’s little more I can do. He’s in a coma and I can’t say *if* he’ll come out of it, let alone *when*. I’m sorry.”
Chakotay must have made some sort of noise because as the Doc walked away the Captain turned round and looked at him. He didn’t know what expression must have been on his face but she walked over to him and without saying a word put her arms around him. After a moments hesitation he reciprocated. But pulled away a few moments later. He didn’t want any comfort, it didn’t seem right. Tom was the one who needed all of the attention and comfort and care. As far as Chakotay was concerned he was one of the ones who had helped put Tom in this situation, in the position where he would feel he had no choice but to do what he did.
He walked over to the biobed where Tom lay. He looked down at the still form, the white face. With a hesitant hand he reached out and gently touched the pale cheek, shocked at the coldness of it. Then with a decisive air he looked around and spotted a stool nearby. Reaching over he dragged it over and without looking away from the still face beneath him, sat down. He swallowed, reaching over and taking one of Tom’s lifeless hands between his own he held it, as if by mere touch alone he could infuse some warmth and life into the motionless body.
Janeway, Tuvok and the Doc all watched this silently, exchanging looks. Janeway nodded, silently answering the Doc’s unspoken question. He walked back into his office. With a glance at the Commander she looked at Tuvok and headed out of the door, Tuvok close behind her.
Chakotay barely noticed their leaving, only to realise that he was now alone with Tom. He didn’t know what to say or to do, only that his place was here at Tom’s side. He unconsciously stroked the fingers in his hand feeling the slimness and softness, absentmindedly rubbing the back of Tom’s hand, moving his thumb in circles against the soft skin. His place was here now, with Tom. And he would stay here as long as it took. To show, to get through, to that soul buried deep within the still form, that someone was here for him. That *he* was here.
It was later that night when the Doc came out to check on his patient that he saw another still figure sat next to Tom his head resting on the bed, fast asleep, his hand still clutching Tom’s pale one. With a gentle expression on his face he picked up a blanket and draped it across the Commanders shoulders and after a slight pause went back into his office.
It was a solemn briefing the next morning as Janeway gently informed them of Tom’s suicide attempt. The reaction of everyone had been the same, shock. Harry had gone very pale and started to look very ill. B’Ellana beside him had reached out a hand to his arm, but herself had worn an expression that told Janeway that she was going to be putting something through a bulkhead soon. Janeway knew of their friendship, only a friendship. At one time she had thought like everyone else that she and Tom would eventually end up together, but theirs was a relationship that was of friendship only. The sparks had been there for a while but that had been all there was. Once that had been worked out what had been left was a friendship that was worth more to them than another 'conquer'. So very alike in many ways they trusted and turned to one another many times. Janeway could only imagine what it must feel like now to know that Tom hadn’t come to her about something like this when he had obviously been feeling so low.
Neelix had already known from the night before but he still looked as if he couldn’t believe it. The Doc was there over the link to update them of any progress, of which there was none. He quietly informed the Captain that Commander Chakotay was still there in sickbay and showed no signs of leaving. His voice was not scornful but instead she heard a distinct softness in his tone. Harry and B’Ellana made a slightly surprised face at hearing the whereabouts of the Commander but it didn’t last long, B’Ellana looked as if something had clicked into place and she just squeezed Harry’s arm.
It was going to be a strange shift. She had told Harry and B’Ellana to have the shift off if they wanted, she would understand. But both of them had declined saying that work would keep their minds from straying. She knew what they meant. She sat in her chair on the bridge and when she could stand it no more she retired to her ready room and proceeded to plough through a pile of reports. It didn’t stop her mind from wandering but it helped.
It was almost two months later when the Captain was walking down the corridor towards engineering at the request of B’Ellana. Her chief engineer had asked for her presence on something and the Captain had agreed. She found it more and more inviting to spend time down there when she could these days. A diversion from her other duties as Captain. Not that she neglected her duties at all, but spare time now was spent doing the things that had been her first choice, science.
As she passed sickbay she noticed Harry coming out of sickbay. The young ensign hadn’t been anything like his normal happy self ever since that fateful night. She knew that like B’Ellana he visited Tom in sickbay on a regular basis, to talk to him, keep him up on the gossip that she knew they used to enjoy together.
Like everyone, he kept hoping that one day they would walk in there to find Tom looking back at him, those blue eyes twinkling with mischief and a smile on his lips. He was realistic, he knew that this was unlikely. He had heard the Doc’s prognosis and seen the evidence but he was an optimistic and he knew that faith was sometimes all that you needed.
He saw the Captain and stopped, a faint smile playing around his lips. “Captain.”
“How’s Tom?” She knew what the answer would be but somehow she needed to hear it.
“The same. I just spent ten minutes telling about the episode with Ensign Jenkins in astro and the new menu that Neelix has concocted to use up the stores from the last planet. I know he wouldn’t like to be left out of the latest gossip.”
Janeway smiled. “I agree.” She paused. She had a feeling she knew the answer to the next question but she felt she needed verifying somehow. “Harry, is Commander Chakotay in there at the moment?”
Harry sighed, which did not go unnoticed by the Captain. “Yes, Captain, he is. He has been since he came of shift this morning.” He took a breath. “He hasn’t left Tom’s side. He’s there before a shift and there almost straight after it. The Doc’s told me that he sleeps in there more often than not. Just hops on the next biobed or stays in the chair that he takes from the Doc’s office.”
Janeway was not surprised. In her discussions with the Doc he had mentioned the almost constant presence of the Commander in sickbay over the last seven weeks. It was concerning him as it had her in the beginning, now it was worrying her.
Janeway knew about the Commanders feelings, she had read the letter, felt guilty about it after Tom’s words, but she’d had her suspicions about the young man’s feelings towards her first officer. It was fairly obvious once you knew what you were looking for. She had always suspected Chakotay’s interest, in conversations and discussions they had had over the last few years, though nothing had ever been said. The look in his eyes, the way he spoke, all subtle clues that she had noticed more and more once her attention had been caught.
She felt guilt now. That she *had* suspected something and had not said anything to either of them. She couldn’t help but think that if she had, maybe this would have been prevented somehow. It was something that plagued her dreams and thoughts. The rationale side of her knew that there was nothing that she could have done. It had been suspicions and hearsay in her own mind, but the other side was the one that kept seeing Tom lying on that bed in sickbay, motionless and pale. That side of her was the one that carried around the guilt every day.
She knew how it had affected Chakotay, it was that first night after they found him that she spent a good many hours in her room holding him, while he wept what felt to be his heart out. She knew that it was hard for him to let go and accept the situation as it was. Tom had been in a coma for nearly two months, with no sign that he was going to come out of it. The Doc had said that the longer it went the worse the prognosis became.
After the realisation that came from the letter and knowing what Tom had done, Janeway could only begin to imagine what that would have meant to the Commander. Knowledge that he had probably lost the chance to tell Tom how he felt, to put things right. The amount of misunderstanding that had existed between the two men was enormous. But then so was the emotion. It just had manifested itself in the wrong way for all that time. But on top of that the realisation that Tom had felt something for him and if only he had said something then maybe......but speculating wouldn’t help now. For her, for Chakotay, for anyone. What mattered now was the health of their first officer. ????
“Thanks, Harry.” She placed a hand on his shoulder before he turned and walked off down the corridor. She tapped her comm badge.
“Janeway to engineering.”
“Torres here.”
“B’Ellana do you mind if postpone our meeting for a while? I need to attend to something with the Commander.”
“Of course, nothing wrong I hope.” Janeway could hear the hint of worry in the chief engineer’s voice.
“No, I just want to discuss his shifts.” She couldn’t say anymore, but if B’Ellana like Harry was aware of the time Chakotay was spending in sickbay she would understand what she meant. She apparently did.
“Good. Do you want to come down and have our discussion over lunch instead? I hear breakfast was purple”
Janeway managed to suppress a chuckle before answering, “It was. I’ll be down then.”
Looking at the sickbay doors she took a deep breath and walked in. The scene before her was the one that she had expected. Next to Tom’s bed was the Commander, sat down on a stool, talking quietly to him. She couldn’t hear what he was saying but he was smiling and gesturing as though telling a story. She looked around and spotted the Doctor sat at his desk. He looked over at her and smiled, but made no move to get up and come over. Apparently her business, to him, was obvious. She nodded back and the turned back to walk over to Chakotay.
He didn’t hear her coming until almost the last moment and when she put a hand on the bed she saw him jump almost impercieveably. “Hello, Kathryn,” he recovered quickly. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Sorry,” She apologised. “I came to see how Tom was.....and you.”
He looked up at her. “I’m fine, Captain.” He replied quickly before turning back to Tom and continuing in a softer voice. “But Tom’s still the same. I’ve been telling him stories, keeping him up to date on things. I know Harry tells him all the gossip but its good to hear things from another point of view, you know. I’ve also been telling him stories from my people, myths and legends. They may help him seek the path back again.”
Janeway looked at the man before her and saw the bags around his eyes, the tiredness etched into his strong features and the weariness in his eyes when they had met hers. “Chakotay.” Her voice was soft. “When was the last time you spent some time in your room, slept in your own bed?”
He looked at her, then at the Doc, and she could swear she saw daggers in his eyes, before coming back to hers. He said nothing.
“Its been almost two months Chakotay. I do not question your dedication to Tom, your feelings or your hope that one day he will wake up but I am, along with many other of your friends, worried about the damage you may be doing to yourself.”
Chakotay held her eyes for a few moments before turning away again. “I’m *fine*, Captain.” He stated again, his tone flat.
“Chakotay, when did you last get a good nights sleep? Eat a proper dinner, or breakfast for that matter? You have to look after yourself Chakotay, Voyager needs her first officer and if you carry on the way you are its going to start to affect your duty. I’ve left it for a while and haven’t said anything because I know that you are going through quite a lot and I thought I would give you time, but I’ve read the Doctor’s reports and I’ve spoken to people and I’ve seen with my own eyes. You need to pay attention to yourself Chakotay, look after yourself.........”
“That’s what caused this in the first place!” Chakotay’s outburst made her jump, his voice loud, echoing off the walls in the alcove where they were. She saw the Doctor rise out of the corner of her eye but he paused, gauge if he would be needed. But Chakotay’s voice was quieter as he carried on. “That’s what contributed to putting Tom here in the first place. Only looking at myself, only thinking about my own feelings, my own emotions. Playing safe and ignoring what I knew to be the right thing. How long could I have been so ignorant eh? Didn’t want to risk it, couldn’t bear the thought of taking a chance, taking a risk, offering myself to someone. Just looking out for my own feelings and how it would affect me.” He took a breath and looking at Tom’s face.
“My attitude did this you know. Helped create and fuel that self hatred of his. Lack of self-esteem and confidence. The only thing he thought he could do properly was fly and even that was taken away from him.” Janeway swallowed, acknowledging her own part in that and closed her eyes as she accepted the guilt that accompanied it. “He thought I was disappointed in him, disgusted. I remember seeing it in his eyes when we were in the briefing room. Strange what you remember afterwards isn’t it? I saw the look and its only now that I realise what it was, what was behind it.” He took a breath. “I could have prevented this.”
“Do you know that for sure?” Janeway asked softly. “Chakotay, there was such a lot going on in that head of his, that I think had been going on for a long time. To do what he did must have taken a lot to push him over. It wasn’t something he just did, this was planned and undertaken with a lot of thought. You may have helped but in the end you were not the sole cause and would not have been the sole prevention.”
She saw the quiver in his face and the shake in his hand as he gripped Tom’s hand. “Please Chakotay, come and get some sleep. If nothing else so you will be strong enough for Tom if...if he does wake. He’s going to need someone here for him, remember? And if you’re not getting enough sleep and good food then you’re not going to be strong enough for Tom. You need to look after yourself if you’re gong to be able to look out for and look after Tom.”
Janeway hoped that appealing to sense would tip the scales and with a internal sigh of relief she watched as he slowly rose for the stool. He bent down to whisper something to Tom that was out of her ear shot, and taking one last look at Tom’s face and squeezing his hand he turned and headed for the doors. “I’m not leaving him, Kathryn.”
“I know, I’m not asking you to. I’m only asking that you look after yourself. We are all hoping for Tom, praying and wishing and hoping, but we need to move on. Not leave him behind but take him with us and give him something to come back to.”
Chakotay nodded and with a last look at Tom walked out beside the Captain.
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