Hurting
By Elamae

It hurts.

I don't know why it should, but it does.

Every time he looks at her. Every time I hear that catch in his voice when he is talking about her. The expression he gets on his face when I know he is thinking about her.

What right do I have? I have known the man such a short time, I have no right to feel this way.

But I do.

And it hurts.

But I have to keep it quiet, I can't let him see the emotions that swirl around in my heart, that threaten to dance across my face at the slightest provocation.

I can't.

I don't have the right.

Why does it have to be this way? Why do I always do this to myself? Fall for the person I can't have, or shouldn't have? Why does love have to be so hard, so unattainable for me?

So painful.

Sitting here at the table, watching him dance with Stella, watching him *be* with her. If not in body then in spirit, in emotion......in everything that counts.

It is torture to be here, with him, watching him with *her*. But I couldn't not be. I am Ray's friend and partner, it is my duty, my obligation, my......Ray needs me to be here. To balance him while he deals with his ex-wife and her new date. To stop him doing something he would regret. He'd told me that in so many words in a quiet moment earlier this evening. And I can't let him down, I never would, not while I am still breathing.

We are sitting here in pairs, Stella and Orsini, Ray and me. Oh how I wish that were the case. Two couples sat together, who just happen to know each other. When we were walking away from the court house today, Stella and Orsini side by side in front of me and Ray walking side by side behind. It was a little indulgent daydream on my behalf and one I will ponder on for time to come. Not for long though I have learned that in the long run it is just painful to dream about things that aren't or won't be.

But it does not seem to stop me starting.

They looked perfect together out there, in each other's arms. So together, moulded...as one. And the more it hurts to look, the more I look. Like picking off a scab, you just can not help yourself.

Punishment maybe?

Trying to drive it into my stubborn and reluctant head that Ray is still in love with Stella, will always love Stella. There is no room in his heart for me. Logically I knew that there would not be, Ray is so straight its silly. Always chasing woman, flirting outrageously with anything with a skirt. Why would he look at me, a man?

A man who had fallen in love with him.

It had happened so quickly, so suddenly. I had felt, still do feel guilty on some levels. Ray Vecchio, the real Ray Vecchio had only been gone a short time and I was already falling head over heels for his replacement.

His *replacement* of all people.

Not that I had ever had feelings like this for Ray Vecchio. Ray had been like a brother to me. The close brother that I had never had. My friend and my companion, but nothing more. But still the feelings of guilt were there, I had no idea where Ray was, what he had gone into, what sort of dangers he would be facing and yet there I had been, practically drooling over the stranger with independent hair who had hugged me in the middle of the squad room.

No one has hugged me or held me for such a long time it seems. His touch was......addictive. I constantly crave more of it, all the time. Any touch or physical contact I can get.

Asking him out to dinner that night had been impulsive, but the smile that had lit up his face had been wonderful.

Priceless

I vowed there and then to make him smile like that as often as I could.

At the moment there is no sign of that smile at all, or anything resembling it.

The falling head over heels bit was no exaggeration either. That night he had accompanied me for something to eat had been wonderful and we had spent time talking about personal stuff, nothing to in depth as he still did not tell me much about himself, no details and he refused to tell me his name, his *real* name. Lots of other little things about his life, but not his name. Just sat there with a grin and a twinkle in his eyes that took my breath away.

It was that night that I realised that I was going to seriously fall for this man and mighty quick though this may seem, I felt as if I had known him years. The easy camaraderie, the banter, the bond that seemed to *click* right from the beginning was astonishing and I think he too was surprised by it. But we make a good partnership and will continue to do so I hope.

I can't help it of my lonely heart decides to feel more...want more.

All I can do is try to control it the best I can. I am good at control, always have been, for the most part, and that is all it is.

Just control.

He is walking back over to me. The dance has finished and Stella has gone. He stands, looking lost...lonely. I wish so much to make him.....But that is out of my hands. He turns and slowly walks back to our table.

With all my defences tightly up in place and my expression fixed securely on my face I put my thumbs up and smile as warmly as I can.

It is hard though.

"Your both excellent dancers." I find myself saying, just managing to keep the jealously out of my voice, I hope.

He sits down, looking shell-shocked and weary. I ache for him.

But there is no time to wallow as so often happens on our cases and I notice the metal mesh on the champagne bottle opening the wrong way and once again I take refuge in duty.

After I have throw the bottle over the side of the boat I quickly glance back and my heart for one moment sinks as fast as the bits of bomb that are now falling from the sky. Ray has grabbed Stella and flung her to the floor and is now lying on top her, shielding her from the blast. A sensible and gentlemanly thing to do, something which I myself would do.

But it twists in my heart.

Turning away to keep my eyes from feeding me the image I already can't get out of my mind I dive into the water to retrieve the evidence that we need.

Anything to quench that burning feeling in my heart.

FINIS

Elamae 1999.