Tom was walking along the corridor, deep in thought. His mind mulling over his life as it was. A comment that Harry had made last night in Sandrines had set him off. A perfectly innocent teasing remark about Tom and the Deleaney sisters. It was well known his reputation with the women on Voyager, something he himself had encouraged almost as soon as he had come aboard. But now, he was different. He wanted and needed different things. Even if those things were out of his reach.
A small breeze caught his attention as someone overtook him down the corridor. His thoughts had made him drift and his pace had slowed somewhat. For once he wasn’t late and didn’t need to run the treck to the bridge for the beginning of the shift. As his eyes rested on the figure infront of him he allowed himself a quiet sigh.
Tom followed the Commander into the turbolift quietly stating his destination. Keeping his eyes on the doors infront of him, Tom concentrated on the thoughts whipping through his mind trying to stem the flow before he inadvertently gave something away.
Taking advantage of the silence that surrounded them, he glanced across the turbolift at the man opposite him, stealing a few precious glances. His eyes grazed quickly across the features, taking in everything they could in the few moments they had.
They took in the upright stance, the strong muscular frame, large but not fat, just strong.....and powerful. They swept up the long legs and the broad chest, taking in the muscles that could just be discerned beneath the uniform. Tom had always liked that chest, so broad and strong; had always wanted to just lay his head down on it. He’d feel safe there he knew.
Up the neck towards the features that sent a flash of desire across his face for the split second he couldn’t control it. They travelled across the tattoo. Oh the fantasies he’d had involving that tattoo. He desparately stemmed the thoughts he had on those as he felt the hot blush threatening to creep up his face.
As he looked at the stoic eyes he wondered for the hundreth time what was going on behind them. To the casual observer the Commander was composed, nothing breaking through that calm exterior, but Tom was no casual observer. He had watched the Commander closely, his body language and his expressions, and learned to read them quite well. How he wished he could go and comfort the man, be there for him when he knew something was wrong.
Oh Tom knew he himself wasn’t the most emotionally stable person in the world. But he knew when to talk to people now, had learned to trust people, the friends and ‘family’ he had made here on Voyager so much more than what he had ever had. Before, he had bottled things up, to the point where its only way out was by force, usually explosive, always destructive. If he’d carried on the way he had been heading five years ago, he knew he’d probably be dead now. Drink, drugs, suicide, probably a mixture of all three. But Voyager and the people and life he had found here had given him a second chance and Gods, was he going to take it.
It had also given him a second chance to be with the man stood beside him. The man that had inadvertantly saved his life. Saving Chakotay back in the Ocampan caves was a small thing to repay what he had done for him. But as much as possible he wanted to be there for Chakotay. To see inside that shell for just a moment........
What would he say though? *Hey Chakotay, by the way, I love you* He chuckled at the image that created in his mind, just controlling the small snort that almost escaped. He had to say something though, he couldn’t carry on the way he was. He was just fooling himself, living in a dream world where it was safe. No disappointments, no judgements, a place where anything could happen. But where nothing would ever happen.
He looked over at Chakotay and drew in his breath. Everytime he saw the man a thousand senarios ran through his mind, of ways he could tell him, ask him. Everytime there seemed like there was a better time.
*What about now?* his mind asked. *You’re both alone and in no hurry, duty wasn’t due to start for a while, it’ll be easy, just open you’re mouth and say the words....*
The ting of the turbolift annouced its arrival and before Tom could get his wits together long enough to form a word let alone a sentence, with a nod of his head Chakotay had walked out.
Tom stood there, eyes on the place where Chakotay had been. *I love you* his mind supplied.
*Oh Chakotay* he closed his eyes tightly. Why couldn’t he say these things out loud? Why could he hear them in his mind and not be able to voice them. He needed.......needed the warmth, the intimacy. He needed to touch him, to be touched.
Every night he’d lie there in bed, huddled around a pillow, trying to imagine what his arms felt like. How his hands would feel caressing him, holding him. Every night he would go to sleep wishing he were there. Feeling cold and empty. Every morning he would wake up and remember he wasn’t there.
As he walked onto the bridge he glanced over to where the first officer sat. Already sat down and going through some reports. Tom took his seat at the helm silently, trying to get his mind back onto what he was supposed to be doing.
As he ran through the standard checks though, part of him was still thinking of senarios. As his mind ran through the days course and plotted various necessary changes, a small part was thinking of ways in which he could tell Chakotay, ways in which Chakotay would tell him.
In his mind it was perfect.................
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