Disclaimer: As before the lyrics belong to Sarah MacLachen. Characters and such like belong to Paramount (god bless them).
The Commander had had a restless night. Walking down the corridor he thought back over his meditation that he had done that morning in an attempt to give himself the calm he desired for his shift. He’d spent a lot of last night tossing and turning and had woken up several times. He’d gotten some sleep eventually but much of that had been plagued by dreams of which he were all too familiar with.
Visions of *him*. Visions his mind was creating for him as a substitude for what he knew he couldn’t have. Would never have. He knew it was impossible, all the time he had known the man throughout the Maquis and then here on Voayger he had never been given any hint that Tom would ever be interested in a man, ever be interested in him.
Ever since he’d seen the young man in that bar he’d ben captivated. He’d been there to contact him about flying for the Maquis, but as soon as he’d layed eyes on him he’d been lost. He’d been given his name by Ro Laren, and had decided to go and meet him in person. The name had rung a bell and his suspicions had gone up 200 per cent.
He’d gone to the bar and been met with a pair of inquisitive blue eyes that held a depth of emotions that Chakotay couldn’t even begin to catalogue. Young looking, slim, a mop of red-blond hair that seemed to curl of its own accord and reflected in the subdued light in there. Both of them had been suspicious of the other, but Chakotay had decided that Tom was sincere enough and it had been that first mission that Tom had been caught and put in prison.
He’d felt the tension between them as soon as they had started talking. He’d also felt the attractive to the man too. He couldn’t stop looking at him, the pale complexion, the long legs, the aristocratic features. He’d behaved quite distant to the arrogant and defensive young man. But inside, Chakotay had been a goner.
As he walked towards the turbolift he noticed a figure infront of him. Were the spirits telling him something about fate or was it just Paris’s impecible timing to be everywhere you least expected him. Paris was never usually this early going to his shift, the Commander on most mornings was on the bridge when Tom skidded in about 5 seconds from being late, you could time the start of the shift by his entrance most days.
He walked past him swifly, trying not to look obvious, and walked into the lift, taking the brief few moments to center himself for the following minutes to come.
Tom appeared around the corner and walked into the lift to stand next to him. He quietly stated his destination and then went silent. Chakotay kept his eyes straight forward. It occured to him that it might seem rather rude, he hadn’t said anything to the man, not even to acknowledge his presence. But now he couldn’t trust himself to say anything.
Although he kept his eyes forward he could sense that Tom was looking at him. Probably wondering why I’m ignoring him he thought. After a while though he saw that Tom had turned away. Taking his chance he glanced subtly at Tom.
Spirits but he was beautiful! Chakotay felt his heart catch in his throat as he took in Tom’s profile. His body stood tall and slim, but strong in an understated way. Long legs and slim hips followed by a flat stomach. Chakotay controlled his breathing just about, as he at last rested on those crystal blue eyes.
He wondered what went on behind that screen of his. The outward show of flamboyance and smartass comments. He knew that they were just a show, just a way of covering up a sensitive soul, a vunerable and damaged individual that he knew had taken more than his fair share of knocks along his life. He’d always bounced back though and proven himself to be a survivor. A strength of spirit and soul.
He’d so much wanted to be able to put his arms around the young man and offer his comfort when he knew things had been tough. To give him the support both emotionally and physically, that he knew that he needed, craved even. He saw the look in Tom’s eyes when he saw other members of the crew that were in couples, he’d seen the longing and desire. Tom was the fire and Chakotay could be his water, the balance that Tom needed, that Chakotay needed.
He wanted to be the one that Tom desired. The one that Tom would look at in such a way, the one he wanted. But he didn’t have the words to tell him. Tom had never given away any hint of being attracted to a men. Over the last few years and before even, he had the reputation of a ladies man, the king of flirts.
But maybe be could tell him. It was only a few simple words wasn’t it? Just three little words. He could do this.
But what if he said no?
There was some much he wanted to say. So much he wanted to be able to say but when he got up close to Tom it seemed as though all he brain functions shut down. //And not just in *that* way! // he added to his smirking mind. He couldn’t form the words that he wanted to say. Couldn’t think of hopw to put it without scaring Tom or making him laugh.
Jolting him from his thoughts the ting of the turbolift made him jump slightly. Turning to Tom and nodding briefly, it was the only way of acknowledging the young man without seeming to be out of the ordinary, he slipped out o fthe door, his mind racing.
Once on the bridge he sat down and grabbed his pile of reports to go over, hoping to clear his mind and reduce his heart rate from the gallop it was presently at to something a bit more steady. When he heard the lift go behind him he raised his head. Tom walked on to the bridge and strode over to the helm. Chakotay looked at the back of his head trying to collect his thoughts.
*Oh Tom, what can I do? How can I go on living the way I am, I need you in my life* He would say something, soon, he had to. He was going to go crazy with his feelings. He had to think of a way to tell him, a way of finding out Tom’s feelings, of testing the water.
He sat back in his chair, half of his mind on the padd that was on his hand, the other half running through possible situations.
But in each of his senarios Tom just laughed and walked away.....................
Again comments welcome 'yinta@hotmail.com' This has goen up rather quick and probably has *too* many mistakes in it. I just had to get them finished and get my *flow* going again //grin//