Oh and I know this started out as a sort of Xmas story which kind gets forgotten by the end, but it just sorta happened.....:)
PS sorry for any grammar mistakes - hasn't been beta'd and I have terrible English!
******
LOSING YOU
By Elamae.
"Ray?"
Constable Benton Fraser hurried down the corridor after the rapidly disappearing figure of his partner. Dodging several festivally garbed officers heading towards the party in the squad room that they had both rather hastily left, he spotted the blond detective rounding the corner and heading towards the door to the car lot.
Hurrying out of the door, he absentmindedly let it swing close behind him into several unsuspecting people, quickly scanning the parking area.
*There*.
Ignoring the strange looks he was getting from those squeezing past him in order to get into the building he headed towards the black GTO up against the far wall.
"Ray?" Still no answer. "Ray? How can we sort this out if you won't speak to me?" His logic was faultless but the expression on the detective's face didn't alter. "Ray?"
"Fraser!" The tone was warning, but Fraser had long since ceased to be put off by this first 'showing of teeth' and didn't give up as easily as others might do when faced with that particular Ray 'look'.
"Ray, please."
"Please what, Fraser! What do you *want* me ta say? Huh?" His voice quietened almost as quickly as it had risen. "I just....look...I just can't deal....talk about this right now, okay? Its just...just give me some time, I'll be fine." He tried smiling but it didn't reach any higher than his lips.
"Ray, I know something is wrong and I don't want to...crowd you, but if something is bothering you it can be better to share, to talk about it. It can put things into perspective so to speak."
"Listen Frase, I know ya only tryin' to help, but this is sommat that I need ta deal with myself okay?" He took a sigh. "Its not sommat that I wanna get in'ta a big discussion about or anything and I don't want' ta insult ya or anything, but back off, all right?"
Fraser looked evenly at Ray, trying to analyse the guarded emotions running across Ray's usually open face. After a moment he nodded. "As you wish, Ray. But you know where I am if you want me."
Ray groaned internally at his partner's choice of words. //Oh Fraser if ya only knew buddy...//. He had to leave; *now*. Had to get away, just run for a bit, escape somewhere where he could let himself go and not be worried about controlling his reactions, his emotions around other people. He *needed* to let go, the pressure on that particular valve was nearing critical and he wanted to be alone when it gave. That way there was no casualties from what ever it was that was spilt.
"Right. I'll see ya...tomorrow then." It was half a statement and half a question and uttered as Ray leaned in towards the door as if to open it.
""Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, the dinner thing, ya hadn't forgotten had ya Fraze cos if ya had I'll be insulted ya know. Deeply." He added with a more normal grin sneaking in.
"No of course not." Fraser's back stiffened almost unconsciously at the suggestion he had forgotten a social invitation of any sort. " I just wanted to check on the time you wanted me over there."
"Midday's fine Fraser, just bring yerself, and Dief, and a bottle, well umm, something to drink and something for the tree and you'll be fine and welcome."
"Midday it is. He hesitated as he began to step back and away as Ray opened the door and got in. "Goodnight Ray."
"Goodnight Frase." Was it just him or could he detect a note of wistfullness about Ray's tone, or maybe he was just looking too hard, Fraser thought. It wouldn't be the first time that day. Ray had told him needed time to sort things out on his own and he should respect that. But he couldn't help but worry could he? He hated seeing the energetic and usually cheerful, if somewhat edgy detective, so reserved and quiet. It didn't seem right.
He took another step back as Ray moved to get into the driver's seat. Suddenly he moved forward again, mouth opening. "Ray......"
Ray's response was suspiciously quick. "Yeah, Frase?"
"Would you...ahh, I mean, that is, are you sure you wouldn't, well, like some...company tonight. With it being Christmas and all, and you said you aren't doing anything and I haven't any plans, save for going over some old letters and spending some time with Dief........" Fraser knew he was babbling, but he was afraid that Ray would explode at him for persevering and not backing off when he had asked him. There was only so far he would push Ray.
"Get in Frase." Ray's head disappeared into the car.
"Right you are Ray." Taking off his Stetson and indicating to Dief to get in, he sat down in the passenger seat and faced forward as Ray drove out onto the road.
Silence descended upon the car, with neither man sure of what to say; sure of the situation or atmosphere they had suddenly found themselves in. Tension was mounting and neither knew how to break it. Fraser was afraid to break the tenuous calm between them and incite Ray's anger and mood. Ray was afraid to offend Fraser with what he knew might come out of his mouth. He knew all to well the kind of lapses in control he had over his verbal communication and he didn't want to shatter the peace that had come between them.
Even Ray's driving was somewhat calmer than usual, if a little abrupt.
Fraser snuck some sideways glances at Ray. His expression was neutral, thoughtful maybe, head tilted to one side, arm braced on the window frame. Looking at the blond spikes, wondering what was going on inside that head, Fraser had the sudden urge to touch that wild hair and run his hand through.....
//oh boy//
Fraser started, jerking his head round to look forward again. He must have caused a jolt to the seat because Ray turned to glance at him.
"You aright there, Fraser?"
"Yes, Ray. Just...stretching my shoulders." He said, justifying it with a characteristic crack of his neck.
"Sure, Frase. Look, do you want to get anything? Cos I'm gonna stop and get some wine or sommat, I feel like celebrating the night in style. Whadda say buddy? I know you don't drink, but....."
"Well, I do, but only on special occasions....."
"Which it is."
"Which it is." Fraser concluded.
"Okay then!" Ray turned and Fraser was treated with one of Ray's more normal beaming smiles.
He swung the car down another street and came to a stop outside a small
Fraser hadn't argued, secretly enjoying the thought of an evening with Ray, especially at Christmas. So often in his youth and in later years, Christmas's had been spent without any company from family or friends, his Dad being away so often. To spend such a night as this with what he considered to be his closest friend was to him the best way to spend Christmas.
But there was something niggling Ray, it was obvious from his behaviour since the station, and before. In the party Ray, though seeming perfectly 'normal' to the untrained eye, enjoying the festivities and swapping presents, had looked to Fraser's more detailed eye more withdrawn. As soon as he wasn't talking to anyone or felt no one was paying him any attention his expression changed, became quiet and thoughtful. At one point he had sat in his chair at his desk, head cradled in his hands watching the rest of the crowd. His own Stetson perched on the pile of folders next to his elbow.
Fraser had started to walk over to him but had been waylaid by Frannie, though as soon as Ray had seen him coming he had got up and disappeared into the throng of people. Thus had started Ray's unspoken avoidance of him. Fraser couldn't understand it at first, nothing had been said between them, no harsh words, no disagreements other than the usual verbal exchanges and differences of opinion.
But by the end of the gathering he was worried. Apart from the moments when they had to stand near each other for the toasts and speeches, Ray was avoiding him completely. Near the end when people started disappearing off home, Fraser had had enough and tracked Ray down only to have him do a sharp about face and stalk off down the corridor out of the station.
Fraser had followed, concern rearing high now, determined to find out what exactly he had done to warrant such treatment by Ray.
And here he was, sat in Ray's apartment cautiously sipping at an overflowing glass of wine, and he still didn't know. But at least Ray wasn't avoiding him or ignoring him anymore.
Ray lifted the glass to his lips and took a long drink of the wine. Closing his eyes he let it flow down his throat and into his stomach, feeling the warmth of it spread through him. Not quite the burn of spirits, wine was the gentle drink to enjoy when you wanted to feel relaxed. It was a celebratary drink, though what Ray was celebrating he wasn't too sure. It was Christmas sure but apart from that the only thing he had to celebrate was that once again had not lost his partner to some crazy Chicago nut who decided to take objection to him.
How the Mountie did it he wasn't too sure, but it was like some double act, on one hand there was those he could charm the pants off, both law abiding and criminal and then there was those he could tick off just by being near them or something.
He closed his eyes and wondered, for the hundredth time how on earth he had got himself into this. This.....he couldn't even put a word to it. A situation that he couldn't have predicted a few months ago; ever even. Being undercover for a cop who had gone deep undercover in the Mafia, partnered with a Canadian Mountie who's companion was a deaf wolf who listed horticulture as one of his pastimes, being involved in wildly bizarre activities even by his own cop standards and feeling the way he did about his partner.
.......Oh and the last one was probably the most unnerving.
When he was younger he had known that he found guys attractive, that it wasn't just girls that turned his crank. But he had never met one that had made him want to take it further than just admiring from afar. He had met Stella and everything else had just paled in comparison. Feelings for people of the same sex had remained as just that - feelings, as had all feelings for others, same sex or opposite. He was a one person guy.
So when he had realised that he was looking at his partner with more than partner-like thoughts he wasn't too concerned. A bit stunned at first, but not surprised. It had been when they had turned from just unpartner-like thoughts to on par with Stella-type thoughts that he had started to get, well....concerned.
Acknowledgement that your partner is good-looking.....okay, drop-dead gorgeous and had fuelled a few occasional fantasies that sometimes creep into your head at semi-conscious moments at night, is one thing. But the kinda full-blown emotions that he was starting to have, well that was quite another.
He hadn't expected them. Nope, not one 'lil bit. And now he had them, he had no idea what he was going to do with them.
I mean what was he supposed to do. Come out and tell Fraser?
//oh yeah, love the pun there buddy//
He could see the expression on his face now. Sort of shocked 'caught in the headlights' 'get me outta here' innocent Mountie look, the one he sometimes gives Frannie when she cornered him.
//wish you could teach me how yer do that sis', its gotta be an art form....//
He'd stutter, cough, look around nervously, rub his eyebrow - and then he be gone. This red Mountie blur disappearing at warp speed or something. A strange cartoon image sprung to his mind suddenly and he chuckled under his breath.
No, he couldn't do that. It would spoil things, ruin what they had, which happened to be the best partnership *and* friendship, he'd had in years; no make that *ever*. No-one felt as close to him as Fraser, *no-one*. Not even Stella. With Stella they'd always been some sort of...'thing' between them, couldn't explain what, but it had always been there. With Fraser there was no barriers, no 'thing', a free-flowing bond of communication, emotion and commitment, that even he had given up trying to reason or rationalise.
Until he had realised where his feelings were heading, or rather where they already were.
He sighed and took another sip of wine.
Fraser turned and looked at his friend when he heard the chuckle. Ray was staring at his glass, lost somewhere in the bounty of its contents maybe.
Lost.
A word seemed to describe Ray so well.
Like a little boy lost. He presented the world this tough, hard-guy appearance, rough around the edges, frightened of no-one or no thing, when underneath he was probably frightened of everything.
Himself, the world, the way the world saw him, the way he viewed the world. Frightened of emotions and feelings. Funny really for a man who seemed to run on them more than air. That and instinct.
So different to himself. Mr. Logic. He smiled. He knew his view of world seemed to many very analytical, very precise, but that was just the way he was. He *did* see things in very logic-orientated ways. Relied on certain things being so in order to achieve the desired outcome. Whereas Ray relied on instinct to take him where he wanted to go.
//Oh Ray, I wish I *could* rely on instinct to take me where I want to go//
It would make things so much simpler he knew. To be able to just let go and let emotion dictate what should and would happen. But he knew he couldn't. Couldn't just go with the flow, let go and...just....... But he'd done it once and look where it had got him. Ray couldn't know, it would destroy everything they had and what they had was the most precious thing in his life.
It was burning him up inside though. Pretending that he wasn't feeling what he was feeling. It was torture. Plain and simple.
But there was nothing he could do about it. He knew that Ray didn't feel that way about him, Ray had been married for how many years? In love with the same woman since he was a boy, probably still was. Ray would never look at him the way he looked at Stella, no matter how much Fraser wanted or hoped he would. He and Ray were partners and friends and that would have to be enough. He couldn't risk losing what he did have with Ray, it would be too much.
And he'd rather have what they did have than nothing at all.
Ray glanced up at Fraser. He'd been quiet for *way* too long. The guy just didn't do quiet. Didn't seem to have the concept in his head or sommat.
He was just sat there studying his drink, another thing that was slightly out of place. Normally the thought of Fraser and alcohol was like oil and water, turtle and wolf. But there he was wine in hand staring at it like it was the holy prophecy or sommat, in almost the exact same pose he was in himself.
//So I guess that makes two truth seekers eh?//
Something was going to have to break the silence and as it seemed the fountain of knowledge over there wasn't going to for once, it looked as though Ray was going to have to.
"Wine's nice don't you think?"
//Okay, Ray *that* was good// He groaned inwardly.
Fraser looked up, startled by Ray's voice, suddenly very loud in the silence that had fallen over them.
"Oh, the wine, yes, it is rather good."
Ray sat and struggled to find something else to talk about. He didn't like silences like this. Some he liked, even loved, Stella hadn't understood times like that but every so often it was nice just to sit in silence together, enjoying the time and the stillness and the togetherness......but now wasn't one of them. Too much was hanging in the air whether they both realised it or not. Too much left unsaid; unshared.
This evening had been the closest he had ever come to just letting it out, sodding everything and just telling him.
And he could feel it bubbling up inside him again.
The frustration waiting in the wings, becoming impatient, needing to be let free. The frustration, the lack of control, the terrible strain it was to conceal everything, conceal emotions when all you want is to just scream your fear. Let loose your concern and worry for just a moment, not just show it, reveal it in the terrible ugly size that it comes in.
Just let go.
Fraser jumped again as Ray suddenly bounced to his feet and started pacing, glass in hand one hand running through his spiky hair.
"Ray?"
All his concern was evident in his voice. Worry, fear, tenderness, all the things that just drove straight into Ray's heart. It was the last straw, the last shards that ripped open a wound that this time was too hard to close. Ray closed his eyes.
The explosion came.
"Do you have any idea what that felt like today, DO yer!"
The sudden steady rise in volume to Ray's voice hurt Fraser's ears.
"What, R..."
"WHAT! What the hell do you mean, 'what'!" He waved his arms in wild motions, emphasising his words with gestures wide enough to endanger some nearby objects. "Doin' what yer did today Fraser! Doin' what yer did! Puttin' yerself in danger YET again and risking yerself for principle, Fraser, for justice. Your *life* for justice"
"Ray, I had to, the only way that ma......"
"Fraser, just stop and think for a moment, just kindly remember for *just* *one* *moment* the next time you plant yerself in front of the bad guy that yer don't have a gun, or *anything* that would be considered a weapon. Something to protect yerself, in case that good 'ol Mountie reason doesn't change their minds." He stopped and took a breath, staring at his glass for a moment before continuing.
"I think you might be exaggerating a......."
"*Exaggerating* *EXAGGERATING*??" Ray stared at Fraser incredulously. "Fraser, do you really think Warfield would have thought twice 'bout having yer bumped off? Do yer? Cos he wouldn't yer know, not by the end of it. You can push a man like that only so far before yer find yerself staring up at the big blue yonder from six foot under."
"Well, actually Ray if you were six foot under you wouldn't act........."
"*Do* *not* *do* *that*, Fraser." Ray's voice was beginning to bounce off the walls. "Do not do that! Don't pick when what I am *trying* to tell you is that I am........"
Ray stopped abruptly. Wide eyed, staring with intense blue eyes right at Fraser. Fraser felt pinned, before Ray turned away sharply, grabbing his glass and downing what was left of his wine.
Fraser paused. "What are you trying to tell me?" He was touched by Ray's concern but wouldn't allow himself to hope when it would more than likely be only his imagination putting that edge to Ray's voice, that look in his eyes.
Ray reached for the wine bottle and poured himself another glass, offering some to Fraser who in a dream held out his glass, which was surprisingly empty. He didn't remember drinking that much.
Ray took another drink. "That I was worried, Frase okay? I was *worried*. For about the millionth time since I met you it seems. For a Mountie you sure seem to have an alarming lack of personal safety. I dunno how Vecchio survived, cos I sure....." Again he stopped.
"I'm sorry I worried you, Ray." Fraser shuffled on his feet, swirling his wine. It unnerved him talking about emotions like this, especially with Ray. "I....well, I suppose I do tend to jump into situations without always thinking about....certain safety aspects."
"Yer telling me!" Ray burst out.
"I didn't mean to make you feel......."
"Yeah, well yer did." Ray took a deep breath. "We're partners right, Frase?" Fraser silently nodded. Ray carried on without noticing. "Partners have to look out for each other, protect, watch, cover yer back. It's only natural that I'm gonna worry about yer safety."
//Okay Kowalski, good cover...// He breathed a sigh of relief
"As I about yours, Ray."
//Okay, I *love* the way he says that.....// He sucked in his breath again as the feelings swirled ominously in his stomach.
Ray turned away, save his emotions would be visible on his face.
The argument or *discussion* seemed to have come to an abrupt end. Picking up his glass and the nearby board game he had dug out of his closet last night as an afterthought, he flopped back down on the couch. Sad he thought, that he had actually excavated the game to play by himself. Yep, yer in a sad state of affairs he chided himself.
"Fancy a game, Frase?"
Fraser eyed the game and nodded, coming to settle next to Ray. Maybe this would be a good way to ease the tension that had suddenly seemed to rise again in the room, a bit of harmless companionable fun between two friends.
cont. in part 2