Disclaimer: as in first part
Part 6:
Chakotay had no idea what the time was when he was jolted awake but it took him several moments to get his bearings and realise what it was that had woken him. It didn’t take long. The shouts form the adjacent room had him struggling out of his covers. Having managed to distangle his legs from the sheets to prevent himself from tripping up he threw them aside and hurried into Tom’s bedroom.
Tom was tossing and turning, fighting the covers. The ones that had remained on the bed, most had been kicked off along with all but one of the pillows. Tom’s head was twisting form side to side, his arms pushing out against the mattress, his hands clenched into fists. His head and chest were covered in a sheen of sweat that glinted in the sparse light in there and his forehead was knitted together in a frown.
Chakotay advanced slowly to the bed not sure what to do. Tom was going to do himself damage soon if he wasn’t woken, he was beginning to fight violently and was pulling against the sheets frantically.
“Tom.” Chakotay sat carefully on the edge of the bed and spoke in an even voice, loud enough to be heard over Tom shouts. “Tom, wake up, Tom, you’re okay. Tom.” Placing a hand on Tom’s shoulder he immediately wished he hadn’t when Tom let loose a scream and desparately pushed himself away from the contact.
“Noooooo!”
*Shit* Chakotay looked around desparately. Then he spotted the hypospray that the the doc had given him earlier, just in case of such an epsiode. With a silent thanks to the doc for his forethought he leaned over and quickly injected Toms neck. Tom immediately went still, his face relaxing and his arms flopping down by his sides. Chakotay sat back, throwing the hypospary onto the side and looked at Tom. His face was still tense, his foreheadstill drawn into a slight frown. Bits of hair were stuck to his forehead and unconsciously he reached down and brushed them aside.
It struck him how different Tom looked when he was asleep. The usual mask that the young pilot wore during the day was gone. Replaced by a younger face, more open expression, though troubled. Knowing the spary would knock Tom until morning Chakotay with one last glance at the sleeping form, turned and headed back to the couch.
In the morning Chakotay woke up to the sound of plates being set down on the table next to his head. With a grunt he opened his eyes and almost immediately went cross-eyed when he was faced with a steaming mug of coffee approxiamately one inch from his face.
“Morning, Commander. Sleep well?” Tom sounded way too awake for - yep - he checked his chronometer, this early in the morning. Chakotay prided himself on being an early riser but after having lain awakwe for quite a while after Tom’s nightmare he was still of the opinion that the couch was the best place to be. That was until he attempted to move and was met by protest from his back and neck. With a grimace he pushed himself upright and was met by a pair of amused blue eyes.
“Yes, I did sleep well, I think its just the getting up part that I’d like to avoid.” Chakotay groaned.
Tom smiled and passed over a plate of toast. “I wan’t sure what you’d like for breakfast so I stuck with toast and some fruit. Its what I normally have anyway.”
“Thanks.”
Chakotay watched as Tom took a bite of toast and then spent the next few moments jabbing it on the plate and making patterns in the crumbs. After a few more jabs he threw it down on the plate and took a piece of fruit which he proceeded to juggled in his hands. Chakotay raised his eyebrows.
“You going to eat anything or just play?”
Tom turned, amusement rallying with irritation in his voice. “You sound like my aunt.”
“Sorry.” Chakotay grimaced apoligetically. “But breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day. Don’t want you fainting in fornt of the doc.”
This time it was Tom’s turn to grimace. “Yeah.” He took a bite out of the fruit and chewed. A funny look came over his face as he stopped and them continued chewing.
“You haven’t been eating much have you?”
Tom didn’t turn round. His eyes flickered downwards and he shrugged. “Just haven’t had the appetite lately thats all.”
Chakotay didn’t say anything else but Tom could feel him looking at him. After a moment he got up and walked over to the viewport, still clutching the fruit.
“I had another.....dream, last night.”
“I know.”
Tom turned sharply.
“You were shouting, I came in and used a sedative the Doc gave me.” Chakotay glanced at Tom’s clenching fists. “Are they all like that?”
Tom dropped his look to stare at the fruit still clutched in his hand, pausing. “Pretty much.”
“For all this time?”
“Yes! For all this time! Tom suddenly exploded. “What do you want, a confession?” He whipped round and walked towards the computer before stopping still, turning on the spot as if to go into the bedroom and then stopped again. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I...its just getting me down okay?”
“Okay.” Chakotay cradled his mug of coffee.
Tom hestitated and then came and sat down on the other end of the couch. “Chakotay?.” He paused again. “Do you...have you felt it?” He turned curious blue eyes on the Commander. “Is it just me or....”
Chakotay took a deep breath. “I think...I have felt it.”
Tom’s face relaxed slighty. “What have you felt?”
“A link. A sort of connection that I can’t explain.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve felt it for a while now, but ever since I was asked to help you as a counsellor its been getting stronger. Its like....its hard to explain, but I’ve felt almost....protective, I think about you all the time, I need to know where you are, to know if you’re alright. It’s really unprofessional of me as both cousellor and Commander,” he laughed softly, “But I can’t explain or control what I’m feeling.” He shrugged and looked at Tom whose eyes had gotten bigger with every word he had said.
“I....I...I keep thinking about you. “ Tim confessed haltingly. “When I have the dreams the ones like last night, the one presence that is always there, like a rock, is you. Its the one thing I can cling to each time. I know you’ll be there. more....?
“Tom, you mentioned the ones like last night. Are there other dreams you have?”
Tom’s face immediately clammed up and Chakotay could almost see the shields zip back up into place. “Its just a figure of speech, Chakotay.”
“Tom, don’t lie.”
“What do you want me to say, Chakotay?” Tom’s voice gradually rose in volume until he was shouting. “That I have nightmares all the time, that I have flashbacks to my past, to all the things that I’ve screwed up, to all the times I was.....” His voice falterd slightly before he carried on. “That I wake up screaming almost every night, drenched in sweat and I’m too scared and to fed up to try and sleep again when I know I’ll just wake up again in exactly the same way!” He gasped for breath. “Is that what you want me to say, is it?”
“If thats what been happening, then yes.” Chakotay calmly answered, although inside his mind was whirling with all that Tom had just told him. “If this is what has been affecting you to the extent that the Captain, the Doc,me and countless others probably have noticed, then yes, I want you to say it, Tom.”
Tom stood there, his breathing labored and heavy, his eyes were wide and staring at Chakotay. Chakotay stared back. Tom raised his hands to clasp either side of his head and sqeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t stop the images.” His voice was quiet, almost none-existent following his tirade from the moment before. “I’ve always had...nightmares that I’m.....’used’ to, but now everything starting to get muddled. I can’t separate them, and now I’m not sure what’s real and what isn’t. Cause there’s stuff going on that I’m pretty sure hasn’t happened.”
“For how long?”
“I dunno. It was only since I tried your spirit walk that I realised that there *was* different stuff going on. Until then it was pretty much hidden along with everything else. I’m used to nightmares Commander, I don’t let them into my waking life, they stay at night. I don’t *think* about them and I don’t *bother* about them. But now...lately they were getting more and more and I...thats when I stared taking the heotrancylin. I just never took any notice about what they were. Its the way I survive Commander and its worked for a long time.”
“But now?”
“Now, I can’t get them out of my head. Its like yesterday released a valve or sommat cos now I can see the differences and I can’t stop them.” He sat down on the couch again.
Chakotay sat forward and took a mental breath. “What have you felt, Tom? You said you felt something and you said you keep thinking about me. Why?”
Tom looked up at him, his face more open than Chakotay could ever remember seeing it. “I don’t know, Chakotay. Well....” he faltered and dropped his eyes. “I...feel you, you know, in my dreams like I said and you make me feel safe. I can’t explain how and I don’t know why, but when I’m in scared and...in pain *there*.....I feel you there, even when you’re not there. I know you’ll be there for me afterwards. Its the thought of you that keeps me going.” He ducked his head slightly. “Before. I never realised who it was. But when you were holding me yesterday I remembered.......” His voice trailed off. “I could see your face, smell you, feel you....I could recall....” He looked up at Chakotay his eyes shiny with unshed tears. “ I remembered....” He hestitated. “And I liked how I felt.”
Chakotay took another mental breath, except this one was slightly larger. Moving closer he spoke gently. “Tom, I want to help you through this, if you’ll let me. Will you?”
Tom, not sure he could speak, only nodded. The next moment they were in each others arms. Neither sure how it happened but somehow knowing that it *needed* to happen. Tom’s arms were clinging to Chakotay, he could feel Tom’s fingers gripping his uniform tightly. He held back just as firmly, sensing that that was what Tom really needed. To be held. He had just confessed that in all of his dreams he was there, and it was his presence that was helping him survive whatever horrors were terrorising him in the dreaming world. He had confessed that it was the feeling of Chakotay holding him yeserday that had reminded him of who it was that was in his dreams and that he had felt the safest he had been for along time.
Chakotay’s mind was whirling. He was confused as to what exactly was going on. He had Tom in his arms and it felt right. Having Tom confess to him what had been happening to him made him realise what he was feeling. Off and on for the last few weeks he had noticed a change in his feeling towards the young pilot, but it was only now after this that it gave him the focus to examine *what* it was he was feeling. He had noticed ever since that night at Harry’s birthday party strange emotions playing around in his mind but he had put it down to concern for a member of the crew, a vital member. He had thought about Tom’s reaction that night when he had landed on him on the bed and that had worried and confused him. If he were honest he’d admit that it had been playing on his mind ever since. That everything about the pilot had been playing on his mind.
He had been concerned and perhaps a bit worried, but nothing had seeped past that barrier of professional interest. Or so he had thought. Somewhere along the line he hadn’t noticed that his interest had deepened and grown to something more. Whether that was linked in any way with what Tom had nowe confessed he was experiencing, or was something else separate, he wasn’t sure. But there were things going on in his own head that needed looking at.
However those could be dealt with privately. There were more important things going on with Tom. His thoughts moved to the coming session with the Doc today. Provided the Captain agreed, which Chakotay had no doubt that she would.
It scared him. What they would find. For Tom, and himself he was honest enough to admit. For some reason he was caught up in this experience and he wanted to know why. What Tom was experiencing was a mystery and he had a suspicion that it was a lot more than what it appeared to be. Tom was haveing dreams that seemed to be much more than dreams, they were consent, more so than the usual consistent nightmare that people suffer from and that Tom himself had admited he suffered from. So obviously to affect him the way they had they had to be something more.
It was his spirit walk that had somehow activated the gateway and let through so much that Tom couldn’t handle it the same way he did when he was asleep and processing it through the dissemination of the dream state. It could cope there with the various images and emotions, it presented them in a forma that Tom could accept, just. But in the spirit world for some reason it had caused an avalanche that Tom’s mind couldn’t accept and had overwhelmed him.
Something had come out of it at least. For one Tom had realised that the figure in his dreams or visions was Chakotay himself and that the nightmares he was having were indeed something separate from his normal nightmares. *Normal nightmares*. Was there such a thing? For Tom there seemed to be. What sort of life did he live when he had nightmares that he considered to be part of his *normal life*? What had he experienced or seen? It worried and confused Chakotay and his newly found feelings toeardsthe man currently in his arms. The one that felt so right to be there. It was strange, but all he knew was that it felt right and it was giving confort to someone who desparately needed it. Whether that person knew it or not.
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