(lights up on a Boy in is living room, doing homework. There is a couch upstage center, and on it is a Man, sleeping. He snores occasionally; other than that, he goes unnoticed. There is a TV downstage right, back facing the audience, and a table stage left, with a radio, TV remote, and cordless phone on it.)
(phone rings)
BOY (answering phone): Yeah, hello?
MAN (on telephone): Hi! I’m from Snarf ’n’ Barf Catering Co.! How would you like to hear about the benefits of our latest dishes?
BOY: Uh... o-kaaay, sure.
(heaving, gagging sound is heard. Boy reacts, cringing and holding the phone away from his ear)
MAN (chuckling): Oh, sorry about that... that was the barf part. But uh, I assure you, the snarf part is much more—
(is cut off as the Boy abruptly hangs up)
BOY: (rolls eyes) Oh, brother. Telemarketers just drive me crazy!
(at the word “crazy,” Man on the couch, who until now has been a vegetable, suddenly sits bolt upright and begins chattering neurotically)
MAN (very fast): Crazy? Crazy, did somebody say crazy? I was crazy once; they put me in a red rubber room with red rubber rats and red roaches and rabid rabbits and--- and reindeer... reindeer with rifles. And rangers! Red... rabid... raving rangers... with RAZORS!!! And, and the tinfoil... the, the r-r-rr-rats made nests out of the tinfoil... (calms down momentarily) I slept in one once... (speeds up again) and that’s what made me crazy. Crazy? Did somebody say crazy? I was crazy once... (ad lib repeat until offstage)
(as Man continues chattering, two Doctors in white lab coats enter from stage right with a net. Throwing it over the Man, the Doctors drag him off stage. Boy watches entire event staring, bewildered. He gives up on homework and turns on the TV)
(some TV show is heard, then is interrupted by a notice/commercial)
JENNY CRUD: Hi! We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you... me! I’m Jenny Crud, and I’d like to take this moment to tell you about my newest diet plan, sponsored by Snarf ‘n’ Barf Catering Co. This all new plan is the simplest ever: you snarf it, and then you barf it! If you like it, you get it back! If you don’t like it, you still get it back! It has got to be, by far, the best diet plan on the market! And in terms of regain after hair loss, it’s better than Rocaine! So, just call 555-
(is cut off as Boy shuts off TV)
BOY (annoyed): (sighs) Crazy!
(Man, scraps of net still hanging from his head, etc., staggers in)
MAN: (ad lib earlier ravings)
(Doctors enter again and drag Man off. Boy sighs, massages headache, then reaches to turn on radio)
RUSH LIMBURGER: Hi, and welcome back to the Rush Limburger show. Today, we’re chatting with Monica Lewinsky, and right now, she would like to take this time to discuss the benefits of the new Snarf ‘n’ Barf diet plan.
MONICA LEWINSKY (high, lazy, ditzy voice): Hi. I’m Monica. Ya know, lately I’ve been feelin’ kinda chunky? Ya know, kinda fat? But now, with the Snarf ‘n’ Barf diet plan by Jenny Crud, I’ve lost two whole pounds every day during this 30-day trial period. And it’s just soooo simple! Ya snarf it, and then ya barf it! What could be easier than that? Oh, if only Bill could see me now!
(Boy switches off radio, disgusted. During this time, Man, now calmed down, has sneaked back into the room, no more net, and is lying on the couch again)
BOY (angry): Crazy...
(Man sits up)
MAN (echoing): Crazy?
BOY (building): *Crazy...*
(Man stands)
MAN (echoing): Crazy...
BOY: (loses it) They’re all... CRAZY!!!
MAN (happy, sing-song voice): (flaps hands like a birdie) Cray-zee!
(doorbell rings. Boy walks over and opens door. A Guy is standing there with a tray of fast food in his hands and a dumb expression on his face)
GUY: Uh... Somebody order a Snarf ‘n’ Barf Value Meal?
(lights down)
THE END