EXCLUSIVE!!!
Inside information on
STAR TREK: SERIES FIVE!!!

The Celestial Temple is proud to present exclusive behind-the-scenes information on the next Star Trek series, currently in development under the working title of "Star Trek: Excellent". The following has NOT been published on the web before and is exclusive to Celestial Temple.

WARNING: Spoilers galore! Proceed at your own discretion.

Chairman: Good morning, gentleman. So, how's it going?

Rick Berman: I'm pleased to tell you that Mr Braga and myself have made progress in leaps and bounds since our last meeting.

Chairman: Excellent! That's what I like to hear. After all, time is money and all that. Anyway, fire away.

Berman: Well, first of all, we've carefully and painstakingly selected a title for the new series. How does "Star Trek: The Next Degeneration" sound?

Chairman: It sounds good, but isn't it a little too similar to Star Trek: The Next Generation?

Berman: Ah, but we were hoping that our less-intelligent viewers -- which, let's face it, is the vast majority of the audience -- might mistakingly think that they ARE watching The Next Generation! After all, The Next Generation was just so damned popular and could never put a foot wrong. With me?

Chairman: No. Sounds too similar. Change it.

Brannon Braga: I know, I know, Mr Chairman!! How about "Star Trek: Excellent"?! If we call it that, people will immediately think it's called "Excellent" because it is excellent!

Chairman: You know, son, I like your train of thought. "Excellent" it is!

Berman (miffed): Yes, well, we're setting it on a starship called the USS Fluffy.

Chairman: USS Fluffy? Where'd you get a name like that?

Braga: We named it after my cat.

Chairman: I seeeeee. Go on...

Berman: The starship Fluffy travels to the far reaches of the galaxy where it's very hot. In fact it's so hot that the crew can't wear standard Starfleet uniforms. Instead they have to wear bathing suits.

Chairman (eyebrows raise): Hmmm. Me like, me like!

Braga: Yes, and in the first episode an alien microbe infects the ship and enters the bodies of the female officers. Unfortunately there is no cure and the effects of the microbe are permanent!

Chairman: What effects are those?

Braga: Their boobs swell up like balloons!

Chairman (foaming at the mouth): Ingenius! Utterly ingenius!

Berman: We're glad you think so, Mr Chairman. As for characters, we'd like your permission to transfer one of Voyager's characters aboard the Fluffy. For some reason, whenever we get down to thinking about characters, one keeps springing to mind -- Seven of Nine!

Braga: Seven of Nine -- my proudest contribution to the annals of Star Trek! Just imagine her aboard the Fluffy, with her enlargening cleavage and her silver bathing suit...

Chairman: Done and done!! Get whats-'er-face Ryan signed up ASAP!

Berman: It's agreed, then. Seven shall be the Fluffy's First Officer!

Chairman: But she isn't a Starfleet officer, is she?

Braga: So?!!! Who gives a @*^#! except geeky fans?!! To hell with them, I say!

Berman: Other characters include the science officer, a voluptuous brunette, from a species who must have sex every twenty-four hours...or they die!!

Braga: Yeah, so every week we'll have our gratuitous sex quotient. Oh -- and she's a lesbian!!!!!! Great, huh?

Chairman: Fantastic!! A pay-rise for both of you! Just fan-bloody-tastic!!! Now, what about a Captain?

Berman: Well, I was thinking along the lines of having a Ferengi Captain. You see, I've always admired the Ferengi. They remind me of myself -- shrewd businessmen! Shrewd, sexy businessmen. In fact, I believe Gene had me in mind when he created the Ferengi. I was deeply honoured when I found out.

Chairman: I was under the impression that the fans don't like the Ferengi...

Braga (snorts): Pa ha ha ha!! Your point?

Chairman: It sounds like you're off to a good start, gentlemen. I like what I hear -- bathing suits, big boobs, sex-crazed lesbians...

Berman: And Seven of Nine.

Chairman: Yeah, big boobs. Have I missed anything?

Braga: We'll be having lots and lots of action and guns and explosions and fighting and space fights and action and...

Chairman: Just promise me one thing -- it had better be nothing like that awful Deep Space Nine. Let's just NOT go there. Complete waste of everyone's time.

Braga: Hear, hear! Who wants realistic character development, continuity and ongoing plots dealing with complex, thought-provoking issues when you can have big boobs, guns, bathing costumes, explosions and more big boobs?

Berman: It's agreed then! We'll get working on a pilot script right away. One last thing, Mr Chairman -- you're new here, aren't you? Could I perhaps have your name, just for the record?

Chairman: Why, certainly! I'm Mr U. Bean Had!

But then you'd probably guessed that already!

You can either take this as a belated April Fool's joke or a satirical look at where I fear Messiuers Berman and Braga will take the Star Trek franchise. Obviously, the USS Fluffy and its well-endowed crew step into the realms of parody, but it's not, alas, without a a grain of truth. I'm rarely a cynical person by nature, but in this instance I am deeply concerned about the future of Star Trek.

However, I would love nothing more than to be proven wrong!! I would quite happily eat these very words should Series Five turn out to be a hit. I guess only time will tell. But for the moment I reserve my right to fear the worst.


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