The Argument Clinic
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Man - Terry Gilliam
Mr. Barnard - Graham Chapman
Mr. Vibrating - John Cleese
Spreaders - Terry Jones
Man in Charge - Eric Idle
Receptionist - Rita Davies
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A reception desk in a sort of office building.
Receptionist
Yes, sir?
Man
I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist
Certainly sir, have you been here before . . .?
Man
No, this is my first time.
Receptionist
I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a
course?
Man
Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist
Yes, it's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds fo a course
of ten.
Man
Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from
there. OK?
Receptionist
Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment . . . Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit
conciliatory . . . Yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12.
Man
Thank you.
The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.
Mr Barnard
(shouting) What do you want?
Man
Wel I was told outside . . .
Mr Barnard
Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man
What!
Mr Barnard
Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-
nosed malodorous pervert!!
Man
Look! I came here for an argument.
Mr Barnard
(calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Man
Oh I see, that explains it.
Mr Barnard
No, you want room 12A next door.
Man
I see - sorry. (exits)
Mr Barnard
Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.
Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating
(from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man
Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating
I've told you once.
Man
When?
Mr Vibrating
Just now!
Man
No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating
Yes I did!
Man
Didn't
Mr Vibrating
Did.
Man
Didn't.
Mr Vibrating
I'm telling you I did!
Man
You did not!
Mr Vibrating
I'm sorry, is this a five-minute argument, or the full half-hour?
Man
Oh . . . Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating
Fine (makes a note of it; the man sits down) thank you. Anyway I did.
Man
You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating
Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man
You did not.
Mr Vibrating
Yes I did.
Man
You did not
Mr Vibrating
Yes I did.
Man
Didn't.
Mr Vibrating
Yes I did.
Man
Didn't.
Mr Vibrating
Yes I did!!
Man
Look this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating
Yes it is.
Man
No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating
No it isn't.
Man
Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating
It is not.
Man
It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating
No I didn't
Man
No I didn't.
Mr Vibrating
Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating
No, no, no, no, no.
Man
You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating
No, nonsense!
Man
Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating
No it isn't.
Man
I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating
No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man
Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating
It can be.
Man
No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite
proposition.
Mr Vibrating
No it isn't.
Man
Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating
Look, if I argue with you I must take up a contrary position.
Man
But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
Mr Vibrating
Yes it is.
Man
No it isn't, argument is an intellectual process . . . contradiction is just the
automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating
No it isn't.
Man
Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating
Not at all.
Man
Now look!
Mr Vibrating
(pressing the bell on his desk) Thank you, good morning.
Man
What?
Mr Vibrating
That's it. Good morning.
Man
But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating
Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man
That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating
I'm afraid it was.
Man
No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
Man
What!?
Mr Vibrating
If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man
But that was never five minutes just now . . . oh come on! (Vibrating looks round
as though man was not there) This is rediculous.
Mr Vibrating
I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man
Oh. All right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating
Thank you.
Man
Well?
Mr Vibrating
Well what?
Man
That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating
I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man
I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating
No you didn't.
Man
I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating
No you didn't.
Man
Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating
Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man
Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing . . . got you!
Mr Vibrating
No you haven't.
Man
Yes I have . . . if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man
I'v had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating
No you haven't.
Man
Oh shut up! (he leaves and sees a door marked complaints; he goes in) I want to
complain.
Man in Charge
You want to complain . . . look at these shoes . . . I've only had them three weeks
and the heels are worn right through.
Man
No, I want to complain about . . .
Man in Charge
If you complain nothing happens . . . you might just as well not bother. My back
hurts . . . (the man exits, walks down the coridor and enters a room)
Man
I want to complain. ('Spreaders' who is just inside door hits man on the head with a
mallet) Ooh!
Spreaders
No, no, no, hold your head like this, and then go 'waaagh'! Try it again. (he hits
him again)
Man
Waaghh!
Spreaders
Better. Better. But 'waaaaagh'! 'Waaaagh'! Hold your hands here . . .
Man
No!
Spreaders
Now. (hits him)
Man
Waagh!
Spreaders
That's it. That's it. Good.
Man
Stop hitting me.
Spreaders
Stop hitting you?
Man
Yes
Spreaders
What did you come in here for then?
Man
I came here to complain.
Spreaders
Oh I'm sorry, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.
Man
What a stupid concept.
-End-
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