The Cheese Shop
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Wensleydale / Viking - Michael Palin
Mousebender - John Cleese
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------       Interior of the cheese shop. Greek music playing as Mousebender enters. Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually no cheese to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Mousebender approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Wensleydale appears.

Wensleydale
	Good morning, sir.
	
Mousebender
	Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond street just now, 	skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Warpole when suddenly I came over 	all peckish.
	
Wensleydale
	Peckish, sir?
	
Mousebender
	Esurient.
	
Wensleydale
	Eh?
	
Mousebender
	(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all hungry, like.
	
Wensleydale
	Oh, hungry.
	
Mousebender
	(normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself 'a little fermented curd will do 	the trick.' So I curtailed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your 	place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks 	his lips)
	
Wensleydale
	Come again.
	
Mousebender
	(broad Northern accent) I want to buy some cheese.
	
Wensleydale
	Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
	
Mousebender
	(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifistations of the 	terpsichorean muse.
	
Wensleydale
	Sorry?

Mousebender
	I like a nice dance - you're forced to.

Quick cut to Viking.

Viking
	(broad Northern accent) Anyway.

Cut back to shop.

Wensleydale
	Who said that?

Mousebender
	(normal voice) Now my good man, some cheese, please.

Wensleydale
	Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?

Mousebender
	Well, how about a little Red Leicester?

Wensleydale
	I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.

Mousebender
	Oh never mind. How are you on Tilsit?

Wensleydale
	Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.

Mousebender
	Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout 	yeoman.

Wensleydale
	Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.

Mousebender
	Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, Bel Paese?

Wensleydale
	Sorry.

Mousebender
	Red Windsor?

Wensleydale
	Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down.

Mousebender
	Ah. Stilton?

Wensleydale
	Sorry.

Mousebender
	Gruyère, Emmental?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Liptaure?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Lancashire?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	White Stilton?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Danish Blue?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Double Glouster?

Wensleydale
	. . . No.

Mousebender
	Chesire?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Any Dorset Blue Vinney?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-I'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-	L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue, Perle de Champagne, Camembert?

Wensleydale
	Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.

Mousebender
	You do. Exellent.

Wensleydale
	It's a bit runny, sir.

Mousebender
	Oh, I like it runny.

Wensleydale
	Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.

Mousebender
	No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle 	Camembert, s'il vous plaît.

Wensleydale
	I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.

Mousebender
	(smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all 	speed.

Wensleydale
	Yes, sir. (bends below the counterand reappears) Oh . . .

Mousebender
	What?

Wensleydale
	The cat's eaten it.

Mousebender
	Has he?

Wensleydale
	She, sir.

Mousebender
	Gouda?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Edam?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Caithness?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Smoked Austrian?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Sage Derby?

Wensleydale
	No, sir.

Mousebender
	You do have some cheese, do you?

Wensleydale
	Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got . . .

Mousebender
	No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Wensleydale
	Fair enough.

Mousebender
	Wensleydale?

Wensleydale
	Yes, sir?

Mousebender
	Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.

Wensleydale
	Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Wensleydale.

Mousebender
	Gorgonzola?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Parmesan?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Mozzerella?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Pippo Crème?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Any Danish Fimboe?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Wensleydale
	Not today sir, no.

Mousebender
	Well let's keep it simple, how about Cheddar?

Wensleydale
	Well I'm afraid we don't get much cal for it around these parts.

Mousebender
	No call for it? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Wensleydale
	Not round these parts, sir.

Mousebender
	And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?

Wensleydale
	Ilchester, sir.

Mousebender
	I see.

Wensleydale
	Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.

Mousebender
	Is it?

Wensleydale
	Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.

Mousebender
	Is it?
	
Wensleydale
	Yes, sir.

Mousebender
	Ilchester, eh?

Wensleydale
	Right.

Mousebender
	OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?

Wensleydale
	I'll have a look sir . . . nnnnnnooooooooo.

Mousebender
	It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?

Wensleydale
	Finest in the district, sir.

Mousebender
	And what leads you to that conclusion?

Wensleydale
	Well, it's so clean.

Mousebender
	Well it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.

Wensleydale
	You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.

Mousebender
	Is it worth it?

Wensleydale
	Could be.

Mousebender
	OK, have you . . . (shouts) will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)

Wensleydale
	(to dancers) Told you so.

Mousebender
	Have you got any Limberger?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	No, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of pure optimism to 	pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at 	all?

Wensleydale
	Yes, sir.

Mousebender
	Now I'm going to ask you the question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to 	shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?

Wensleydale
	No.

Mousebender
	(shoots him) What a sensless waste of human life.

-End-
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