The Cheese Shop
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Wensleydale / Viking - Michael Palin
Mousebender - John Cleese
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interior of the cheese shop. Greek music playing as Mousebender enters. Two men dressed as city gents are Greek dancing in the corner to the music of a bouzouki. The shop itself is large and redolent of the charm and languidity of a bygone age. There is actually no cheese to be seen either on or behind the counter but this is not obvious. Mousebender approaches the counter and rings a small handbell. Wensleydale appears.
Wensleydale
Good morning, sir.
Mousebender
Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Warpole when suddenly I came over all peckish.
Wensleydale
Peckish, sir?
Mousebender
Esurient.
Wensleydale
Eh?
Mousebender
(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all hungry, like.
Wensleydale
Oh, hungry.
Mousebender
(normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself 'a little fermented curd will do the trick.' So I curtailed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. (smacks his lips)
Wensleydale
Come again.
Mousebender
(broad Northern accent) I want to buy some cheese.
Wensleydale
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
Mousebender
(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifistations of the terpsichorean muse.
Wensleydale
Sorry?
Mousebender
I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Quick cut to Viking.
Viking
(broad Northern accent) Anyway.
Cut back to shop.
Wensleydale
Who said that?
Mousebender
(normal voice) Now my good man, some cheese, please.
Wensleydale
Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Mousebender
Well, how about a little Red Leicester?
Wensleydale
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
Mousebender
Oh never mind. How are you on Tilsit?
Wensleydale
Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
Mousebender
Tish, tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Wensleydale
Ah, well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Mousebender
Yes, it's not my day is it. Er, Bel Paese?
Wensleydale
Sorry.
Mousebender
Red Windsor?
Wensleydale
Normally sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Mousebender
Ah. Stilton?
Wensleydale
Sorry.
Mousebender
Gruyère, Emmental?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Liptaure?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Lancashire?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
White Stilton?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Danish Blue?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Double Glouster?
Wensleydale
. . . No.
Mousebender
Chesire?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Any Dorset Blue Vinney?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-I'Évêque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de- L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue, Perle de Champagne, Camembert?
Wensleydale
Ah! We do have some Camembert, sir.
Mousebender
You do. Exellent.
Wensleydale
It's a bit runny, sir.
Mousebender
Oh, I like it runny.
Wensleydale
Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir.
Mousebender
No matter. No matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plaît.
Wensleydale
I think it's runnier than you like it, sir.
Mousebender
(smiling grimly) I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wensleydale
Yes, sir. (bends below the counterand reappears) Oh . . .
Mousebender
What?
Wensleydale
The cat's eaten it.
Mousebender
Has he?
Wensleydale
She, sir.
Mousebender
Gouda?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Edam?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Caithness?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Smoked Austrian?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Sage Derby?
Wensleydale
No, sir.
Mousebender
You do have some cheese, do you?
Wensleydale
Certainly, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got . . .
Mousebender
No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wensleydale
Fair enough.
Mousebender
Wensleydale?
Wensleydale
Yes, sir?
Mousebender
Splendid. Well, I'll have some of that then, please.
Wensleydale
Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Wensleydale.
Mousebender
Gorgonzola?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Parmesan?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Mozzerella?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Pippo Crème?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Any Danish Fimboe?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Czechoslovakian Sheep's Milk Cheese?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wensleydale
Not today sir, no.
Mousebender
Well let's keep it simple, how about Cheddar?
Wensleydale
Well I'm afraid we don't get much cal for it around these parts.
Mousebender
No call for it? It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wensleydale
Not round these parts, sir.
Mousebender
And pray what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
Wensleydale
Ilchester, sir.
Mousebender
I see.
Wensleydale
Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Mousebender
Is it?
Wensleydale
Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Mousebender
Is it?
Wensleydale
Yes, sir.
Mousebender
Ilchester, eh?
Wensleydale
Right.
Mousebender
OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
Wensleydale
I'll have a look sir . . . nnnnnnooooooooo.
Mousebender
It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?
Wensleydale
Finest in the district, sir.
Mousebender
And what leads you to that conclusion?
Wensleydale
Well, it's so clean.
Mousebender
Well it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
Wensleydale
You haven't asked me about Limberger, sir.
Mousebender
Is it worth it?
Wensleydale
Could be.
Mousebender
OK, have you . . . (shouts) will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)
Wensleydale
(to dancers) Told you so.
Mousebender
Have you got any Limberger?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
No, that figures. It was pretty predictable really. It was an act of pure optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale
Yes, sir.
Mousebender
Now I'm going to ask you the question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
Wensleydale
No.
Mousebender
(shoots him) What a sensless waste of human life.
-End-
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