Dead Parrot Sketch
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Mr. Praline - John Cleese
Shopkeeper - Michael Palin
Porter - Terry Jones
Colonel - Graham Chapman
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Mr. Praline walks into the pet shop carrying a dead parrot in a cage.
He walks to counter where shopkeeper tries to hide below cash register.
Praline
Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss?
Shopkeeper
What do you mean, miss?
Praline
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.
Shopkeeper
Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Praline
Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Shopkeeper
Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?
Praline
I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Shopkeeper
No, no it's resting, look!
Praline
Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at
one right now.
Shopkeeper
No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting.
Praline
Resting?
Shopkeeper
Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, innit?
Praline
The plumage don't enter into it - it's stone dead.
Shopkeeper
No, no - it's just resting.
Praline
All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly!
I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot!
Shopkeeper
(jogging the cage) There it moved.
Praline
No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
Shopkeeper
I did not.
Praline
Yes you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it
against counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets
it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Shopkeeper
No, no it's stunned.
Praline
Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased.
And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that it's lack of
movement was due to it being tired and shagged after a long squawk.
Shopkeeper
It's probably pining for the fiords.
Praline
Pining for the fiords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on it's
back the moment I got it home?
Shopkeeper
The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on it's back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Praline
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only
reason that it had been sitting on it's perch in the first place was that it had been
nailed there.
Shopkeeper
Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would have muscle up to those
bars and voom.
Praline
Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand
volts through it. It's bleeding demised.
Shopkeeper
It's not, it's pining.
Praline
It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's
expired and gone to meet it's maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of
life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing
up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is
an ex-parrot.
Shopkeeper
Well, I'd better replace it then.
Praline
(to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to
complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Shopkeeper
Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots.
Praline
I see. I see. I get the picture.
Shopkeeper
I've got a slug.
Praline
Does it talk?
Shopkeeper
Not really, no.
Praline
Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it?
Shopkeeper
Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my
brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you.
Praline
Bolton eh?
Shopkeeper
Yeah.
Praline
All right.
He leaves, holding the parrot.
CAPTION: 'A SIMILAR PET SHOP IN BOLTON, LANCS'
Close-up of sign on door reading: 'Similar Pet Shops Ltd.' Pull back from sign to see
same pet shop. Shopkeeper now has moustache. Praline walks into shop. He looks around
with interest, noticing the empty parrot cage still on the floor.
Praline
Er, excuse me. This is Bolton, is it?
Shopkeeper
No, no it's, er, Ipswich.
Praline
(to camera) That's Inter-City Rail for you. (leaves)
Man in porter's outfit standing at complaints desk for railways. Praline approaches.
Praline
I wish to make a complaint.
Porter
I don't have to do this, you know.
Praline
I beg your pardon?
Porter
I'm a qualified brain surgeon. I only do this because I like being my own boss.
Praline
Er, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Porter
Oh yeah, it's not easy to pad out these thirty minutes.
Praline
Well I wish to make a complaint. I got on the Bolton train and found myself
deposited here in Ipswich.
Porter
No, this is Bolton.
Praline
(to camera) The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
Porter
Well you can't blame British Rail for that.
Praline
If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.
CAPTION: 'A LITTLE LATER LTD'
Praline walks into the shop again.
Praline
I understand that this is Bolton.
Shopkeeper
Yes.
Praline
Well, you told me it was Ipswich.
Shopkeeper
It was a pun.
Praline
A pun?
Shopkeeper
No, no, not a pun, mo. What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as
forwards?
Praline
A palindrome?
Shopkeeper
Yes, yes.
Praline
It's not a palindrome. The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob. It don't work.
Shopkeeper
Look, what do you want?
Praline
No I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to pursue my line of enquiry any further as I think
this is getting too silly.
Colonel
(coming in) Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly. Silly . . . silly. Right get on with it.
Get on with it.
-END-
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