(Bart writes "The Truth is Not Out There" on the blackboard, The Simpsons use rocket packs to land on the couch)
Lenord Nimoy: (Sitting behind a darkened desk) Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer . . . is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield . . . (Opens a story book)
Lisa: It's just that the people who claim to have seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh . . . and you . . . dad. Ha ha.
Bart: (Bart runs in with a water pistol, and slinky eyes) I am the thing . . . from Uranus!
Homer: Ahhh! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked, by my own children.
FBI
Division of Paranormal Activity
Washington, D.C.
(There is a picture of J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, Scully is typing on the computer, she has a mug with an 'X' on it.)
Mulder: Look at this, Scully. (Shows her the Springfield Shopper newspaper, headline: "Human Blimp Sees Flying Saucer", with a picture of Homer) There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Simpson Home
Springfield, USA
(Mulder knocks on the door, and Marge answers)
Marge: Hello. Can I help you?
Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully. FBI. (Pull out their ID's, Mulder's has a picuture of him in black Speedos)
Marge: Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse, then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up, and that just made things worse. (hyperventilates)
Scully: Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter.
Marge: Oh, good. Come . . . come in.
(An exterior of a building is shown: The sign reads: FBI Springfield Branch. Invading Your Privacy For 60 Years)
Scully: (At a lineup) Mr Simpson, look at this line-up and tell us if any of these is the aliens you saw. (The lineup is Marvin the Martian, Robocop, Chewbacca, Alf, and Krang)
Alf: Yo!
Homer: No, I'm sorry.
Marvin the Martian: (The aliens leave) This makes me very angry!
(In an interrogation room, Cigarette Smoking Man hides in a corner, while Scully prepares tests. Mulder has a clipboard with a large 'X' on it)
Scully: Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple liedetector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes! (The machine blows up)
Homer: (In another lab, Scully taps Homer's knee for reflex. The knee moves one hour later) Ohh!
Mulder: (Homer, in his underpants and shoes, has electrodes attatched to him while he jogs on a treadmill) Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.
Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.
Moe's Bar
3:02 pm
Temperature 72o
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Mulder: (In the bar) All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
Homer: (10 beers later) You are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God I love her! Hey, a penny! (Dives to grab it)
Moe: So uh, so what are you guys anyhow?
Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
Moe: FBI, huh? Excuse me. (Goes to the back room, where two boys are hosing down a whale) All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World.
Homer: (Even more drunk) So I said, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end.
Scully: Mr Simpson, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar.
Homer: (In the forest) I was standing right here, when the horrible creature emerged from the woods. (There is a rustling from a bush, and Mulder and Scully pull out their guns)
Grandpa: (Grandpa emerges) God help me! I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth! There he is. (Chases the turtle) Come back here, you! Shut up! I'll get you . . .
Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
Grandpa: Ow, it bit me with my own teeth!
Scully: No, this is much more irritating. I've seen enough Mulder, let's go.
Mulder: Yeah okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us. (Scully rolls her eyes, and leaves) There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. (Hours later) When you consider the wonders that exist all around us, Voodoo priests of Haiti, Tibetan Numerologists of Appalachia. The unsolved mysteries of . . . unsolved mysteries. The truth . . . is out there!
Friday
(A 'Welcome Alien' banner is in the woods, and the band plays 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. Everyone is in the woods waiting for the alien, including Jimbo Jones with a sign, 'Alien Dude: Need Two Tickets to Pearl Jam')
Homer: I'll take two. (Suddenly, the clouds draw together and the X-Files theme plays, as a green figure approaches)
Krusty: Ahhh!
Homer: Look. There it is!
Marge: Oh, Homey. Honey I'm so sorry I doubted you.
Alien: I bring you love.
Dr. Hibbert: Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar?
Alien: Ah, I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Willy: Break its legs!
Chorus: Good morning star shine . . . (Scully is seen wearing a 'Homer is a Dope' T-shirt, singing with Mulder and Chewbacca)
In the end credits:
This production has not been approved, endorsed, or authorized by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
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