Nancy Kline: Honey, would you just calm down. Rules are rules.
Dave Kline: They're repainting our mailbox because it's "Desert Sienna" instead of "Desert Sage." I mean, this guy is a freakin' weirdo.
(Mulder and Scully get out of the van. Mulder is in a pink Izod shirt and has a dark sweater tied around his shoulders. Scully is in a dark embroidered cardigan and a dark skirt. Very preppy.)
Mulder: Wow. Take a look at this. Honey, what do you think? Is this place us or what?
[Closed captioning also has: "Check this out, sweetie."]
Mulder: I'm Rob . . . (puts his hands affectionately on Scully's shoulders) . . . and this is my lovely wife, Laura.
Pat Verlander: Rob and Laura Petrie.
Scully: We pronounce it "Pee-trie," actually.
Pat: Oh.
Mulder: Like the dish.
Pat: What do you do for a living Mr. . . Petrie? That's right, isn't it?
Mulder: (big grin, putting his arm around Scully's shoulders and hugging her) Yeah, I, uh . . . I work mostly at home which is great for Laura because she gets me all to herself.
Mulder: Oh, yeah. Nothing weird going on around here. (following Scully) Hey . . . ooh, wait a minute. You didn't let me carry you over the threshold.
(Scully takes off her coat and faces Mulder.)
Scully: You ready?
Mulder: Let's get it on, honey.
Scully: (smiles) All right, then.
(Mulder comes very close into the video frame.)
Mulder: (seductively) You want to make that honeymoon video now?
Scully: Rob and Laura Petrie?
Mulder: "Pee-trie."
Scully: Mulder, if we ever go undercover again I get to choose the names, okay?
Mulder: I'm taking it seriously. I just don't understand why we're on it. It's our first catch back on the X-Files. This isn't an X-File.
Scully: Sure it is. It's unexplained. What do you want, aliens? Tractor beams?
Mulder: Wow. Admit it, you just want to play house.
Mulder: (demanding) Woman, get back in here and make me a sandwich!
(Scully stops, smiles slightly and snaps off her gloves and throws them at his head and continues on to the door.)
Mulder: Did I not make myself clear?
Scully: Mulder . . .
Mulder: The name . . . is Rob.
Pat: I, uh . . . didn't really learn much about them. He just said he works at home, which tells me she's got money.
Cami Shroeder: Well . . . seemed nice. Cute couple.
Win Shroeder: So, good morning. So how was your first night? Peaceful?
Mulder: (looking fondly at Scully) Oh, it was wonderful. We just spooned up and fell asleep like little baby cats. Isn't that right, Honeybunch?
Scully: That's right, Poopyhead.
(Gene Gogolak is looking through the large rule book for The Falls at Arcadia. Mulder and Scully sit on the couch very close together. Mulder has his arm wrapped around her shoulders and his other hand on her arm. Very cuddly.)
Gene Gogolak: All right, then, let's see. Basketball hoop and backboard. Portable. Nope, I'm sorry. It's not allowed.
Mulder: You're kidding?
Gogolak: I'm afraid not. Rules are rules. It may not sound like anything -- a simple basketball hoop -- but from there, it's just a few short steps to spinning daisy reflectors and a bass boat in the driveway.
Mulder: In other words, anarchy.
Gogolak: It may sound tough but ours is a system that works. That's why The Falls is one of the top-ranked planned communities in all of California. Most of our homeowners have been here since day one.
(Scully pats Mulder's hand affectionately, then looks like she realized what she did and pulls her hand back embarrassed. Very cute.)
Win: Sweetheart? Did you use the dolphin-safe tuna this time?
Cami: Dolphin-safe all the way, Honey.
Win: We always use the dolphin-safe.
Mulder: (eating) You've got to love those dolphins . . . although they're pretty tasty, too.
(After a beat of shocked silence, Scully laughs nervously.)
Win: So . . . Where'd you two meet?
(Scully is about to say something, but Mulder speaks first.)
Mulder: Actually, it was at a UFO conference.
Win: Flying saucers? Interesting. Wouldn't have thought you folks would have been into that.
Mulder: (putting his arm around Scully) Well, it's not me so much as Laura. She's quite the New-Ager. I mean, she's into those magnetic bracelets and crystals and mood rings, what have you. (You see Scully, still smiling, subtly kick Mulder under the table.) I mean, God bless her she's a sucker for all that stuff.
Cami: Well, I wouldn't have guessed that, would you?
Win: Mm-mm.
Scully: No kidding.
Scully: Do you know where he is, Win?
Win: Really couldn't tell you.
Mulder: Mmm. It's got to be something really freaky-deaky, hunh? I mean, for him to lie about it like that? Maybe he's got some wild secret life going on.
(Looks at Scully and they share a small laugh. Cami looks very uncomfortable.)
Mulder: But every community has its dark underbelly don't you think?
Mulder: (whisper) Here. Caduceus.
Scully: (on phone) Thank you. (hangs up and looks at the necklace) Local PD came up blank on . . . (She pauses as Mulder, having taken off his sweatshirt, tosses it across the room to a chair barely missing her head. We see a little of his chest, but then the gray t-shirt is pulled back down. Darn.) Mike Raskub. No activity on his credit cards. No sighting of his '97 Mercury Villager.
Scully: (from the bathroom) Mulder, speaking of cleaning up, whoever taught you how to squeeze a tube of toothpaste?
(She sticks her arm out from the bathroom showing him the tube squeezed in the middle. Mulder ignores it.)
Mulder: Hey, what do we know about this stuff?
Scully: (from the bathroom) I'm driving down to San Diego tomorrow and have it analyzed.
Mulder: All right.
Scully: (from the bathroom) Third warning. (sound of toilet seat falling) Toilet seat.
(Mulder glances at the bathroom, then goes over to the bed and sprawls out on it.)
Scully: Why kill Big Mike?
(Scully comes out of the bathroom. She has a terrycloth headband and her face is covered in a bright green mud mask. Mulder looks up and is startled by her appearance. Very funny.)
Mulder: Whoa!
Scully: What's missing here is intent. What would be the motive?
(She throws the sweatshirt at his head.)
Mulder: Compulsive neatness, or a lack thereof. Have you noticed how everybody around here is obsessed with the neighborhood rules and the CC&Rs? You know what? You fit in really well here.
Scully: (looking at him lying on the bed) And you don't.
Mulder: (adjusting the pillows to make himself more comfortable) Well, anyway, tomorrow I got a, uh, a surefire way of testing out my theory.
(He pats the bed beside him seductively and waggles his eyebrows at her. She raises her eyebrows at him.)
Mulder: (coaxing) Come on, Laura, you know . . . we're married now.
Scully: Scully, Mulder. Good night.
(Mulder gets up from the bed taking a pillow and says as he passes her . . .)
Mulder: The thrill is gone.
(Mulder carries a pink plastic flamingo outside and stands it up in the front yard. The camera angle makes him look massive and powerful. He looks around confidently and puts his hands out palm up then closes them into fists as he brings them towards himself, a come-on to the whole community.)
Mulder: Bring it on.
(Mulder goes to the refrigerator and gets a carton of Tropicana orange juice and takes a drink right from the carton. He then goes to the window and sees that the flamingo has already been removed. He goes outside and over to the mailbox. He kicks the post hard several times then physically moves it until it is leaning over. He opens the mailbox and pulls up the flag. Then as an afterthought he tosses some of the orange juice on it. He goes back inside and sits at a window to watch the mailbox. And drink Tropicana orange juice. Time on his watch is 1:54. Time passes. 4:54.
He has now finished the carton of orange juice and really has to pee. He shifts around uncomfortably, then starts to make a wider opening in the carton, then looks over his shoulder, thinks better of it and goes to the bathroom. We hear a toilet flush then he goes back to the window. The mailbox has been righted and cleaned. He goes outside. The flag is still up and he opens the box. Inside, there is a folded piece of paper which says "Be like the others . . . before it gets dark." He looks around and crumples the paper.)
Scully: Sorry, Mulder. Somebody was in the house.
Mulder: Tidying up. Whoever it was, they put away my basketball hoop. Somebody's looking out after us, Scully, which may not be a bad thing.
Scully: What do you mean?
Mulder: I got a look at that thing that's been scaring everybody and I take it back. This is an X-File.
(Late that night. Scully comes out of the house and goes up to the edge of a very deep hole that Mulder's been in.)
Scully: (softly) Hey. Mulder.
(Mulder stands up from where he has been searching in the hole. He looks exhausted and like his back hurts.)
Scully: (gently) The Klines aren't down there. Maybe it's time you called it a night.
Gogolak: Whirligig.
Mulder: Yeah, whirligig. It's tacky enough to break your rules and your CCRs -- tacky enough to mark the Klines for death.
6x12 6x14
