Carnival Worker: Mr. Maleeni . . . Hey, guy. You ready to rumble?
Maleeni: If by "rumble," you mean "perform . . ." yes, I am.
Heckler Dude: Yo. Can't you do anything that ain't a hundred years old? That ain't old school, that's decrepit.
Maleeni: Young man, shall I come heckle you on your job? Make sure you count out the requisite number of McNuggets?
Mulder: (to Scully) Neat trick, huh?
Mulder: Come on, Scully. This isn't intriguing enough for you? A magician turns his head completely around 360 degrees to the delight of young and old alike after which it plops unceremoniously onto the pier . . . see the picture?
Scully: Yeah, I saw the picture. And as for this Amazing Maleeni turning his head all the way around, like you said, Mulder - neat trick.
Mulder: You think this was a murder?
Scully: Don't you? (Mulder gives her a mysterious little eyebrow wiggle.) Mulder, his head was cut off.
Mulder: Ah, observe the nearly complete absence of blood. Observe the paucity of fingerprints as evidenced by the LAPD's liberal use of lycopodium powder.
Scully: Why are you talking like Tony Randall?
Scully: Ah, but observe. His discarded soda cup. The hand may be quicker than the eye but it still leaves fingerprints.
Mulder: Provided they haven't dumped the trash.
Scully: Skeptic.
Mulder: You attended a magic show. The Amazing Maleeni.
Labonge: Yeah, he sucks. Why?
Scully: He's dead, under extremely suspicious circumstances.
Labonge: He still sucks. How'd you find me?
Mulder: So, basically he died of a heart attack, somebody crept up behind him, sawed his head off and then glued it back on all in the space of 30 seconds. (begins to laugh) Does that make sense to you?
Scully: No. Which makes it even stranger still because, as far as I can tell this body has been dead for over a month. I see signs of refrigeration.
Mulder: And yet he performed yesterday. What a trouper.
(After seeing Pinchbeck sitting behind a desk)
Mulder: The plot thickens.
Pinchbeck: Come in. Good morning, Mr. And Mrs . . .?
Mulder: Agents . . . Mulder and Scully. FBI.
Pinchbeck: You're not here for a home loan, I take it.
Pinchbeck: I was in a bad car accident in Mexico.
Mulder: Oh, bad Mexican car accident. (to Scully) In Mexico.
(Mulder and Scully leave Pinchbeck's office. Mulder is VERY embarrassed.)
Mulder: (rubbing his face) Oy.
Scully: No kidding.
Scully: Well, why do people do magic? To, uh, impress, to . . . to delight, to gain attention?
Mulder: Well, this one's gained mainly police attention. Maybe that's the point.
Labonge: What's in it for me? I mean, let's say I help you out. What do I get in return?
Scully: The feeling of pride that comes from performing your civic duty.
Mulder: How about the chance to root through the professional secrets of your least favorite magician?
Labonge: Good for a laugh, I guess.
Labonge: I'd say the twin brother did it but I don't think he's any better a magician than Maleeni was . . .
Mulder: There's that, and he's got no legs.
Labonge: Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, we're looking for a magician with the same height and build . . . a good makeup job and the right wig and no one would know the difference.
Scully: Not even you, I guess.
Labonge: I had a couple of Jell-O shots in me.
Mulder: How did this impersonator switch out the dead body?
Labonge: With ease. You're going to kick yourselves when I show you how he did this, it's so simple. 'Cause magic is all about . . . (wiggles his hand mysteriously) misdirection.
(Mulder wiggles his fingers "mysteriously" at Scully. She bites back a smile)
Mulder: There's another possibility. Behold -- an ordinary household quarter. (he holds up a quarter.) I'm going to take the quarter from my right hand and place it into my left hand. (he does with a flourish) Where is it?
Scully: It's in your right hand.
(Mulder opens his empty right hand.)
Mulder: Oh, no, no, no.
(Scully smiles and taps his left hand open. It's also empty.)
Scully: (smiling, impressed) Ah . . . That's not bad.
(Mulder reaches out and tries to grab Scully's nose.)
Mulder: Blow your nose, Scully.
Scully: Mulder . . .
Mulder: (holding her nose between his fingers) Blow your nose.
Scully: Ah-choo.
(The quarter falls from "Scully's nose into Mulder's other hand.)
Mulder: Ta-da.
Scully: (amused) Amazing!
Mulder: (proudly) The great Muldeeni.
Bank Guy: (to Maleeni) My god. We gave you handicapped parking. We built you a ramp.
Labonge: How'd it go?
Maleeni/Pinchbeck: Swimmingly.
Labonge: Abracadabra, man.
Alvarez: No. Not the dead one, man. That little cabron! LaBonge! LaBonge set me up! Listen to me . . .
Scully: Billy LaBonge.
Mulder: And the Amazing Maleeni. That's a double bill I wouldn't want to miss.
Mulder: Bravo. Really.
Labonge: What do you mean?
Scully: Last night the Cradock Marine Bank was robbed of $1.8 million. This morning that entire amount was found in the possession of Mr. Cissy Alvarez.
Maleeni/Pinchbeck: Wow. I told you he was bad news. Bravo to you. That was expeditious police work.
Mulder: Well, thank you. It was, wasn't it? It's only that Alvarez was so obviously guilty. A convicted bank robber caught red-handed witnessed trying to rob an armored car just two days earlier?
Scully: He'll need a good lawyer.
Mulder: Yeah. Yeah, he's up a creek . . . Just like you two want him.
(Mulder smiles, shows that his sleeves are empty and wiggles his left fingers up in the air. Scully obediently watches the fingers while Mulder looks in his jacket with his right hand, then "magically" whips out a large wallet.)
Mulder: Behold! The Amazing Maleeni's wallet.
Scully: (surprised) You picked his pocket?
Mulder: No. I pilfered it from the evidence room to prevent them from completing their final act of prestidigitation.
Scully: You know, Mulder, there's still one thing that you haven't explained.
Mulder: What's that?
Scully: How the Amazing Maleeni was able to turn his head completely around.
Mulder: I don't know that.
Scully: I do. I'll show you. Observe.
(Scully gets down on her knees in front of Mulder who grins broadly. (wonder what the boy starts to think ;) She places her hands awkwardly on the floor and turns her right arm a full 360 degrees, then gets up and smoothes her sleeve. Mulder is impressed.)
Mulder: Gee! Very nice. How'd you do that?
Scully: Well . . . magic.
Mulder: No. Seriously, Scully, how'd you do it? You know, it's not the same thing. It's different with the head. Come on. Look at this.
(He does the disappearing thumb trick that doesn't work on anyone over four years old. She doesn't look back.)
Mulder: I'll show you - - -
7x07 7x09
