Note: Some of the scenes in this ep were so hilarious that I didn't cut any of the lines out. That's why there are many long quotes. Enjoy -- this ep was priceless!
Writer: David Duchovny
Director: David Duchovny
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.
Red-Haired Woman's voice: Mulder!
Garry Shandling as Mulder: How about this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I break the Lazarus Bowl and all your sniper zombies go back to being good, little, well-behaved corpses.
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead-- still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.
Rational Zombie: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want to go back to being dead. There's no food no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new King of the Dead.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I'd rather serve in Heaven than rule in Hell.
(Together, 'fake' M&S roll down the hill and fall into an open grave and the coffin lid slams shut. All is dark. We hear heavy breathing.)
Tea Leoni as Scully: Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or . . . you just happy to be lying on top of me?
Garry Shandling as Mulder: : My flashlight.
(In the coffin, Garry Shandling as Mulder turns on his flashlight, illuminating their faces. Tea Leoni as Scully smiles and shifts position and Garry Shandling as Mulder gasps.)
Garry Shandling as Mulder: Oh, that.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: You know, seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully.
Tea Leoni as Scully: Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder. Go on.
(Audience shot of Chris Carter eating popcorn out of a plastic replica of the bowl that is in the movie. He is grinning and nodding happily. We pan across to see that David Alan Grier and Minnie Driver are also in the audience.)
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or . . .
Tea Leoni as Scully: Bees.
Wayne Federman: She: Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget. He's like A . . . Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's "Witness."
Mulder: Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?
Federman: (into the recorder, dramatically, nodding at Skinner) Cardinal "Oh-fallen," perhaps.
Mulder: Oh. I-I don't want to be myopic here, sir, but this looks like a straight up terrorist act for the A.T.F.
Federman: (into the recorder) "Myopic."
(A cell phone starts to ring and belongs to Federman. Mulder can't take the ringing anymore and turns to face the man)
Mulder: Are you going to answer your phone?
Federman: Me?
Mulder: Yeah.
Federman: I didn't want to be rude.
(Federman goes for his phone. Mulder turns back to Skinner.)
Mulder: Sir, who the hell is this guy?
Skinner: This is Wayne Federman. He's an old buddy of mine from college. He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on an FBI-based movie. He's asked me to give him access.
Scully: A screenwriter?
Federman: It's actually . . . It's a writer/producer.
Mulder: Well, that's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain in the neck.
Federman: Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't want to eat your lunch. I'm just here for some procedural flavor-- just a taste.
(Pause as Mulder stares at Federman.)
Mulder: I've no idea what you just said.
Federman: Well, the Skinman's filled me in on your particular bent.
(Mulder looks at Skinner who shrugs.)
Federman: He said that you come at things maybe a little fahkatke, a little Star Trekky, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing. It's . . . Beautiful, and I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly Heisenbergian-- like a hologram.
Mulder: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?
Federman: Just curious if she's more than your partner.
Mulder: Enough, Wayne.
Federman: Hey, whatever.
Mulder: Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life?
Cardnial O’Fallon: The church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.
Mulder: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
O’Fallon: Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics . . . documents that we store down there in the cold. We like to think of it as God's Refrigerator.
Federman: That's a great line.
O’Fallon: Thank you.
Federman: (into his tape recorder) "God's Refrigerator."
Mulder: Wayne, shut up.
Federman: How about the Shroud of Turin?
O’Fallon: No, afraid not, but we do have the Bathrobe of St. Peter.
Federman: You're kidding.
O’Fallon: Yes, I am.
Federman: That's a good line.
O’Fallon: Thank you.
Mulder: Wayne . . . Shut up.
(A cell phone begins ringing. Mulder looks accusingly at Federman and he sheepishly checks his phone.)
Federman: Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you.
Mulder: Excuse me. (pulls his phone out) That's, uh, that's not me.
O’Fallon: : Let me check. (pulls his phone out) Not me, either. Can never get reception here.
(Phone continues to ring. Mulder kneels down beside one of the damaged crypts, removes rubble, and pulls a cell phone off of the not-long-dead body buried there.)
Federman: Would that be St. Jude's cell phone, Cardinal?
Mulder: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico. That's my Holy Trinity, Scully.
Scully: Of course, I'm too young to remember but, uh, wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical, like a Jerry Rubin or Mario Savio?
Federman: Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?
Mulder: Yeah, right after Altamont. He was never really heard from again.
Federman: Aw, the Stones get blamed for everything. I don't get it.
Scully: Mulder, we should have a warrant.
Federman: Hey, it's only the Constitution. No big deal.
Scully: Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Federman: Well, from Dharma bum to Dharma bomb.
Scully: Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the paper prematurely. It's a . . . it's a forger's trick.
Federman: Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
Mulder: All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun.
Federman: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
(Mulder glares at him. Federman holds his hands up defensively.)
Federman: Don't shoot!
Federman: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns.
Federman: Should I call you Agent Mulder or Mr. Mulder, or, like do you have a nickname or something like that?
Mulder: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Federman: Like Skinman?
(Mulder ignores him, looking around the crypt.)
Federman: Just ignore me.
(Mulder does.)
Mulder: Looks like the same gospel of Mary Scully ID'd over at Hoffman's place.
Federman: So, is this a forgery, or is this the real thing?
Mulder: Well, there is no "real" Gospel of Mary, Federman. The, uh, original would be a fake.
Federman: All right, so is this a real fake or a fake fake or . . .?
Scully: Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were playing tricks on you and you've been influenced by ghost stories and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards and you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
Federman: No, I didn't hallucinate. That was mechanical or C.G.I.
Mulder: (chuckling) Federman, that wasn't a movie. That was real life.
Federman: The difference being?
Federman: Well, I have got my flavor here, so I appreciate all your help. I've got a movie to write.
Mulder: You're leaving? You don't want to get to the bottom of this?
Federman: Not especially.
Mulder: Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Federman: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper. You want my advice? You're both crazy.
Mulder: Well, why do you say that?
Federman: (to Mulder) Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe. (to Scully) And you're crazy for not believing what he believes. I'll leave you with that. Thank you.
(He leaves.)
Mulder: I miss him already.
Scully: You know, Mulder, I . . . I know that Federman's bs-ing you, so I'm really hesitant to mention this, but, um . . . his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
Mulder: The Lazarus bowl?
Scully: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan-- we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Mulder: Twisted sisters, my kind of nun, you know?
Scully: Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say "this is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood, or something.
Mulder: She'd be in prison today. You realize that.
Scully: Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's aunt or something . .
Mulder: Lazarus's aunt?
Scully: . . . who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby and that Christ's words-- the actual incantation to raise the dead--were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
Mulder: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at Catholic school. It's a lie.
Scully: (laughing, fingering a piece of the clay bowl) Well, Sister Spooky says that, uh . . . that these words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead just like Jesus raised Lazarus.
Mulder: (smiling at her) That is a very cool story coming from you, Scully. I'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office see if this clay has Christ's Greatest Hits on it and I'm going . . . I'm going to go have another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.
O’Fallon: Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
Mulder: I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
Mulder: Yeah, Mulder.
Federman: Agent Mulder? It's Wayne Slash Federman out in L.A.
Mulder: I can't really talk about the case, you know.
Federman: That's all right-- Skinman's keeping me in the loop. Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?
Mulder: I'm in the movie?
Federman: Well, it's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation.
Mulder: Yeah, hold on a second, Wayne.
(Mulder switches lines back to Scully.)
Mulder: Hey, Sister Spooky, I've got to take this.
Scully: I'll call you after the autopsy.
Mulder: Thanks.
(Mulder switches back to Federman.)
Mulder: How about Richard Gere?
(Federman bursts into laughter.)
Federman: Ho! Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously. What if I said to you the name "Garry Shandling"?
Mulder: Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said "Garry Shandling."
Federman: Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you and Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner, you stud. The movie's called the Lazarus bowl.
Mulder: How do you know about the Lazarus bowl?
Federman: The Skinman. Listen, Shandling and Leoni want to meet you guys . . . get your flavor-- it's an actor type thing. Come on out to the studio on our dime. We'll make it nice.
Mulder: Hey, who's . . . well, then who's going to play Skinner in the movie?
Federman: Richard Gere.
Mulder: Ri . . . Ri . . .
(Loud banging as Mulder either hits something with the car or gets a flat tire on the wet road.)
(GREAT shot of Skinner yelling down into the camera. We feel very small.)
Skinner: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy . . .
Scully: Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman. He had Hoffman's I.D. on him . . .
Skinner: Agent Scully . . . if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse do you assume that I slept with J.F.K.?
Skinner: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're as proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive and healthy.
Mulder: A bomb went off, a crime's been committed. There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about, O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming and Hoffman, at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
Skinner: Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone and Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away. Best case scenario . . . you get to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon and the church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the Bureau which will feature you two as its sacrificial lambs. As of right now . . . I am forcing you to take a four-week leave effective immediately pending review.
Mulder: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
Chuck Burks: Layered in under the ambience there. Guess what language that is.
Mulder: Chuck, I've had a bad day.
Chuck: Yes, he did. It's in two parts. The first part here roughly translates as "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead. Coo-coo-ca-choo." Although there is no Aramaic word for "walrus." So it literally says "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."
Mulder: What's the second part?
Chuck: Second part's a little freakier. Here.
(He plays another part of the recording.)
Scully: What is it?
Chuck: It appears to be one man commanding another to rise from the dead.
Scully: Lazarus?
Micah Hoffman: There I was totally bumming after Altamont, and I thought throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
Mulder: Well, I suppose that's a choice every young gifted American male is faced with.
(Mulder is lying on his couch watching "Plan Nine From Outer Space" on TV and he’s speaking the lines along with the actors. He obviously knows the movie very well.)
Mulder & TV: Well, as long as they can think we'll have our problems. But those whom we are using cannot think they are the dead brought to assimilated life by our electrode . . .
(Someone knocks at the door.)
Mulder: It's open.
(Scully enters.)
Mulder & TV: You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider the earth people who can think . . .
(Mulder sits up and makes room for Scully to sit on the arm of the couch beside him. The movie continues.)
TV: . . . are so frightened by those who cannot be dead.
Mulder: Couldn't sleep either, huh?
Scully: Plan 9 From Outer Space?
Mulder: Yeah. It's the Ed Wood investigative method. This movie is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps and I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon. How there's this archetypal relationship like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor, or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St. Paul.
Scully: How about Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E. Coyote?
(She grins and he laughs. On the screen, a body is rising out of the ground.)
Scully: Mulder . . .
Mulder: Yeah?
Scully: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus Christ?
Mulder: Are you making fun of me?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.
Scully: Well, yes, I know that.
(They both smile.)
Scully: Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
Mulder: Are you directing that at me?
Scully: No. I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.
Mulder: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
(They watch the movie. On the screen, a zombie woman walks toward the camera.)
Scully: How . . .?
Mulder: (answering the question before she asks) 42.
Scully: You've seen this movie 42 times?
Mulder: Yes.
Scully: Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.
(They sit quietly for a moment as the movie continues. Two men are looking at a map.)
Actor 1: You ever been to Hollywood?
Actor 2: Oh, a couple of times a few years ago.
Actor 1: You're going to be there in the morning. Just a few minutes from Hollywood in the town of San Fernando reports have come in of saucers flying so low . . .
Mulder: You know, Scully, we've got four weeks probation vacation and nothing to do and Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.A. to watch his movie being filmed and God knows I could use a little sunshine.
(She looks up at him. He smiles.)
Mulder: Scully . . .
(On the screen, a flying saucer wobbles by.)
Scully: California, here we come.
Federman: Agents! I'm so glad you could hang.
(He kisses Mulder on the cheek, and moves to do the same to Scully, but ends up with a handshake.)
Federman: Come on, I want you to meet the people that are going to play you. Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni, this is Agents Mulder and Scully.
(Garry Shandling and Tea Leoni get up from their chairs and greet Mulder and Scully, all shaking hands. And looking closely at each other. Tea Leoni is wearing a HUGE cross.)
Mulder: Nice to meet you.
Scully: Hi.
Garry Shandling: Nice to meet you.
Tea Leoni: It's a pleasure.
Mulder: Big fan. Fox Mulder.
(Mulder is shy in front of Tea Leoni. Both women notice. Very cute.)
Tea Leoni: No kidding. Huh.
(Pause. Mulder looks over at Garry Shandling who jerks his eyes up from Mulder's crotch area. Tea Leoni turns to Scully.)
Tea Leoni: Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to run in these things. Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or something?
(Tea Leoni walks a few steps away. Scully, not knowing what else to do, follows. Mulder is left with Garry Shandling. While the two men talk, we see Scully, several feet away running her heart out back and forth in her own higher heels. Tea Leoni is barely watching her, much more interested in the conversation she is having on her cell phone. Hysterical. The scene must be watched twice – once for the guys and once for the girls.)
Garry Shandling: Hey, uh . . . Uh . . .
Mulder: Hi.
Garry Shandling: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you something?
Mulder: Sure.
Garry Shandling: Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right?
(Sound of Scully's heels as she runs past them. Mulder glances down and laughs, embarrassed.)
Mulder: What do you . . . What do you mean?
(Garry Shandling laughs briefly, then clears his throat. He is very serious. Scully runs past again.)
Garry Shandling: Look, when I play a character I need to find his center, his, sort of, rudder, so to say and then everything comes from that.
(Mulder thinks about it uncomfortably and looks over to where Scully is sprinting past Tea Leoni yet again.)
Mulder: Uh . . . I guess mostly to the left.
(Again, Garry Shandling chuckles then gets serious. A dog, looks like DD's Blue, walks around in the background.)
Garry Shandling: "Mostly"?
Mulder: Most of the time.
Garry Shandling: Most of the time. To the left.
Mulder: Mm-hmm.
Garry Shandling: Wardrobe!
(Garry Shandling walks away, leaving Mulder alone staring after him.)
Sugar Bear: And rollando! Come on, now, kick it in the ass and action, zombies!
(The scene starts. Zombies do their zombie thing. Tea Leoni screams as one of them bites her shoulder. Then the Zombie pauses. His mouth full.)
Zombie: What is this?
Sugar Bear: Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.
Production Assistant: What seems to be the problem, Mr. Zombie, sir?
Zombie: (mouth still full) What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
Production Assistant: Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?
Craft Service Girl: Turkey, just like you asked for.
Production Assistant: Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
Zombie: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God!
(The Tofurkey Zombie spits the meat out and runs off the set yelling: )
Tofurkey Zombie: The people are made out of turkey!
(Nice hotel. Scully is in a bubble bath. She is drinking a glass of red wine and is on the phone.)
Mulder: Hello?
Scully: Hey, Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?
Mulder: I'm, uh, working at the, uh, computer. What are you doing?
Scully: I'm, uh, packing. Just, you know, getting ready for our trip back to D.C. tomorrow.
Mulder: You know, Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood, and those tofurkey-eating zombies. How come when people come back from the dead they always want to hurt the living?
(As he talks, Scully's portion of the screen pushes to the left. The right side of the screen now shows Mulder in an identical bubble bath. There is a bottle of beer on the side of his tub in the same place Scully has her wine. It looks like they are sitting in a heart shaped tub together.)
Scully: Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
(Mulder's right hand is not visible and the water in his tub starts moving as she talks. Hmmm.)
Mulder: Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see, they've just come back from being dead so they're going to do all the things they miss from when they were alive. So, first, they're going to eat, then they're going to drink, then they're going to dance and make love.
Scully: Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
Mulder: Exactly.
(Mulder's call waiting beeps.)
Mulder: Hold on a second, that's my other line.
(He clicks the receiver.)
Mulder: Hello?
Skinner: Agent Mulder, it's Assistant Director Skinner. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
Mulder: No, sir, I'm just at the, uh, computer.
Skinner: Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.
Mulder: Oh. I appreciate that, Skinman.
Skinner: Don't call me that.
Mulder: Yes, sir. Um . . . Uh, where are you now?
Skinner: I'm right underneath you. I'm in L.A., At the same hotel as you. Right below you and Agent Scully.
(The screen splits again at the bottom showing Skinner also in a bubble bath with a bottle of champagne.)
Skinner: Federman got me an Associate Producer credit on the movie.
Mulder: A.P. Skinner, huh?
(Mulder chuckles, then stops when Skinner doesn't chuckle.)
Mulder: Uh . . . So what are you up to right now, sir?
Skinner: I'm taking a bubble bath.
Mulder: Uh, hold on just one second, sir.
(Mulder clicks over on the receiver.)
Mulder: (grinning with delight) Hey, Scully, Skinman is calling me from a bubble bath.
Skinner: It's still me, Mulder.
(Indeed, Scully takes a sip of her wine, not hearing anything. Mulder is embarrassed.)
Mulder: Uh, sir, well, hold on one second, sir.
(He clicks the receiver again.)
Mulder: Scully?
Scully: Yeah.
Mulder: Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
Scully: Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.
Mulder: Totally.
Scully: You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Mulder: Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to have a crush on me.
Scully: I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.
Mulder: Really?
(Passionate kissing goes on and on. Mulder and Scully are mortified. They glance at each other.)
Tea Leoni as Scully: Wait, wait, Mulder . . . I can't.
(Skinner is beaming.)
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but . . .
Tea Leoni as Scully: No, no, it's not that. It's not that.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: Well, what then?
Tea Leoni as Scully: I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
(Mulder gets up from his seat, not very happy)
Mulder: That's it, Scully, I can't take it anymore.
Scully: Shh, Mulder, sit down.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: What does he have that I don't have?
Tea Leoni as Scully: A bigger flashlight.
(Mulder is sitting on a hill in the graveyard movie set. He is holding his plastic "Lazarus Bowl" and morosely eating the popcorn out of it. He looks up as wind begins blowing. Scully has turned one of the big fans toward him. She releases the fan and goes over to sit beside him.)
Scully: Been looking all over for you.
Mulder: They got it so wrong, Scully.
Scully: I got a page from the Washington Bureau. Micah Hoffman was murdered tonight. Murdered in his own home by Cardinal O'Fallon who then hanged himself. A murder-suicide.
Mulder: It's Jesus and Judas, Scully.
Scully: Wow . . . It's all over now.
Mulder: No, no, it's just beginning. Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people and now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie. The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." How silly is that?
Scully: Pretty silly.
Mulder: Yeah, what about us? How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?
Scully: Well, hopefully, the movie will tank.
Mulder: What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all going to have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how we lived and it'll all become . . . oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking Pontificized and become as plastic and meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.
Scully: I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them. Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude. You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set?
Mulder: The dead are everywhere, Scully.
Scully: Well . . . We're alive. And we're relatively young and Skinner was so tickled by the movie . . .
Mulder: I bet he was . . .
Scully: That he has given us a Bureau credit card to use for the evening.
(She holds up the card and giggles. He smiles.)
Scully: Come on.
(She takes his arm and helps him up. Together, they run down the steep slope of the hill to a path.)
Scully: Mulder, I have something to confess.
Mulder: What's that?
Scully: I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner.
(They both laugh, and Mulder dumps the half-full bowl on top of a small statue's head.)
Mulder: Ah . . . Me, too.
(Holding hands, they walk out of sight past the moonlit backdrop. The wind from the fan causes one of the branches on a tree to dip down and scratch again the plastic bowl. It sounds like a record player needle. Then, as the shadows of Mulder and Scully pass on out of view, the music begins and figures rise up from the graves and begin to dance passionately and happily, cha-chas and tangos. The moon on the backdrop glows.)
(Linda Note: You rock David! No if's, and's, or but's =)
7x17 7x19
