Anson Stokes: A monkey could do this job, right, Jay?
Jay Gilmore: Well, you can't, so what's that say about you?
(Mulder and Scully stop walking, and stare at the very large yacht sitting on the ground next to one of the trailers. Its flags flap in the breeze.)
Scully: That's a little . . . out of place, wouldn't you say?
Mulder: A little bit.
Scully: Okay.
Mulder: Now I see what's going on here.
(Scully stares at him. He smiles as his nod turns into a slow negative shake of the head. She gives a little laugh.)
Mulder: Well, I don't smell any weird chemical smells. You still have both your lips.
Scully: Well, it's too bad, Mulder. Underneath all this dust, this furniture is really wonderful.
Mulder: Oh, well, you want to hit some yard sales while we're out here?
Anson: My clothes are going to turn invisible, too, right?
Jenn: You didn't specify clothes.
Anson: I know, but . . . screw it.
(Very excited, he begins stripping off his clothes. He and Leslie are laughing. When he gets to his pants, the Jenn turns her head.)
Jenn: Oh, God. Turn invisible please.
Mulder: I think you missed a spot here. I can see straight through to his ass.
Mulder: This is Anson Stokes, huh?
Scully: It is. His dental records are a match. He was found about half a mile from his house. He was probably hit by a car or a truck or . . . something.
Mulder: And he's invisible.
Scully: Yes, he is.
Mulder: Then there is the interesting way in which Mr. Flanken died.
Scully: How's that?
Mulder: Chronic morbid tumescence.
Scully: You don't mean what I think you mean?
Mulder: Sch-wing. On April 4, 1978, he was admitted to Gateway Memorial Hospital with an extreme priapic condition. Apparently, he was quite the specimen. They had to raise the doorframe in order to wheel him into his hospital room.
Mulder: It's the feminine for jinni-- as in a demon or spirit from Middle Eastern folklore.
(Leslie doesn't get it. Mulder starts humming the theme song to "I Dream of Jeannie." Leslie joins in, grinning. He gets it now.)
Mulder: Yeah, except Barbara Eden never killed anybody.
Mulder: Hey, Scully, come check this out.
(Scully does not want to leave her invisible body.)
Mulder: Come on, he's not going anywhere. Come on.
Scully: (happy whisper to the body as she closes the door) Bye.
Scully: What's this?
Mulder: It's not what I hoped it would be. Judging from the odor coming inside, I think it's where the Stokes brothers keep their weed.
Jenn: This. Your disability? There was some tragedy involved here, I assume.
Leslie: Yeah, well, yeah, it was pretty tragic, I guess. Me and Anson were playing mailbox baseball. God, I miss that. And Anson's driving. I was leaning pretty far out the window there. Oh. (he laughs and indicates his wheelchair) You mean this?
Jenn: Mm-hmm.
Leslie: Yeah, you're right. I could wish for a solid gold wheelchair. Man, that'd be sweet.
Leslie: Okay. You know what? He's creeping me out. This isn't what I asked for. He's all weird and messed up.
Jenn: He's been hit by a truck. What did you expect?
Leslie: I wasted two wishes on you. And a perfectly good bowl of corn flakes.
(Leslie rolls over to the thermostat and angrily adjusts it.)
Leslie: There, I turned the heat up. Are you happy now? Huh? Are you happy? Is there anything else I can do for you there, buddy? . . . What do you say? Maybe wipe your little yellow butt?
Jenn: The only thing you people are cursed with is stupidity. All of you. Everybody. Mankind. Everyone I have ever come into contact with without fail. Always asking for the wrong thing.
Mulder: You mean making the wrong wishes.
Jenn: Yeah, it's always: "Give me money. Give me big boobs. Give me a big hoo-hoo. Make me cool like the Fonz." Or whoever's the big name now.
Mulder: You been out of circulation a long time.
Scully: I can't think of anything we have to hold you on. And, not surprisingly we don't have any evidence of any of this, so, uh . . . I think she's free to go.
Jenn: No, I'm not. He unrolled me.
Mulder: I get three wishes.
Jenn: So your partner left the airport rather quickly. And I don't think she likes me very much.
Mulder: I don't think she knows what to make of you. I don't think I do either, really.
Jenn: I'd . . . wish that I'd never heard the word "wish" before. I'd wish that I could live my life moment by moment . . . enjoying it for what it is instead of . . . instead of worrying about what it isn't. I'd . . . sit down somewhere with a great cup of coffee and I'd watch the world go by. But then again, I'm not you. So I doubt that's your wish.
Mulder: You know, I think I'm beginning to see the problem here. You say that most people make the wrong wishes, right?
Jenn: Without fail. It's like giving a chimpanzee a revolver.
Mulder: This is because they make their wishes solely for personal gain.
Jenn: Could be.
Mulder: So the trick would be to make a wish that's totally altruistic. That's for everyone. So, um . . . I wish for peace on earth.
Jenn: Peace on earth. That's it?
Mulder: What the hell's wrong with that? You can't do it?
Jenn: No. I can . . . It's done.
(Mulder is beaming happily. Then he realizes that all traffic sounds outside have disappeared. His face falls.)
Mulder: Oh, crap.
(He goes to the window and looks out the blinds. He runs outside. The street is full of empty cars and buses. He looks in a bus stopped at the corner of Market Street.)
Mulder: I guess I should have seen this coming!
Mulder: What the hell is this?
Jenn: It's what you asked for. Peace on earth. Listen.
Mulder: You know damn well that's not what I meant.
Jenn: You didn't specify.
Mulder: This has nothing to do with specificity. You don't have to wipe out the entire population of the whole planet just to effect a little peace on earth and goodwill towards men.
Jenn: You didn't say goodwill towards men. So you expect me to change the hearts of six billion people? No religion in history has been able to pull that off. Not Allah or Buddha or Christ. But you'd like me to do that in your name? So . . . what? You can feel real good about yourself?
Mulder: Did I say that? I didn't say that.
Jenn: Mm, how grotesquely egotistical of you. I bet you wish you hadn't made your first wish.
Mulder: Yes, I do, since you butchered the intent of that wish so completely. And another thing -- I think you've got a really horrible attitude. I guess that comes from being rolled up in a rug for the last 500 years. But we're not all that stupid. We're not all chimpanzees with revolvers. I think there's another possibility here and that's just that you're a bitch.
Jenn: "Whereas, I have one wish left and desire to use it most effectively for the good of all mankind" yadda, yadda, yadda . . . "Here on this plane of existence . . ." Hmm . . . Hmm-hmm. What, are you a lawyer?
Mulder: Well, I have to be with you. I'm going to get this last wish perfect. I'm not going to leave you any loopholes. I'm not going to let you interpret this as an edict to bring back the Third Reich or to make everyone's eyes grow on stalks.
Jenn: Oh, geez. And I was so looking forward to that.
Mulder: You don't remember disappearing off the face of the earth for about an hour this morning?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Well, I guess everything's okay.
Scully: Could you give us a minute, please?
Jenn: Sure.
(Jenn doesn't move from where she is leaning against the glass partition. Scully takes a few more steps toward Mulder, then not hearing anything else from Jenn turns back around.)
Scully: Like today?
(Jenn has disappeared.)
Scully: Wh . . . Where the hell did she go?
(Mulder does the "I Dream of Jeannie" arm cross and head boink.)
Mulder: Boink!
Mulder: Scully, it is what it is. You examined an invisible body, remember?
Scully: I thought I did.
Mulder: (rolling his head in frustrated disgust) Oh!
Mulder: The trick is to be specific. To make the wish perfect. That way, everyone is going to benefit. It's going to be a safer world, a happier world. There's going to be food for everyone, freedom for everyone, the end of the tyranny of the powerful over the weak. Am I leaving anything out?
Scully: It sounds wonderful.
Mulder: Then what's the problem?
Scully: Maybe it's the whole point of our lives here, Mulder -- to achieve that. Maybe it's a process that one man shouldn't try and circumvent with a single wish.
Mulder: I can't believe you don't want butter on your popcorn. Uggh. It's un-American.
Scully: “Caddyshack," Mulder?
Mulder: It's a classic American movie.
Scully: That's what every guy says. It's a guy movie.
Mulder: Okay, when you invite me over to your place we can watch Steel Magnolias.
Mulder: I don't know if you noticed but, um, I never made the world a happier place.
Scully: Well, I'm fairly happy. That's something.
Scully: So what was your final wish, anyway?
(Mulder looks at her for a long moment. Then he smiles happily and takes another swig of his beer as the movie starts. Scene changes to Jenn sitting in a coffee shop on a Washington, DC street. The jewel is missing from the corner of her eye. She watches people walking by the window. A waitress sets a round coffee cup in front of her. Jenn takes a sip. She looks very happy.)
(Linda Note: What a guy that Mulder is, huh? ;)
7x20 7x22
