Funny Sayings
yeah it's kinda like...LONG, but really funny!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about grunted employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!!!
Monday is a terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life!!!
Learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control
Keep honking...I'm re-loading
I like cats....they taste a little like chicken.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt."
~Mark Twain
People who live in glass houses should shower late at night.
The most common STD is CHILDREN!!!!!
Just remember when your depressed because it seems like things can't get any worse, smile because things are about to get worse.
I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work
I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones.
A bus station is where a bus stops. a train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
How can I miss you if you won't GO AWAY?
If a cow laughs does milk come out of its nose?
I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
College Is Just One Big Party, With a $25,000 Cover Charge
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
I have PMS and a gun... excuse me did you have something to say?
I am trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Some people say things they don't mean. Other people mean things they don't say.
There are three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are OK, you're it.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.
There is no town drunk here, we all take turns!
Your just Jealous that the voices talk to me
I am rubber and you are glue whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks on to you.
May the lollipops of happiness fly up your nose.
Money isn't everything, but it's right up there with oxygen.
I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk.
I'm not opinionated ... I'm just always right.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Roses are red violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic. And so am I!
Normal is what everyone else is, and you are not.
Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me.
Just because you're paranioned it doesn't
mean they're not out to get you
I thought I wanted a career. What I really wanted was a paycheck.
Smile all the time -- It will make nice people smile back and make everyone else wonder what the hell you are up to.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Finally!!!!!!!!! DONE!