A page from the Diary of Kwai Chang Caine

Fall, 1978

'I feel so alone. I have lost everything that I held precious in my life. The Tao says, "To lose everything is to gain much. To gain much is to loose everything." I cannot think of what I shall gain. My father wrote in a journal his most secret feelings. He once told me writing helped him to understand himself. That is what I shall do.

'The pain I feel is the pain of emptiness. Though it is not a physical pain that could be cured by medicine, it is a pain none the less. When my father left me alone, in a world I did not understand, I felt abandoned and confused. I was raised in the way of the Tao, but that was taken from me, or so I thought. I realized that it was I who had strayed from it, not the other way around.

'I met someone who showed me that the world was not as cruel as I had come to see it. Through her eyes, I saw the beauty in each day. Through her, I was blessed with a son. A son I promised to protect, to guide as a father should.

'I again felt loss when she died. Her sickness had been hard on both her and our son. I struggled to prevent my pain from being known to her. She endured the pain. I told her every day how much I loved her, how much joy she brings to each day. I held her in my arms the day she left this earth. She made me promise to raise our son in the Shaolin way, the way I had been raised.

'I knew being raised Shaolin would be hardest on Peter. He was but a toddler when we came to live in the temple. I quickly remembered the teachings of the Tao, Kung Fu. Peter struggled with his studies, with being the son and great-grandson of Kwai Chang Caine.

'He had his mother's curiosity, insatiable as it was. He also had her way of looking at nature and seeing the beauty that surrounded him. His emotions, so strong that I did not know how he could control them, but he did.

'I know that what men do not understand, they destroy. I do not understand why this is so; differences are what adds the color to life. I also now understand how easy it is to break a promise, though I did not set out to do so. My promise to Laura and to our son was broken. I had said I would protect him, guide him. He was but a youth, entering the age of adolescence, when our temple was destroyed. I was not there to save him; I failed him and Laura.

'Ping Hi told me that he died rescuing another boy, that both he and the boy had perished in the flames. At night, I hear Peter calling me. I wake and wonder: did I tell him I loved him? Did he die wondering why I had abandoned him? My heart aches with these thoughts.

'I have spoken with Ping Hi about the temple destruction. I can not help but think that if I had done something else, something that would have prevented this massacre. In my head, I hear a voice telling me that retribution must be paid to the man who did this. He alone is the reason for my losses, my ache. Anger fills me so that sometimes I can feel myself giving way to the darkness. The darkness that I have learned to stay away from, to fight against, is very inviting. My heart tells me to continue on the path of the Tao, to embrace my hatred of this man and then let it go.

'It is hatred I feel. It is what prevents me from meditating and becoming one with the universe. It is also abandonment that is hatred's friend. Everyone I have touched has been ripped from me. My father, who left to find his path. Left me with the monks at the temple, left me to find out who I was. Serena, the first woman I loved, but she also left me for another. The world was so new to me; she opened my eyes to the world of love and intimacy. Laura, my sweet Laura. She did not mean to leave me with a son. Now he is gone because of a man. A man who wanted power, a man I do not believe I could ever forgive.

'I have wandered the country trying to find his essence, to find my path back to the Tao. Trying to remember what my son has taught me, for taught me he has.

'Trying to remember the teaching that love is stronger than hate. I should not have these feelings of hatred and abandonment, but I do. Maybe as I walk, I can find the answers to my questions, to my troubled soul. I need to find my path again.

'I miss you, my son.'

A knock on the door brought Peter back to himself. He wiped the tears from his face and eyes, then went and opened the door. The man that greeted him saw the anguish on Peter's face and quickly pulled him into a hug, not waiting to step inside the small apartment.

Peter was the first to release his hold, but he did not move away from the man who for many years now he had called 'Dad.' "How are you doing, Son?" Paul asked, wanting so much to give comfort to this boy who was a man.

No answer came as they walked to the couch. Sitting down, Peter reached for the journal he had been reading.

No words passed for what seemed like hours. Then, setting the book down, Peter told his foster father of Kwai Chang Caine's departure after having been reunited with him a year ago. Peter had told his father he understood his reason for leaving, but in truth he hadn't. Not until he read his father's journal.

Paul sat and listened to the young man. He knew Peter would heal and that he wanted to be here with his son to help the process to begin.

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