24 Hours, Part One

I've reached the end - or perhaps I should say The Beginning. This is my "story-behind-the-story" of the ER pilot, told from Doug's and Carol's perspectives.

I started out writing fanfiction a couple months ago mainly because of the frustration I felt at the lack of stories out there (with a couple notable exceptions) about something that had always greatly intrigued me: Doug and Carol's mysterious past. After I wrote the first story, I showed it to a few friends and they encouraged me to post it. From then on, following the storyline and trying to work the few clues we had about the early relationship into subsequent stories quickly became addictive, until I realized recently I had something very surprising: A sort of "prequel" to ER, from my perspective, at least as far as these two characters are concerned.

At this point, I don't know if I will write any more fanfiction. The show takes over this storyline from here and carries it on far better than I ever could. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see if inspiration strikes me in the future.<g>

You already know this is R-rated<g>, but I do want to warn you that this story is extremely sad, as you can probably imagine. I happen to love sad stories, but writing this one depressed even me. Just don't say I didn't warn you<g>.

And finally, I'd like to express my thanks to Jordan for her critical eye, gentle suggestions and general good humor. You've kept me laughing all summer, girl!

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24 Hours, Part 1

by Elizabeth
Eliz1296@aol.com

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I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.

"I Will Remember You," Sarah McLachlan

_______________________________________

5 A.M.

Doug stumbled into the ER and made his way toward the admit desk. He was sweating and weaving and by the time he got to the desk he had to grip the edge of it to steady himself.

"Oh, Danny boy," he sang loudly, grinning at Lydia happily. It had been a hell of a night and he was bombed and he was supposed to work in a couple hours. Thank god Tammy's apartment was only a few blocks away. He didn't think he would have made it otherwise.

Lydia was getting ready to go home, after working the night shift, and she shot him an annoyed look and shook her head.

*What's she got up *her* ass?* Doug wondered, raising his eyebrows and grinning at her again as she walked away. His vision swam and his eyes glazed over. He was staring fixedly at the wall when he felt himself starting to sway. At least the desk was there for him to drape himself over so he could keep his balance.

A few minutes later Mark Greene came into view, looking like hell. Must be on call.

"Marky, boy! Aw, did I wake you up?" Doug greeted him, grabbing for a nearby wheelchair that slipped away from him as he tried to hang onto it. Mark clutched him and Doug slung an arm around Mark's shoulder. It sure was good to see a friendly face. "You are a real friend, I wantcha to know that...real friend," he said, bursting into song again as Mark led him toward an empty bed in exam three.

Mark knew the drill. Doug had been showing up at the ER smashed off and on since he started at County, and lately it was getting to be a regular thing. Thank god he was a fun drunk and not one of those types that got tight and mean, Mark thought. He settled Doug into a bed, with Wendy's help, to sleep for a while and get sobered up before he'd be needed for the day shift.

"So anyway," Doug chuckled, loosening his tie. "She says to me, she says, `I didn't know that *pediatricians* could be so sexy.' And *I* said, `Honey, you ain't seen nothin' yet.'" Doug started to laugh until Mark stuck an IV into his arm and he winced. By the time Mark left the room, Doug was already asleep.

____________________________________________

6 A.M.

Carol hung up her gray coat and beige scarf and took a deep breath. Finally, it was here: Her last day in the ER.

Lydia walked into the break room. "Morning Carol," she said.

"Good morning, Lydia," Carol said, closing her locker, composing her face carefully and turning around to look at her co-worker. "How was your night?"

"Oh, not bad. Pretty quiet actually, until Dr. Ross came in," she said.

Carol nodded knowingly. "Hmmmm. Singing?"

"Ooooh, yes."

"`Danny Boy'?"

"How'd you know?" Lydia said.

"Oh, I just *know*, that's all," Carol said, smiling a little grimly. "Where is he now?"

Lydia smiled back. "Exam room three, sleeping it off."

Carol nodded again, briefly, and looked down. She had been awfully remote lately, Lydia thought, not exactly *upset* or anything, but still not acting like a girl getting ready for her wedding day. It was good to see her start her shift smiling, even if it was because of Doug Ross.

Lydia took her coat and purse out of her locker and followed Carol out of the breakroom to bring her up to speed on the patient load before she went home.

Carol listened as Lydia went through the names on the board and gave a brief synopsis of each patient. Then she said goodbye to Lydia and started checking through some paperwork, trying to figure out where to start.

She was relieved to have Lydia gone. If Lydia hadn't said anything, hadn't asked what was wrong, no one would. None of the others had a clue: not Haleh, or Susan, or Wendy or Chuni.

*No one knows. Not even close.* Carol was convinced that none of the others guessed the dark thoughts that had plagued her, knew the depth of her sadness.

Actually, she felt like she was starting to come to terms with it all. She was feeling more peaceful and settled than she had in a long, long time.

Pieces of a plan had come together in her mind. A way to escape it all and leave behind all her problems and all the problems she'd caused everyone else in her life.

Carol had seen plenty of death, working in the ER, and it didn't scare her. In fact, there was a finality about it that appealed to her, somehow. It would be a relief.

Suicide. The coward's way out, some people called it. Carol didn't care. Truth was, she was a coward and she knew it.

She hadn't told Tag about the night she'd spent with Doug. Hell, she hadn't even had the guts to break off their engagement. She just couldn't stand to disappoint Tag. He was so happy, so engrossed in their wedding plans. She couldn't bring herself to tell him she didn't want to marry him - and she didn't see the point anyway. He would know soon enough.

Carol had already disappointed Tag, told him she didn't want to live with him until after the wedding. She'd moved out of his apartment three weeks earlier and into a place she was sharing with a woman who'd advertised for a roommate. At this point in her life, Carol preferred living with a stranger who wouldn't make a personal connection with her and scrutinize everything she did.

Carol walked up to the front desk in time to hear Timmy on the telephone. There was a building collapse in the Loop and a dozen victims, seven critical, were already on their way. Carol notified trauma and braced herself for the inevitable crushed bodies and bloody limbs, thinking how her wish that this would be a quiet day wasn't going to come true.

Not surprising.

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6:45 a.m.

Carol triaged victims and assigned the other nurses to various patients. A gurney smacked into the wall in exam three where Doug was still sleeping and awakened him abruptly. He pulled himself together just in time to help out. Amazing how he could face the day, hungover, after such a small amount of sleep.

Carol was all over the place, jumping in to help when she could and supervising her nurses, helping Wendy for a few minutes and encouraging her when it looked like the girl was going to be sick.

Carol had been especially kind to Wendy lately. She hadn't forgotten the night when she had blown Wendy off and allowed a prescription mistake to go unchecked that could have resulted in a fatality. In fact, she'd been watching herself at work very carefully, ever since.

Truth was, she couldn't trust herself anymore. She'd lost the fragile sense of self-confidence that she once had. The high standards she'd always held in her personal and professional life were all shot to hell. Between distraction and depression, she wasn't good at her job anymore. She was living a lie with Tag and she was afraid - if she got really desperate again - that she would wind up back in Doug's bed sometime soon.

The whirlwind of the building collapse started to slow down. Carol called ortho to notify them of a patient with an open fracture. Doug was there, his tie and shirt covered with blood, examining the patient's knee injury before Susan Lewis got him stabilized and ready to go up to O.R.

Carol followed the patient out of the trauma room slowly, and Doug walked behind her, watching her.

"Are there any others?" he asked.

"No, that's it," she said, not looking at him.

Mark was in the hallway. "That's it?" he asked.

"Yeah, the last two were d.o.a." Carol said.

"So, that's it," he said.

"Yeah. For now," she replied, walking past Doug and Mark and going down the hall without looking back.

Doug watched her walk away. He'd been worried about her lately. She was incredibly remote and closed. And not just to him - but to everybody. He had expected her to be angry with him, furious even, after their breakup. But in fact, since then, she'd shown no emotion at all. She'd been totally professional, even gracious to him, he thought.

But so, so distant.

Mark watched Doug's eyes follow Carol, look away and then glance back at her again. He knew Doug was concerned about her, but he hadn't been able to get Doug to explain why. Doug was obviously back to his old ways, following his usual pattern of getting drunk and sleeping in a different bed every night. But Mark suspected something had happened between Doug and Carol. Something Doug was too embarrassed to talk about.

8:30 a.m.

Carol started working on the charts that had piled up in the midst of the trauma. Updating patient information, making sure that meds that had been ordered were actually being given, recording insurance numbers.

She thought again about what she was going to do, about how she would make sure that the locked pharmaceutical cabinet would be accessible to her at the moment just before she went off her shift tonight.

She had seen more than her share of suicides over the years. Some were serious and some were looking for attention and some just wanted to scare people. Carol was serious, though she couldn't conceive of doing violence to herself. Luckily, she had an advantage, she thought, smiling a little. It was funny to think of it that way.

She knew about medications and she had easy access to them. She'd already calculated the dosage of barbiturates she'd need to slip into her palm and take home with her. No one would miss it and even if they did, it would be too late and the pills would be gone - washed down with some Scotch just to calm her nerves and take the edge off. Leave her with nothing more than a warm, drowsy feeling.

She'd timed it perfectly, too. Her mother was having dinner with her aunt and playing cards afterwards. This was Tag's league night at the bowling alley and her new roommate worked nights and wouldn't be home until long after the barbiturates had done their job.

And she didn't have to worry about Doug calling or coming by, although he'd been hanging around her at work flirting with her again lately. He never gave up, she thought wryly. He was the one who'd broken things off, but he was still hoping to worm his way back into her life somehow, still wanting anything he couldn't have. The guy was beyond belief.

Carol didn't blame him for what she was going to do. He was only part of what made life so unbearable for her - and she didn't hold it against him. It wasn't his fault she'd fallen in love with him.

If anything, it was her fault, for believing he could love her back. Like her mother always said, men like him don't change.

But she'd been a fool and let herself believe that he might change - just for her. She'd read way too much into his bullshit.

Doug had made it abundantly clear just what she meant to him on that morning - the morning after she'd gone to him for comfort and escape the night she'd had made that stupid medication error.

Carol winced. Numb as she was, closed off from her feelings, the memory of that morning still hurt.

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The Morning After

The sun was streaming in the window by the time Carol woke up. 9:37 a.m.

Carol couldn't remember the last time she'd slept so late, but then by the time she and Doug had finally fallen asleep it had been after dawn.

She started to turn over, but found Doug right beside her, his head nestled against her shoulder. She couldn't move. Doug was breathing deeply and Carol knew he was exhausted. She smiled, feeling happier than she'd felt in a long time.

For the first time in months, she was up, hopeful. Last night was so special, so intense, after Doug had stopped her crying and made love to her again.

Carol let herself hope - did he love her? The look on his face, the way he held her. It was the closest she'd ever felt to anyone.

She'd always known that in the past, he'd been holding something back. Not physically - never that way. But emotionally, he'd always been detached, remote. No matter how close their bodies were, he was always distant somehow. Cool - just beyond reach. In control, even in their most intimate moments. Carol always sensed that Doug never revealed more than he wanted to.

But last night, she felt like he'd finally let her get close to him. He had let her see something different about him, something so open and so vulnerable.

__________________________________________

Remember the good times that we had
We let them slip away from us when things got bad.
Clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one.

____________________________________________

They had hugged and kissed for a long time until Carol caved first. Just being close to him, anticipating his touch, surrounded by the good smell of him on the sheets, was enough to arouse her. As he covered her with kisses and stroked her all over, she was so ready she thought she would die if she didn't have him.

"Doug, you know you're making me crazy, don't you?" she murmured as he nuzzled at her breasts and caressed her.

But Doug was still enjoying himself, playing with her and not in a hurry at all.

He chuckled. "You're such a pushover, Carol."

He sat up, put a pillow behind his back and leaned against the headboard. "C'mere," he said, pulling her up to sit on his lap, facing him. He put his arms around her slim waist and hugged her to him, remembering with pleasure how she molded to his body and how sweet it was to feel her softly yield to him.

Suddenly, Doug was engulfed by a tender feeling, a terrible longing for her - even though she was right there. He was sharply aware of it and with the next breath he took, he felt a catch in his throat. Something about having her here, in his arms again, was getting to him and he couldn't stop it.

Doug was more shaken than he wanted to admit by her admission, a few minutes earlier, that she was going to marry John Taglieri. He couldn't let that happen. He didn't want another man to have Carol - to be with her this way, to feel her surrender her body like this. What if this was their last time together? What if he could never possess her - never make love with her - again?

He tightened his arms around her and breathed in the smell of her hair, bowing his forehead on her shoulder. He felt his guard slipping and he didn't want to let Carol see his face, knowing it would reveal far more than he ever intended to. He tried mightily to stay focused on the physical - just enjoy the sex and not think about anything more. But it was too late.

"I need you - I need this," he said, still feeling a fullness in his throat. "I've missed you so much, Carol. I've been so ... lonely without you."

Doug was surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. He'd hardly admitted this to himself and now he was telling her.

Carol sat still, melting into him, letting him hold her and hardly daring to breathe. Doug *never* opened himself up. If he talked about his feelings at all, it was only to make a joke. And he had certainly never admitted to needing her.

He was quiet, his head still resting on her shoulder, his arms still holding her tightly. She reached down and put her hands on his face, tilting it back so she could see him in the dim light that was starting to fill the room. She was amazed at the intensity of the look in his eyes when they met hers. She had seen that look before and had never been able to identify it. Now, she didn't want him to ever stop looking at her like this.

But Doug closed his eyes and started to kiss her, pushing her hips back, so he could enter her and become lost in her body again. So he could stop himself from saying something else he would regret later.

She wriggled onto him, pushing forward so he was buried deeply inside her. Making him moan and drop his head forward onto her breast.

Carol ran her hands through his hair and tilted his head up again so she could kiss him hotly, wanting to please him. She braced her hands against his shoulders and started moving her hips up and down, watching him slip in and out of her, glistening with her wetness.

Doug was watching too, incredibly turned on by the sight of her astride him and by the way she was slowly losing control, giving herself over to the pleasure he was creating for her. He put his hands on her breasts and stroked them, then he caressed her stomach and her thighs. Every inch of her was so beautiful in his eyes.

"Carol ..."

She heard him, dimly, already lost again in their rhythm and the feel of him penetrating her and rubbing against her.

"Carol, I love this," he said, moaning and gripping her ass, pushing her up and down, helping to accelerate her pace. "I love making love to you."

Doug had an overwhelming urge to push her back onto the bed and take over, but he restrained himself and stayed where he was, letting her do the work and prolonging his pleasure.

Carol worked harder, on the edge of coming again, until she felt him release inside her, groaning and grabbing her tightly. She rotated her hips, grinding down and she came too, with a moan and a shudder.

She dropped her head forward onto his shoulder and let her arms fall around his neck.

He held her close, until she slowly relaxed in his arms, then slid her off him. He pulled the covers back and slipped under them, taking her with him, and closed his eyes, hoping she would stay.

Doug had to admit he needed her, needed this. He wanted to keep her close to him. The thought of her marrying Tag and never coming back to his arms again was enough to make him desperate.

Carol moved to get up, but Doug's arm was still around her and he tightened his grip.

"Don't go."

Carol looked at him, raising one eyebrow quizzically. "What?"

Doug hesitated a moment. "Are you leaving?"

Carol remembered her earlier impulse to get up, put on her clothes and sneak out on him like he had done to her so many times.

"I'm just getting up for a minute."

"Oh. Okay."

He released her and Carol went to the bathroom, washed her hands and face and found one of Doug's T-shirts hanging on a hook. She slipped it over her head, then walked back to the bedroom, expecting Doug to be asleep.

Instead, he was lying on his back waiting for her. When he caught sight of her he raised the covers so she could climb in beside him.

He fingered the T-shirt and smiled. "Did you find this in the bathroom?"

Carol nodded.

"Looks a hell of a lot better on you than it does on me."

"Oh, I don't know about that," she said, smiling and leaning in to kiss him softly, then turning over onto her stomach, she pulled the pillow under her head and closed her eyes.

__________________________________

So afraid to love you,
More afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night.
You gave me everything you had,
Oh, you gave me light.

_____________________________________

Now, with the sun illuminating both of them in the rumpled, messy bed, Carol quietly lifted the covers and got up. Doug sighed and turned over, still sleeping. She smiled as she looked at him. She loved the rare glimpses she got of him asleep. He looked like a little boy - his hair tousled and his face so innocent, so clear for once of all the cynicism and sarcasm and sophistication that it usually held. He looked so honest. So real.

Carol went out to the living room, gathering up the clothes she had dropped there in a frenzy of wild abandon the night before. She blushed a little, then smiled. Maybe it hadn't been such a mistake to come here after all.

Carol could almost make herself believe that he'd said he loved her while he was holding her. He said he needed her, he missed her. How could they be so intimate, so right for each other, and not be in love? She refused to believe what everyone told her - that Doug only wanted her for sex. After last night, every instinct in her knew that wasn't true.

She loved him, she knew that. Tag, even at his most ardent, did not come close to satisfying her like Doug did - and not just physically. She felt a closeness to Doug when she was with him - and she thought that last night, maybe for the first time, Doug had felt it too.

She walked back to the bedroom, holding her things in front of her. Doug was still asleep.

She decided to take a shower and wake him up later.

_______________________________________________

But Doug woke up on his own, roused after a few minutes by the noise of running water. He yawned and stretched, then recalled the events of the night before and instantly felt himself go cold. Within a few minutes, he was in a full-fledged panic - absolutely, positively scared to death.

Carol had been wonderful. Last night made him remember all over again how great it was, making love with her.

But it had not been just physical. He had lost his carefully composed persona, he'd allowed himself to show Carol just how much he cared for her. He hadn't done that with a woman since ... well, he couldn't remember ever doing that.

In fact, he hadn't really shown the vulnerable, emotional side of himself to anyone in years. At least not while he was sober, anyway. As a kid, he'd learned that if he wanted to avoid getting hurt, he had to keep his feelings under wraps. And by this time in his life, protecting himself from intimacy had become second-nature.

But last night, Carol's tears and her own vulnerability, plus the thought of her marrying someone else, had shaken him and he had let down his guard. He'd held her and let himself feel things for her he'd forgotten he was even capable of feeling.

This morning, he cringed, remembering it all. He didn't do things like that. He kept an emotional distance from everyone - his friends, his coworkers, the women he had sex with. Now, he felt like he'd been caught out - and he hated the naked, exposed feeling he was left with this morning.

*Oh god, I need a drink.* He looked at the clock. Nearly 10. A little early, but he couldn't remember the last time he needed a gin and tonic this badly.

He thought about getting up but sank back into his pillow instead, worried about facing her. Worried about what she was going to expect from him. He never had been able to live up to the expectations of anyone he cared about. And now, he didn't even want to try. He just wanted to run.

Carol had discovered how much he needed her and she would have the upper hand now. She'd be able to manipulate his feelings and use them against him. Just like all women did, she would start making demands.

Doug thought for a minute about trying to live up to her expectations, but fear overwhelmed him and he knew instinctively he wasn't going to be able to make her happy. He was going to disappoint her, and he loathed himself for it already.

The water went off and a few minutes later the bathroom door opened and Carol walked out wrapped in a towel, her hair dripping in tight coils over her shoulders. She caught sight of him, still in bed looking at her, and a shy smile crept over her face.

"Good morning, you," she said, walking slowly towards him.

Doug just looked at her. He didn't think he'd ever seen Carol so happy. She was radiant. Her face was so blatantly open for once. Her heart was right in her eyes, her emotions totally exposed, when usually they were hidden away. All he could think about was how terribly vulnerable she seemed.

She knelt on the bed next to him and touched his face, leaning in for a quick kiss. "I had fun last night," she said, slyly. "You were wonderful."

Doug couldn't look into those eyes. He stared over her shoulder, then looked down at the bed. It was best to do this quickly, before either of them got in any deeper, he thought. He hesitated, not knowing how to start.

The telephone rang. Carol watched Doug as he turned over and reached for the receiver on the other side of the bed.

"Hello? Oh, uh, hi....Yeah, it's Saturday at 10. Did we? Aw, shit...I forgot. Yeah, I guess I forgot. Listen, I'm...I'm gonna have to take a raincheck, uh, something's... I know, I know, I'm really sorry. Later, maybe? Okay, listen, I'll call ya later on, okay? All right. Yeah. Goodbye."

Doug hung up the phone and looked up, only to see Carol staring at him.

"Who was that, Doug?"

"Oh, you know, just someone I'd made plans with..."

"Who, Doug?"

"Um, that new surgical tech, Tammy."

Carol stood by the bed, embarrassed and taken aback. Tammy. The one that all the guys at work were drooling over. She was one of those rare women blessed with slim hips and ample breasts and she knew exactly what kind of effect her figure had on men. Tag had told Carol about the way she threw herself at all the surgeons.

Tammy had been pursuing Doug for weeks, Carol knew. Everyone in the ER had been talking about her and laughing about it behind Doug's back.

Doug sat up then and ran his fingers through his hair, looking down and sighing, obviously struggling for words.

"I'm sorry, Carol. I... you know, with you last night .... I mean, we have fun, Carol, but ... you're with Tag and I'm seeing someone else ... I think we want different things right now."

She froze. Just stared at him, uncomprehending. What was he saying? That Tammy actually meant something to him? Carol didn't believe it for a minute.

The brush-off. He was using Tammy to try to let her down easily. Carol could hardly believe it. Was this the same man who, just a few hours before in this very bed, told her he needed her, that he was lonely without her?

Carol tuned out what Doug was saying for a minute, overwhelmed with her thoughts. She looked at him again, her face a mixture of confusion and disbelief. "But Doug, you ... what you said last night ... that you needed me ... what was that about?"

Doug sighed, miserable, wishing he was anywhere but here. "I shouldn't have said that, Carol. I don't think what we have is going to work."

Carol's face changed then, and Doug looked up at her just in time to catch a glimpse of something that devastated him - crushing disappointment, and hurt, and pain. But it was just a glimpse. A fixed, brittle look replaced the hurt so quickly, he wondered later if he'd really seen it.

She laughed, suddenly. Just a short laugh, harsh-sounding, as she backed away from the bed.

"What we have doesn't work?" she asked, sarcasm dripping from every quiet word. "Just what *do* we have, Doug? Whatever it is, it sure as hell seemed to be working fine for you last night."

Her dark eyes flashed at him hatefully, he thought, and now he was the one who felt a stab of overwhelming pain. It was as though she was taking his vulnerability, his tender words of the night before, and turning them on him - using them to taunt and wound him. She wanted to make sure he knew she had the advantage, he thought.

He lashed back blindly, without thinking, letting shame and anger and a lifetime of hurt get the best of him.

"I'm not the one who showed up here in the middle of the night, Carol. If I remember, that was *you* on my living room floor, begging to be fucked."

She turned away swiftly, cut to the heart, not wanting him to see her face. She felt like he had kicked her in the gut. A fuck. So that was it, just like everyone had always told her. That was all she meant to him. That was all she'd ever meant.

Doug felt sick instantly. God, what a shitty thing to say. He didn't even know where that came from.

"I'm sorry, Carol. I shouldn't have said that ..."

She cut him off. "Yeah, well I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I came here and disturbed you. I sure as hell didn't hear you objecting last night. Don't worry, Doug, I won't bother you again."

"Carol, I didn't mean it ..."

She turned back to face him swiftly, her eyes boring into him. "Oh, yes you *did,*" she said, spitting out the words, and she walked away from him, intent only on putting on her clothes and getting out as fast as possible. She was reeling. She didn't know how she could have been so wrong about him - she had never been so wrong about anything in all her life.

He leapt out of bed and followed her into the bathroom, desperately trying to get her to stop and look at him. "Carol, please, I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

Carol was furious, shaking, not thinking straight. All she knew was that she would be damned if she was going to let him see her cry again. He reached out and took her arm, pulling her back toward him and turning her around.

"Don't *touch* me," she said, steely-eyed, yanking his hand off her arm. She stared him down, mustering every ounce of courage she had left, until finally he looked away.

Carol closed the bathroom door then, locked it and dressed swiftly. When she came out he was sitting on the couch in a T-shirt and sweats, a drink in his hand.

She avoided his gaze and went straight to the door, picking up her purse from the floor on her way.

"Carol, do you need a ride home?" he asked quietly.

"No," she whispered.

Doug felt so goddamned helpless. "Carol, I'm ... sorry."

She looked over at him for a moment. He couldn't read her face at all - it was completely blank. Then she turned and walked out.

END OF PART ONE