A Different Corner

All the characters in this story are property of Warner Bros. No profit has been made from it, only that of enjoyment. This story also contains graphic scenes and is therefore not suitable for anyone under the age of 18.

Author's note: I've written stories about Doug and Carol before, however, this is my first attempt at ERnfanfic so please be gentle with me! :o) All feedback is welcome, either through the list or privately at Claire@sparky0138.freeserve.co.uk  

The biggest thanks possible go to Elizabeth, who not only shares her fine-toothed comb with Jordan, but with me as well. I don't know what I would have done without you, girl. Thank you.

A Different Corner
by Claire Hinchcliffe

This story takes place after “Random Acts”
___________________________________

I’d say love was a magical thing
I’d say love would keep us from pain
had I been there
had I been there
I would promise you all of my life
but to lose you would cut like a knife
so I don’t dare
no I don’t dare

“A Different Corner” - George Michael
___________________________________

Carol walked wearily along the hospital corridor, one hand on her hip, the other rubbing the back of her neck. She’d already worked a shift and had then stayed on at the hospital to keep Doug company. She was exhausted.

Doug hadn’t wanted to leave Mark’s side after the accident. Instead, he’d insisted on staying there all night and had maintained a vigil well into the early hours of the next day. It was only when Doug had finally fallen asleep that Carol had retreated to an empty exam room and caught up on a few hours’ rest herself.

She could understand Doug’s obstinacy completely. Mark was his best friend in the world and she knew that if - God forbid - the situation had been reversed, Mark would have done exactly the same thing for Doug.

But for some strange reason she couldn’t quite figure out, she felt an obligatory duty to stay there with Doug. It was Mark who needed support, Doug who was his best friend, and yet she still couldn’t go home and leave Doug there all alone.

And besides that, she didn’t mind staying. At this particular moment in time, she would have given anything for a good night’s sleep in a comfortable bed, but in the back of her mind she kept telling herself that Mark was her friend as well and she was prepared to be there if he should need her.

Or if Doug should need her.

Mark's room was in partial darkness. A light above his head shone a dim glow over the bed and the light from the corridor made a feeble attempt at illuminating the rest of the room. Slumped over the edge of the bed with his head buried in his arms, Carol could just about make out Doug’s eyes through the shadows, closed and oblivious to his surroundings.

She walked towards him and pulled gently at the stethoscope still hanging around his neck. With a careful tug, she eased it out and laid it down on the bed beside him. He grunted a little and shifted his head, turning towards Carol with his face pressed against his hand so that his cheek was squashed in-between.

Carol smiled.

“Doug?”

Nothing.

He looked so peaceful, sleeping. She smiled again, thinking back to the times in the past when they’d shared a bed and she’d woken up in the middle of the night and been mesmerised by the expression on his face.

She used to think it was silly. She’d read bad romance novels when she was younger and heard talk from a couple of her friends about how there was something special about waking up in the middle of the night and watching their partners sleep.

Carol dismissed this as nonsense, wondering how any woman could find delight in opening her eyes to find her boyfriend snoring loudly or drooling into his pillow as he slept.

Until she met Doug.

No snoring, no drooling - although she knew he did! - she woke up one night and was captured by the innocent expression on his face.

Standing beside Doug now in the privacy of Mark's room, she continued to watch him, reminding herself of how long it had been since she'd last seen him asleep like this.

Doug had the most beautiful eyes and Carol liked nothing more than looking into them. But for the better part of their relationship, she’d just wanted to forget what she could see in them.

Everything was so uncomplicated when he was asleep. His eyes were closed and therefore, so was everything else. She couldn’t see anything in them; no memories of the rotten day he’d had at the hospital, no reminders of the women he’d cheated on her with, but most of all, no anxiety to get out of the bed before she woke up in the morning.

But things were different now. She didn’t have to look into Doug’s eyes and feel that instant pang of hurt and self-loathing she often used to feel when looking at him.

A noise broke her concentration, the routine beeping of one of Mark’s machines bringing her back to reality.

Without thinking, she reached up affectionately and brushed a stand of hair away from Doug's face.

What the hell are you doing? she asked herself, glancing over her shoulder to check nobody had witnessed her moment of weakness, one that seemed to be recurring a lot just recently.

Intent on whispering a little louder, she leaned closer. His face was so close.

Oh, Doug.

Just a little closer and....

For God’s sake, just wake him up before you do something stupid.

“Doug? Are you awake?”

He brought his head up quickly and looked around, first at Mark and then at Carol.

Carol stepped back quickly, praying that Doug couldn’t see any traces of guilt on her face. But what was there to be guilty about? All she’d done was wake him up. How was he to know she was in the process of trying to banish all previous thoughts of how nice it would have been to have woken him with a kiss?

“What’s happened?” he asked, barely audible because he was still sleepy.

He looked exhausted. His eyes were a little puffy and Carol’s guilt was soon exchanged for worry as she noticed, even in the dim light, the dark circles beneath them. He was completely drained, physically and emotionally.

“Nothing’s happened, Doug. It’s okay. Mark’s okay,” she assured him, glancing at Mark who was still fast asleep.

“What time is it?” He was looking at Mark again now, going over everything that had happened.

“About 6:30.”

He yawned and then rubbed his hands over his face. “You know, for a moment there,” he paused to clear his throat, “when I first woke up....I thought it might have been a dream.”

He glanced at Carol for a moment and then turned his attention back to Mark. It was breaking her heart to see him so unhappy and yet she had no idea what to say. She kept telling herself she was a nurse and that she had to do things like this everyday, assure people that everything would be all right and that they just had to be patient and take each day as it came.

But the man in the bed was Mark. And the friend by his side was Doug. What could she say to either of them that they didn’t already know?

So the silence continued and the beeping of Mark’s machine felt like it was getting louder and louder in her ears.

Doug looked at her, searching.

"Maybe you should think about going home, Doug. You don't look too hot."

“Thank you, Carol," he chuckled. "You really know how to cheer a guy up."

Carol reached into her pocket and pulled out a little compact mirror. She opened it and held it up to Doug’s face so that he could see his reflection.

“I see what you mean,” he grunted, taking the mirror from Carol and looking into it more carefully. His pale face and the dark circles beneath his eyes made him wince. “Uncle Fester’s got nothing on me, has he?”

"Uncle Who?"

"You know, the Addams Family. Uncle Fester?"

"Oh....yeah."

He smiled, the smile turning into another chuckle as he slipped the mirror back in Carol’s pocket and reached for her hand. He didn’t say anything. The smile on his face disappeared and was exchanged for a look that was more serious. His gaze fixed on their joined hands as he comfortingly stroked her fingers with his.

The gesture brought back so many memories for Carol. The roughness of his hand on hers felt so familiar, like they’d never been apart. It was so soothing, so reassuring. So nice.

A nurse entered the room and Doug let go of Carol, both of them reacting like they’d been caught doing far more than just holding hands. Carol stepped back and linked her hands behind her back, Doug coughed and turned his gaze on Mark.

The nurse looked a little embarrassed, apologising as she flicked a switch on the wall and Doug and Carol winced, their eyes unaccustomed to the bright light. They watched as she went over to the opposite side of the bed and began checking on Mark. She monitored the machines, making a note of their readings, and scribbled some things down on her chart. They both watched in silence as she continued her examination and then left the chart by the bed before leaving the room.

Doug pushed his stool back and stood up. Carol watched as he picked up his stethoscope and hung it around his neck, making his way round to the other side of the bed.

“Doug, what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he asked, a little annoyed that she'd even question him. “I’m checking on Mark.”

“There’s no need.”

“There’s every need - he’s my friend.”

“I know he is,” Carol said calmly, “but he’s asleep and he’s resting peacefully now. He’s gonna be fine and you need to get some rest before you do some damage to yourself. There’s nothing you can do for him now but be patient.”

Doug sighed. He knew she was right. She was always right. Carol always seemed to know what was best for him more than he did himself. He still wasn’t convinced though.

“I know you’re right but if I just -”

“No, Doug. You’ve got to get some rest and something to eat. You’ve been here all night. He knows you’re here for him if he needs you, that’s all you can do for him right now.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, and looked down at his feet dejectedly. He looked like a little boy who’d just been told off for something he hadn’t done and Carol hated it when he did that. She always wanted to wrap him in her arms and take care of him. It was this gift he’d always had that made her want to hug him, even when she’d been angry at him. She didn’t know if he was aware of it or not.

“Should we go get something to eat?” she asked him, trying to push the thoughts from her mind.

“Mmmm.....” He looked back again at Mark. “You go get your things and I’ll be right with you.”

Carol nodded and walked off in the direction of the ER. At least she could make him eat something, even if she couldn’t get him to rest.

When she got to the lounge, it was empty. She knew it had been a slow night and was surprised to find nobody taking a nap or eating breakfast.  Before she went to her locker, she went to the refrigerator. The contents were hardly what you’d call appetising so she closed it again and went to get her things. She put on her coat and grabbed her bag, taking a small detour on her way out to pick up Doug’s things from his locker.

On her return, she wasn’t surprised to find him standing by the side of Mark’s bed, glancing over the chart the nurse had just written on.

She stood in the doorway, his coat hung over her arm, and watched him. He was studying the chart and glancing occasionally at Mark.

She knew exactly what he was doing. He was checking to see if he could spot something the nurse had missed, anything that might necessitate him staying.

“Are you ready?” she asked, prepared to argue with him if he suggested a reason for not leaving the hospital.

He didn’t say anything at first. Instead, he just put the chart down and shook his head in remorse at not being able to do anything.

Finally, he spoke, his voice cracked with emotion. “Look at him, Carol....Just look at him.”

The bruises looked even worse than they had the night before and understandably so. His face had swelled up and he was hardly recognisable.  He’d been beaten pretty badly and they both knew it could have been a lot worse.

She decided not to comment. Instead, she walked towards him with a smile on her face and held up his coat for him to put on. “Come on, Fester,” she joked.

He put his coat on and took one last look at Mark.

“He’ll be here when you get back,” she said.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I know....I just feel so helpless.”

“Come on,” she said, and without a second thought to what he would think or whether it was the right thing to do, she put her arm around him and guided him out of the room.

* * * * *

They were nearing Carol’s house now, the two of them sitting in silence and thinking about everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

They’d both decided it would be best to get something to eat at home; Doc Magoo’s not being open yet and the early morning food - if that’s what you could call it - at the hospital cafeteria making them want to do anything but eat.

Confined within the close proximity of Doug’s Jeep, he suddenly realised that somewhere along the line, it had been decided that he give Carol a lift home. He wasn’t sure how it had come about and if he was honest, he didn’t really care. He was just grateful he had the chance to spend some time alone in her company.

He kept sneaking glances at her when it was safe to do so, hoping she would do the same just so he could look at her and see her smile. But she didn’t.  Instead, she continued to look out of the window, her face remaining expressionless. She looked so tired.

But so beautiful.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

His voice broke into her thoughts. “What?” She turned her head now and looked at him.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you....back there at the hospital.”

She smiled. At last.

"Did you? I didn't notice," she said, shrugging her shoulders and turning back to look out of the window. "But if you did then it was because you were worried about Mark. I understand."

“Well....I’m sorry anyway.”

The rest of their journey continued in silence until they reached Carol’s house. Doug pulled the Jeep up outside and left the engine running, looking expectantly at Carol for her to get out. But she didn’t.

“Aren’t you coming in for some breakfast?”

This was the last thing Doug had expected to hear. “You don’t mind?”

“Why should I mind?” she asked, the question remaining unanswered as she unfastened her belt and got out.

He turned off the engine and did the same. Following her up the path, he asked himself the same question. Why should she mind? It was a simple enough question. All she’d done was invite him in for some breakfast. It wasn’t like she was asking him to sleep with her.

Unfortunately.

__________________________________

take me back in time
maybe I can forget
turn a different corner
and we never would have met
would you care?
___________________________________

When Carol walked into the living room balancing two plates of toast and two cups of coffee, she found Doug on the couch with his eyes closed. He was slouched at one end, his feet up on the coffee table in front of him, his head resting back. She sat down beside him and put his plate and their drinks on the table.

“Doug?” she said quietly. “Your toast’s ready.”

No answer. He was fast asleep and she didn’t have the heart to wake him. She knew he was in need of food but she also knew he was in need of some sleep even more. So she ate her toast in silence and stared at the plate on the table. His toast and coffee were getting cold but she could make him some more when he woke up.

“Doug?”

Someone was whispering his name but the voice was distorted. He couldn’t figure out who it was.

“Doug? Can you hear me?”

The voice was a little louder now, soothing and familiar, warm breath feathering his ear and making him shiver.

“Carol? Is that you?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes, Doug. It’s me.”

“Carol -”

“Shhh....just relax.”

And so he did. He relaxed his body completely and then there was nothing; no voice, no movement, no breath in his ear making him shiver. Everything around him had disappeared.

He tried to open his eyes but found he couldn’t. Then he felt her somewhere behind him; didn’t know what she was doing but he could sense her presence.

Suddenly, her hands slid over his shoulders. She pinched them hard and then started to massage them, alternating gentle caresses with firm and almost painful squeezes.

“Carol, not so hard.”

“Sorry,” she whispered, and loosened her grip.

She ran her fingers up his neck and through his hair, pushing his head forward to place soft kisses at the nape of his neck.

“How’s that?” she breathed, pulling at his shirt so she could move her mouth further down.

“Mmmm....,” was all Doug could muster as he sat forward, her hands moving down to pull his shirt out of his pants.

She pulled him back again, one hand remaining on his shoulder as the other snaked around to the front of his shirt, her hand venturing down through the opening at his collar to trace patterns on his chest with her fingers.

Keeping her hand down his shirt front, her fingernails scratching lightly against his skin, her head came down level with his and she nuzzled at his neck, kissing and licking just below his ear.

“Have you missed this, Doug?”

“Mmmm....”

More kisses.

“Have you missed *me,* Doug?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“I’ve missed you more than anything.”

“Show me how much you’ve missed me, Doug.”

He didn’t need telling twice. He pulled her arm from out of his shirt and took her hand, guiding her around the edge of the couch.

And then he opened his eyes and he could see her. She was standing before him. Beautiful. Just like an angel.

He shook his head in astonishment, not quite believing she was here and she was his.

He edged forward in his seat and placed his fingers on her waist, watching as his hands moved down over her hips and then around to her bottom, squeezing it gently as if affirming it was still there.

Then he moved them up again, taking her shirt with him as he slid his hands towards her breasts and cupped them over her bra. He held them gently, teasing her nipples through the lace until she reached down and pulled off her shirt.

She unhooked her bra and slipped it off, obviously eager to feel his hands on her bare skin. He reached for her again, grasping harder this time, marvelling at that fullness and softness he hadn’t felt in years.

Oh my.

She sighed and arched forward and he pressed his face between her breasts, kissing and trailing his tongue over her skin until he found a  nipple. He sucked it gently, extracting even more sighs from her lips and forcing her to wantonly press him against her, her hands on the back of his head. He increased the pressure, licking and sucking harder, her moans getting louder and louder by the second.

She was close to climaxing, he could tell, but he wasn't sure if what he was doing alone was enough to drive her over the edge. His hands roamed hungrily over her body, stroking every inch of her he could while continuing to stimulate her breasts with his mouth. He found the zipper of her jeans, the sound it made as he pulled it down lost in her moans and the continuous calling of his name.

He thrilled at this, realising he could still bring her to this height of excitement after all this time. All the frustration, all the waiting; it was finally paying off.

He pulled at her jeans and lowered them down over her hips until they fell to the floor around her ankles, her panties falling with them. His hands moved back up the smooth skin of her thighs; so warm and overwhelmingly soft.

She kicked off the jeans from around her feet, freeing herself of their restriction, and parted her legs, anticipating the feel of his hand between her thighs.

He moved his hands slowly, further and further, one hand coming to a stop at the small of her back, the other moving up to slide between her legs.

He moaned at the feel of her, how wet she was, how much he’d missed this; being her lover, bringing her to this. God, she was so wet.

“Oh, Carol.”

He stroked her clitoris, working in slow, easy circles. She let go of his head, reaching instead for his hand between her legs, and pressed it against her, her moaning and thrusting intensifying as she made him increase the pressure.

He leaned back and watched her hair fly around about her shoulders, her breasts swaying as she rocked in front of him, her hand over his, sliding over her again and again, harder and harder, faster and faster.

“Oh....Doug....”

He nearly came with her, the pressure in his pants almost matching her own need for release. She continued to hold onto his hand, rubbing his fingers over her clitoris but with less urgency this time, her orgasm beginning to wear off as her breathing began to slow down.

The look on her face was like nothing he’d ever seen. Her eyes were closed, so weak and heavy, and her mouth looked so full, her lips slightly parted; he needed to feel them on his again, feel their softness and voluptuousness against his own mouth. He closed his eyes. He wanted to slip his tongue between her lips and taste her; drink her in like he used to years ago.

It would be so much better this time.

He opened his eyes to find her kneeling on the floor. She had her hands on his knees and was pulling his legs apart.

“Carol, you don’t have to -”

“I know I don’t. Close your eyes again,” she said, pushing him back against the couch.

He did as he was told and closed his eyes. His hand, the one that had parted her legs only moments ago, was resting on his thigh. She picked it up and toyed with it in her hands, weaving their fingers together and applying gentle pressure to his palm at she massaged it with the pad of her thumb.

And then she brought it up to her face and kissed along his finger, stopping at the end and pushing it into her mouth. She swirled it around with her tongue and sucked on it, allowing it to move in and out of her mouth seductively.

He opened his eyes. He wanted to watch her doing it.

She removed his finger from her mouth. “I said close your eyes.”

He sighed and did so reluctantly.

“Soon,” she promised, and curved her hands underneath his legs so that she could pull him down further into the couch.

He felt her tugging at his shirt, unfastening the buttons one-by-one until it was finally pushed apart and her hands were splayed across his chest. They wandered over his skin, exploring the contour of his body, his shoulders, his chest, his stomach.

Then her mouth was on him, her tongue leaving wet trails as she encircled his nipples. She placed delicate kisses around them and sucked and tugged at them playfully with her lips, re-enacting what he’d done to her earlier.

He placed his hands on her head, recalling the feel of her soft, dark curls. He didn’t even have to put his nose to her hair to smell the familiar scent of her shampoo he’d so often dreamed of finding on his pillow next to him when he woke up in the morning; it was permanently in his mind.

He could feel her hands creeping up to his shoulders again now, she was kissing her way up his chest and his neck, along the line of his jaw and close to his mouth.

He turned his head towards her, needing to feel her lips on his, but each time he tried she just moved her kisses back to his cheek or his neck. It was maddening and her teasing only made him want her more.

Her kisses stopped. She was straddling him now, her arms on either side of his head, holding onto the back of the couch. She didn’t oppose him this time when he opened his eyes, her head just above his and his face level with her breasts.

She started to grind against him on his lap, pressing down onto his erection and making him groan with frustration. He could remember what it felt like to be inside her and he wanted to feel it again now; wanted to make up for all those times in the past he’d made love to her but hadn’t been able to remember it the next morning because he’d been so drunk at the time.

She pulled at the belt of his pants and his hands quickly joined hers, their fingers fumbling together with the zipper until it was pulled down. She slipped her hand into his boxers and took a firm hold of his penis, her fingers gliding up and down the length of him.

She put her face close to his and for a moment he thought she was going to kiss him. “Tell me what you want,” she whispered, pulling back before he could capture her lips.

Damn.

“You,” he replied huskily. “I want you.”

She looked at him for what seemed like an eternity, her eyes searching his face for betrayal and any sign that she couldn’t trust him. Then her face changed, the ambiguous look in her eyes disappearing. She looked resigned, convinced; she believed him.

She shifted and positioned herself over him, making his cock rub against her, each of them getting wet and even more aroused. And then she came down against him, both of them moaning in pleasure as he entered her for the first time.

He held onto her waist, controlling her rhythm as she moved up and down on top of him, his hips lifting up off the couch so that he could penetrate her even deeper, both of them driving against each other, spurring the other on, calling each other’s names, desperate and frantic and passionate....

___________________________________

I don’t understand it
for you it’s a breeze
little by little
you’ve brought me to my knees
don’t you care?
___________________________________

He awoke disoriented and adjusted his eyes to his surroundings. It didn’t take long for him to realise he was still at Carol’s house.

The sun was shining brightly through the curtains and he figured it must be somewhere around lunchtime. His eyes came to rest on Carol sleeping peacefully beside him. He had no idea when he’d fallen asleep or how long after that Carol had joined him, but if the dream he’d just had wasn’t within his reach, he was more than happy to settle for waking up next to her again.

She was leaning against him, her head on his shoulder, and he followed her arm down to where it was resting on his thigh.

Hmmm.... He’d been going to make some more toast but upon second thought, decided a cold shower would be more beneficial.

But dare he just go and use Carol’s shower without asking? She might not like it. Here he was, an ex-boyfriend, one who’d just recently come to realise he’d based their so-called relationship on give and take - Carol doing all the giving, him doing all the taking - and he was in her house and was thinking about having a shower without her knowing.

Of course, him doing all the taking wasn’t strictly true; he’d given her pleasure in the bedroom, he was sure of that, but had he ever given her the important things like honesty and stability and trust? He’d never been able to give her that....until now. So how ironic was it that he’d gotten his life back together but used up all his chances? Was it too late?

It was make your mind up time. Which would you rather have, Doug? Carol waking up to find you in the shower or with an erection the size of the Empire State Building down your pants?

Taking the liberty of assuming Carol wasn’t in the mood for sightseeing, he opted for the former.

Making sure not to wake her up, he slipped out from beneath her and left her asleep on the couch. He made his way for the stairs, pausing at  the bottom to look back towards her bedroom.

He’d been there only a few times since she’d moved in and then there had usually been somebody else there at the time. On the few occasions he’d been there alone with her, he hadn’t stayed long, either getting the impression his company wasn’t wanted or not wanting to outstay his own welcome.

He remembered her giving him, Mark and Susan a tour of the house just after she’d bought it. She’d moved some of her things in already and the rooms were still a little bare. The house needed a lot of work but he could never forget  how excited Carol was at finally owning her own home.

“Carol, remind me again, why did you buy this house?” he’d asked her.

“It’s not just a house, it’s a home,” she enthused as she bustled up the stairs. “It’s beautiful. It’s got character, it’s got warmth....”

“And it’s got a hole in the wall the size of Kentucky!”

“Well, you don’t have to look at that, do you?” she said, moving quickly to stand in front of it as they all reached the top of the stairs.

“It’s pretty hard to miss,” Doug chuckled as he walked past her and started down the hallway.

“Oh, it’s not so bad, Doug,” Mark said as he followed him into a room.

“Thank you, Mark,” Carol called after him, pleased that at least one person seemed to be on her side.

“Yeah,” Susan commented. “I’m sure Carol has a great view of Chicago through it.”

They all burst into laughter as Carol stood in the doorway of the room they'd gathered in. “Sure guys, laugh away, but at least I *have* a house.”

She left them then to finish off the tour of the house on their own and they’d felt awful, teasing her about the state of the place when they knew how excited she was to be moving in. What she’d said was true. None of them lived in a house; they all rented apartments. They didn’t have the right to make fun of her.

When she returned a while later, she found Doug on his own still looking around the room she’d left him in.

“You know this will be a great house once it’s finished,” he told her honestly, “and we shouldn’t have teased you before. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” she said, looking around aimlessly. “You were right. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought it.”

“Are you kidding?” he asked, joining her in the middle of the room and putting his arm around her shoulder. “How many other people can lay in bed at night and see the stars through their ceiling?”

She’d laughed at that and pushed him away playfully, walking towards the window. “It does need a lot of work though and I guess I knew that when I bought it.”

“So why did you buy it?”

“It just felt so right, you know.” She watched as an El train went past and waited for the noise to subside before she continued. “I knew I had to have it even before I walked up the porch steps.”

“Smart move,” he said, chuckling to himself. “They were probably missing anyway.”

“They were,” she laughed and went with him to join the others downstairs.

And just look at the place now, he thought; it was beautiful. She’d done what she’d told everybody she was going to do and made the house into a home. Most people would probably have found it easier to knock the house down completely and start from scratch but Carol had stuck with it, knowing in her heart that she could make it into something not just satisfactory but a pleasure to live in.

And now he was staring at her bedroom door and wondering what *that* room was like inside. He wanted to see her room, wanted to see how she’d furnished it, all the little trinkets and all the feminine colours she’d chosen to make the room her own. But, just like every other time he’d been there since, the door was closed.

He climbed the stairs, trying to avoid the creaky floorboards on his way up, and walked along the hallway to where he knew the bathroom was. He went in, closed the door behind him, and turned on the shower. He looked around him as he began to undress. Carol’s bathroom had puzzled him in the past.  There was always something different about it, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was just your average bathroom; a toilet, a sink, a bath and a shower, and yet something was different. It wasn’t until now that he suddenly realised what it was.

Diane, Karen, Linda - especially Linda - and all the other women he’d been with, even the one-night stands he couldn’t even remember the names of, their bathrooms had always been full of bottles and tubes and boxes of everything from cosmetics to creams that did things to parts of the body he never even knew existed.

And then there was Carol and her bathroom. She had a single shelf holding only a few items - and even Doug knew what they were for.

Meanwhile, Carol opened her eyes and realised she must have fallen asleep on the couch. She glanced at her watch and saw that it was almost time for lunch.  Doug must have gone home. She picked up the plates and the cups from the table in front of her and took them into the kitchen. She’d freshen up and then make some lunch before going to visit Mark at the hospital.

Going up the stairs, the house didn’t seem as quiet as it usually was. She’d lived alone since Shep left and so she was used to the silence, apart from the El trains that rumbled past, of course. The noise she heard now was unusual but not unfamiliar. It got louder as she continued along the hallway and she stopped still as she realised it was the sound of the shower running.

Doug was in the shower. Her shower. She closed her eyes and listened, the sound of the water changing as he moved about underneath the spray. Move your feet, she told herself. Walk back down those stairs. It was difficult but she managed it - somehow - going straight back into the kitchen and beginning to fix herself something to eat.

What’s happening to you? Every moment you get, you’re thinking about him; you’re wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s thinking about you. You’re being silly. Nothing’s going to happen. You’re just friends. Good friends. That’s what you wanted. Don’t spoil it now.

But if she was honest with herself, that wasn’t what she wanted. She wished things were different. She wished there was more to her and Doug than just friendship. But she was afraid and she had every right to be. That didn’t mean she stopped thinking about him though.

It was weird. Right from the start, everything between them was always so easy. When they were dating and used to have arguments, they were always reconciled by a look or a gesture. That was Doug’s way of communicating and Carol didn’t have much of a problem with that because she knew that was just the way Doug was.

But then they split up and Carol thought that would be it; no more looks, no more gestures. She thought it would stop but it didn’t. Oh, it did for a while. Doug avoided her a little at first but then things started to settle down. The first thing to get back to normal was their working relationship. They started talking more and more, getting back to how things used to be. They’d joke and laugh and begin to feel comfortable with each other again - probably too comfortable seeing as Carol ended up sleeping with him while she was still seeing Tag - but then she noticed it starting again; the knowing smiles, the subtle hand on her arm or back as he’d walk away, the private jokes that made the two of them laugh hysterically and everybody else shake their heads in puzzlement. Even when they’d been dating other people, they’d always been able to communicate, even if it didn’t involve actual words.

Flirting. Carol didn’t like to give it a name but she knew that’s what it was. They’d always been able to flirt, no matter what. And now it was happening again. She didn’t mean to flirt with him; it just happened, and every time she realised what was going on, she stopped herself. She felt guilty. She felt like she was doing something wrong. She tried to reason with herself that friends flirted with each other all the time and that there was nothing wrong with it. It didn’t mean anything. She’d always been fine with it in the past but just recently it seemed to be happening more and more. It was like something was building up between them, something that was getting bigger and bigger. They’d always go so far and then one of them would stop. It was like they were approaching an imaginary line and were afraid to cross it for fear of what might happen if they did.

She hated to admit it but she secretly wanted that line to be crossed. Doug had been so great just lately and she was certain she wasn’t just imagining the growing bond between them.

And she always found herself thinking about him too. At first, it was just when she was around him. They’d work together at the hospital and he’d say something to her, make her laugh, and then he’d walk away and he’d be on her mind until she saw him again. She hadn’t really noticed it at first but then she realised it was happening more and more, until he was creeping into her thoughts even when she wasn’t at the hospital; when she was at home or with other people and supposed to be thinking about something else.

And now she was getting worried because during the last few days, not only had she been thinking about him, but she’d been fantasising about  him too. And having him upstairs standing in her shower wasn’t helping matters much either.

“Hey, Carol.”

She spun around, almost dropping the plate she was holding in her hand. He was standing in the doorway, his hair damp and still wearing the same clothes he’d had on since yesterday.

“Enjoy your shower?” she asked, the sheepish smile on his face making her laugh and letting him know he wasn’t in trouble.

“Yes, thank you. Is that my coffee?” he asked, motioning to the cup on the counter.

“Yeah, but it’s cold. I’ll make you some more.”

“It’ll be fine,” he told her as he walked over and picked it up. “It’s got to be better than what’s at the hospital.”

“Anything’s better than what’s at the hospital,” she told him as he began gulping it down.

“You going there today?” he asked when he’d finished, placing the empty cup in the sink. “To see Mark, I mean. You’re not on today, are you?”

He walked to stand in front of her. He was a couple of steps away but it was still close enough for Carol to smell the soap he’d used. “No, I’m not on until tomorrow.”

“No, me neither. I was planning on going to see him now.”

“Well, I have some things to do so I’ll probably go see him later,” she told him as she turned her back to him once again. She wasn’t trying to avoid Doug but she realised what she’d just said might sound that way. She couldn’t help it. She just felt flustered; her mind was still in that shower with him.

“Okay,” he said eventually. “I’ll tell him you’re coming. I might see you later.”

With that, Doug left. He thought he might have upset her in some way but couldn’t see how. Perhaps she did mind him having that shower after all.

Mark seemed a little better when Doug arrived to visit him at the hospital. He wasn’t exactly up to talking much but Doug couldn’t really blame him for that. Carter was working a shift and said he’d keep an eye on him, even though Mark had been moved from the ER to a room of his own the night before.

Doug waited as long as he could but Carol never showed up. He left the hospital eventually, after getting Carter to promise he’d call him if Mark needed anything, and went back to his apartment alone.

___________________________________

no I’ve never come close
in all of these years
you are the only one to stop my tears
I’m so scared of this love
___________________________________

Doug switched off the television and stood up, throwing the remote control onto the chair with a sigh. It was around 10pm. He wasn’t really tired but all the same, he wandered into his bedroom, took off his T-shirt and pants, and climbed into bed. He was working tomorrow and knew he should get some rest but he just couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about Carol. He kept thinking about that dream.

The phone was beside his bed and he picked it up. He didn’t dial, he just stared at the numbers, arguing with himself whether or not he should call her. You want to call her, he told himself. Just do it.

He carefully dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. Perhaps she’s gone out, he thought. Maybe she’s gone out with some friends. Or maybe she’s out on a date with some guy. She’s not like you, Doug. She doesn’t spend her nights thinking about....

“Hello.”

“Hi, Carol. It’s me, Doug.”

She almost laughed. As if I could mistake *that* voice, she thought.

“I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asked when she didn’t say anything.

“No, I was just getting ready for bed.” The silence returned as Doug’s mind went into overdrive. “What are *you* doing?”

“Just watching television,” he lied. “I phoned because....uh....did you go to the hospital to see Mark?”

“Yeah, I went this afternoon,” she told him as she climbed into bed. “He looked a lot better than he did last night. He told me you’d been to see him.”

“He remembered? I wasn’t sure if he would. His memory’s still not all that great, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. But at least he remembers what happened now, even if that’s only because you told him. He also said you’d been bullying Carter into keeping an eye on him when he was perfectly capable of looking after himself.”

“Sounds like he’s getting back to normal then,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, he’ll be okay.” She pulled the covers up around her and snuggled into the bed with the telephone still tight to her ear. “I just really hate to see him like that.”

“Yeah, me too. If I could just get my hands on the guy who did this -”

"Then you'd just be lowering yourself to his level," she told him.

“Probably. But it would make me feel a hell of a lot better....Carol?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Last night. Staying at the hospital with me, inviting me for breakfast, uh....”

“Letting you use my shower?”

“Yeah, well, that too,” he chuckled. “I just wanted to say thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Carol?”

“Yes, Doug.”

She was smiling at him. Doug could tell because he could hear it in her voice. “I also wanted to say thank you for....uh....”

She waited for him to continue but he didn’t. She knew he was still there though because she could hear him breathing. Whatever it was he wanted to say, he was obviously finding it very difficult. She was just about to say his name when she heard him sigh.

“Listen, Carol....I’m not real good with words, you know that. I....uh....I hadn't really planned on saying this to you tonight, but....what happened after Nadine...."

"Nadine Wilkes?" Carol was shocked. He'd never even mentioned her name since it happened; she couldn't believe he wanted to talk about it now.

"Uh....Nadine Wilkes, yeah....after she died, what happened....you probably don't even remember...."

"Remember what? Something about Nadine?"

"No, what happened afterwards....when I came to wait for you at the El and you left me there....you, uh....what you did, it probably saved my life...."

He began twirling the telephone cord around his finger, the cable getting tighter and tighter as he continued.

"You made me wake up to myself....kinda made me realise what I’d been doing with my life....and if you’d taken me home with you and looked after me like I wanted you to that night....then I’d probably have ended up in an even bigger mess than I am right now. So, uh....I just wanted to say....thank you....for that too.”

He’d wanted to say that to her for ages but he’d never had the chance. He’d always been afraid of telling her and when he’d finally worked up the courage, they’d always been interrupted or he’d convinced himself it was the wrong place or the wrong time. He’d babbled his way through it but it was done now. At least it had been said.

Carol was speechless. Doug was right; he wasn’t ‘real good’ with words, but what he’d just told her - the way he’d said it - she wouldn’t change it for anything.

“Carol? Are you still there?”

“You’re not a mess, Doug. Why would you say that?”

“Oh, you know,” he chuckled, relieved she hadn’t just hung up on him. “Things always seem to happen to me.”

“Things happen to everybody, it’s not just you.”

“It seems like it’s just me.”

“Did you mean what you said? Do you honestly believe it was me that made you turn your life around?”

“Yes,” he assured her confidently.

“But I didn’t really do anything. In fact that’s just what I did. Nothing.”

“Exactly. Leaving me there was the best thing you could have done.” He chuckled. “I hated you at the time but....”

“Did you?”

“No, I’m joking. How could I possibly hate you?”

Carol didn’t know what to say. Doug had really surprised her tonight. This conversation had been the last thing she’d expected when picking up the phone and was only confusing her feelings for him even more.

“Doug?”

“Yeah?”

“Walking away from you that night....it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do,” she admitted. “Being a friend’s about being there.”

“Not necessarily....you told me what I needed to hear. That was good enough.”

Carol sighed. "I guess."

“Well, I’d better go,” Doug said suddenly. “It’s getting late.” If he was honest, he could have spent all night talking with her.

Carol was disappointed but she didn’t let it show. “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at the hospital.”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you for telling me, Doug.”

They both smiled into the silence that followed.

“Goodnight, Carol.”

“Goodnight.”
___________________________________

and if all that there is
is this fear of being used
I should go back to being lonely and confused
if I could, I would, I swear
___________________________________

January 2, 1999