Apparitions of Your Soul

The show ER and all characters and situations borrowed from it are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only and no profit is derived from it.


Note: This story contains language and consensual sex scenes which may offend some readers and as such is inappropriate for those under 18.

This is a sequel to my first fanfiction, "For Only You" and it picks up
immediately after that one ended. I'd love to hear your comments and
suggestions! Please e-mail me at the address listed below.


Apparitions of Your Soul

by Elizabeth
Eliz1296@aol.com

_____________________

Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul,
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you,
I do what I have to do.

--Sarah McLachlan, "Do What You Have To Do"

____________________


Present Regrets

The cold night air accosted Doug as he made his way out of Carol’s apartment building and walked toward his car. Saturday's dawn was not far away, he could see by the lightening sky.

He felt happy and scared at the same time. Happy because being with Carol was so wonderful. She never stopped amazing him - how uninhibited she was, how she wanted him as much as he wanted her, how incredibly good she made him feel.

But he was also scared. She had said she loved him - and even though it was during the heat of the moment, he believed her.

She had never said those words to him before and he'd never had to contemplate what he would do if she did. Now, he feared, she would expect him to say the words back - tell her he loved her. If not today, then soon.

And he couldn't do that.

Of course, he'd told women he loved them, casually - when he was trying to get them into bed. The words spilled out so easily then - and were just as easily forgotten when his attention turned to someone else.

But he'd never said "I love you" and meant it. He'd never said it to Carol.

Tonight, he felt reluctant to leave her and that surprised him. Typically after sex, he was seized with the need to be alone, to extricate himself from emotional entanglements he didn't want or need.

But tonight, he almost didn't go. He had stopped to look at her ... drinking in the sight of her beautiful, peaceful face, the pale skin of her lovely body, her hair spilling over the pillow ... and nearly turned around.

Doug sighed, starting his car and heading home. His jaw still ached and he was slightly hung over. He felt confused. He knew he cared for Carol, but he didn't know if he loved her. Hell, he didn't know what it meant to love her - or any woman, for that matter.

And he couldn't lie about something like that - at least not to Carol.

Damn it, he thought. Now things would be awkward between them. It would be tough to avoid her hurt looks at work. Doug pulled up to a red light.  "Too bad," he thought, remembering that they were both off this weekend. "We could have gone up to Dundee today, spent the night at the Iron Hedge Lodge ..."

The thought forced a smile from him. The bed-and-breakfast inn was a special place, especially dear to Carol, where they had spent some of their happiest moments. They had discovered it shortly after their first date and gone back several times since.

But now, he could not suggest that they go there. Carol would only be more disappointed in him, more hurt, afterwards. Doug sighed. He knew it was wrong to go to her tonight. He had screwed up and now he would pay the price.

Anytime a woman pressed him for commitment or emotional involvement, Doug always ran in the opposite direction.

And now, Carol was doing it. Carol, of all people. Carol, who knew better than anyone that he could not commit.

And the worst part of it was ..... he didn’t know how far he could run from her.

___________

Carol wrapped herself in her sheets and scooted over until she was lying in the spot where Doug had been a few minutes earlier. She inhaled slowly, taking in the scent and the heat of him that lingered in her bed. Oh God, she had messed up badly. Telling Doug she loved him. How *stupid*. It would scare him to death, she knew, make him keep his distance from her for weeks, if not forever. But she just couldn’t help it. The words had come out spontaneously, surprising her as much as they did him.

When they first started dating, she was happy to be with him just for fun. He made her laugh, he was exciting and unpredictable - it was an adventure just being around him. Somehow, when she accompanied him into his world, it made her feel heady and brave and so different from her usual self. It was intoxicating.

It was his fault that she started to need him, she thought. He had taught her to be hungry for his body, thrilling her and surprising her with the depths of pleasure he gave her. Before long, she had developed an appetite for him that seemingly could not be satisfied.

Then, in the last few months, she had fallen in love with him, though it had taken her a long time to admit it even to herself. Finally, she realized it was what made her keep taking him back no matter how many times he infuriated and betrayed and disappointed her.

She hadn't meant to tell him, though she'd had to bite the words back every time he held her or made love to her.

But tonight she had finally done it. How would he react? Thinking about it made her shiver under the warm covers.

“It’s probably the best thing,” she told herself firmly. “Now I’ll be rid of him and I can get on with my life. I can concentrate on my work and maybe meet someone who will love me back.”

But the brave thoughts marching through her head did not resonate in her heart. She knew there were other men she could be dating, men her co-workers wanted to set her up with, men her mother pushed her towards. But she did not want them.

She did not want anyone but Doug - though she knew she couldn’t have him. Not really. Not for anything more than casual sex - and always on his terms, never on her own.

When *he* wanted her, when *he* needed her, he would call or just show up, expecting her to be there for him.

The selfish bastard. It was always about him.

Carol sighed and closed her eyes, snuggling down further, breathing in his fading presence again and again.

Her mother kept telling her she needed more and she knew it was true. But her heart did not want to believe it.
_________________


Avoidance

“Good morning, Carol,” Mark Greene said as Carol walked into the break room.

"Hi Mark."

She poured a cup of coffee and sat down on the arm of the couch, taking a minute before the start of her Monday morning shift.

The door opened again and Doug Ross walked in, giving Mark a nudge on the shoulder.

"Hey buddy, how long you on?" he asked, glancing over and belatedly noticing Carol. "Morning Carol," he said, in a voice that sounded a little bit wary.

"Good morning, Doug," Mark replied, "I'm here 'til 3 and it looks like it's going to be quite a day." He downed the remainder of his coffee, noticing the tension building in the room and realizing that Carol had not looked up at Doug or returned his greeting.

Mark sighed. Doug and Carol's tempestuous relationship had made for some difficult situations at work - strained things for everyone. Both of them had hot tempers and recently some fireworks had erupted between them in the ER that had already become legendary. "Well, um, I think I'd better get back out there," Mark said. "Carol, as soon as your shift starts would you check out exam room three?"

"Sure, Mark, I'll do it right now," she said as Mark walked out the door.
Carol stood up and went to the sink.

Doug put something in the refrigerator and busied himself at the coffeepot, not looking in Carol's direction. The silence in the room was deafening.

"Soooo, how was your weekend, Carol?" he finally said.

"Just great, Doug," she replied, putting her mug away briskly and making her way toward the door. Then she stopped and turned around, "How's your jaw?" she asked softly.

"Oh, it's okay ... thanks. Carol, uh, ... maybe we should talk," he said, facing her uncomfortably, his chin pressed into his chest, hands clasped together in front of him.

"Forget it, Doug," she said with a cynical smile. "I know what you want to talk about and you don't have to worry. You're not on the hook for anything."

Then Carol turned and left the room.

And so her "I love you" hung uncomfortably between them for the next few weeks, much as they both tried to forget it.

They avoided each other remarkably well. Carol went to lunch with some of the other nurses or ate in the cafeteria. Doug heated up leftovers and ate in the breakroom in front of a TV soap or spent his lunch hour on the basketball court.

Yep, Carol thought, watching him shoot freethrows one day, he's scared to death and looking for a way out - for good.

Well, she would not give him reason to think he was trapped, or that he owed her anything. Saying "I love you," in bed meant nothing - Doug of all people should know that, she thought.

This time, Carol determined, she was really through with Doug Ross.
____________________

Escape

Doug slammed his locker shut and looked up as Mark walked in.

"You off?" Mark asked, opening his own locker. "Wanna go grab a beer?"

Doug looked at him. "Sure. Maybe we could catch the game."

"Jenn's expecting me home tonight for a change. But I'll come with you for a beer," Mark said.

They put their coats on and headed out of the ER into the cold dusk. Mark pulled on gloves and a cap. Doug turned up his collar and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"So, you've been awfully quiet lately," Mark started, tentatively. He was never sure how much talking Doug would do when the topic turned personal.

"Yeah ... so?" Doug replied, looking over at Mark curiously.

"I just wondered whether it had something to do with ... Carol, or whatever," Mark said. Hell, what a stupid question, he thought. Everyone in the ER had felt the temperature drop any time the two of them had gotten near each other recently.

"That obvious, huh?" Doug asked, chuckling and looking at Mark sheepishly as they walked the two blocks to a neighborhood sports bar.

"I'd say it's pretty damned obvious *something's* wrong," Mark said. "Did somebody catch you out in the parking lot again and tell her all about it?"

"Aaaaw, I told you that was nothing but a vicious rumor," Doug said, smiling and reaching over to elbow Mark in jest.

But Mark continued to look at him with concern.

Doug looked away, cleared his throat uncomfortably, then looked back at Mark.   "She's ... Carol's, ah, ... she wants me to, y'know, settle down, and I'm just not up for that. I'm thinking maybe it's time to get out. We don't want the same things anymore."

"Is that what you want - to get out of it?" Mark said. "Cause it sure doesn't seem that way to me."

"Oh, so you're the authority now on what I want, huh, buddy?" Doug looked at him with a grin. "I guess I should just ask you so *I* can figure it out, 'cause I sure as hell don't know most of the time."

They turned the corner and approached the bar. Mark stopped and put a hand on Doug's arm.

"Doug, if you really want to know - I think you love her. I think you want to settle down, but you don't have the guts to do it," Mark said seriously.

"Oh really?" Doug looked down, avoiding Mark's gaze, then he met Mark's stare evenly. "Well, I guess I'll figure it out for myself one of these days, okay?... Now, let's go get that beer." Doug turned abruptly and pulled open the door to the bar.

Mark looked after him a minute and sighed, then followed him inside.
______________

Alone

Doug pulled another long neck out of the refrigerator and opened it. He was restless, pacing between the TV and the bedroom and the kitchen. He hated being alone and sober, especially at night. He had worked a swing shift and stayed late when one of his patients had to be admitted and he'd decided to stay with her until she was transferred upstairs. When she'd finally gotten settled, it was too late to drop by the bar. If he started really drinking at this hour, he knew, he'd be badly hung over by the time he had to work again in the morning.

So now, here he was, alone, with all his failures and shortcomings staring him in the face. All the things he could have done differently, all the things he should have handled better. They had a way of crowding in around him at times like this and he found he could not push them away.

He sat down on the couch and flipped through the TV guide, fruitlessly, thinking again how he would like to be at Carol's right now, holding her, kissing her, forgetting everything else for a while.

Doug had called her from work earlier in the evening, but had gotten her answering machine and decided not to leave a message. And somehow, he couldn't bring himself to go to her. He wasn't drunk enough to take it if she slammed the door in his face, which he figured there was a pretty fair chance she would do.

He missed her, more than he knew he could miss a woman. Sure, he saw her at work, but she'd been cold, avoiding his gaze, walking away quickly when they were finished with a patient. He was relieved, at first, that she didn't expect him to talk about his feelings.

But now, he simply missed being with her. He thought about her a lot. How she never pushed him to tell her how he felt. It was nice that way - she seemed to understand him without his having to explain everything to her.

And they'd had some good times together, great times even. And not just in bed - though that was great too, he thought, smiling to himself - they had fun, they liked the same things, they got along. Was Mark Greene right?

His mind wandered back to the first time they had gone up to the Iron Hedge Lodge, just a few weeks after their first date.
_________________

Dundee

They decided, impulsively, to drive out of the city after finishing long, tiring shifts. They each had a couple of days off and Carol's friend had told her about a bed-and-breakfast not too far outside of Chicago.

An hour's drive and a couple of wrong turns later, they found the place and checked in after midnight. Both exhausted, they undressed and fell asleep in the big, four-poster bed almost instantly.

The next morning at breakfast, Doug charmed the elderly, forbidding German woman who owned the place, a Mrs. Kleindenst, into loaning them a blanket and some glasses. They packed a bottle of wine Carol had brought and set off to explore the neighborhood around the lodge.

It was set on the edge of an undeveloped tract of land and they tramped a long distance over it before Doug spread out the blanket and opened the bottle, pouring them each a glass.

Carol sipped her wine and stretched out on her back, looking up at the intense blue sky overhead.

"It's so beautiful here," she said, "it makes me feel like I don't ever want to go back to the city."

"Umm-hmmm," Doug said, putting down his glass and lying down beside her, taking her hand in his and kissing her palm, then sliding his mouth over her finger and sucking gently.

"Doug," she laughed. "I was looking at the scenery."

"Me too," he said, gazing at her intently. "It's very beautiful."

He put his arm around her waist and kissed her neck, reaching his hands up to brush lightly over her breasts.

"Doug!" she looked around hastily. The spot they had stopped at was deserted, but they were in a suburban neighborhood, not out in the country. "We can't ... I mean, not right here. Somebody might come by. A kid or something."

"What are you so worried about?" he asked, grinning over at her slyly. "Don't tell me you've never done it outside before?"

"No, I've never done anything like that," she said, acting a little shocked.  

"Well, I guess that means I'll be your first." He slid over on top of her and started kissing her deeply. "Now you're making me *really* horny."

"You're always horny - you don't need any help from me," she replied, rolling her eyes and pushing him off abruptly.

He was surprised. Usually she was so ready for him, so willing to pick up on his moods and go with him.

She was looking at him, half-apprehensive and half-teasing, so beautiful, and he reminded himself again that he didn't really know this woman. They had come together, physically, so quickly that it came as a shock sometimes when he realized how little of her inner self she had allowed him to see. How much she kept hidden.

Maybe she was truly intimidated about fooling around outside. Or maybe she wanted to play. He decided to give it a try.

"Well, Nurse Hathaway, I'm sorry but if you don't cooperate with me I'll just have to let a few of your secrets out at work," he said, grinning and leaning in again to kiss her tentatively. This time, he thought he felt her kissing him back - just a little.

"My secrets? Are you blackmailing me, Dr. Ross?" she said, bringing a finger up to stroke across his cheek.

"Oh, I wouldn't call it that... But I have a feeling the other nurses might be interested to know just how low you've sunk lately," he said, between kisses, his voice maddeningly sexy and slightly mocking. "They just might be surprised, for instance, to hear that you've been spending your break time down in the basement, screwing."

He was laughing now, his eyes twinkling. He knew this was a dangerous subject.  He had finally persuaded her to meet him in the basement for the first time a few days earlier and he knew she was still embarrassed about it.

"Doug!" she gasped, pushing him back and hitting him. "Don't you *dare* tell anybody about that!!"

He fended off her blows and grabbed both her wrists deftly, pinning her arms at her sides and holding her body down with his own to still her struggles.

"Oh yeah? Well, if you don't want anybody to know, you'll have to do just exactly as I say." He had a wicked grin on his face, watching her to gauge her reaction, making sure she was still playing with him, that he wasn't going too far. Then he took her blouse in his teeth and pulled it up just far enough to allow his mouth access to her breasts.

Carol closed her eyes, her breath coming faster. His voice, his body on her, what he was doing with his tongue under her blouse - she felt her resistance crumbling. "God, what are you doing, Doug?" she asked.

"What do you think I'm doing? I'm horny and I've decided I'm going to have to fuck you right here," he said, bringing his face up to hers and kissing her mouth, searching for her tongue with his own.

"Let me go ... " she whispered, still wriggling under him.

"Will you do what I want?" he asked, nuzzling her neck, rubbing his face between her breasts, trailing his mouth over the thin fabric of her blouse.

"Yes." Her voice was a whisper, barely audible. He let her go and she immediately pulled his face up and began kissing him passionately, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"Hmmm, not worried about who might see us now?" Doug chuckled. "I'll show you how to do this right."

He watched her as he slowly unbuttoned her jeans, drawing the zipper down and lowering them around her hips. Her eyes were glued on his, her mouth open and wet. She felt jumpy and excited.

Doug fingered her panties, then took hold of the crotch and swiftly ripped the thin fabric back to expose her wetness.

"Doug!" Carol tried to cross her legs, but Doug slipped his fingers inside her, realizing immediately by how drenched she was that she was definitely enjoying his little game. He reached up and began rubbing her gently, making shock waves run through her.

"Now, I want you to unzip my pants," he said evenly, in his best good-doctor voice, punctuating his request with hot kisses.

Carol looked him in the eye, trusting him, and reached down to unfasten his jeans.

"Take it out," he murmured, still rubbing her, causing incoherent sounds to slip out from between her lips.

She reached inside his pants and grasped his hard cock, freeing it from his shorts.

"Oh, yeah," he moaned at her touch, his kisses becoming more urgent. Carol was losing herself now, his insistent fingers taking her away from herself. She began to press herself against his hand.

"Wait, Carol," he whispered, pushing his knee between her thighs and easing his body between her legs. "Wait for me."
__________________

Missing You

Carol turned over in bed and moaned softly. Doug was making love to her outside the Iron Hedge Lodge.

They had their clothes on and they were lying on Mrs. Kleindenst's blanket, and Carol couldn't believe how reckless it felt, how aroused she was, how much she loved letting him have his way with her.

Doug thrust into her, never stopping the rhythm of his fingers, making her groan with feelings that overwhelmed her.

Carol arched her back and clung to Doug as she came, feeling him coming at the same time inside her, their muscles contracting in unison, hearts racing, panting together.

It was an intense moment, a special experience that Carol never forgot no matter how many times they had made love since then. She held him against her fiercely, joy welling up inside her at the feeling of his heart pounding against her chest and his face buried in her hair.

God, how could she live without it, without him?

Carol opened her eyes slowly and looked straight ahead, disoriented for a moment. She was in bed, alone, and she had been dreaming.

God*damn* it.

She couldn't escape the memories of him - not at work, not in her apartment, not in her bed. Especially not in her bed, where she dreamed of Doug night after night.

Tears welled up in her eyes.

She thought about that day up at the lodge again. She had been so intimidated at first, not at the impropriety of his suggestion, but because she feared she would not be able to relax. She was worried that she would disappoint him.

But he had been playful, caught her up in a tease, made her forget her fears.  He always seemed to know exactly what she needed, whether it was patience or encouragement or fun, she thought.

They had lain together afterwards, spent bodies still intertwined, for a long, long time, her arms around Doug, his head resting on her shoulder.

Finally he'd gently backed off her, zipping up his pants and lying beside her.  She'd rearranged her own clothes and rolled over to look at him, propping her chin on his chest.

His eyes were far away - he seemed to have left her. She looked at him
questioningly. "Doug? What are you thinking about?"

He didn't answer, but continued to look past her.

She tilted his chin down gently so she could look at him. "Hey there," she said quietly.

He smiled softly, brushing the messy tangle of dark hair out of her eyes. She leaned over happily and kissed him, holding her mouth against his for a minute, then pulled back, smiling.

"You left me for a minute," she said. "Where were you?"

Doug looked at her seriously. How could he tell her he'd been thinking about how many times he had screwed up with women - and how desperate he was not to do it again with her?

"Uh, I was just thinking it's a good thing poor old Mrs. Kleindenst didn't take a walk this afternoon," he said, his mood lightening. "She'd probably have turned the hose on us."

Carol laughed. "Are you kidding? She'd probably have had you arrested for blackmail!"

He continued to draw his fingers idly through the wild mass of her hair, searching her eyes. "Oh, I was really making you suffer there a while ago, wasn't I?," he said slowly, grinning sarcastically.

Carol felt herself blushing and hid her face in his shoulder.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed Carol," he said, pulling her back up to look at him. "I love it when you let yourself go like that. You're amazing."

"Well, I feel like I should ... I don't know, thank you or something," Carol said, looking at him, still shy. "Nobody else - no other guy - ever, um, bothered to make sure I ..."

Her voice trailed off.

He chuckled, enjoying her sweetness and wanting to hear her say it. "No other guy ever ravished you on a blanket outdoors?" he asked, grinning.

"Doug! You know what I mean. No other guy ever, y'know, made sure I was ... happy before he ... had his own fun."

"Well, you were definitely not dating the right guys, Carol," Doug said. "If those guys didn't want to make you happy, they must've been morons."

Carol looked at him quietly, then snuggled her body into the curve of his arms, resting her head on his chest and closing her eyes.

__________________

She thought about that day over and over again, alone in her bed, finally understanding why she was dreaming of Doug when she should have been putting him behind her.

When he wanted her, Doug made her feel something she'd never felt in her life.  She felt desired, worthwhile. All the bad things her mother had planted in the back of her mind - about her not measuring up, not being good enough, not trying hard enough - vanished when Doug wanted her. He chose her, though he could have any woman.

He chose *her*.

And even though he was unfaithful, even though he could be an absolute son of a bitch sometimes, by coming back to her over and over Doug kept hope alive in a tiny corner of her heart: She could make him love her. She could be enough for him. Someday, he would not need anything or anyone else but her - just as she did not need anyone but him.

She sensed that deep down there was a spark, a nugget, of something between them that was real and rare. Something they felt for each other that went beyond the physical thrills and the laughs.

Something good that could endure the pain and the heartbreak, that could outlast the anger and the betrayals. There was something worth saving - for both of them.

But how?

THE END

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