Barometric Pressure

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains a few words that may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 14. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm

Stories in the series:

A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination; Tidings of Comfort; Parallel Hearts; Visitation Rites; Wee Small Hours; Barometric Pressure

Thank you to Ruth, Claire, and Lisa. This story is based around "Viable Options" and "Match Made in Heaven" and has one small spoiler for "Loose Ends." I'll be posting another soon. Thank you again for all the people who e-mail their support. It's truly a wonderful blessing to know you enjoy my writing..

Barometric Pressure
by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

Carol forged ahead with her life, trying not to think about Doug's visits, working hard to forget his laugh and the glow on his face when he held their daughters. Trying to see what direction her life would take next. She spent long nights thinking about giving up her nanny in favor of daycare, about what role Doug would play in their lives, and generally trying to juggle her responsibilities carefully, if not smoothly. She was doing some juggling in her personal life as well: Luka Kovac was becoming a frequent visitor at her house. While she was confused about whether she wanted to pursue any sort of a relationship with him, she wasn't exactly discouraging his visits.

He was such a nice man. Helping here and there, giving her a laugh or a word of encouragement. The most important thing in his favor was that he wasn't pushing her; he made no demands of her. Because when Carol felt pushed or pressured, she either resisted with all her might or she ran in the opposite direction.

After a particularly tough day when she was packing up, eager to get home and take over for the nanny who couldn't quite pacify Kate, Luka intercepted her at her locker. "Carol, what are you having for dinner?"

She smiled. "Oh, I don't know. Probably make a sandwich, some soup."

"Well, what if I brought over some steaks and we could cook them outside?" he asked with an impish grin.

Carol hesitated for a moment. "Well.... "

"Listen, this day could not have been worse and I don't want to eat McDonald's one more night," he insisted.

Laughing, she relented. "Okay, but give me some time to get the girls settled at home, okay?"

"Okay," Luka agreed happily.

Carol rushed home, relieved her nanny and nursed the babies after changing them for bed. She tried to put some order into her house, but quickly abandoned that idea as the doorbell rang. Luka would have to look past the mess.

"Hi," she said, greeting him warmly.

"Hello," he grinned in return, holding up a grocery bag. "Where do we cook these?"

"Outside," she answered. "I started the grill as soon as I got home. It should be ready."

"Okay, I'll start cooking."

He went outside, and she followed, but as soon as they got themselves situated, she heard one of the babies inside. "Hang on," she told him. Predictably, it was Kate and while Carol was cooing to her and singing a lullaby, the phone rang. By the time she placed Kate into her crib and ran downstairs, she was too late. She rewound the answering machine, listened to the message, and erased it quickly.

When she came outside again, he did not immediately notice her distant gaze. They talked, but she was distracted and quiet. Once it started snowing, she took refuge in the kitchen and finished her contribution to the meal, all the while trying to keep her emotions hidden from him.

Luka came into the house with the steaks. "I hope they are okay," he said smiling. "They were seasoned with snow."

Carol smirked at his joke. "I'm sure they're fine," she answered. They sat at the kitchen table, and he offered the platter to her so she could choose her piece. She passed the salad bowl to him while he handed the sugar snap peas to her and they both filled up their plates.

"So, it's quiet upstairs now," he observed.

"For now," Carol whispered melodramatically.

Luka smiled knowingly. "It's cold out tonight, but the house is warm," he said, changing the subject.

She glanced up at him and nodded. "It is."

"The furnace is not breaking down now?"

"Nah, it's okay. I had it replaced," she answered briskly.

"Replaced? There was nothing wrong with it," he chastised her.

She shook her head, laughing. "There was everything wrong with it."

"But that is so much money, Carol."

"Yeah...that's okay," she answered, feeling guilty that she didn't disclose everything to him.

The phone rang again, saving her from further inquisition. Carol wiped her mouth hastily and answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Hey, Carol, it's me. I left a message, but I thought maybe you were upstairs and couldn't get to the phone. How are my girls?"

It took a few moments for her to answer. It was still so difficult to hear his voice on the phone. "They're sleeping. They're fine."

"How are you?"

"Okay," she replied.

Doug frowned all the way from Seattle. "You sure?"

"What's up?" she asked with a nervous hitch in her voice.

Not entirely convinced she really was all right, hearing the hesitant, halting way she was answering him, he decided to get to the point. "I'm going to Buffalo again and I'd like to stop by on my way back, on Thursday, and spend Friday with the girls."

Glancing in Luka's direction, she noted that he was trying very hard not to listen, cutting and eating each bite of steak in rapid succession. "Uh, sure. That'd be okay. Except, uh, I'm working a half day Friday to make up for the time I missed when Kate was sick."

Doug balanced the phone on his shoulder. "Well, I could watch them. In fact, that would work out. My mom...she and Howard are moving."

"Moving?"

"Yeah, to Colorado. He's retiring and there's nothing holding them in Chicago since he sold his accounting business. I want to take them over there. Have them meet their grandmother. If that's okay with you," he added.

Nodding blankly, she realized that he'd have the children away from her house, visiting their other grandmother. It never dawned on her, really, that Doug's mother would want to see them. She was ashamed that the thought had never entered her mind. "That would be okay. Sure. That would be fine."

She could almost hear him smiling. "Great. I'm landing Thursday, but late. What time should I be at the house? When will you leave for your shift?"

"Six o'clock in the morning. Sharp." After she said it, she winced. There was no reason to take that kind of tone with him.

"Okay," he replied uneasily.

"Where will you be?"

"I'll be staying at my mom's. You have the number?"

"Um hmm," she affirmed.

"Good. I...."

Through the telephone, Carol heard a knock on the door, then a woman's voice saying, "Hey, Doug, want me to come back?"

"No, come on in," he chuckled. "Hey, I gotta go. I'll see you Friday, bright and early."

"Bye," she said and hung up gently. "I'm sorry," she apologized to Luka, "I shouldn't answer the phone when company's here, that was rude of me."

"No, that's okay," Luka assured her. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine," she replied, and started picking at her food. Her mind instantly replayed Doug's laugh into the telephone, registering his warmth in response to that woman's voice. Turning her attention to Luka, she asked, "How's your steak?"

Luka frowned. "Hard."

"Just a little," she agreed.

The rest of their evening was uneventful. She refused to let him help clean up, begging exhaustion and a headache. He left, feeling confused, wondering why her mood had shifted from earlier this afternoon. Tonight, something was weighing heavily on her mind. Luka hadn't a clue what it could be.

Once he left, Carol turned out all the lights and sat in her living room, looking off into the darkness, wondering to herself if she and Doug shouldn't have some more formal visitation arrangement. The girls so clearly enjoyed his visits and he so obviously loved being their father. She thought, "Isn't this how they do it? Every other weekend and one night during the week, right?" Carol sighed. The time they were apart was difficult for her, though she'd never let on. She'd loved his brief visits and although she fought it, she could so easily grow accustomed to his presence, and to the help he provided. Even with Luka in her house, the emptiness was unbearable.

*****

She heard the spirited knock on her door at 5:45 a.m. When she opened it, he was smiling, carrying a bag of diapers.

"Do you always shop so early?" she asked, annoyed for some odd reason at his promptness.

"No, I hardly shop at all," he answered, smiling. "Are they awake?"

"Yeah, they are, they just need to get dressed. I packed their diaper bags, and their bottles are in the cooler. Doug, are you sure you want to do this?" she queried him uneasily.

"Um hmm," he answered, flying past her, dashing up the steps. She heard his hearty greeting and Tess' squealed reply. She was a bit put-off when she realized that she could not elicit the same reaction from her daughter quite as easily.

After Carol finished getting dressed, she walked upstairs and stood outside the doorway while Doug readied the babies for their day out. Kate was dressed and happy, playing in her crib, and he was diapering a squirming Tess, laughing. "I win this time, hmm?"

Carol watched quietly, her conflicting emotions simmering, threatening to boil over. It was hard seeing him breeze in and out as he pleased, hard watching him so naturally pick up where he left off with the girls. This was no way to be a father, she thought.

"I don't know how you do it, really, Carol," he said, smiling in her direction.

"Well, it's amazing what you can do when you have to," she shot back.

"Whaddya mean 'have to'?" he asked as he finished dressing the baby.

"I kinda had no choice, you know?" she responded coolly.

Doug paused before picking Tess up, holding her gently. "Sure you did," he replied evenly. "You could have chosen to let me come back when I wanted to. You could have chosen to answer one of my phone calls, just one. Called me, asked me to come home. We could have talked, worked something out. You didn't have to have them by yourself, Carol. You know I would've come back anytime." His smile was gone as he awaited her reply.

She scoffed, shaking her head. "It's not the way I wanted it, having these babies by myself."

Doug nodded, but remained quiet. He picked Kate up from her crib with his free hand, giving her a kiss and a pat. "Okay, Carol," he acquiesced and walked downstairs with the two of them. Carol tidied the room up after them, and went downstairs to see them off. Tess was strapped into her car seat, and he was in the process of getting Kate set for their trip as well.

Furious that he was proceeding as if he didn't give any credence to her words, she flung accusations in his direction. "You left me. You promised me. You promised me you'd never leave me again, you promised! And what did you do last February? What did you do?"

"I asked you to come with me," he responded as he buckled Kate into her seat. Looking at her for emphasis, he clarified, "Carol, I begged you to come with me."

Shaking her head vigorously, she disagreed. "You *expected* me to. You thought I'd be the same old Carol and do whatever you wanted. You never thought of me."

Doug stood up and retorted bitterly, "All I expected was for you to be the woman who told me she loved me. Who agreed to have a child with me. Who would support me, no matter what, even when I made a mistake."

"Mistake?" she repeated, mocking him, hands on her hips. "Is that what you call it? You killed a boy."

Doug raised his head up and his eyes were blazing and his voice was unwavering. "How do you know that? Did you ever once ask me? Did you, Carol? Or did you assume, just like Mark and Kerry and Romano and everybody else assumed?"

She was silent, staring at him as if she didn't understand.

"Did you *ever once* ask me if I was okay that night?" he repeated. "If I really did it? Did you, Carol?"

"No. No, you told me...."

Angry, he continued his verbal barrage. "You never asked. You never asked." He lowered his voice, realizing he might upset the babies.

Carol was incredulous and stood with her hand out, palms in the air. "My god, Doug! You don't get it, do you? Why did you lie to me? Why did you leave?"

Doug shook his head, feeling unable to explain himself fully. "I lied because no one supported me. I could deal with it from Romano, Weaver. But you. You of all people, never asking about me, about how I was that night, never wondering what really happened. I left because I was hurt. Because I was disgusted."

"Can you see how hurt *I* was? You promised me, Doug, over and over again, you promised me that you wouldn't leave."

Nodding his acerbic agreement, he replied, "You promised me I'd never be apart from our child. Our children. I've missed out on all that. I've missed everything." With that he grabbed his keys from the table and turned to face her. It was the first time in years that she'd seen such rage in his face. "I've done everything according to your timetable, according to what you wanted. You didn't want me to come back. You didn't want me to see you during your pregnancy. Didn't want me around when you delivered our children. All this time, it's been you dictating, you directing. It's the 'Carol Show.' I wonder who the next lucky contestant will be." He stopped, collected himself, picked up the car seats and approached the door. "I'm going to see my mother. I'll bring the babies back by one. I'm meeting Mark for lunch after I drop them off, then if it's okay, I'll stop by after their naps to see them before I go. Have a great day at work," he said sarcastically and went out into the hot, humid morning air carrying his daughters away with him.

*****

The ride on the El was long and she felt unsettled, not knowing where the girls would be at all times. It was different leaving them with her mother or with the nanny. It wasn't that she didn't trust Doug's judgment; it was just their first outing without her.

Carol busied herself that morning, cleaning up, setting things right again, restocking saline and supplies. She was deep in thought and never heard Mark enter the room, nor did she really hear his question until he repeated her name.

"Carol?"

"Yeah?" she answered, startled but smiling.

"How's he doin'?"

"Oh...." she began, reluctant to talk about it, yet needing to. "He's okay."

"We're having lunch today." Carol nodded and Mark sat on a gurney across from her. "Is he having fun seeing the girls again?"

"Yes." She smiled wistfully. "He always has fun with them."

"Good." Mark was afraid to push, but he was concerned about Doug, and about Carol, and felt that maybe she would need to talk to someone about his visit.

They were interrupted as Lily poked her head in. "Mark? Incoming MVA, two critical, one stable."

"Okay, what's the ETA?"

"Two minutes."

"Thanks, Lily." Mark turned his attention back to Carol. "You were saying?"

"He flew in again last night, came over this morning. He's watching them until I get home, taking them to his mother's." She sighed and began checking things off on her clipboard automatically. Her chin jutted out slightly and her eyes filled. "He looks...I dunno...he's changed. I can't really describe it, Mark. There's no life in him, he's just...he's happy with the girls, smiling and joking, but around me...he acts like he's afraid I'll bite his head off. Maybe it's because I am biting his head off. There's just no confidence in him, he was just so insecure."

Mark shrugged. "Well, I can kinda understand that. I mean, he probably doesn't want to upset you...step on your toes."

"I know," she concurred quietly. Carol looked back at Mark, questioning him. "You've been talking to him all along?"

Mark shook his head, trying to deny it. "Not much. Here and there."

"He knew about your mother."

"Yeah, I told him. Every now and then he would call. Mostly to ask about how you were."

Carol frowned. "What'd you tell him?"

"Oh, you know. That you were fine. Doing okay, that the girls are cute."

"He knows about Luka," she revealed with a desultory tone to her voice.

"What about Luka?"

She looked up. "That he comes over sometimes, that we're friends."

"Just friends?"

"Yes. Just friends."

"What does he think?"

Again, Lily burst through the door. "Mark?"

"Okay, coming." Mark answered. "Carol, what does he think?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "I don't know what I think, Mark," she answered defensively.

"I'm not judging you. I was just asking." Mark got up to leave.

"Sorry, I know. Luka is great, you know? He's a nice guy."

"I know," Mark replied as he walked out.

*****

The proud grandmother was waiting at the front door and opened it wide when she saw him pull up in her car. "I can't wait," she said joyfully to her husband, Howard.

Doug emerged from the driver's door, grinning, and said, "Wait'll you see 'em."

Sarah walked to the car and peeked into the window. "Oh, my God, look at them," she breathed. "Doug, they are beautiful."

Doug opened a rear door and unbuckled Kate's car seat, taking her out. He walked around the car, handing her off to his mother. "Meet Kate. She's my younger daughter," he said with a father's pride.

"Hi, Kate," Sarah said softly. "Oh, look at you." Kate's big brown eyes studied the woman's face and when her grandmother smiled at her, she broke out into a wide grin in response. Sarah was immediately smitten.

Leaning over, he opened the other door and took Tess out. "Your oldest granddaughter. This is Tess. Shh, she's asleep."

Howard, who had followed closely behind Sarah, took Tess' seat gingerly. "Would you look at that," he whispered. The baby's head was covered in tiny brown ringlets, a result of the humidity.

Doug beamed, pleased to provide this happiness for his mother. "Let's go inside before they melt. It's hot already, for April, isn't it?"

He followed them into the house and watched as his mother unbuckled Kate and held her close. "You are a treasure. A treasure. Hi, Kate. Hi. I'm your grandma," she crooned.

Doug solicited her opinion. "What are they gonna call you?"

Sarah looked back at him blankly. "I don't know. I guess I haven't thought of it. 'Nana,' I think. I like that."

"That suits you," Howard agreed. His face was close to his wife's and he was as delighted as she was about meeting Doug's children.

"What about you, Howard? You don't want them calling you 'Howard,' do you?" Doug teased.

"No. Papa. Can they call me 'Papa'?"

"Well, not yet, but eventually they will," Doug quipped. "Okay. Kate, give Nana and Papa a big kiss," Doug instructed his baby. Kate turned in response to his voice and upon hearing her name. Doug walked over and gave her a kiss under her chin, inducing a happy shriek from her. "You're getting her on a good day. She's usually a crab," he advised them.

"Oh, you are not," Sarah complained, defending her granddaughter. "Daddy is just being bad, saying that." When she looked at him with mock sternness, she noticed a subtle change in Doug's expression. "What is it?"

"You know," he marveled aloud. "That's the first time I've heard that."

Sarah shot him a playful look. "What, that you're a bad boy? I don't think so, Douglas."

"No. No. That's the first time I've heard someone refer to me as 'Daddy.'"

Sarah's heart went out to her son. "You should hear it. Often."

"Yeah," he responded quietly. With that, Tess began to stir, squirming in her seat. "Why don't we take these girls out of their seats, let you play with them?" Doug suggested.

So Tess and Kate were rapidly introduced to their other family. Doug warmed up their bottles according to Carol's schedule and watched, smiling, as his mother and stepfather began to feed their grandchildren.

Kate fussed a little, refusing the bottle at first. "She doesn't seem to want this," Howard said nervously. "You want to try, Doug?"

"Sure." Doug got up and took Kate from Howard and sat with her, talking to her persuasively. "Listen, Kate. Mommy's not here. You have to eat, and this is the only way that's gonna happen. So, stop giving Papa a hard time and chow down. Okay?" He chuckled as Kate howled louder. But he was patient and offered the nipple to her as he rubbed her back and sang a silly song to her. Eventually, she began sucking rapidly on the bottle and Doug looked down at her face with love and adoration. "This is the first time I've fed her," he told them.

"First time? Why?" Howard asked.

"Carol's nursing. This is her breast milk in the bottles," he explained.

"She's nursing twins? I'm impressed," Sarah observed.

Doug smiled up at his mother. "Yeah. Everything she's done...she's done a great job."

"How is she doing?" Sarah asked as she gave Tess a break to burp her.

Scratching his head, he answered uncomfortably. "I dunno. It's hard for her. I'm not here enough. I can't be here, she doesn't want me hanging around."

Howard, sensing that Doug might need to talk to his mother, piped up. "I'm going to start breakfast. We'll have bacon and eggs, okay?"

"Thank you, dear," his wife said appreciatively. Turning back to her son, she asked again, "How are things with her?"

Scoffing lightly, he looked troubled. "Not good. She's angry. I guess I don't blame her. She's done all this alone." Sighing, he continued, "Like they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

"Doug, what are you saying?" his mother asked.

"Like father, like son. He was never around, and here I am, seeing my children once a month."

"No. No." Sarah's voice became strong as she verbally demanded his attention. "You listen to me, Doug, you are not your father. Your father loved you in his own way, and I know you love your girls, but that's where the similarity ends. You have a successful career; you're devoted to the well-being of your daughters. You want to be involved in their lives, you want to be their father every day. He beat me, beat you. Look at you, Doug, look at you taking care of Kate. Can you look down at that child and ever for a moment think you'd raise a hand to her?"

Doug's eyes misted over as he looked down at his precious daughter. "Never."

"Can you imagine leaving them for years at a time, imagine not providing the financial resources they'll need to be successful?"

He closed his eyes.

"I know you and Carol have your problems. And I know that your relationship with her is strained. Doug, just because she doesn't want you around doesn't mean you have to listen to her. You are a gentle, compassionate, loving man. You are most certainly not your father. So stop thinking about what she wants and you do what you need to do for these girls," his mother commanded. "Now, quit letting Kate wolf that bottle down and burp her."

Doug caught his mother's eye and smiled gratefully. "Okay, Nana." He took Kate to his shoulder and nuzzled his face to hers as he rubbed her back. Kate settled into him and burped agreeably.

*****

Carol finished her half-day and took the El home. Doug arrived with the babies about 30 minutes later.

"Hey, girls," she said warmly to her babies, "did you have a good morning?" Carol kissed and snuggled them.

"I think they did," said Doug, taking the liberty of answering for them. "My mom went nuts."

Carol looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. "How is she?"

"Good. Tired of packing, I think. She wants to see them again, Carol, she might call you before she goes. If that's okay."

Carol kissed Tess again. "Sure."

Doug watched for a moment, and then turned to leave. "They had two bottles, one at nine and one at noon and I changed them before the car ride, but you might want to check Tess. I'm going out to meet Mark. Can I come back later?"

"I'm not going anywhere," she replied icily.

"You know," Doug answered, unable to hide his annoyance at her demeanor, "A simple 'okay' would have been fine. See you later."

After he left, she silently cursed herself, wondering why she was being so hateful with him.

*****

Mark assessed his patient and called Benton down for a surgical consult. Once the patient was transferred, he told Kerry he'd be back in an hour and left for lunch. Doug had suggested they meet away from the hospital, and that surprised Mark initially. But he quickly realized that Doug wanted nothing to do with County General and they decided have lunch at a small pizza place six blocks away.

They greeted each other warmly and Doug offered to buy.

"You makin' the big bucks now?" Mark teased him.

"Nah," Doug denied. "Not really."

They got slices at the counter and each man accepted a large, cold glass of Coke. Once they sat down, Mark took a bite of his pizza and gestured toward Doug's neck. "Hey, where'd you get that hickey?"

"From one of the 'other women' in my life," Doug replied, chuckling as he ran his fingers over the new bruise.

Mark smiled knowingly. "Rachel always used to suck on my chin, until one day she left a huge, red mark. That was the end of it!"

"Yeah." Doug was subdued.

"So, how's everything going at Carol's?"

"Fine. Carol's tired. The babies are great; they're a handful. But they're fine. I want to come visit whenever I can, you know.... " His voice trailed off.

"Glad to hear it." Mark looked at Doug's face; it was distant. "You're sure everything's okay, Doug?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just...having a hard time, you know."

"A hard time?" Mark looked for clarification.

"Talking." Doug looked away. "Taking no for an answer."

"Kinda like getting to know each other all over again?"

Doug shrugged. "Not really."

Mark looked up, surprised. "W-well, whaddya mean?"

"I don't know her at all anymore." He stopped and looked away, trying to find the words. "We can't forgive each other, Mark. I have this feeling that we'll never be able to forgive each other."

"Doug, have you even talked about it? Has she told you how she feels?"

"No. No. She isn't talking, she's accusing. She's distant and moody...."

Mark exhaled, feeling as if he could do nothing for his friend. "She's had a tough time of it, but she's doin' okay."

"I guess." Doug looked pointedly at Mark. "Who's this guy, Luka?"

Mark immediately looked uncomfortable. "Luka Kovac?"

"Yeah."

Taking another bite, Mark studied his pizza intently. "He's a doctor, he started working last summer a bit and now he's on staff. He's an attending, emergency medicine."

Doug digested the information. "Is she dating him?"

"I don't think so."

"You don't think so?"

"No, well, she doesn't talk to me about that stuff, but I don't think they're dating."

"He's hanging out with her? Helping her?" Doug probed.

Mark frowned and hung his head. "A little."

"He wasn't with her when she delivered, was he?"

Deciding to skimp on the details, Mark told him, "No. I was. I mean, she asked me to...you know, to help. I mean, the pregnancy was hard. She had a hard time being alone. Didn't talk about it much. The birth...I'm glad I was there, Doug, but I don't think it was the same as...you know. As if you were with her. It wasn't the same for her." The two men exchanged a glance. "Plus the recovery, I mean the way she almost bled out, it was physically hard."

"What's this?" Doug asked, alert and startled, forgetting all about Luka.

"D-didn't she tell you?"

Doug was confused. "Tell me what?"

"Shit. I'm sorry." Mark shook his head, removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Coburn wanted to do a hysterectomy. Carol's uterus didn't contract, she was bleeding out and Coburn asked for a hysterectomy tray."

Doug's face became drawn and colorless as Mark's words sank in. "How bad was it?"

"It was bad. Carol refused, Coburn argued, Carol lost consciousness and Coburn and I almost duked it out on the floor. Finally, it stopped; we were able to avoid it. She was pretty brave. She wants more kids, Doug."

Speechless for a beat, Doug was horrified that she'd gone through it by herself. "I abandoned her, Mark. When she needed me most, I abandoned her." With that, he stood up, tossed his napkin on the table, shook Mark's hand and turned away. "I should get going. Spend some time with the girls. Take it easy." With that, he walked away, disgraced at his shortcomings as a man.

*****

He didn't feel like going back to Carol's yet, not after the anger their heated discussion provoked. Not after hearing how she almost lost her life last November. It was peace and quiet that he needed and on a whim, decided to go in search of some. It was yet another familiar route, another familiar woman. But this woman was older and she was wise. Doug walked into the building and nearly ran up the stairs. He opened the door and came face-to-face with a receptionist who was packing up her belongings, obviously leaving for the day.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm looking for Mary Kowlowski. My name is Doug Ross, she'll know me."

"I'm sorry, Mary isn't working anymore."

Doug was momentarily taken aback. "Why, what's...did she retire?"

"I'm sorry, I can't give out that information."

"Please, uh, can you call her, tell her that I need to see her?"

"Give me your number and I'll call her later, see if she can talk to you."

"Please. I'm a former patient. I...please, can you call now?"

The middle-aged woman looked him over and determined he meant no harm. "Okay. Have a seat." Doug sat and waited patiently while the woman called.

"I'm sorry, Mary isn't home. Do you want me to leave a message?" the woman whispered.

"Fine, okay. Tell her to call Doug Ross. She can reach me here. Give her my cell phone number, too." After scrawling the numbers on a piece of scrap paper he thanked her and left. Doug felt frustrated, as if he were so close to some solace yet he'd never find it.

He drove around for a bit, passing by the lake and Navy Pier, watching the sky turn darker by the minute. The heat, the humidity, and the stillness of the air were the precursors to an afternoon thunderstorm, he knew. By the time he arrived back at Carol's, the house was empty and the stroller was gone. He sighed, thinking he'd never be able to talk to Carol, never be able to make things right again. The phone rang, and he hoped it was her, telling him where she was, asking him to join them.

"Hello?"

"Doug? This is Mary, how are you?"

Doug scratched his head, mildly disappointed, yet happy to hear from her. "Mary, I'm fine, what's going on, I stopped up to see you and you...you're not working anymore?"

"No. I've been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I decided I needed all my energy to battle it. I've given up the practice."

He was saddened by her news. "I'm sorry. How are you doing?"

"As can be expected. Radical mastectomy, chemo, Tamoxifen, the usual."

"Mary, I'm sorry. I hope things go okay for you. I...let me know if there's anything I can do for you."

"Thank you. So, you stopped up today, hmm? In town for a social call?" Mary asked, laughing quietly, knowing full well he had come looking for her only because he was desperate to talk.

Doug grinned into the receiver. "It pisses me off that you know me so well."

Mary crowed with delight. "I'm worth every penny, huh? Tell you what, what are you doing this afternoon? I could use some company and for someone to stop at the store and buy some Breyers vanilla ice cream on the way. Are you game?"

"I'm game," he answered affectionately. "Give me directions."

So, Doug left a note for Carol on the kitchen table telling her he'd stopped by, but he had some things to take care of and went off toward the Loop, stopping to buy a half-gallon of ice cream for Mary. He arrived at her apartment and rode the elevator to the tenth floor. Her apartment was across from the elevator and he rang the bell and waited.

When she opened the door, he hoped his face didn't register the dismay that he felt in his heart. She looked so ill, her face was so gray. Her hair, all that thick silver hair was gone, and she wore no turban or hat to cover her baldness. Just like her, he thought.

"Delivery, ma'am," he deadpanned. "But I think the ice cream is now soup. It's hot out."

"Come in and bring that ice cream, and maybe I'll consider giving you a tip," she answered.

Doug opened his arms and took her in, hugging her gently. "Hi, Mary."

"Hi, Doug."

They walked in and he handed over the bag immediately. "Why the urgent ice cream need?" he asked. "The heat and humidity getting to you?"

"Oh, I don't know, why not have some? I spent my whole life denying myself this pleasure, worried about gaining weight, and now it's so hard to keep the weight on, that I figure, 'what the hell?'"

Doug chuckled. "I like your attitude."

"Has it started raining yet?" she asked.

"Not yet," he replied. "It's gonna storm soon."

Mary lifted the bag as if it were a prize. "You want some of this? I'm making myself a dish right now."

"Sure," he agreed. He followed her into the kitchen, looking around. Her apartment was beautiful, spotless. The kitchen was well stocked, with copper-clad pots hanging from a rack above the island and she'd bought the latest in expensive appliances. "You cook a lot?"

"Yes, I entertain quite a bit. I have a dinner group that meets monthly, plus I have my sons in. Here you go," she said as she handed his dish of ice cream to him.

Doug nodded and took it, waiting for her to fill her own.

"C'mon, let's sit in the living room, it's more comfortable there."

He followed her and they sat on opposing love seats, facing each other. Doug relaxed into the chair, crossing one leg over the other, staring into his dish. "Thanks for seeing me. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer. I really didn't expect for you to ask me in...."

"Nonsense, why not? What are you doing in town? I thought you'd left for parts out west."

"I did. A few months after I left, I found out Carol was pregnant. She told me not to come back, that she didn't want me in her life anymore. She had the babies...."

She interrupted. "Babies?"

"Twin girls. Tess and Kate."

"Congratulations," Mary laughed heartily. "That's a handful."

"Thanks." He smiled in return. "They are. I hadn't seen her since last year, she didn't tell me about the pregnancy. Then when she did she didn't want me to come home. She had them alone; she's taken care of them alone all this time. Then, the first week of March, she asked me to come, to see the babies, and I've been able to come, see them a few times."

"So, how are things?"

"I don't know. It's...I love being with them, love seeing them with Carol, but there's...there's resentment, I think, on both sides. She resents me for coming back and making it seem so easy, I guess, and for leaving her alone, to deal with this alone." Doug toyed with his ice cream. "I resent her, too. I resent her keeping me away from my children."

Mary became quiet as she absorbed his words.

Doug continued softly. "The hurt...this is the greatest, most...profound hurt I've ever felt in my life and the...I don't know if I can get past it."

"Why do you feel this way? That you can't get past this?" she pressed him.

"Because now, seeing them, being with them, I know them now. I loved them before, I did. But now I know them and I love them...completely. And the last time I was here she was packing some of their old baby clothes into boxes and their baby books, you know, with pictures and stuff, they were out on the table. I opened Kate's and there it was. Her footprint from the day she was born, pictures of Carol holding her, smiling. I never got to see Carol pregnant, never got to...anticipate their birth with anything but sadness. I wasn't there the day they were born, didn't get to take them home from the hospital. Carol... I know it was hard for her, and that's...that's hard, too. She went through all of that alone. But the thing is I don't know if I can...forgive her. For excluding me. For making me miss the first three and a half months of their lives. I can't forgive that. I don't know how to." Doug looked up at her, searching for help. "How do I forgive her?"

Mary put her dish aside and became serious and determined. "You acknowledge her hurt and her pain and you become a bigger person than you'd ever imagined you could be. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means allowing *her* to move past it. Letting her know that you will always love her, that you no longer hold her accountable for your hurt and your pain. Doug, it's the greatest gift you'll ever give her. That you'll ever give your children." Mary leaned forward. "It means that you move on into your future and love her despite her mistakes."

A flash of light exploded in the window, followed shortly by a clap of thunder. "Storm's here already," he commented softly, and then he became pensive. "Mary, I'm afraid I can't do it."

Mary frowned at him. "Do you still love her?" she asked.

"Yes. Yes, I do," he answered with conviction.

"Then, if you love her, you can do anything. Go home to your children, Doug. Before it gets worse out."

He glanced out the window, then sat up and took two steps toward her. "Mary Kowlowski, you are a wonderful woman. You've...saved my life more than once." Bending down, he lightly kissed her cheek.

Mary returned his kiss. "Send me a picture of those babies."

He smiled. "I will."

The trip home was treacherous and he heard distant sirens as he made his way north. The windshield wipers were unable to keep up with sheets of rain cascading down on his car. At some points, he was traveling less than ten miles per hour, but he pressed on. He had an urgent need to see Carol and the girls, to apologize and make things right again.

The thunderstorm became fierce and hail bombarded the car. As he switched on the radio, he worked to find WMAQ and when he did, he heard the National Weather Service alert:

"The National Weather Service has issued a tornado warning for the following locations: DuPage County, Cook County...."

"Shit," he muttered. He was still blocks away from Carol's house. The hail was deafening as it hit the metal and glass, and Doug was afraid the windshield would shatter. He pulled up, finally, parking the car under the El track, protecting it and himself. He opened the door and was amazed at the wind, at the loud crashes of the thunder.

The street was dark. No electricity. He peered through the blackness, trying to see her front door, trying to see if there was any movement inside, but he couldn't. Doug made a quick decision and ran toward the house, shielding his head and face with his jacket. He made it to the front porch and turned around to see the tree branches that littered the street. The door was locked, and he fished around for his key, then let himself in.

"Carol?" he yelled into the darkness. The thunder, the hail, the roar outside was too loud and he couldn't hear a response. "Carol? You here?" he screamed and then he heard her calling to him.

"In the basement!"

He groped with his hands and made his way to the basement door, opening it quickly. The babies were screaming and he half-stumbled down stairs until he saw her flashlight in the corner. She was holding Tess and Kate and was vainly trying to soothe them.

Doug rushed to them. "You guys okay? C'mere, c'mere," he crooned to the babies and took Kate from Carol's arms, sitting next to her. "You okay?"

"We're fine," Carol assured him. "They were sleeping and I fell asleep on the couch. The warning came over the TV, then we lost power. God, I don't remember a storm like this one. Never," she said, shaking her head with disbelief. "What is it with your visits and bad weather?" she added.

"The hail is bad," he told her, wiping his face with the sleeve of his jacket. "It's wicked out there."

"I was worried about you," Carol admonished him. "I didn't know where you were. I didn't know you'd be this late."

Doug looked over at her apologetically. "I'm sorry. I left a message on the table...I needed to get out. Then, when the storm came, I came back here as fast as I could. I didn't mean to leave you alone with them."

They smiled at each other and realized that as the girls quieted down, so did the storm.

"I think it's just raining now. It must have passed," Carol observed.

Doug sighed. "Let's go upstairs, get these munchkins to bed."

"Munchkin," Carol repeated softly. "My father used to call me that."

"He did?" he asked, standing up.

"Yeah. At least I think he did." Carol struggled to get to her feet and Doug extended a hand, helping her.

They walked up the stairs, Doug following Carol, and tucked the girls back into their cribs. They tiptoed down the stairs to the living room and fell on opposite chairs, waiting for the quiet. Tess fussed for a time, but eventually they both settled down.

"Why don't you stay here tonight, Doug? It's ridiculous for you to go out in this weather."

He shook his head, refusing. "No, I'm going to stay at my mom's tonight. Visit with her and Howard again. They're moving next week, so...." Doug cleared his throat, trying to find a way to change the subject. "I need to tell you something," he began.

Carol focused on him. "What?" she asked, curious to hear what he had to say.

Looking directly into her eyes, he began speaking. "I have a lot of time to think about things, traveling like I do. I think about the past year, what happened, how our relationship fell apart. There are things I should have said before. Things I want to say now." He looked down at his hands, gathering his thoughts and his nerve. "I need to say that I'm sorry. That I should never have left you last year and that it's...I feel like it's my fault things turned out this way. I should have stayed; I should have come back after you told me you were pregnant. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't.... I'm sorry." He tried to gauge her reaction but, as usual, she was difficult to read. "The thing is," he continued, "the thing is that when I think about us, I think about what we had together. I think about how much love we had and how I was never happier than I was with you, sharing my life with you. Sharing a home with you. I still love you. And I still want to share all that with you. Carol, I want you to come with me to Seattle. We can go to counseling, we can work at it, we can...we can have it back. I know we can have it all back, better than before. Will you come with me? Give it a try?" His face was hopeful, but guarded.

Carol hid her face briefly in her hands. "Doug, I can't...."

"Hey, listen," he interrupted her. "Don't make up your mind now. Think about it. Okay?"

Sighing, she looked out the window and nodded.

"Okay," he answered. "I gotta get going before it starts storming again." He stood up and approached her, holding his hands out to her. Carol took them and he helped her up. Guiding her close to him, he spoke softly. "Mark told me today about what happened after your section. After Kate was born. You didn't tell me about it, Carol. Why?"

Flustered, unable to release her hands from his, she lowered her eyes. "I didn't think it mattered. Not at this point. I'm fine."

Shaking his head in disagreement, he waited until she looked up at him again. "It matters. I was thinking...I would have given anything to have been there, but if I was, things might have turned out differently."

Carol raised one eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Doug's expression became soft and he lifted her hands and kissed each one gently. "I would have let Coburn go ahead with it. I would have asked for the hysterectomy."

Her eyes got wide and her voice was strained with emotion. "No, I wouldn't have let them. I didn't want it. To never have the chance to have another baby, it was...I just wouldn't let her."

He nodded. "I know. But the risk...losing you would be the worst thing of all. Worse than anything else. I'd have done anything to make sure you were okay. I'd do anything for you now." Doug leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I want to be with you, Carol. I'll do anything to be with you." He smiled and squeezed her hands before letting go. Turning away from her, he walked to the door and, looking back once with a grin, left the house.

She sat back down, bewildered, unable to think clearly. What he was offering, what he wanted was everything she was afraid to give. There was no way, she thought, no way to turn back. Even if the very thought of it appealed to her innermost heart.

Carol wearily looked around at the mess. The car seats were in the middle of the living room; the diaper bag was left near the steps. She hauled herself off the sofa and began straightening up, cleaning the bottles and replenishing the diapers. As she sifted through the diaper bag, through the pacifiers, toys, and wipes, taking out their wet bibs, she came across something familiar at the very bottom. Her fingers recognized it immediately and she slowly emptied the bag, finding not one, but two boxes of animal crackers.

One for each of his daughters.

The end