Culmination

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Bros., etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words that may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm  
http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html  
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html  

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination

My heartfelt thanks to Katy, Lisa, and Claire who all helped with various stages of this story. I want especially to thank Ruth, who has been a true friend, who gives me webspace for my work, and whose insights help so very much. You are a treasure.

Culmination
by Jordan Turner
jturner36@juno.com 
AOL Instant Messenger: JTficer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are we really happy here with this lonely game we play?
Looking for words to say
Searching but not finding understanding anywhere
We're lost in a masquerade

Both afraid to say we're just too far away
From being close together from the start
We tried to talk it over, but the words got in the way
We're lost inside this lonely game we play
- George Benson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ Mark ~

It's hard to say how she really is. I mean, I was never good at figuring women out, let alone one who's as private as she is. I guess I expected her to call him before they were born, to talk it over.  Sometimes I think it might be better if I just called him, even now, told him to come see her. I can't, though. Doug, if Doug knew how lonely she was, he'd come. Or if he knew how much she loves him. But he doesn't know, because she won't let him know. And because she won't, I can't.

*****

Carol had sat in silence after she hung up, drying her eyes and her face while she cradled her baby. As she looked down at Kate sleeping quietly in her arms, she felt a rush of emotion that was at once familiar and foreign. To look at Kate, and over at Tess, it was hard to believe that any other children could have been born from more love. That's what made it so difficult. His love had surrounded her so fully, even then, that the babies seemed almost cloaked in it. 

"Hey, ready to try nursing her?" Abby asked, breezing in with a sunny smile.

Startled, Carol looked up swiftly. "Oh, yeah. I guess so. Did she...was she given a lot of formula in the nursery?"

"Oh, not too much," Abby reassured her. "She'll be ready for you."

Carol opened her hospital gown, exposing her breast, and Abby shifted the baby, positioning her properly in Carol's arms. "Okay, the most important thing to remember is to make sure she has your whole areola in her mouth. If she doesn't, she won't latch on right and you'll be really sore. You also might need to experiment with a comfortable position when the painkillers wear off, so they're not on top of your incision."

"Okay," Carol said. She drew Kate to her and Abby took hold of Carol's breast and nipple, showing her how to guide the baby's mouth to it.

"Use your hand, make sure her little nose isn't pressed against your breast, so she can breathe freely."

"Like this?" Carol asked.

"Yes, see, she's latching on."

And suddenly, Carol was overcome with such tenderness for her daughter, watching as Kate suckled, eyes closed, fist clutched against her breast, content and working hard. Acting as if she'd nursed a million times before.

Abby stayed with Carol for a few minutes, instructing her, and then
left
as abruptly as she came in. It was then, at that moment, as she was holding Kate and Tess was crying so far away from her, that Carol felt terribly alone.

If she looked ahead even to the near future, it frightened her. It was one thing to be pregnant and have the babies safely within her. She could still handle most anything then. But here she lay, tired and afraid, wondering how she ever thought she'd be able to do this on her own. Now, hours into her new life as a mother, she was overwhelmed.

Oh, yes, she had promises from everyone. Her mother, of course, would help out. Her sisters were already pledging to send old clothes and had begun handing out little-appreciated advice on nursing and diapers -- and college funds. But, Carol knew that the day-to-day responsibility was hers to bear, and that subdued her greatly.

As she was breaking into a sweat, helpless to pick up the wailing Tess from across the room, she heard a familiar voice. "Hello to the new momma! What lovely Thanksgiving gifts!" Elizabeth crowed from the doorway.

"Elizabeth! Hi, it's so good to see you!" Carol exclaimed. "Can you pick her up? I have Kate here."

"Oh, yes, yes," Elizabeth agreed as she gathered the inconsolable infant into her arms. "And what's this little one's name?"

"Her name is Tess. Thanks. I couldn't get up, I was about to call for the nurse."

Elizabeth crooned to Tess. "She's gorgeous. My, they both are," she added, smiling in Kate's direction. "How'd it go for you?"

Carol shook her head. "It was rough, but I'm glad it's over. I'm glad they're here. Mark was wonderful. And Luka -- Dr. Kovac, I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't found me on the El," Carol added.

"I'm not surprised," Elizabeth said. "They're wonderful men."

"And I ruined your Thanksgiving," Carol said apologetically.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Actually, I don't think you could have done much more to ruin it than had already been done."

"That bad?" Carol asked, making a sympathetic face.

"Oh, here and there. It turned out all right in the end."

"How's Mark's father?"

Laughing, Elizabeth said, "He's fine. I sent him out on a mission to retrieve sanitary napkins for Rachel and he slipped and split open his forehead on the return trip. It's not funny, I know, but…."

"Sanitary napkins? At ten? Was it her first period?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Oh, Elizabeth! What a day for you."

"A bigger day for Rachel, I'd guess," she answered knowingly.

"I guess." Carol looked out the window as Elizabeth looked on.

"Is she nursing well?"

Glancing down at her infant daughter, Carol nodded. "I think she's done. She knows what she's doing, that's for sure. Can we switch babies? I'll nurse Tess if you'll burp Kate," she suggested. Carol put her finger between Kate's mouth and her nipple, gently breaking the seal between baby and breast.

"I'd be delighted," Elizabeth agreed, putting Tess in Carol's arms and taking the sleepy Kate into her own.

Carol positioned Tess at her right breast and helped guide her nipple to her tiny, pink mouth. Tess latched on and nursed vigorously, making Carol wince.

"This nursing thing isn't as easy as I thought it would be," Carol sighed.

"Is it difficult?" Elizabeth asked as she gently patted the baby's back.

"Well, it's only the second time I've done it, but man, these girls are strong. It hurts more than you'd think."

"Just wait until your milk comes in. That ought to be interesting."  Kate let out a noisy burp, and Elizabeth grinned her approval. "Good thing, then. How are you otherwise?"

"I'm okay. Tired, but okay."

"And...otherwise?" Elizabeth gently pressed, a kind smile on her face.

Carol looked down. "I've been thinking of him. I was just thinking of that night...the night I think they were conceived. There was so much love, even in all that pain." She took a deep breath to calm herself.

"Have you called him?"

"Um hmm," Carol murmured.

She could almost feel her friend's hurt. "How is he?"

"He's very sad," Carol conceded. "I mean, he's happy and sad, you know?"

Elizabeth signaled her understanding. "Is he coming to see them?"

"He wants to," she answered quietly. She could not meet Elizabeth's eyes.

"Do you want him to?"

Carol just stared at Tess, stroking the soft skin of her neck.

*****

All throughout her pregnancy, the messages had not stopped, even as she refused to call him back.

"I've been thinkin' about you, uh, a lot." He laughed his quiet, shy laugh that she loved. "Well, I guess...I mean, you probably figured that out." Carol could hear his smile, then his breath as he sighed. "You must be...I guess you're kinda...the baby must be big by now. I wish I could...I wish I could see you. I hope you're okay. I'm sure you're okay. So...bye."

*****

Looking up at Elizabeth, she just shrugged, blinking back tears.

"I see." Elizabeth carefully placed Kate back in the isolette. 

"I'm kinda tired," Carol began, anxious to be alone with her thoughts.

"Then I should leave you and let you get your rest. I have to run back now anyway, to see how Mark's father is."

Smiling gratefully, Carol replied, "I hope he's okay. Thanks so much for stopping by. Tell Mark good night."

"It was my pleasure. Try to get some rest."

"Not very likely," Carol mused. "Thanks, Elizabeth."

"Good night." Elizabeth kissed Carol's cheek and walked out as a nurse was walking in.

"Hi, I'm Sarah. I know you want them to room in, but your doctor said I should come to take them down to the nursery, give you a rest for a while."

"Okay. I think she's done nursing, she's asleep. Will you wake me up when they need me?" Carol asked as she handed Tess to the nurse.

"If you want us to, we will. Or, we can supplement them, if you like." Sarah briskly wrapped Tess snugly in the baby blanket and placed her in the isolette.

"No, don't, just bring them in when they need to nurse. Bye, girls," Carol said weakly.

"Get some rest," Sarah said cheerfully as she wheeled the girls toward the nursery.

Carol looked after them wondering how she could bear to be away from them, even for an hour. 

*****
~ Kerry ~

I never quite know where I stand with her. Does she see me as her boss? As another woman who supports her? Or, does she see me as the reason he left? I know I'm not, I know that I was right, that I acted in the best interests of the hospital. Management supported me. But I wish I knew how she saw me. Not that it really matters. 

Carol is the finest nurse I have ever worked with. She is smart and confident in her work, and she is an asset to the department. I never have a concern about her professionally. Personally? I have grave concerns. I know what it's like to hold things inside of you. Like she is now. There's a difference in her, and it's almost imperceptible, but there's a difference. Once I found out they were together, I watched them. Him. He -- you know, I can't believe I'm saying this about him, because I...I guess I never really understood him, but -- he delighted in her. That's the only way to describe it. I've known him a long time and I think the only time I've ever seen him truly happy was when he was with her. And she positively glowed with excitement and happiness and...contentment. I don't see that now. With him gone. And now, those precious little girls.... I don't know what to think.

*****

There was little rest that night. Between the pain, and trying to sleep in between nursings, between changing pads and applying ice packs to different raw parts of her body, she couldn't rest. The snow had turned to rain and the weather had turned nasty outside. Inside, in her hospital room, it was warm and cozy and safe, but she knew that once she stepped outside, things would turn harsh.

Her entire world had been harsh since he left, though she valiantly put on a brave front while she struggled inwardly. Each battle that had waged inside of her had been fiercer than the next. In the end, she surrendered to it only from exhaustion. 

She chose to bear it silently. Discussion and speculation had ceased to be an option. There was no energy left to do anything but look forward. And so, having acquiesced to her fate, that's just what she did, publicly. She did her work and prepared for the babies and inwardly thanked her friends for their support.

Then she waited for her heart to heal itself even while acknowledging that because she had forsaken him, her heart would always remain troubled. Those around her saw it, but in deference to her, kept their doubts and their opinions to themselves. She was emotionally fragile, they all suspected, yet no one was brave enough to find out for certain.

*****
~ Haleh ~

Oh, we'd seen it coming for years. She was such a young, sweet thing when she first came here. Smart, too. The docs always wanted Carol in a trauma with them because she knew almost as much as they did. She'd correct them when they were wrong, once she got the confidence. But anyway, we'd all seen it between the two of them. He showed up one day and she was just dazzled by him. I always thought it was that kind of good girl/bad boy thing, you know, that she was attracted to him most because he was so bad. And she had to have the bad boy. Well, here she is, her bad boy is gone and she's left with those two girls, alone.  Sometimes you just wonder about folks.

*****

As Carol idly watched her IV flow rate and relived the events of the day, she knew with increasing certainty that her world had changed forever. It was tough enough when he left. Now, in the fall with winter looming, things were harder. It had been harder for her to sleep, harder for her to move around. Harder for her to recall his face and the warmth of his arms. Her dreams of him had long ago ceased, and her fantasies had faded. Now, it would be no easier.

Carol sighed. Everything had been easier in the spring. It had been easier to be brave, to be steadfast. To justify her stubbornness.  Even the most difficult thing of all, talking to her mother, had been easier then.

Oh, God, her mother. She'd be coming tomorrow and she'd have that look in her eyes, that disapproving look. She had delayed telling Helen as long as possible. In fact, had it not been for the light on her answering machine, Carol might not have told her for weeks longer. But one evening in May, when Carol had invited her over for dinner, Helen had seen the flashing light of Carol's answering machine. "You have a message," she'd noted.

"Could you hit the button, Ma?" Carol asked from the kitchen.

His voice filled the room. 

"Hey, hi. It's Doug. I hope things are okay with you. I know, um, I know we're not...that, um...I know you asked me not to call, Carol. I just...I hope you're okay. I, uh, like I said, I wanted to see how you were. If you needed, you know, anything from me. But, uh, I guess you're not home. Uh...I'll try -- I'll call back another time. I.... Take care."

Helen turned to see Carol's ashen face.

"Asked him not to call. What is going on? Where's Doug?"

Taking a deep breath, Carol said, "Ma, let's sit a minute." She sat on the couch, patting the spot next to her, waiting for her mother to get settled.

Helen frowned. "Carol, what's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you about something. But first, I want you to promise to hear me out, to let me tell you everything."

"What is it, Carol? Is it about Doug?"

"Yes. It's about me and Doug and more."

"All right. I'll listen."

Carol took a deep breath. "Mama, Doug's gone. He's left, he's moved out and he's living in Seattle."

"Seattle? Where, Seattle?"

"Seattle, Washington."

"Why? What has happened?"

"Something happened at work, something big. Something...bad. He got in a lot of trouble and then quit before they could fire him. I wanted him to stay...find another job, but he said...he said he couldn't stay here in Chicago." Her hand pushed her hair from her face and she boldly continued on with measured words. "He asked me to come with him, to move and go with him, but I decided not to. I...I'm very angry with him for what he did, and I didn't want to leave work or...my family or my friends. Doug went out to Seattle, he interviewed and they made him an offer. He moved out weeks ago. I didn't know how to tell you...I'm sorry it's taken so long." She turned to face her mother.

"Carol, I don't know what to say to you," Helen began, shaking her head in dismay and disbelief.

"Well, wait. There's more. Last fall, we decided that we wanted to have a baby. Doug and I."

Helen glared at her daughter. "Tell me this is not true."

Carol put up her hand. "Please, wait. Let me finish. Things were wonderful between us and I thought I'd gotten pregnant accidentally. I wasn't, but we talked it out and decided that we wanted to have a baby together. We've been trying since October. Well, I sort of expected it to happen quickly, but it didn't, right away. But now...Mama, I found out that I'm...pregnant."

"He left you and you're pregnant?" Helen exclaimed.

"No, Ma, not really. He didn't know when he left. He doesn't know. I haven't told him yet."

Stunned by her news, Helen simply stared.

Carol shook her head. "I know this is a lot to take in all at once, and I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner. I just...I'm trying to understand it all myself."

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm going to have the baby and life goes on."

Helen looked puzzled. "When will you tell him? What if... Carol, he will come back to you then."

"No, Ma. I don't want him to come back."

*****
~ Helen ~

You have a child, and when she grows up, you sometimes can't accept who she is. You can't. Carol is most like my late husband. He was moody, like she is, a romantic. I know she was happy with Doug, but now look at what she's done.

I tell you, I am surprised about this, that he would hurt her, but I can't say that to her. What was she thinking, getting pregnant before she's married to him? But I can't say this. Everything I say to her is wrong, she thinks. So, I try to help and I stay quiet. She won't tell me, she won't tell her sisters, but I think there is more to this. There is something more. I saw the way he loved her. She has done something, too, that he would stay away.

*****

During her pregnancy, Carol began to look forward to Doug's calls as much as she dreaded them. She played them over and over again, just to hear the cadence of his voice.

"Hey, it's me. I just wanted to say hi, see how you were. You'll never guess where I am. I've been traveling a lot lately and I'm in...Hawaii right now. It's some...it's a company trip, of all things. I've never been here, you know, it's...it's nice. I don't think you've ever been here...I don't think so. At least it's not raining, like at...home."  He paused a moment and she waited, too, wanting more of him. What was it she heard between his words? "I'm heading out, heading home today, but I wanted to call you before I left." Another pause. "This morning there was the most...I just saw the most incredible sunrise. I miss you. Bye."

*****
~ Luka ~

I don't know, really, so much about her. She is a nice woman, and she is a great nurse. I am impressed by the nurses, they are really quite good. Anyway, I don't know what to think. Uh, I don't ask too many questions and she does not tell too much to me. I thought maybe I made a mistake with her at first; she is a private person. What I mean is, I should not have asked to touch her stomach when I first met her. Her, uh, the way she acted, I think maybe I was rude. Now, she's upstairs in maternity and she's obviously alone. There is no man. I don't know what would make a man leave her, what would make a man be away from his children? I do not ask, but I think the man who is the father has left.  But I am not sure, so maybe I should not say.

*****

After she nursed them and got help tucking them back in for a blissful sleep, Carol dozed fitfully, as she replayed her conversation with him in her mind. She had dialed from memory, which was a bit surprising since she'd spoken to him only one other time. Of course, she knew the truth: It was because she'd called him scores of times and then hung up, too afraid to talk. He won't be home, she had reasoned, he'll be away, he'll have made Thanksgiving plans, maybe he's working....

"Hello?"

She took a deep breath. "Doug? Hi, it's me."

"Carol." He sat still, stunned. "Hey. Hey, how are you?"

"Okay, under the circumstances." Oh, this was so hard. She tried to sound cheerful. "I...have some news." 

"News?" His heart began beating wildly. "Did you...you had the baby already?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I did. Um, I had the...the babies. You have...I had two little girls today."

"Two little girls?" he repeated. "Two girls. You were...was this a surprise? Or...." The realization ripped his heart, and he felt as if he were momentarily suffocated. "You...you knew you were expecting...twins?"

Carol closed her eyes. Dear God, what had she done, not telling him? "Uh, yeah, I knew a...while...ago."

"Two girls?"

"Yeah," she said quietly.

"Twins." Doug drew a ragged breath. "Carol, that's...that's great. That's great. How are you? How are they?"

"I'm okay, and they're perfectly healthy."

Doug strained to hear what was in the background. "Is that one of them...do I hear one of them?"

"Yeah, that's Kate. She's probably getting hungry. I'm going to nurse her soon."

"You're going to nurse. That's terrific." Tears of happiness, and of despair, threatened him. "Kate. Kate, that's...that's a very pretty name. What's the other one's name?"

Carol's voice cracked. "I named her Tess."

"Tess," he whispered. "Oh, Carol. Tess and Kate."

"Yeah. Doug, they're beautiful."

"I have no doubt. How are you, how was your labor? The delivery?"

"Aw, Doug. It was awful. I had Tess this afternoon, she just came so fast, and then Kate...I, there was a prolapsed cord and they had to do a section. But I'm okay now."

"A vaginal delivery and a section? Oh, Carol. I'm...I wish I...I'm sorry, are you in pain?"

"No, they're pumping me full of drugs."

"Good. Good," he nodded.

Carol put her shaking hand over her face, striving to make it through the call. "Okay. I can't stay on long, I just wanted to let you know."

"Carol, don't go yet," he said softly. "Tell me about them. Tell me more."

She closed her eyes briefly. "Doug, they're beautiful. They're perfect."

He smiled into the phone, willing himself to sound cheerful for her. "They must look like you, then. What else?"

"There's not much to tell. Um, Tess was, what did they tell me? Six pounds, 4 ounces, uh, 19 inches long. Kate, she had a rough start, um, she was really blue but she pinked up and she's doing great. She was 6 pounds, 1 ounce, 18 inches long. She's a little stockier. They both have hair, it's so...."

"Soft, isn't it?" he added wistfully. "They sound great. Just great.  It sounds like you did great." His heart was aching. "You? How are you, everything go okay?"

Carol hesitated. "It was fine. Mark was there; he took great care of me."

"Mark? Mark was there with you? That's good, that's so...good."

"Well, for Kate's delivery. Tess, she came so fast, he was having Thanksgiving dinner, he missed it. I delivered in the E.R., of all places."

"So, who delivered Tess?"

"Kerry."

"Good, I'm glad, she...she would have taken good care of you. Tess and Kate." He swallowed hard. "They're beautiful names, Carol. And did Dr. McLucas get there for Kate?"

Carol was amazed. He'd remembered her OB-GYN's name. "No, actually, she didn't. Janet Coburn did."

"And you're still alive to tell about it?" Doug joked gently.

"Yeah," Carol answered carefully. "Yeah."

Doug closed his eyes and gently cradled the phone, basking in the sound of her voice. "Carol...you -- I'm glad you called. It's so...great to talk to you."

"You, too."

Silence fell all around them, and he once again heard Kate squeal.  "Carol, I hear her. I hear her," Doug whispered. He took a deep breath, summoning up all his courage. "Um, I don't want to...I don't want to push you, uh, I just...call me...or I'll call you, see how they are, how you're doing. I'd like to see them, sometime, uh, soon. See you," he added quietly.

Carol closed her eyes and stroked the squirming Kate, kissing her hair. "I'll call you, okay? I gotta go, I'm groggy."

"Okay. Could you...send me a picture, when you can?"

She heard his impending tears and the emotion in his voice, and she rushed to hang up. "Uh huh. Bye."

"Carol, wait. Please. Would you give them a kiss from me, please? Tell them that I love them? Please? Will you tell them that I love them?" he implored softly.

Carol began shaking, trying to rock the baby so her silent weeping wouldn't wake her. "Mm hmm."

"Bye, sweetheart. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. I...." And then he hung up first, before the rest of the words came out. 

But not before she heard him cry.

*****

It took hours for him to digest the news. And then, he worked hard so that he wouldn't imagine it all, because the more he imagined, the more painful it had become. 

And then, in the midst of all his sadness, there was his consummate happiness. Two little girls. 

He turned to the phone, wanting to call her back, wanting to beg her forgiveness, ask if he could come that night to see them, but he heard the pain in her own voice, and he knew he could not. Feeling as if he were about to burst, needing to share his joy and anguish, he picked up the phone and dialed Beth.

It rang four times and he was just about to hang up when she answered.

"Hello?"

"Beth, hi, it's Doug. I'm sorry if I woke you. Can you talk?"

"Uh...not really."

Doug frowned, confused at her refusal. Then he heard a voice in the background. A man's voice. Alan Biske.

"Everything okay?" the voice asked.

"It's Doug," she whispered in return.

"Beth, I'm sorry. I...I didn't mean to interrupt." Doug glanced at the clock. It was late -- 11:45 p.m. "It's not important. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Doug? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Have a good night." He hung up abruptly.

*****
~ Beth ~

I wish I had known her. It might help me to help him. To understand him. He lets bits and pieces of her escape, but mostly he keeps her inside. Before Alan, I had such hopes. Hopes that Doug would, that he could, love me one day. But when we were in Hawaii, I saw the reality.

He will never move on as long as he has even a glimmer of hope in his heart.

That night in Hawaii, when he kissed me, now that was telling. He held me so gingerly, as if he didn't know what to do with me. As if I felt, I don't know, I guess I'm projecting here, but like it felt all wrong.  For me, well, at first I thought -- I had hoped that it was going to be a lover's kiss. You know that first, kind of gentle kiss before things turn passionate. But, for him it wasn't that way, it was different.  He probably didn't even realize it, but for him, I think it was some sort of test. To see if he could soothe his hurt by ignoring his love for her, his devotion to her. To see if he could find some sort of comfort, or an end to his loneliness. The fantasy was alive, for me, up until the time I opened my eyes. Once I saw him, I knew. On his face, I saw the defeat. She'd won. He lost. I lost. 

*****

The knock on his door was insistent. He groaned and stretched and realized he was in the living room, having dozed off in the chair. He strained to see the dim light of the digital clock. It was almost 2 a.m. Doug pulled himself out of the chair and walked to the door and opened it.

"Hi," she said quietly.

Doug was shocked to see her there. "Beth. Hi, what are you doing here?"

"I figured we needed to talk. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Come on in." He held the door open wide for her. "Is something wrong?"

"I thought I'd ask you that."

"You didn't have to come here, you could have called. I'm fine, the last thing I wanted to do was ruin your evening, make Alan leave."

"He hasn't left," she admitted. "He's at my place, sleeping."

"Oh." Doug ducked his head. "Oh, well, you shouldn't have left him to come here."

"He'll be okay. I left him a note. If he wakes up, he'll find it."

"You didn't have to come here," Doug repeated.

"Sure I did," she said, taking his hand and squeezing it gently before releasing it.

Doug was heartened by her presence. "You want something to drink?" he asked.

Beth eyed his glass on the end table next to the chair. She looked at him, yet his eyes were clear, though tired. "What are you drinking?"

Doug grinned. "Ginger ale."

"What, nothing exciting in it?"

"No," he said quietly. "Nothing exciting."

"I'm glad to hear that. I was worried about that. But I don't want a drink. Why'd you call?"

Doug sighed and motioned for her to sit on the sofa as he sat back in the chair, rubbing his eyes. "Carol called tonight...I guess, last night. Thursday night. She gave birth to twin girls. Baby girls. They're named Tess and Kate."

Beth was taken aback. "Doug...did you know this, that she was expecting twins?"

"No."

"Did she?"

"Yes. She knew."

"That's right, you wouldn't know, you haven't called her," she reminded herself.

"Well, that's not exactly true...." he hedged.

Beth just looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I...I didn't want to tell you because...I just...I have called her, I've left some messages for her. One when I was in Chicago this summer. One from Hawaii. One last week. I just...I didn't want her to think that I didn't care. I wanted her to know that I cared. But, I knew that she really didn't want to talk to me, she never called back. I don't blame her. You should have heard her on the phone tonight." He closed his eyes, confining the tears. "She was...she sounded so frightened and alone and so...so brave. She...Beth, she's a beautiful, wonderful woman, and she gave birth to our daughters today and I wasn't there. I wasn't there."

"Oh, my...." She covered her mouth briefly. "Oh. Doug, I...I don't know what to say to you."

He waved her off. "That's okay. I didn't know what to say either, to her. I think I sounded like an idiot on the phone with her."
 
Beth huffed, upset at herself. "No. I'm being the idiot. Doug, congratulations. You're a father."

"You forget," he said softly, correcting her. "I already was a father. And now, I'm going to be the same kind of father to my two little girls as I've been to my 14-year-old son. The kind of father my father was."

"Why? Why settle for that? I mean, go there, just go there, see them and see her," she insisted.

Doug leaned forward, his elbows at his knees, his face hidden within his hands. "I can't. She's made it clear that she doesn't want me in her life. I've hurt her so badly, I...betrayed her trust, and now she doesn't want to even talk to me. It took a lot, I know, for her to call me tonight. I could tell. It was hard for her. Maybe she thinks the babies deserve better. And maybe they do."

"You don't really believe that, Doug."

"I'd fly there tonight if I could. If I thought it wouldn't hurt her to see me." He looked down and remained quiet for a few moments. Then he looked back at her and she saw the excruciating pain in his eyes. "I love them, Beth. Without even seeing them. I love them. And I love her."

*****

The babies were brought in and Carol nursed them again as the sun fought to rise and the city awoke from its wet, chilly night. She was tired and her body ached, as much from the uncomfortable bed as from the incision in her abdomen and the stitches that were placed to repair the small tears on her perineum. It all hurt.

Everything hurt. 

Looking at their faces in the dim morning light, she saw him. His fine features, the deep color of his eyes. The curve of his lower lip.  Within her daughters' faces, she could see him. The pain in her body became less evident as she held them, because they were his children.  At least that part of her dream had come true. For that, she was so grateful. But then, there was the pain in her heart. That, she knew, would remain.

The tough thing was, she knew that he would have come. His last message to her, just three days before Thanksgiving, gave her all the permission she needed to call him, even though she refused to do so.

"Hi. It's me, Doug. I'm sorry if I'm...I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be staying home for a while. I mean, I'm not on the road now for a while, I can take some time off...if you...I'll be here. I hope you're feeling okay." 

Then, finally, a whisper. 

"I miss you. I love you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts of leaving disappear
Every time I see your eyes
No matter how hard I try
To understand the reasons that we carry on this way
We're lost in a masquerade.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end