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Summary: Doug sinks to his lowest and makes life-changing decisions.
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The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of
Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no
money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some
readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be
archived or distributed without the permission of the author.
Covenant
Free Falling
Vivisection
In the Steam
Through the Night
Cornerstone
The Caretaker
To CH
Tenderhearted
Intoxicated
The Present
Summit
This takes place around the time of "Last Call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do me wrong, do me right,
Tell me lies but hold me tight,
Save your good-byes for the morning light,
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
Say goodbye and say hello,
Sure enough good to see you, but it's time to go,
Don't say yes but please don't say no,
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
-- James Taylor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free Falling
by Jordan
jturner@juno.com
He'd had a harrowing day. A young girl, seven, had come in with internal bleeding and old
fractures, the kind that suggested only one thing. This infuriated him more than anything
in the world. With Lydia's help, he calmly managed to separate her from her parents, take
her up to PICU, then stalled the parents until the authorities came. Cases like this
rubbed him raw, dredging up the pain his body had endured when he was young, and after
such a day, he would mindlessly pursue mindless pursuits.
Getting drunk and finding a woman had never been difficult for him. Never. They were out
there waiting for him. He'd go home, shower, listen to the answering machine and then make
a decision: Go with a known commodity, or seek out someone new? Choose a shirt, grab his
wallet, some condoms, and out he'd go. There were one or two bars that were more reliable,
that catered to a younger, looser crowd. He'd pull up to one of them and walk in, feeling
confident. Sit down, order whiskey, or something with tequila, and wait. No energy was
ever expended, because within minutes, he'd have company. Women would saunter over,
reaching for an ashtray or napkin and smile. He'd smile back and that was it.
If he really thought about it, it was so easy it was amusing. Though it had never been
amusing to Carol. Back then, when they were dating, they would walk into a bar and, she
told him later, she felt as if she were surrounded by enemies, replacements waiting for
her to leave. She'd get up to get a drink or use the ladies' room and come back to find
her seat taken by another woman. What was hurtful, she said, was watching him as she
walked back, before he knew she was there. Seeing him smile, touch an arm, take a number.
This pattern had never ended, he never stopped looking for companionship, spending time
with whomever, and leaving before things got bothersome.
*****
Doug opened the door and walked into his dark apartment. He was tired and briefly
considered just eating and going to bed. But something within him was urging him to go
out, to be in the company of someone who would help him forget what he'd seen that day.
The scars on that little girl's body. He walked into his bedroom, changed his shirt and
looked in the mirror. He was ready to go. As he drove, he made a quick decision to go back
to the neighborhood bar. It was a busy place and he'd seen this one woman there last week
who'd seemed interested. She'd said her usual night was Friday .
Parking, he made his way through the door. There was one seat at the bar and he occupied
it. He ordered a drink and looked around. Sitting across the bar, he saw her smiling at
him. He smiled back and told the bartender, "Please send the lady another of whatever
she's having. On me." The bartender poured another glass of wine and brought it to
the woman. She raised her glass to Doug and he smiled and waited. Within minutes, she made
her way to him. Doug let his eyes drift down her body and back to her face. She was
stunning.
"Hi -- so we meet again. Doug, right?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, is it Lauren?"
"Yes, it is. Thanks for the drink."
Doug smiled warmly. "It's my pleasure. So, Lauren, you really do come here most
Fridays?"
"Yes, with my friends. But tonight, they're otherwise occupied." Lauren nodded
toward two couples in the corner.
"Oh, they left you alone?"
"Well, I'm not alone now, am I?" she asked, shifting her body closer to him.
Doug's voice became quieter. "Are your friends expecting you to stay here with
them?"
Lauren touched his hand and smiled. "They never know what to expect from me."
Doug raised his eyebrows and smiled. Then he raised his glass.
*****
His eyes were closed and all he could feel was Lauren underneath him, urging him to move
faster as her nails scratched at his back, her legs pulled at him, drawing him in further.
Brown hair stuck to his neck, to her face; they were both so sweaty. Her breasts were
heaving against his chest, and he bent down, holding one in his hand, and sucked on her
nipple, rolled it in his mouth a bit, then pinched it gently between his thumb and
fingers. He knew she was close. He opened his eyes to watch.
She slowed down and began to moan something about how wonderful he felt, and finally she
was there, the tell-tale clutching, squeezing, change in breathing, clawing at him,
arching her back, pushing him away from her nipple. Looking down at her face, he saw such
pleasure there. Funny, he thought briefly, that I don't really care.
Now it was his turn. He withdrew from her and gently rolled her over on her stomach so he
could have her from behind. She was beautiful from behind. He parted her thighs and
entered her again, renewing his vigorous thrusting, becoming sweatier still, working hard,
reaching out to relieve the tension, to feel the release, and then he did, guttural sounds
escaping his throat, pounding into her, eyes closed, making it last as long as possible.
She turned around, opened her eyes and smiled at him, telling him that no one had ever
made her feel like that before, and he smiled back saying he was glad she had fun.
She crept into his arms, pulling them around her. "That was phenomenal."
Doug chuckled, "For me, too." His mind, his thoughts, however, were miles away.
He began silently plotting his exit.
"Do you want to stay?" she offered.
"Well, I would love to, but I'm on tomorrow at six o'clock. I'd have to leave so
early, I'd wake you. Maybe some other time."
"Oh, that's too bad. Well, at least take my number, let's get together again."
Easy, simple, effortless. He liked it that way. And so, another night with another woman
had ended. And he was empty inside.
*****
As he started his car, after having left Lauren, he thought about Carol. It struck him
that for some reason, making love with Carol was better than sex with anyone else. If
pressed, he couldn't really say why he spent so much time thinking about her now. Things
were long since over between them. Just the same, it was too easy to remember things. And
he had spent many nights remembering things. Her mouth, wet, searching, so tender yet so
exciting. Her arms. The fire that smoldered within her. How she looked, felt, when they
made love. How she sought to please him. Leading him to the most extraordinary places. The
thing was, he thought about these things whether he was alone or not. Thinking about
Carol when he was with another woman was an old habit of his. Linda Farrell had called him
on it first. One night they were making love and she stopped him in the middle of it.
"Where are you?" she demanded.
"Hmm?"
"I said, where are you? Certainly not here."
Funny thing about Linda. She was brash, confident, as carefree as he was with their
relationship. And smart; she always knew. She knew everything, plain as day.
*****
Making his way home from Lauren's, mulling over the state of his life, Doug became
introspective. Sighing, he pulled into a parking space and walked to his building, to his
apartment. He entered the bedroom, stripped down to his boxers and flopped on the bed. She
had invaded his mind again. Doug had his opportunity but he'd squandered it. It had taken
him a while, but he'd finally decided long ago that even though he would probably never
stop loving her, it was time for him to move on. He came to the realization that she would
never be his.
Tonight, alone in his bed, Lauren was long forgotten. But not Carol.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go away then, damn you,
Go on and do as you please,
You ain't gonna see me gettin' down on my knees.
I'm undecided, and your heart's been divided,
You've been turning my world upside down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A week or so after Lauren had come and gone, he decided to try a different place, look for
someone else to be with. And so it was during one hard evening of drinking at Roarke's Bar
that he met a woman who seemed like fun. She was persistent and a little bit wild and he
was intrigued. Finally, there they were, at his place.
"What, you want more?" he asked, laughing. She was nipping his shoulder, hanging
on his arm in the kitchen, watching the blender go round and round. Walking back to the
living room, back to the couch, he eyed her again. The pale skin was soft and smooth, her
body slim and lovely. They'd already had sex in the kitchen, with her leaning against the
counter, then in the living room, on the floor. This time would be different, he thought.
He'd leave her with some fond memories. He took her hand and led her to his bed for more.
He took his time with her, slowly building her desire. The brown nipples were responsive
and wrinkled immediately, forming two lovely peaks that called out to him. He rubbed his
lower lip back and forth on them.
"C'mon, lover, suck them," she sighed.
One and then the other slowly disappeared between his lips, his tongue slashing over them.
When she cautiously guided him between her legs, he closed his eyes and retreated once
again to his memories. Memories that consumed him. He knew this stranger would not be able
to take care of his needs, his hunger. Fill the emptiness.
When he finally opened his eyes, when the image of Carol faded, he saw just another girl
underneath him. Just another faceless girl.
*****
The next day was one long nightmare. Nadine's death was catastrophic for him, for the
staff, and for her family. If he'd only known she was an epileptic, if he'd known she
couldn't drink, he could have changed things. As a doctor, he would never have let her
drink. Never. He tried at first to rationalize the situation to himself, thinking if he'd
only let her drive home alone he wouldn't have been involved. But he thought, too,
that had she been driving and had an seizure on the streets of Chicago, she could have
killed innocent people.
Doug tried in vain to center himself, to escape the nightmare of the past twelve hours,
but he could not. For the first time in a long time, he felt everything spinning out of
control and he was powerless to stop it. Any credibility he'd had left in the hospital was
gone. Doug walked in one last time to see Nadine's body. Shamefully, the realization
came over him that he cared more about her in death than he had in life.
Venturing home after work that day, he tried feebly to reach out to Carol. More than
anything, he had wanted to talk, but she would have none of him. It's when he felt the
worst, really, having to hear those words from her: That he had sunk so low, that she
would not condone what he had done, she refused to soothe him. That she was no longer
going to be there for him, support him, help him. Carol was the one woman whose respect he
wanted. The one woman who ultimately made him accountable for himself and his actions.
Sitting alone in the dark in his apartment, Doug examined his life. Weekdays, weekends,
holidays, he was alone. No family to surround himself with, no one to come home to, no one
to make him feel wanted and loved. It was a solitary existence. Night after night, he had
gone out seeking her, trying to find someone, so he wouldn't be alone. Another night would
come and go: Always finding someone, but always alone.
The utter isolation. That's what ate at him the most. He'd come close to thinking he'd
quit, leave County, start someplace else. But, who would have me right now? he asked
himself. No one. Not the way I am now.
That night, at his apartment, after he'd cleaned up, after he poured the booze down the
drain, cleared his phone messages, after he found her things, he laid in bed. He could
either face himself, take stock of his life, and change or be consumed by the meaningless
existence he'd created for himself.
Then, there was the matter of Carol. He wanted more than anything to salvage what was left
of their friendship. She understood him, calmed him, better than anyone else. For years,
he thought, she gave and gave to him while he willingly took. Now he wanted to see how it
felt to give something back to her, to help her, support her, to be a friend. And he
was willing to work hard, to do anything necessary to prove that he was worthy of her
friendship, if nothing else.
It was time, he thought. Time to take action. Time to save his dying soul.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do me wrong, do me right, right now baby,
Go on and tell me lies but hold me tight.
Save your good-byes for the morning light
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
No, no, I don't want to be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The end
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