The Harbor, Part II

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html
http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
and at:
http://www.jsentertainment.com/gilbert/terffa/

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Expectations; Joint Venture

This story is a continuation of The Harbor, Part I. Again, sincere thanks to Elizabeth, Claire, Ruth and Katy, who waded through about 15 rewrites of parts I & II.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Harbor, Part II
by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

The next day she awoke to the sound of noisy sandpipers. She opened her eyes to see the sunlight peeking through the curtains and Doug on the pillow next to hers, smiling cautiously.

"Sleep okay?" he asked.

"Mmm hmm. You?"

"Yeah." He stroked her face with the back of his hand. "Hey, Carol...last night, I just...I wasn't myself, I'm...sorry if I...."

"Doug, it's fine. Don't worry," she said, seeking to reassure him. "I know you're stressed. Forget it."

He smiled and pulled her close, kissing her forehead.

They showered together in the big redwood shower on the first floor, and he commented that his retirement home would have to have one just like it. Carol teased that perhaps he'd be retiring sooner than he thought, at which he playfully adjusted the shower, making the cold water spray her body until she begged for mercy.

He walked a few blocks to get a newspaper and upon his return, they drank coffee on the porch. "You wanna go look at those antique stores today?" he suggested.

"Yeah. What if we find something we really love, though?"

"We can't afford it, we have to finish the house, the upstairs," he reminded her.

"Okay. Window shopping." Carol sighed. "One day, I want some nice furniture."

"We will. House first."

The whole day was golden. They went poking around small shops in the area and, after a satisfying lunch, went home to take a long walk on the beach. She was pleased to see that his mood had lifted from the night before, and he seemed to be enjoying himself once again. Doug defied common sense by swimming in the lake, then ran up the beach where Carol was relaxing and stood over her, letting the cold water drip from his body to hers, making her shriek.

"God, get away from me! I hate you!" she yelled, and he laughed the laugh she'd grown to love.

He did his best to put on an apologetic face. "Sorry, you looked a little...hot, lying there. What do you want to do for dinner, Carol?"  he asked, wrapping himself in a towel and sitting next to her while the sun warmed his body.

"I'm stuffed from lunch."

"Yeah. Me too. We'll just pick at what we have."

He went upstairs to change and when he came back to the porch, Carol had cut up the rest of the fruit and cheese, and arranged them on a plate with crackers, next to the bottle of wine.

"This looks good," Doug approved, and they leisurely had their fill.

Just as they would at home, they eschewed chairs and sat on the steps of the porch, he just one above her. Here, though, instead of a brick building, their view was of the sun setting over Lake Michigan.

Doug massaged her neck, and Carol closed her eyes and enjoyed the closeness.

"Anspaugh's office called, left a message," he quietly shared with her.

"When?"

"I called home last night, when you were in the ladies' room at the restaurant. It was on the answering machine."

"Oh?" Oh, she thought. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want, you know...." Doug looked away. "He wants to see me Thursday."

"Are you afraid of what you might hear?"

"Ah, we'll see," he answered, evading her question.

Carol took a deep breath. "You've been thinking about the detox since we got here."

"I guess."

"On the beach yesterday?" she asked. "In bed last night?"

"Among other things." His hands moved to her shoulders, and she noticed his strokes became more deliberate. He was troubled.

"So," he began slowly, "last night, you said you're not afraid of anything anymore, huh?"

"Nope."

"So you're safe with me," he said slowly, his tone making it difficult for her to ascertain his meaning. Something was brewing. He took her by surprise.

"Why shouldn't I be? Don't you feel safe?" she asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." He sounded unconvinced.

In the gentlest of voices, she asked, "Are you afraid of something?"

"I don't know, maybe.... " He scoffed slightly, embarrassed to let her know, but needing to share it anyway. "Maybe, you know...meeting with Anspaugh. Maybe of scaring you away."

Carol was confused, not knowing where this was coming from. Then as she sensed the tension in his hands, he simply let go of her. She became so still. She felt as though they were on the edge of something very, very powerful, close to the essence of who he was. Doug was timidly inviting her into a place that she knew he'd dared not take anyone else; and so, she approached gingerly.

"What's this about?"

"I dunno." He idly played, winding a long curl around his finger and then nestled his face into her hair, breathing deeply before pulling back.

"Doug?"

"I dunno, Carol. I can't really put my finger on it."

"Try." She moved next to him, but looked out at the lake, giving him room to talk.

"It's just, after all the therapy, after all the talk, you know, I go and I do the same kind of thing I've always done. It's all still there."

"What's there?"

"Me. I'm still there, the same me," he said, trying to pull off a smile.

"That's not true, you've changed. Considerably."

"No. No. Maybe deep down, I'm still the same. 'Cause it's still there. Mark was right. He said I go after something, and when I get close to having it, I sabotage it. Maybe he's right. Then people see me, they see I haven't changed, I'm still the same screw-up I've always been."

"Doug, you're a different man. You...you're sober, you're honest. I mean, look at us, the past year. How close we are. Why do you think you're still the same?"

"Because it's still there." She looked at him, finally, and the brown eyes that turned to hers were full of emotion. "It's everywhere. I'm hot-tempered, impulsive. Like with Josh. I knew that I had to do something for him, and I-I-I did it without thinking, without...thinking of the long-term."

"You researched it, and you thought about it first," she corrected him.

"I didn't talk it over with anyone at work, though, not Mark or Kerry, or anyone up in Pedes. Maybe if I'd have stated my case...."

"Doug, is this about Anspaugh's call and Josh, or is there something else?"

"You know, it's nothing." He got up, then, and walked away from her.

She wouldn't let him do this. "Don't walk away."

"I have to. I wanna. I'm just going to walk down the beach."

"Doug, don't leave. Come inside, I'll make us a drink."

He turned around to look at her. "I don't want a drink, Carol."

She went to him, holding out her hand, taking his. "Talk to me."

He looked at her and she looked back, never wavering. Then she turned, his hand in hers, and led him back to the steps. He sat down and looked out into the darkening sky, avoiding her eyes.

"Sometimes," he began, "you look for something and then when you find it...when you find it.... Like our second date, when I was just...I don't know.... Taken by you, everything there waiting for me, you there. I wanted you like I've never wanted anyone. There were other times. Times when you got to me, to this...place inside of me, that I thought was locked away. Like this, with you, now. When I really need you -- or, when I feel the closest to you -- it almost...consumes me, I...I feel like, then, everything's gonna come out. And when I let my guard down, and I let you in to the...the...real me, I'm afraid everything I've held back will come out, too. And I don't want it to...so I fight to hold it inside. I fight it because maybe the real me, the one that's inside of me, will come out and you'll see what's really there. "

He was making no sense to her, rambling on so, thoughts so fragmented, but she tried to piece all of it together fearing it would never again be revealed. "What will I see?"

"The man my father created."

"Go on," she encouraged him.

"When you're little...and you love someone...and they don't love you
back...and they hurt the one person in the world who does love you, then you have to...find a place to put all that. I would watch my father hit my mother, humiliate her by screwing other women. I would hear my mother cry at night when she thought I was sleeping. And then, you know, after he smacked her around, he'd come after me. Hurt her more by hurting me.

"But it wasn't enough, you know, to hurt with his hands. He had to hurt with words. I was never good enough, never measured up to what he wanted. I was stupid, I'd never become anything. And to, you know...to survive, you have to find a place to put all that...hurt. You fight the world, trying to prove him wrong. It's my legacy from my dad."

"Doug, there's more to this, isn't there?"

He nodded slowly. "Sometimes, inside, there are things. When things go out of control, when things go wrong...you try to find a way to...get rid of all that tension, all that anger. That hurt. Mary, the shrink I saw, was trying to get at this with me. I wouldn't let her. I didn't want to see it."

Again, a long pause before he spoke. Carol stroked his leg, waiting for him to go on.

"She asked me if I ever...hit women. I never would, I was...insulted that she asked. So, I told her, of course I've never hit a woman. So she leaves that alone for awhile. Then, we got to talkin' about things, talkin' about you. She starts discussing aggression. And, you know, I get her drift, what she means. She comes back to it, wants to know if I was ever aggressive...with you. And I tell her, 'No, Mary. I would never hurt Carol.' Because I'm in control, because you were always different, there was always something about you that I was just...in awe of, something that set you apart. So, I'd never hurt you, sexually. Use you like that.

"And now, here I am, finally getting what I wanted, what I waited for all those years, and I need you so much, and I feel so close to you and then it happens. It all comes out, the...fear and the anger and the hurt. And you're the one person, you know, who I think I can be myself with...and something just snaps and then, I'm too...." Doug stopped, breathing hard, dismayed that he'd revealed so much of his inner self, feeling so naked, dependent upon her right then.

"Passionate?" she asked in a hushed voice.

He shook his head, thinking. "Forceful," he conceded.

"Doug...you're not forceful with me."

"Last night I was."

"Last night was...an aberration."

"No." Doug rapped his fist lightly on the wood beneath them, struggling. "There I was, all tied up in knots last night. And then I look at you -- and there you are, so pretty and-and loving. All I want to do is make love to you, lose myself in you, and it just...it wants to take over. Then there's this...I don't know, this fury that just...it's there. So I let it take over and I get rough with you and I don't stop when you ask me to stop because I can't hold it back anymore."

"Doug, you weren't rough..." she began, but he kept on talking.

"I was. And then I look at you and I see the disbelief in your eyes. Because I say that I wasn't myself last night but maybe I was. In your eyes, I saw the real me. So you find out who I really am. That I'll never really change. And you'll maybe...want to leave. Because I haven't changed at all. It never goes away, Carol. You know? I'm still the same."

She took a deep breath to settle herself before she addressed him.

"It doesn't have to go away, Doug. It can be there, part of you." She turned to face him. "I love you. And I know you, better than anyone else. What I think is that you're facing this situation with Josh McNeal, and it's scary because you did something that may end up changing your life forever. I don't know, Doug, why you do what you do, and I can't make you stop. Sometimes I wish I could. "

Carol placed her hand on his face and lifted it gently so he would look at her, hear her words clearly.

"But I can tell you that I love the man you are. I know the fury is there. And I can tell, sometimes, when you're fighting with things that hurt you. I love you, knowing all that's there. Don't be afraid.  You're not going to scare me away. And you won't hurt me, even when you get passionate. You never have, you never will." She kissed his cheek, then his neck, as he bent his head down to hers. "I love your passion, I love the fire that's inside of you. Don't hold anything back from me. I want everything, Doug, every part of you. Everything."

And to him, that was everything he had ever wanted to hear.

*****

It was his turn to invite her upstairs to the same bed where he'd unleashed tension and despair with her the night before, the same bed where he had used Carol as he never dreamed he would. Where he wanted to set things right. They took turns undressing each other, though he laid her back on the bed before she was fully nude just so he could gaze at her, so he could further enjoy the slow tease that he, and she, loved. After all his clothes were left behind, he joined her, his hand briefly taming her wild tresses before it cupped her face.

The moon was his candlelight, though he didn't need it; he innately knew every tender part he sought to please. But its soft light drifted through the windows so he could watch her expression as she was transformed by his gentleness upon her body. He held her in his arms, his kisses scarcely brushing her cheek, her eyes, then her lips, becoming stronger as she responded, tongues barely touching, bodies coming together. Away from her mouth, to her cheek, breathing softly into her ear, upon her earlobe and then onto her neck, tasting, her perfume stirring him, hands just above her bottom, gliding over her, making her ache for more. He unbuttoned her shirt slowly, kissing the newly unveiled flesh, down her arm, sliding his tongue across a finger, softly nibbling, back up again, to her shoulder, then down, hugging the soft skin above her bra. Teasing her nipples through the thin fabric, he was gently pulling at them with his mouth. Her soft moans rose like steam in the air.

She whispered, "I love your touch."

He couldn't hear this enough. "You love it, do you?"

"I do."

He drew slow, gentle circles on her breast with his thumb and his voice was like a hushed melody. "You know what I love? I love your skin, how soft it is under my fingers. The way your nipples reach for my mouth when I brush against them."

He undid the clasp between her breasts, and then peeled each side back, exposing them, watching her nipples harden and then he bent down to lick each taut peak, savoring her arousal. His lips tugged on one again, then he sucked it into his mouth, scorching her skin. He reached down and brushed the lace of her panties with the back of his hand, feeling heat, wetness, through them, his every touch now a form of worship, of supplication.

"I love that you get wet for me."

Doug pulled her body up to his mouth, holding her waist in his hands, kissing his way toward her center as she undulated underneath him. He slid his tongue along edge of her panties, making her open her legs wider; she instinctively pressed nearer to him. Doug covered her with his mouth, breathing hotly against her, and she begged him to take them off. Not yet ready to comply, he pulled them aside gently and parted the damp ringlets between her legs with his tongue, kissing her, making her quiver as he sucked and licked the stiffening skin. He stopped long enough to make her whimper with impatience as he gently removed her panties.

"I want to feel you come against my mouth," he whispered as he settled between her legs.

Upon hearing him, she thrust herself against his tongue, greedily awaiting his indulgence. And he did gratify her, seeking to please her every whim, obeying her cries and her whispers, submitting himself to her happiness. Just as he felt her become still, felt her legs shake with tension, her body move toward him, he put a finger gradually inside of her, easing it in and out, waiting to feel the waves of her movement upon it. His finger was but a tease, wiggling and moving, but not filling her. Her hands reached for him in vain as she tried to pull him toward her, wanting him to enter her. In one motion, her hips rocked forward, her body arched upon itself and he felt the soft, twitching motion of her climax against his lips, heard her cries of delight, and watched as her face was infused with desperate pleasure.

He inched up her body and kissed her fully, knowing how she loved kisses after he satisfied her. "Let me take you now, Carol," he whispered as he sank into her, stopping a moment, relishing the tightness of her slit. "I love the feel of you when you come...your body shaking, hearing you. I need to be inside of you, feel you grabbing at me, making me come. I love making love to you. I love that you belong to me."

And then it was Doug's pleasure that took precedence, his need, feeling her soft folds yielding to his hardness with each thrust of his hips, the warmth of her breasts against his chest, her hands stroking his back, scratching him. The motion of her hips was intoxicating as she met his demands, as she drove him on. He felt the first shiver of excitement deep within him, the first tantalizing sensation that made him reach for more, and then his orgasm ripped through him, making him moan as he plunged his face into her neck.

"I love you, Carol. Don't ever take this away from me. Stay with me forever."

And with that, she pressed herself against him, giving herself to him completely and she climaxed again while he held her gently in his arms.

*****

Once he revealed himself to her, Carol sheltered him, emotionally. He was open after that night on the porch, talking about what his fate would be. And she kept him in good humor and cared for him in a way she never had before. She'd encouraged him to expect the best, and helped him prepare for the worst.

Their trip to Michigan was good for both of them and she watched as he left the tension behind, finally, during the remainder of their time there, as the lake and the sand and the sun gave him an inner peace. It rained their last morning there, and the gloom matched their moods. They packed up their things and stopped at Bonnie's Breakfast Nook before leaving. Neither one was ready to go back, to give up the closeness of the past three days, to leave the harbor. But even though Carol had one more day off, Doug was due at work, so they made their way out of Michigan, through Indiana and back to Illinois, each lost in their own thoughts and memories.

Things remained quiet as they unpacked, as Doug brought the clothes down to start the laundry and Carol sorted through the mail. They slept huddled together that night; he never let go of her.

She watched him in the mirror as he got ready for work, seeing the stress once again line his face, the tightness return to his jaw, the wariness take its place behind his eyes.

"I'll be thinking about you today, Doug. Call me."

"I will. See you later," he called as he opened the door and trudged down the steps. He went about his business that morning under the watchful eye of Kerry Weaver. He was tanned, his cheeks had a splash of color over them, but his face was tense and serious. Kerry looked at him and smirked, noting that he'd cut his hair quite short and that he was clean-shaven; he looked so different than he had just a week ago, in the PICU, and she wondered if Carol had coached him on changing his appearance. Too bad, she thought, that he hadn't thought of it for his QA in front of administration.

"Hey, Dr. Ross. Dr. Ross!"

"Yeah, Randi?"

"Call on line three, it's Dr. Anspaugh's office."

"Thanks." Doug cleared his throat and picked up the phone, turning his back to his coworkers. "This is Dr. Ross. Okay. Uh, okay, when?  Sure. Okay. Bye."

"Randi, I'll be upstairs with Anspaugh. Tell Mark there's a baby in three, possible rotovirus, she's being hydrated. Oh, and warn him...it's smells like a toxic dump in there."

He could feel the eyes in his back as he walked away.

Doug took the elevator upstairs and walked to Anspaugh's office. The door was ajar and he tapped lightly.

"Come in, Doug."

"Hey, Donald."

"Please, sit down."

Doug took a seat and glanced down on the desk to a packet of papers. He read the first few lines.

"Meeting notes: May 20, 1998
Re: Disciplinary meeting
Subject: Douglas Ross, M.D., Pediatrics/Emergency Services; Carol Hathaway, R.N., M.S./Emergency Services"

Doug looked up and gave Don Anspaugh his full attention.

"Well, Doug, the committee, in conjunction with the legal department, has given its recommendation. While the outcome in the Josh McNeal case was favorable, and the parent appeared to be pleased with the process, your actions were against hospital policy and the policy handed down to us by the State of Illinois. Specifically, you disregarded Cook County Hospital's Policy #72-8567-A, which states "No minor child may be treated without the expressed, written consent of a parent or guardian unless withholding that treatment would result in death or permanent physical damage...." Well, you know the rest.

"In any event, the committee voted 4-2 in favor of a 30-day probation period, during which time all procedures will be co-signed by the Acting Chief of Emergency Medicine, Kerry Weaver."

Doug nodded. "And Carol?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't divulge that kind of hospital personnel information to you." Doug's face fell as he signaled his understanding. Anspaugh continued, smiling. "I can tell you that I just spoke with her on the phone. You may want to call her, Doug. I'm sure it will be a pleasant call."

Doug smiled slightly, feeling relieved. "Donald...can I ask who the two were that voted against the 30-day probation?"

"Yes, Doug. It was Kerry Weaver and me."

Doug raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Kerry?"

"Yes, she was not in favor of the probation. She wanted you to be terminated."

"Oh. I see." Doug thought a minute. "Don...you?"

"Let's just say that I...well, I have some personal experience with you that made me pause." Don smiled again.

"Oh. Thanks. Thank you. Um, when does this begin?"

"Effective today."

"Okay. Uh, I just get Kerry's signature?"

"Yes, you'll be working only when she's on shift so she can co-sign your charts."

"Okay, great. Don, I appreciate it."

Doug got up, shook his hand, and turned around to leave.

"Doug? We're setting up interviews for the new pediatric attending position. Is your hat still in the ring?"

Doug turned around, incredulously, and tilted his head. "You mean....?"

"Is it?

"Yes. Yes, it is."

"Fine. You'll find the application in your mailbox this afternoon.  Thanks for coming up, Doug."

Doug walked directly outside into the warm spring air, cell phone in hand. He dialed and waited impatiently for Carol to pick up.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah, Anspaugh called, disciplinary note in my file. You?"

"Thirty days probation, under the watchful eye of Acting Chief Kerry Weaver."

"A fate worse than death, huh?" she noted wryly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Coulda been worse. I'm still numb."

"I know."

"Oh, hey, get this. Anspaugh asks me if my hat's still in the ring for the Pedes attending job."

"You're joking."

"No. No."

"Well, sounds like you have some work to do when you get home, Doug."

*****

Doug was pragmatic regarding his fate. He shared with her his excitement about his interview and worked hard during the evenings, bouncing ideas off of her, developing a well-thought-out proposal.

"You need to convey the reasons why this is so important," she advised him. "So, explain it to me."

Doug leaned back in his chair, thinking a moment, then moved forward as he began to state his case.

"Pediatric medicine is more difficult, sometimes, than people realize.  First of all, kids aren't little adults, they're physiologically in the growing stage of life, so medication impacts them, health issues impact them differently. They are scared when they come in. Strange smells, all these white coats and uniforms. People poke and prod them, hurt them, don't explain things to them, talk over their heads to parents who are usually too frightened to understand anything. Add to that the psychos and the crack heads who mill around this place, and it is chaos for a child. Absolute chaos.

"My idea is to create a separate space for kids, a room of their own.  Quieter, maybe paintings or a mural on the wall, toys, books. A rocking chair, changing table, all the things parents and kids need when they're sick and stressed. Staff it with people who really know kids, who are dedicated to them. Stock it with everything we need to treat children. Give them the respect and the attention they deserve." Doug looked back up at her to gauge her reaction. She was beaming.

"Write it up and tell that to Anspaugh, Doug. Don't change a thing."

Doug spent many evenings honing his ideas, constantly asking for her opinion, looking to her for guidance. She was thrilled to see his dedication. And happy, too, that he was again the same Doug she knew and loved. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal with him, save his relationship with Mark.

Carol had mourned the short loss of Mark in Doug's life. Sure, they'd had a history of disagreements, of long, drawn out arguments, hurt feelings. But they'd also supported each other throughout some of the most difficult of times. It was Mark who extended a hand this time, who reached out to Doug three days after his probation was announced.

Doug was in the lounge, deep in thought. His feet were up on the table, papers were scattered all around. Mark walked in, but Doug didn't even acknowledge him. Things were so unsettled between them. Stirring his coffee slowly, Mark looked for a way to break the ice.

"How was St. Joseph, Doug?"

"Benton Harbor," he corrected him without looking up.

"How was Benton Harbor, then?"

"Fine."

Leaning against the counter, Mark sipped his coffee carefully. "Whatcha working on?"

"A proposal."

"Oh, yeah? What are you proposing?"

Doug sighed and looked up. "What do you need, Mark?"

Mark shot a quizzical look. "I don't need anything."

"I gotta finish up here." With that, Doug turned his attention back to his writing.

Mark walked out of the lounge, shaking his head. Carol looked up, seeing this, feeling so sorry that things hadn't righted themselves yet. He moved closer to her, speaking confidentially. "I don't know how to fix it, Carol."

Carol nodded, but said nothing. She'd decided long ago not to intervene, but to simply let things unfold. Two minutes later, Doug appeared at the admissions desk, the papers stuffed in a manila envelope.

"Carol, I'm outta here, I'm going to drop this off and I'll be back in 15 minutes to pick you up." Doug kissed her cheek, and walked past Mark.

"Hey, Doug, wait a minute," Mark called after him.

Doug turned around to face him, an impatient expression covering his face. "What?"

"Do you need to use my computer for something?"

"I got it covered, Mark, thanks."

"Wait!"

Doug turned around again and the two men stared at each other. Mark moved closer to him, having attracted some attention amongst the assembled nursing staff.

"Why don't you come over tonight. You can use my computer, type and print out whatever you're working on, and we'll get something to eat. Talk. Okay?"

Doug thought for a moment, then glanced over Mark's shoulder at Carol for her opinion. She nodded. "Okay," he said quietly.

"Good. I'm off at six."

"I've gotta drop Carol off first."

"No problem. I'll grab some dinner on the way home. See you later."

The ride to their house was quiet. Doug spoke first. "I'm really pissed off at him, Carol."

"I know."

"I mean, it's not because of the detox, that's not really it. It's because he didn't have the balls to tell me outright he wouldn't support my idea of a Pedes attending."

"What are you going to do, Doug?"

"I'm going to see what he has to say," he answered, kissing her before she left.

"I'll wait up."

"No need."

"I'll wait up," she insisted. "Good luck."

As he drove over, he tried to solidify his thoughts, to make some sense out of what he might want to say, but knowing this was never his strong point, he gave up half way and just hoped he'd sound coherent when he talked to Mark.

Doug walked through the parking lot and into the alcove outside Mark's apartment. He knocked on the door, and Mark answered immediately.

"Doug, hi, come on in. Can I get you a drink? A beer or something?"  Mark's hospitality wasn't lost on Doug.

"Yeah, a beer, great."

"What kind -- I have Heineken, Bud, Michelob...."

"Heineken? You? What'd you get a raise?" Doug teased.

"Uh, no," Mark answered, smiling. "Every once in while, I like to live large."

"Heineken it is, if we're living large."

Mark went into the kitchen and Doug followed. "When's Rachel coming?"

"Coupla weeks."

"How do you think it will be, having her here all the time?"

Mark turned around and handed him a beer. "It'll be great. I love having her here. Funny thing is," Mark continued, "she's so much like Jennifer. I...I mean that in a good way. She keeps me on my toes.  In some ways, it's like when Jennifer and I met when we were young, you know?"

"Yeah," Doug concurred. "How's things with Jennifer?"

"Better. Not as adversarial. She keeps telling me I need to find a good woman," Mark joked.

Doug walked over to the couch and sat down. "There's something to be said for finding a good woman, Mark. Take it from me."

Mark followed, wanting to continue the small-talk. "So, how was Benton Harbor?"

"Benton Harbor was great. All those years with Carol, we never went away anywhere together." Doug stretched his legs out, putting them up on the coffee table.

"That's because you never got out of bed long enough to go anywhere," Mark chided him.

"Well, some things never change, but..." Doug laughed. "It was really great, being away with her."

"So, things are good?"

"Yeah. She is incredible. I can't even begin to explain to you," Doug confided, letting his guard down a moment. "I can't explain what a...difference she makes."

"I can tell, Doug," Mark said, smiling.

Doug cleared his throat. "It's funny, Mark...she makes me want to be...better at things, you know?" He glanced up for confirmation and Mark looked at him thoughtfully. "My whole life, I've wanted someone who would believe in me, take me for who I am. Support me." He laughed ruefully. "Someone, of course, other than my mother...." He chuckled again, trying to lighten the moment, to deflect the embarrassment. "I think Carol is that one person."

"Does she know, Doug?"

"Know what?"

"What you just told me."

Doug traced his finger over the label of his beer. "Yeah. She does."

Mark nodded seriously.

"Mark -- I know that what I did...with the McNeal baby...I knew it was against policy, I knew I was taking a risk, but, I didn't care. It's the last little part of me that I can't seem to change. And that's what this Pedes attending thing is all about. It's one of the last areas of my life where I want some legitimacy."

Mark looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Well," he began, "a coupla years ago, I stopped getting drunk, started working out more. I stopped having sex with strangers. I am faithful to Carol because I want to be faithful. And honest."

Doug looked at Mark, who nodded for him to continue.

"The one thing that I've never had, that I want now, is success as a doctor."

Mark shook his head in disagreement. "Doug, you have successes every day."

"But I don't have the respect that goes along with those successes, so I don't have success."

"You think the way to get that success is by violating hospital policy, Doug?"

"No. I think it's by living with the consequences of my actions and by living up to my potential. By proving to everyone around here that I'm more than they think I am. And tomorrow, I meet with Anspaugh, and I'm going to try like hell to convince him that I deserve that chance."

As Doug looked up, he thought that for the first time in his life he saw respect in Mark's eyes.

*****

Doug made his way up their tiny walkway, up the steps and opened the screen door. He took his keys out and began to unlock the door, but the lock was turned from the inside and then she was there. She held her arms out to him and he smiled for a moment before walking into her embrace.

"I waited up for you, Doug."

"So you did." He smiled and held her tightly, his hands caressing her back, and then his lips sought hers as he basked in her gentleness.  "Thanks, Carol. For waiting up."

She returned his tender kisses as they closed the door, turned off the light. As she welcomed him home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~