Insensitive

**Author's note** The following is the combined effort of two authors, so you may be able to find the transitions in style and places where it is quite obvious one of us was dumping a difficult scene on the other :) We hope that it doesn't make for a rocky read. This is one author's second attempt at Nfic and the other's first, so that in mind, on with the story. Any comments are welcome and appreciated. Please tell us, should we keep writing?

**Disclaimer** The characters mentioned in this story are not our own, but the property of NBC. The situations involved are the product of our minds (scary, huh).

**Summary** This takes place during season 2. Carol is dating Shep and Doug is still on his downward spiral before hitting rock bottom.

**Warning** Hey this is an Nfic, so you know the drill..must be 18 (blah, blah), and willing to read the attempts of two very good intentioned authors.

Insensitive

by Lynne and Jayme
twosouls@hotmail.com 

How do you cool your lips after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss?
How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?
~~ "Insensitive" by Jann Arden

"So I was thinking," Doug said, in his smooth manner, "you and me...and dinner."

Carol glanced at the woman Doug was propositioning. She was the usual type: pretty, young, and most importantly, unsuspecting. She shook her head. "How original," she whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

Doug turned his head and shot her a glare. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You haven't changed one bit," Carol practically snarled, "you still don't have a clue."

Doug turned back to his prospective date and offered her an award winning smile, "Will you excuse me for just a moment?"

The blonde, chewing gum rather loudly, nodded. "Sure thing."

He grabbed Carol's arm and herded her towards the lounge. "Carol, may I talk to you please?"

Carol pulled her arm from Doug's grasp. "Do I have a choice?"

Doug pushed the door shut roughly after whisking Carol inside, "What was all that about?" he asked angrily.

"Well, if you're going to force us to watch you seduce 22 years olds week after week, the least you could do is keep it fresh for us," she snapped at him sarcastically.

"She's 24 and what business is it of yours?" he asked, just short of shouting.

"Oh, so you bothered to get a little background information this time? That's a first...of course, I can see in her case, you needed to be sure it's legal."

Doug glared at her, "My shift is over, what I do outside of this hospital is none of your business."

"Of course not, especially since you're sure to get laid with that one." Something in Doug's eyes snapped and Carol knew she'd gone to far. Without another word, Doug pushed out of the lounge. Carol watched him gather his things and leave quickly, the blonde on his elbow.

She didn't bother to call after him, knowing it would do no good.

She brushed her hair back and sighed loudly. What was it about Doug Ross that drove her nuts? She claimed, to anyone who would listen, that she hated his treatment of women. He used them and then left them behind, tossing them aside like yesterdays news. To herself, though she often didn't listen, she admitted that a part of her still cared about him.

She breezed out of the lounge and found herself running into her boyfriend Shep. He offered her a bright smile, one of which she found herself unable to return. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Everything okay?" he questioned.

"Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't everything be okay?"

He leaned down to kiss her, but she pushed him away. "Not at work Shep."

"Did I do something?" Shep asked confused.

"No," she answered him crossly, "But work isn't the place for us to be making out."

"We were making out!" Shep chuckled, "I just gave you a kiss is all." Carol folded her arms across her chest, "Ok, so no kissing at work. What's got you so upset?" She didn't answer him. He thought back, "Did Doug Ross say something to you?!" He asked belligerently.

"No!" Carol sighed, "It's just not been a good day," she said quietly.

"Well, how about I pick up dinner, bring it over to your house, and we'll spend a quiet evening together, huh?" He gave her one of those grins of his. She remembered when Doug used to give her those little grins...a grin that held a promise of more than a quiet evening....

*******

Doug grinned his trademark grin at the blonde...her name had escaped him...as he closed the door to his apartment. "So," he began, struggling to remember her name, "can I get you anything to drink?"

The young woman was glancing around his apartment. She walked over to his wall and glanced at a framed picture that was his only decoration. "You saved this kid?"

Doug walked over to his makeshift bar and began mixing drinks. "Yeah, I got an award for it."

Impressed, she offered him a smile. "Where is it?"

"I chucked it."

She laughed, but didn't press him for answers. This is, after all, how he preferred it. The less known about each other, the better.

"Most people save 'em," she remarked, taking the drink Doug had offered her.

"Well, I'm not like most people," he said seductively.

*******

Oh I really should have known by the time you drove me home,
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes.
By the chill in your embrace and the expression on your face,
That told me you might have some advice to give ...
On how to be...insensitive.

By now, Carol thought, he'd be seducing her. "Damn it!" she cursed, berating herself for allowing her thoughts to wander back to him.

What was this hold he had on her?

"What are you thinking about?" Shep asked her softly.

Carol snapped out of it, "Nothing important," she offered a smile, trying to convince herself as much as him. He laughed lightly and turned back to his Chinese takeout. Whenever she and Doug had attempted a dinner date, they'd always had desert first....mostly never making it back to dinner. He'd grin softly at her. She'd read his eyes...seeing in them every move of the night to come...

"I love to watch you when your mind wanders," Shep chuckled.

"Wh-what?" Carol asked startled.

He was smiling, "You're just so beautiful."

She smiled at him, determined not to let Doug Ross in body or in spirit, keep her from living her life. She inched towards Shep and took his face in her hands. She kissed him lightly at first, then more urgently. She grabbed his shirtfront...

"What's this?" Shep asked, laughing uncertainly.

"What does it feel like?" she asked, putting his hand on her chest.

Shep laughed, turning red, "What's gotten into you?"

Carol stopped cold...She instantly released her grip on his shirt. Doug would never have asked that. Doug....He always managed to slip back into her mind, pushing aside all and any attempts of moving on and away.

"Hey," Shep said in a soothing tone, "I..I, uh, was taken by surprise."

Carol shook her head. "Just drop it Shep."

He gave her a wounded look, coming off like a puppy who'd just been kicked by his master, but still yearned for attention. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

Doug's date wouldn't be asking what's gotten into him...

********

He woke with a start, glancing around the darkened room. Next to him, the blonde slept on. He still couldn't remember her name. As he gazed at her, he realized, with a heavy heart, that Carol was right. It was getting old, it was no longer fun.

He nudged the unnamed blonde's arm, waking her up. "Hey," he said with no trace of a smile.

She yawned and stared hard at his alarm clock. 3:30 a.m.? Why was he waking her up now? "Hey," she replied, "something up?"

Doug pulled the blanket over him and thought that something was up, something that came up when he started thinking about Carol. "Yeah, I hate to do this, but I gotta work early--"

The woman groaned loudly. She had figured him to be different. She honestly thought he'd call her. Shaking her head, she crawled out of his bed. "Don't bother to explain."

*******

How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood after the body rush?
How do you free your soul after you've found a friend?
How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again?

Doug couldn't fall back asleep after the blonde....Julie?...had left. He recalled events from earlier...the touch of her skin, the feel of her legs around him, the sound of his name from her lips. He rolled over, almost disgusted. He closed his eyes, remembering the last time sex actually felt good to him...the last time he was satisfied.........

*******Flashback*******

He's still wasn't sure why she came to him that time, that final time when it wasn't just sex. It had meant something and he smiled to remember it.

Doug had just returned home from his shift. He was looking forward to relaxing in front of the television. Though it was Christmas time, he hadn't bothered to decorate his small apartment. Why bother? It was only a waste of time as he didn't care much for the holidays. Since he left Carol....Why had he done that?

He didn't have much of a chance to mull over this much thought-over question. Someone was pounding at his door, demanding entry. "Hang on," he called.

Doug didn't bother looking through the peep hole, he simply opened the door. "Carol?"

She was the last person he had expected to find standing there. He

cocked his head and glanced at her. He could tell she had been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy.

"Can I come in?" she asked quietly.

Doug stepped aside and let her in. "Sure. Is everything okay?" She didn't answer him. She just stood there, looking around warily. "There's no one else here," he said softly. She turned to him and took a step in his direction.

"What's wrong?" he asked, putting his hands on her arms. She didn't answer, but broke down sobbing. Doug pulled her gently to him, "Shh, shh, it's ok," he murmured, "It's ok." She wrapped her arms tightly around him and held on. He rocked her gently, murmuring soothing sounds and just holding her. After a few minutes, she calmed down a bit. She tilted her face up to look into his.

"Ready to talk now?" he asked, offering a smile.

"No," she whispered, bringing her lips to his. He didn't hesitate and responded without thought. Her tongue moved across his lips and he opened his mouth, his tongue eagerly sought hers.

Carol was here, he realized, and in his arms. He quickly pulled away, startling Carol. "We...shouldn't be doing this," he panted.

"I need to," Carol answered, leaning forward to kiss him again.

Thoughts flew through his head, arguing that she would come to regret this later. He certainly wouldn't, it was what he wanted with his entire being. But he knew she would. "Carol, slow down. You know as well as I do, that you'll only end up regretting this."

Carol ignored his protests and began unbuttoning his shirt. "Probably."

He meant to pull away, but when her hands began roaming across his chest, he was lost. "I mean...what about..."

What was that guy's name? Tag? If he ever found out, there'd be hell to pay.

"Don't worry about that now," she said, kissing him hard on the mouth.

Don't worry about it now, his body agreed. "You're right," he whispered.

His hands fumbled at her shirt, the suave lover no longer so sure of himself.

Carol stepped away from him, her eyes clouded by lust. "What's wrong Doug?" she asked in a throaty voice.

Doug opened his mouth to speak, but his tongue was rendered useless as he watched Carol pull off her shirt. Without regard, she tossed it to the floor. He followed suit and removed his own shirt, adding it to hers, making the beginnings of a small pile.

She came back to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing against him. "You're quiet," she stated.

Instead of answering her, he began planting small kisses on her neck and shoulders. He had dreamed about being with her again for so long and now it was happening. When would he wake up? When would this wonderful dream end?

Not wanting to wait and find out, Doug reached behind her and unclasped her bra and threw it on the growing pile. Carol, not wanting to wait any longer, directed his head to her breasts. He didn't need to be told twice. He eagerly began teasing the already hard nipples with his tongue, prompting a moan from Carol.

She ran her hands through his hair and pulled his head closer, prolonging the contact. "Please," she begged.

While he continued sucking her nipples, his hands moved to the button on her pants. She placed her hands over his, stopping him.

He gazed up at her, trying to read her face to see what she wanted, what she expected. She looked so lost and that could be a good thing or a bad thing. Right now he wasn't sure and he didn't know how much longer he could care.

She cupped his face in her hands and pulled him up to her, kissing him once more on the lips. Take it easy, she thought, slow down. She found herself ignoring that silent voice, the voice of logic and reason. True, she'd probably regret this in the morning, but it wasn't morning yet and it seemed like hours until it would arrive. Why not make the

best of it?

She allowed her mind to drift and her hands followed suit. Reaching down she cupped Doug through his pants, not surprised by his erection. Doug moaned as he felt her hand groping him. He had to fight the urge to rip off the rest of her clothes right there. Taking slow, deep breaths, he struggled to maintain control.

"You're sure this is what you want?" he asked, bringing Carol back to reality.

"Positive."

This was all he needed to hear. Now he could lose himself in her.

His hands frantically sought her breasts, squeezing them gently. As he pressed against her, her breath was forced out in one quick burst of excitement.

Carol opened his jeans and quickly pulled them down. Doug stepped out of them and kicked them aside, never breaking his kiss.

When finally he had to come up for air, Doug nodded towards the bedroom. "Not here," he managed.

She followed him into the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed and held his arms open. She paused just in front of him and he admired the view as she rid herself of her pants. "You like what you see, huh?" she asked, pointing to the growing bulge in his boxers.

"Always," he said, beckoning her to move closer.

She walked into his outstretched arms and sighed as his hands began stroking her body, bringing her body to life. His mouth began exploring her body, kissing, licking, and sucking every inch of flesh that he could reach. He roved over her body hungrily, unable to get enough to make up for their time apart...for all the times he had imagined Tag doing this to her instead of him...for all the times he had done this to other women instead of her. He laid back on the bed, pulling her on top of him, moving his mouth back up to meet hers. His hands slid across her skin, down her back, meeting the lace panties...the only thing left on her that kept them apart. Doug whisked them off and let them drop. His hand caressed her ass, pulling her closer to him. Carol put her knees on either side of his hips and sat up, breathing hard. She could feel his desire for her, so close. She placed her hands on his sides and slid them into the waistband of his boxers. She leaned forward, giving him room to lift up with her and she slid the boxers down just enough to be out of her way before putting her weight back down on top of him. Carol took his face in her hands and explored Doug's mouth again. She had forgotten it's feel, it's taste. She felt his hands, caressing her, making every inch of her body ache for him. No one else ever made her feel like this...like she was the center of someone else's being. Carol moved down to kiss and bite at his neck. Her lips traveled down his body, kissing the strength of his chest, gently nipping at each nipple. She felt Doug's hand push her hair back from her face. He watched her as she followed the bunny trail of hair from his chest down his abs. She looked up, her eyes met his before she put her head back down.

"Wait," he breathed, sitting up. He pulled Carol to him so that she sat in his lap. He caressed her cheek softly, "What do you want?"

"Just you," she whispered.

"You've got me," he smiled, "and you've got all night. What do you want?"

"I want to do something beside lay there," she said urgently, her forehead to his, "I want to feel someone love me and I want to love them...I want to love you." she shook her head, frustrated at her inability to explain to him what she felt...the dis-satisfaction without him...the empty rightness with him

Doug looked at her, her head bowed. He didn't know how to tell her. The loneliness in his life without her, the frightening belonging with her. He never was much for words. He brushed her hair back with his fingertips to gaze at her face. Her eyes met his as they edged closer and kissed, softly at first, but the passion growing. He felt her lips part under his and he slid his tongue into her mouth. Electricity seemed to shoot through both their mouths at the contact. They pulled each other closer at the same time and Doug leaned down on top of Carol. Carol wrapped her arms around Doug's strong torso, feeling the supple muscles beneath his skin contract and relax as his body shifted over hers. Doug's kisses traveled from her mouth, to behind her ear, down to her neck. He nuzzled at her neck for a bit before licking a trail down to her collar bone. His tongue glided along then slipped down to her breast. A saliva trail glistened where he licked around her nipple.

"Doug," Carol gasped, wanting to feel his mouth on her, "please."

She put her hands on the back of his head, her fingers intertwining in his short hair, urging him to give her want she wanted.

Doug grinned, pleased to hear her beg. He complied, sucking on the tender flesh, just to but not past pain. Caressing one breast with a hand and the other with his mouth, Carol moaned in pleasure, arching her chest towards his mouth. Doug kept his mouth at Carol's breast, but let the other hand slide down the side of her body. Goose bumps rose on her flesh at his touch. He caressed her hip for a moment before slipping his hand between her legs. His touch met with heat and wetness. He grinned at her breast, feeling her enthusiasm for him. He increased the pressure of his touch, slipping his fingers into her soft folds, feeling her swell as if by command at his fingertips. Carol sighed softly, contentedly. It was almost a squeak, and it drove Doug crazy. His mouth met back up with hers, but his hand continued to stroke at her, dancing circles around her clitoris. She pulled his face down to hers, kissing him hard, her tongue exploring every crevice in his mouth.

"God, Doug," she managed to form the words between their lips as his touch sent her close to the edge, "please, I want you with me...I want you inside me." She gasped. "Please Doug, not yet." He removed his hand and positioned himself so that he was between her legs. Gazing into her eyes and seeing a desire that matched his own, he edged himself towards her opening, just brushing on the outside, teasing her. "Doug..." it was a plea, and Doug gave in. He slipped inside her, mindful of her need to adjust to him. She gasped at the first feel of him. Hearing this, Doug started to withdraw, not wanting to hurt her, but he couldn't. Carol wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him tightly. Doug gasped at the depth of his penetration into her.

"You ok?" he breathed.

"Mmmm," Carol nodded, but couldn't form the words. She began grinding her hips against him, urging him to begin his motion. He barely needed the cue and began thrusting with her, gently at first, but quickly abandoning all pretense as he was swept away with her. Carol clutched him tightly, her legs around his waist, one arm around his chest, the other possessively holding the back of his head. Doug held on to Carol protectively, never wanting to let go. Heads side by side, they breathed into each other, their motion as one. Doug felt her breathing increase, she was going over the edge. The muscles in her hips and thighs spasmed around him, clutching at him as she crashed. Her body rocked with the force of her orgasm. The strength of her climax drove him on, and he continued to pump into her. Still going, she grinded against him. He felt it and groaned as stars exploded in his head as he came inside of her. Ever so slowly, the came down together. They didn't move, just holding onto each other in the wake of their love-making. Finally, Doug began to move.

"No," Carol clutched him tightly with her legs, "not yet. Don't leave me yet."

*********End Flashback********

oh, you probably won't remember me
it's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue I'm out of touch
I fell too fast I feel too much
I thought that you might have
some advice to give on how to be insensitive.

Don't leave me yet. It was a simple enough request, but it was one he couldn't fulfill. He wanted to stay, in fact, he never wanted to leave her. But something, that same something that caused him to drink, pushed him out of her life forever. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. She had asked him to stay, something she normally wouldn't do. She knew, after the time they had spent together, that he always left after sex. It was rare that he ever stay behind. He either had to be extremely drunk, or Carol had to beg him to stay. After a while, she simply stopped asking. It was a fact of life, one that was hard to deal with, but a fact none the less.

Why hadn't he stayed this time, when his entire being longed to? What stopped him? He wasn't afraid of Tag finding out, he could have cared less about that. So why hadn't he stayed? What pushed him out into the cold night?

********Flashback**********

"No," Carol clutched him tightly with her legs, "not yet. Don't' leave me yet."

He withdrew from her, avoiding her intense gaze. "I can't."

She turned away from him, rolling onto her side. "You could, if you wanted to."

He tried to think up an excuse, but nothing came to mind. He found himself powerless to lie to her. "I want--"

Close to tears, Carol waved him away. "Don't. I don't want to hear any more excuses from you Doug."

"At least hear me out, huh?" he pleaded, intent on stating his case.

"You're trying to explain to me why you're going to leave your own apartment? Save it Doug."

"I just need to go out for--"

She waved him away once more. "Don't worry, I'll be gone before you come back."

He should have stayed, he should have listened to that voice of reason that told him it was the right thing to do. "Do you need a lift home?"

"I can take care of myself, don't worry about me. You never do anyway."

"That's not true!"

Doug walked over to his dresser and pulled out some sweats. Throwing them on, he cast a final glace at Carol. She lay on her side, curled up into a small, protective ball. He didn't need to ask her, to know that she was crying. "Wait for me," he called over his shoulder, "I'll drive you home."

*******End Flashback*******

He knew sleep wouldn't come tonight. He sat up and thought about the mistake he made that night, the mistake that would haunt him for as long as he lived. He shouldn't have walked out. He should have given her the one thing, the only thing she asked him for.

When he came back from his walk she was gone. A part of him knew that she would be, but he had hoped otherwise. Now he cursed himself. Now, he thought glumly, she was with Shep. Shep was the one who held her close. Shep stayed with her through the night.

*******

Shep slept beside her, lost in his own world. Carol sighed and rolled onto her side. He had tried to woo her over, but it was futile.

Her thoughts lay with Doug and his date. She didn't realize that he had kicked her out, that the date was over. As she lay in bed, she allowed her thoughts to drift back to Doug.

It had been a simple request and it pained her greatly to think that Doug wouldn't (she didn't know he couldn't) grant it. She had never told him what drove her to him that night and he never asked. As she tried to sleep, she thought about that night, so long ago. What had driven her to him? No doubt it was a fight with Tag that had her so upset, but why did she go to Doug? Why didn't she go to Susan's? She tried to recall the fight that pushed her out into the night. She vaguely remembered Tag saying something about her being too straight-forward. He, unlike Doug, wasn't used to that kind of behavior. For some reason, on this occasion, it bothered her. She quickly threw on some clothes and fled their small apartment, seeking comfort in the arms of the only man she had ever loved.

What would have happened that night, if he had let her stay? A part of her liked to believe that she would have stayed forever, that she would have forgiven him for all his past indiscretions. She knew he loved her. So why couldn't he have stayed? Why was it always about him?

*******

He knew it was insensitive on his part, not granting her simple wish. His thoughts were selfish, he was only looking out for number one, which of course was him. He tried to explain to Carol, on numerous occasions after that night, why he did what he did. She wouldn't hear him out. How could he explain to her how scared he had been...how scared he still was? How he had wanted to be with her so much, but at the same time, was more frightened than he ever thought possible. How do you explain to someone who hasn't been through it, the fear that becomes a part of you when you've been hurt by those you love ever since you were born? How do you explain that you want to love, more than anything in the world...but you don't know how? You become insensitive, protecting yourself from future hurt and past regret. You move along, blindly stumbling through life, yearning for more, but knowing nothing will ever go as planned. Doug sighed and closed his eyes, trying to vanquish these thoughts from his mind, silently praying that for just one night, he could be some place else, some place where the pain of his life couldn't reach him.

The End