Kiss of Life

Summary: Frustrations mount as Carol and Doug try to have a baby.

The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.

Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:

http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html
http://www.oocities.org/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
and at:
http://www.jsentertainment.com/gilbert/terffa/

Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life

My thanks to Elizabeth for editing (your hand is always evident in the finished product, and for that I'm grateful) and to Ruth for reading/reassuring :)

This story is dedicated to my dear friend who has shared so much with me. Thanks for letting me share my writing with you.

Kiss of Life
by Jordan
jturner36@juno.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It's the colour of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
He led me to you

He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
Ay ay ay
You wrapped me up in
The colour of love
-- Sade Abu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He'd held many hearts in his hands during his career as a doctor, but never had he done so as a lover. This was different. Now that she had finally given herself over to him, shared her secrets and taken the veil off that concealed her soul, he found he was awed by what her heart contained. Her emotions, the depths of her feelings were revealed to him as they grew in her and although he struggled at times to understand her, never once was he intimidated in trying to do so.

Carol had never been more content in her life. Once she'd given him the chance, he'd proven to her that her life with him could be better than it had ever been before. They sought each other out constantly, always waiting to share a joke, a laugh, a smile, a dream. They spent long hours talking, planning things, confiding in each other. Happiness   threatened to overwhelm her.

The change in her caused even more dramatic changes in him. He felt comfortable talking about everything with her, being honest and straightforward. And out of this change came other transformations.  They'd made a decision in their own simple way, a decision to have a baby. It had grown out of circumstances. Neither of them had ever seriously discussed it before, never really even given it a thought, unless using birth control counted as discussion. They realized, though, through their disappointment that they weren't accidentally pregnant, that they both wanted the same thing. He was at the point in his life where he was ready to give of himself, and she was ready to move forward, to further her happiness.

He reveled in this new-found closeness and expected things to continue on the same smooth path. That's why her current change of heart was so disturbing to him. What had begun as a mutual yearning turned into another one of Carol's projects. It surprised him, eventually, that it took him so long to figure out what she was doing.

Carol had fully anticipated, specifically after their first passionate night of trying, that she would be pregnant and expecting a baby quickly. When it didn't happen, she was surprised, but took it in stride, figuring it would really be unlikely the first month. September came and went, bringing with it no good news. By the end of October, she was on a mission; a mission of such grave importance she was afraid to share it with anyone for fear of exposing how very important it was. Afraid for some reason to confide in Doug, until he forced the issue.

"Hey, Carol, I'm waiting. Come to bed." He smiled that wicked smile, the one that usually made her heart pound.

Carol sat on the bed, pulling her hair out of her eyes. "Doug, I'm kinda beat. Not tonight, okay?"

"Um hmm." He frowned slightly. "That makes...three nights in a row.   Everything okay?"

"I'm fine, Doug. Maybe tomorrow."

Doug, who had never paid any attention to her cycle, now began to sense a pattern to her reluctance and conversely, her willingness. She was scheduling their lovemaking. And he was offended by it. Making love in accordance with a calendar was unnatural for him.

One evening, after she reached for him in bed enthusiastically and they made love, he decided to broach the subject.

"What's this about?"

"What's what about?"

"This. You turn me down one week, practically attack me the next."

"Doug," she reasoned, "there are just times when it's more likely to happen. We have to take advantage of them."

He was perturbed. She'd been pushing this issue for a while now, and he'd had about enough. "Carol, I know how it works. And I want this, too. I just don't want to schedule things, that's all. It'll happen when it happens."

She sighed deeply. He made sense, but for some reason the need inside of her was making her obsessive, driven to do this.

If he didn't respect her, he would not have tolerated this intrusion for as long as he did. It was a funny thing, but their intimacy was, in a sense, sacred to him. It was the way they regenerated after a difficult day, a vacation away from the stress in their lives. Time for private talks. Long, unhurried stretches of lovemaking where he could make her shiver with desire, where she would make it easy for him to expose the depths of his feelings to her by virtue of her sweetness. He wondered, though, if it still meant all that to her, too.

Around the time Carol started to pay attention to her body rhythm and her fertility, Doug was struggling to get his feet under him in the pediatric E.R. She'd teased him Halloween night about his work habits, but she was resentful. There were nights she'd waited in bed for him, only to wake up and find him asleep in a chair, papers strewn all around him. Scheduled days off where she anticipated they'd spend time together that he decided to go in to work, trying to get a handle on the workload. Days and nights that had become lost opportunities, to her  disappointment.

Doug came home on one such night and he was exhausted. He'd stayed up until 3 that morning battling paperwork, gotten very little sleep, then woke again to put in a full day at work. By the time he got into bed that evening, it was all he could do to remember to set the alarm for the morning. Carol climbed into bed next to him and snuggled by his side, letting her hand roam. She felt him relax, then as her fingers moved downward, felt his erection grow in response to her play.

"Doug, before you go to sleep, I want to spend a little time with you."

"Carol...." His raspy voice trailed off and she was afraid he was falling asleep.

"Hey, stay awake. Just for a few minutes."

Doug slurred his words, his eyes still closed. "Uh uh -- I'm tired tonight. I need to go to sleep, we can in the morning. I can't stay awake."

"C'mon, Doug."

Her tone of voice bothered him. Doug was surprised at her insistence, especially because she knew he'd had little sleep and was emotionally and physically drained from the demands of his new job. "I'm tired,"  he reiterated, opening his eyes to look at her. "I'm wiped out, I'm going to sleep."

Carol shook her head. "Doug, don't be selfish," she said under her breath.

Now, despite his exhaustion, she had his attention. He turned to her.  "Selfish? What's that supposed to mean?" He could not believe what he heard from her and was taken aback, filled with confusion. This was not the woman he'd come to know over the past few months, not the way he'd imagined this would be.

"Oh, I don't know, I guess you don't want this as much as I do."

"Carol, that has nothing to do with it. It's the way you're going about this. You're not reaching for me tonight because you want to make love to me. You just want me because the timing is right." He was so quiet, she had to strain to hear him. His voice was hoarse. "You're rationing our lovemaking, turning me down night after night...is this how it's gonna be? How you want to conceive a baby? Like this?" He stared at the ceiling, bewildered.

"I don't know," she admitted, her voice hushed.

"Because if this is how it's gonna be, I don't want it."

She went to stand up, but he held her back.

"I can't understand why you're so anxious, and I don't like things this way. It's like it's thoughtless. Mechanical. Like it has nothing to do with love." She turned to him and saw that his face was full of sadness. "Carol, all those years apart.... Making love to you, conceiving a child, has everything to do with love."

She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, thinking. "You're right. Maybe it's a 'woman thing.' I've blown this out of proportion. It's just that I...I feel like I'm living my life in two-week increments:  Two weeks to find out if I'm pregnant, then, if I'm not, two weeks to wait until we can try again. I am so disappointed when I get my period.  I want this so much, and I'm so afraid it won't happen."

"That's the thing. This focus on 'trying'? You're letting this control you. Control us. It shouldn't. It'll happen when the time is right."

"I know, I know."

Doug looked over at her, reaching up to smooth her hair. "Remember how it was, that first night we tried?"

Carol thought and nodded.

He continued gently, "That's what I had in mind. To look back and smile." Moving closer to her, Doug took her into his arms. "Things will work out. We'll be buying diapers before you know it. C'mere. Can I hold you?"

"Yeah," she said, cuddling to him, looking sad and defeated. Carol sighed.

Doug could see, then, how much she had invested in this dream. How much it meant to her, how strong her desire was to have a baby. "Thinking about it a lot?" he asked.

"Um hmm." She was on the verge of tears, he saw as he turned her face toward him.

"Which room do you think for a baby?" he whispered.

She looked up gratefully. "Whatever you say."

"What's it gonna look like?"

"Hmm?"

"The room."

Carol breathed a sigh of contentment, realizing how he was trying to smooth things between them. "I saw a stencil the other day. It had bunnies on it, you know? One was smelling a flower, one was chasing a butterfly, the last one was eating a blade of grass. It was adorable.  I'd love to do something like that on the walls. I want to take my time and fix it up, make the room beautiful."

"Then we will," he said in a sleepy voice.

Carol could sense that he wouldn't last much longer, that he was trying to stay awake for her sake. "We'll talk some more tomorrow. Good night, Doug. Get some rest." She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, hearing his deep, even breathing as he was already asleep.

*****

Doug awakened to the feeling of her body pressing to him, the warmth of her breasts against his back. Carol kissed his shoulder and moved up to the nape of his neck, tracing designs on his skin with her tongue, sucking gently, then grazed him with her teeth. She grinned inwardly at his moans, at the reach of his hand, the turn of his head, always happy that her lovemaking affected him, how aroused he became under her touch.  Her hand slid down his stomach and her fingertips skimmed his penis, feeling its inevitable hardness. Doug, still so sleepy, but pleasantly surprised, took her in his arms, wanting their play to continue.

"I can't get enough of you," she purred.

His voice was husky with sleep. "C'mere, little girl, what are you doing, waking me up like this?"

"I'm taking advantage of you."

"Don't stop." He nuzzled her neck and smelled the sweetness of her hair and let her climb on top of him. She leaned over, offering her breasts to him and he leisurely rolled his tongue around her nipples, causing her to moan and pull his head into her breast as she demanded more.

"Hey, hey," he teased, "no grabbing the back of my head. You'd be pissed off if I did that to you."

She giggled and pulled harder. "Well, I won't choke you."

"Oh, really?" he laughed. "We'll see." With that, he pulled her hips down toward him and entered her, his eyes never leaving her. "Ahh, Carol, so tight." Carol fell forward, pushing her breasts into his face, wanting to feel his warmth on her skin, needing his mouth once again.

"Look at you, all demanding in the morning," he said seductively and he wrapped his lips around her stiff nipple, tugging on it while his tongue teased it further. "You're getting me all wet, Carol."

She grinned and moved faster, feeling needy, wanting more. Always wanting more.

*****

She thought about that morning, the morning that she'd thought was timed perfectly, mid-cycle, the morning she was certain they'd conceived. And instead, there she was at work, sitting in a bathroom stall, her period once again starting, holding back tears of frustration, not wanting Lucy to hear her, not wanting anyone to know. When she told Doug, she did so with a fairly even tone, although she knew by his reaction that he wanted to find some way to appease her, to give her something to look forward to. As the work day came to a close, she thought about how good it would be to get home and put her feet up, drink a glass of wine and forget her disappointment.

He almost ran into her, walking into the lounge as Carol was walking out with her coat on.

"Ready?" she asked.

"Hey, listen. Mark needs a place to stay tonight, his place is being fumigated or something. I told him he could stay with us -- okay?"

Oh, damn. She really just wanted to be alone tonight. But, it seemed important to Doug, so what could she say? "Sure, that's fine. Can we stop at Jewel on the way home? There's nothing to eat."

"You sure it's okay?"

"Yup," she answered and waited for him to get his coat on as well.

They stopped at the store and then got home in time to see Mark walking from the El to their house.

"Hey, Mark," Carol greeted him.

Mark smiled, pointing to the grocery bags. "Provisions?"

"Yeah, the cupboard was definitely bare," she answered.

Doug and Mark worked on getting him settled and were making the bed upstairs while Carol finished dinner. Mark was surprised at the amount of work they'd done on the house since he was there during the summer. "When did you guys start fixing the upstairs?"

"Coupla months ago."

"Why'd you start on the bedroom now? It's only the two of you."

"Well, Carol wants them done, for her mother in case she needs a place to stay. Or," he grinned, "for friends who need a place to crash."

"I can't believe the job you've done on the house."

"Yeah, we spend a lot of time...and money...doing it, but it's turning out okay, I think. I remember the first time I saw it. What a mess.  But, you know, like everything she touches, it's turning out great."

"What's next, after this bedroom?"

Doug looked past Mark, remembering Carol's discussion about the nursery. "Maybe the other bedroom. That's what she wants. I wanted to redo the bathrooms, but she likes them the way they are, so I dunno what's next."

When they came downstairs, Mark excused himself to wash his hands and get ready to eat. He looked around the bathroom and felt immediately nostalgic. Two robes hung from the hooks, two razors were placed on the windowsill near the tub: one pink, one stainless steel. His cologne was next to her perfume. There were signs of togetherness, of contentment, all over the house. Mark sighed, dried his hands and walked out, feeling lonely. He heard quiet whispers from the kitchen and slowed down, trying not to hear, trying to give them a minute more alone.

"...disappointed, too...feel okay?"

Mark then heard her voice murmur something in reply, then Doug's again, just making out a few words.

"...keep trying...."

Mark cleared his throat and walked into the kitchen in time to see them separate quickly.

"Just in time, Mark, dinner is ready," Doug announced. Carol had prepared a huge salad with tomatoes, onions, basil and dressing, a roasted chicken from Jewel, rolls, along with steamed broccoli and cauliflower.

"The house looks great, Carol. Doug was telling me you're going to fix the other upstairs bedroom next?"

Carol looked swiftly at Doug who indicated with his facial expression that he'd revealed nothing to Mark. "Yeah, I think," she said. "I'm kinda getting tired of spackle and paint, though, to be honest with you."

"Jennifer and I, we never owned a house. I guess you find out how much goes into it when you look back at what it was like. We only ever had two bedrooms, one for us and one for Rachel. Looks like you'll have plenty of room here if you ever want to fill up those upstairs rooms."

Doug noted Carol's expression and chimed in. "Yeah. Did you see the fireplace? We just did that a few weeks ago."

"It looks great," Mark agreed. "So, if I'm not being too nosy...you're living together now and -- any long-term plans?"

Doug chuckled. "Uh, yes and no. Yes, you're being nosy, and no, we won't discuss that right now."

Mark grinned. "It was worth a shot."

"Mark, can I get you anything else?" Carol chimed in.

"No. Dinner was great, Carol," Mark said, and she smiled.

"Thanks."

They had all had their fill and relaxed with coffee. Doug took note of the strain on Carol's face.

"Carol, you go sit down, put your feet up, relax and I'll clean up.  You've done enough work for one night," Doug offered.

"You know, maybe I will. I wish I could stay up and talk, but I'm wiped out and I have a headache." She looked at Doug gratefully.

"Okay," he nodded, eyes fixed on her. "Good night, sweetheart," he said quietly.

Mark looked up, surprised to hear this from Doug, to see the pure love on his face. He'd forgotten, sometimes, how it was to be around them, how they reacted to each other. How you could feel like you were eavesdropping on their intimacy just by being in the same room.

Doug watched her walk away and realized for the first time how difficult this had all been for her. Understood how she waited every month for a sign, a symptom of pregnancy. He regretted chastising her.

Mark interrupted his thoughts. "Things look like they're great between you two."

"They are," he agreed. "How about you? Seeing anyone?"

"No. No time, really."

"Well, you have to make time," Doug argued.

"You're right. Maybe I will, soon. I'm just trying to get my life in order," Mark explained.

"Well, you don't have to explain that to me," Doug agreed knowingly.

"You think Carol's okay?" Mark asked, gesturing toward the bedroom.

Doug looked at the closed doors, then looked away. "I'll go check up on her in a little while. Sounds like she's taking a bath right now." He didn't want to leave Mark quite so soon, but his heart was on the other side of the door, with her.

*****

Carol walked into their bedroom and pulled the doors shut. She stripped off her clothes and ran the tub, pouring a capful of liquid underneath the roaring faucet, watching the bubbles erupt into a soft, white cloud. She adjusted the water, trying to make it as hot as possible to relieve the pain in her back, in her abdomen. She wound her hair around and around, securing it with a clip to keep it out of her way and then eased herself into the steaming bath water.

It felt good to surround her body in warmth. She took the soap and leisurely lathered her arms, her shoulders, her tender, aching breasts. Carol sighed, thinking she'd been tricked this time. She'd wondered if the pain was an early sign of pregnancy. She had even pushed Doug away  three nights ago, they were so sensitive. But, no, it hadn't been; just evidence of her impending period. She knew all the symptoms and had eagerly looked for them: Frequent urination to the point of waking up at night to use the bathroom, a slightly bloated, full feeling, queasiness, breast tenderness. Each month she'd looked for any number  of them, only to be disappointed again.

She soaked for a long time, leaving only because the water turned tepid and the bubbles disappeared. Stepping carefully out of the tub, she grabbed a large bath towel and dried her body, then found some comfortable sweats to sleep in.

*****

Doug walked in and found Carol in bed already, reading a magazine.  She'd been quiet through dinner and he was concerned about her. He undressed and walked around to his side of the bed, then laid down next to her, kissing her shoulder.

"Hey. Mark in bed?" she asked.

"No, he's in the living room, watching TV. How's your headache?"

"Wasn't a headache," she confided. "Cramps."

"Sorry. Take anything?"

"Just did, some ibuprofen." She put her magazine down and faced him.

Doug bent his head, smiling tentatively. "We really didn't get a chance to talk much today. You okay about all this?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm. Wanna talk about it now?" His lips skimmed her cheek.

"No." She sighed, moving closer to him, kissing him back, then became quiet for a long stretch. "Well...yeah. I want your baby, Doug, and I'm so afraid I won't get the chance."

He stroked her arm. "It'll happen. Then it'll be the hot topic for gossip: 'Did you hear that Nurse Hathaway is carrying Dr. Ross' love child?'" He chuckled and smiled at her.

She looked at him, smiling back. "What a beautiful expression, really: 'Love child.'"

He considered this. "Didn't used to be. But, for us, that's what it would be. A child...conceived while I'm loving you...making love to you with nothing between us, just you and me. Nothing to stop us, really.  I love this, it's...different."

"Hmm. I know. I've never not used birth control, never made love trying to have a child. It's a first, our first child. New life."

Doug nodded solemnly, thinking. Remembering things in the past. "Yeah."

Carol stopped, realizing why he was suddenly quiet; knowing there were some things he simply did not discuss. For the first time, she considered how he might feel about this, about trying to have a baby. Wondering if it was dredging up old pain.

He turned to her, though, and smiled. "Whaddya think, boy or girl?"

"I dunno," she admitted. "We were a family of three girls, it would be nice to have a boy. Then again, a daughter...that would be so wonderful. I dunno. Whatever. What about you?"

Doug thought this over. "Has to be a girl, I think. Ross men are a handful."

Carol pressed gently. "How about a son, Doug? Would you like that?"

He looked up at the ceiling and cleared his throat. "Yeah. Maybe. It doesn't matter. Either way, I'll be happy."

She paused before venturing forth. "Are you happy? Will you be?"

Doug turned, a questioning look on his face. "Yes. Why?"

"I just want to be sure this is what you really want."

"You know, everything I want is here...right here with you."

"Doug, would it bother you if we had a son?" she asked gently.

Doug turned away, shaking his head, but not before she caught a glimpse of long-hidden anguish. "Carol...."

She waited for his reply, but he didn't answer her further, so she sank down in bed to be close to him. "Do you ever wonder?"

So quiet. "Every day."

She was not surprised by his response and waited for him to share more.

"I see kids his age, I can't believe how tall they are. I see babies at work, hold them and think about the lost opportunity. I wonder who he looks like. Is he her or me? And I wonder if he hates me. If he wonders about me. If he even knows about me."

"Do you want to find out?"

His voice was rough. "No. I wouldn't do that to his mother."

She knew so much, yet so little about the circumstances, but she'd never pressed him before. Tonight, talking about these things gave her courage. "Do you think he'll seek you out?"

"No."

"Why?"

He fiddled with the sheet nervously, disturbed by her direct questions. "Because I don't really think his mother ever wants him to. I don't know what, if anything, she's told him."

"Do you assume that she's spoken badly about you?"

"That would be my assumption, yes." He sighed quietly. "I can't blame her, really. She had every right. So, I'll never know."

Carol remained silent, thinking for a few moments, then bent down to try to catch his eye. "And you're willing to live with that?"

"I have to be. It's her choice," he reasoned.

"Doug," she began, shaking her head, "you're older now, things have changed."

"Carol...nothing's changed. She knows where to find me. She chooses not to."

"Does she know you've moved?"

"If she chose to find me, she could," he asserted.

"I don't understand what you mean."

"I sent money, letters, years ago through someone who offered to help. Someone who knows how to reach me."

"And...?"

"They were always returned."

She'd never known any of this. When she looked at his face again, she could see the stress and sadness within him. Carol scooped him up into her arms, pressing his head against her neck. "Doug, I'm so sorry," she said quietly. "I'm so sorry. I promise, this time will be different for you. If we're blessed with a baby you'll never be apart from him."

"Or her," he added, pulling her head down for a kiss.

"Or her," she concurred.

"So, we have to wait a few days before we try again, huh?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. "Just a few days."

"Okay. Hey, Carol....I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass about this. I guess I didn't really know how much it means to you, how much stress you've been under."

She smiled warmly. "It's because I want it more than anything in the world."

"Then that's what I want, too. I love you, Carol."

He wrapped her up in his embrace, and held her gently, feeling each breath she took against his chest, wanting to give her all the happiness she desired. Wanting that more than anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~